爆笑英语笑话 中英文对照

英语笑话【Laughter】Recently,Ireceivedacallfromawomanwhowantedtoreplacesomechairofadiningsetboughtfromusinthe1930s.Iassuredherwecouldhelpandsoughttheassistanceoftheofficemanager.“You’llneverbeilevethisone,”Itoldtheofficemanager.“Ijustgotacallfromacustomerwhoboughtsomechairfromusinthe1930s.”BeforeIcouldfinish,heinterruptedandsaid,“Don’ttellmeshehasn’treceivedthemyet!”最近，我接到一个妇女的电话。她上个世纪30年代从我们这里买了一套餐厅家具，现在想来换一些椅子。我跟她说我们可以帮忙，并向部门经理提了出来。“你肯定不会相信，”我对部门经理说，“我刚接到一个顾客的电话，她在30年代就从我们这买了一些椅子。”我还没来得及说完，经理就打断我说：“不要告诉我她到现在还没有收到货啊！”Man:Whydidyoumakewomensobeautiful?God:Sothatyouwilllovethem.Man:Butwhydidyoumakethemsodumb?God:Sothattheywilllovyou.男子：你为什么让女人生得那么美？上帝：这样你才会爱上她们呀！男子：可你为什么又让女人那么笨呢？上帝：这样她们才会爱上你呀！Father:Istheschoolclosedtoday?Son:No,Dad.It’spoen.Icamehomeearly.Father:Howdidyoudothat?Son:ItoldmyteacherIhadanewbabybrotherandhadtocomehomeandhelpyou.Father:Butyourmotherhashadtwins.You’vegotababybrotherandababysister.Son:Yes,Iknow,Dad.I’msavingupmybabysisterfornextweek.父亲：今天学校放假了吗？儿子：没有，爸爸。我提前回来了。父亲：为什么？儿子：我跟老师说，我有一个小弟弟，我得回家帮你。父亲：但是你妈妈生了双胞胎，你有一个小弟弟和一个小妹妹。儿子：是的，我知道，爸爸，我要等下个星期再说我有个小妹妹了。Afterwaitingover3frustratinghoursattheairportforthearrivalofaplanethathadbeendelayedfortake-off,amanapproachedtheboardingdeskandaskedforanarrival-timeupdate.Hewasconcernedbecausehewasmeetinghisnephewandthiswastheboy’s1stflight.＂Howoldistheboy?＂theairlinerepresentativeaskedsolicitously.＂Hewas6whenheleftfortheairport,＂themanrepliedsharply.因飞机起飞延误，一个人在机场等着接人已3个小时了。他走近问询处打听飞机到达时间的最新消息。他非常着急，因为他是来接侄子的，而侄子是第一次乘飞机。“男孩多大了？”航空公司的人关心的问。“他出发去机场时6岁。”他毫不客气地回答。DearGod:Ibetitisveryhardtoloveeveryoneinthewholeworld.thereareonly4peopleinourfamilyandI’mhavingfahardtimelovingallofthem.亲爱的上帝：我猜爱世界上每一个人是很困难的事。我家只有4个人，可我爱他们都很难。Threefastestmeansofcommuncation:1.Tele-Phone2.Tele-Vision3.Tele-aWomanForfastertransmission-Tellhernottotellanybody.三种最快的传播方式：1.电话2.电视3.告诉女人如果想要传播更快，告诉她别跟任何人说。Customer:Everydayyouchargememoneyforacupofcoffee.Itwillbewonderfulifyouservemecoffeefreeofchargetoday.Waiter:Sir,everydayyoudrinkcoffeefromafilledcup.Itwillbewonderfulifyoudrinkitfromanemptycuptoday.顾客：你每天都收我咖啡的钱，要是今天不收就太好了。服务员：先生，你每天都从盛满咖啡的杯子里喝咖啡，要是今天从空杯子里喝就好了。Attorney:Shehad3children,right?Witness:Yes.Attorney:Howmanywereboys?Witness:None.Attorney:Werethereanygirls?律师：她有3个孩子，是吗？证人：是的。律师：几个男孩？证人：没有男孩。律师：有女孩吗？John:Daddy,arecaterpillarsgoodtoeat?Father:HaveInottoldyounevertomentionsuchthingsduringmeals!Mother:Whydidyouaskthequestion,John?John:It’sbecauseIsawoneondaddy’sondaddy’slettuce,butnowit’sgone.约翰：爸爸，毛毛虫能吃吗?爸爸：我没告诉过你不能在吃饭时说这些吗？妈妈：你为什么问这个呢，约翰？约翰：因为我看到爸爸的生菜里有一只，不过现在没了。Amangoestoachemistandasksforacurehiccps.Thechemistmakesthemanbendoverandgiveshimahardslaponhisbackandasks,＂Havetheygone?＂Themanreplied,＂Idon’tknow,mywife’sinthecarbutI’llcheck.＂一个男人去问药剂师怎么治打嗝。要及时让他弯下腰，然后狠狠地在他背上拍了一下问：“还打嗝吗？”男人回答：“我不知道，我老婆在车里，我去看看。”Inahospitalwaitingroom:Smokinghelpyouloseweight…onelungatatime!医院候诊室：吸烟有助于减肥，一次减一个肺。Aladynoticedherhusbandstandingonthebathroomscale,suckinginhisstomach.Thinkinghewastryingtoweighlesswiththismaneuver,shecommented,＂Idon’tthinkthat’sgoingtohelp.＂＂Sureitwill,＂hesaid.＂It’stheonlywayIcanseethenumbers.＂一个女人看见丈夫使劲收腹站在体重秤上，以为他想称得轻一点，就说：“没用的。”丈夫说：“当然有用，这样我才能看到秤上的数字。”Asuccessfulmanisonewhomakesmoremoneythanhiswifecanspend.Asuccessfulwomanisonewhocanfindsuchaman.成功的男人是赚的钱比老婆花的钱多的人，成功的女人是能找到这样的男人的人。Customer:I’vebeenringing07002300for2daysandcan’tgetthroughtoenquiries,canyouhelp?Operator:Wheredidyougetthatnumberform,sir?Customer:ItwasonthedoortotheTravelCentre.Operator:Sir,theyareouropeninghours.顾客：我拨07002300拨了两天都没人接，怎么回事呀？接线员：先生，请问您在哪看到这个号码的？顾客：旅行社门上。接线员：先生，那是我们的营业时间。Marriageisthetriumphofimaginationoverintelligence.Secondmarriageisthetriumphofhopeoverexperience.结婚是幻想战胜了智慧，二婚是希望战胜了经验。Tom:HowshouldIconverythenewstomyfatherthatIhavefailedmyexamsagain?David:Youjustsendatelegram:Resultdeclared,pastyear’sperformancerepeated.汤姆：我怎么跟我爸爸说考试挂了呢？大卫：发个电报：结果已出，去年成绩在现。Friend:Howmanywomendoyoubelieveamanmustmarry?Mr.Bean:16.Friend:Why?Mr.Bean:Becausethepriestsay4(for)richer,4poorer,4betterand4worse.朋友：你认为男人应该娶几个女人？憨豆先生：16个。朋友：为什么？憨豆先生：因为牧师说4个富的，4个穷的，4个好的，4个坏的。＂CanIgotothetheatre?＂askedamosquitotohermother.＂Yes,butbeawareandpayattentionduringtheapplause.＂“我可以去电影院吗？”一只蚊子问妈妈。“可以，但是要小心，观众鼓掌的时候可要留神。”Anewvacuumcleanersalesmanknockedonthedooratthefirsthouseonthestreet.Beforetheladycouldspeak,theenthusiastcsalesmanbargedintothelivingroomandopenedabigblackplasticbagandpouredallthecowdroppingsontothecarpet.＂Madam,ifIcouldnotcleanthisupwiththeuseofthisnewpowerfulvacuumcleaner,Iwillestitall!＂exclaimedtheeagersalesman.＂Doyouneedchillisauceorketchupwiththat?＂askedthelady.Thebewilderedsalesmanasked,＂Why,madam?＂＂There’snoelectricityinthehouse,＂saidthelady.一个吸尘器推销员敲开街上第一户人家的门。女主人还没来得及说话，推销员就冲进屋子，打开大黑塑料袋，把牛粪倒在地毯上说，“夫人，如果我不能用这个吸尘器清理干净，就吃掉这些牛粪！”女主人问：“你需要辣椒酱还是番茄酱？”推销员疑惑的问：“为什么？”女主人说：“屋里没电。”Ateacherwasgivenaticketfordrivingthrougharedlight.Whensheappearedintrafficcourt,sheaskedthejudgeforimmediateattentiontohercaseasshewasduetobebackinclass.Thejudgelookedathersternlyandsaid,＂So,you’reaschoolteacher?Iamaboutambition.Yousitdownatthattableoverthereandwrite＇Iwentthrougharedlight＇500times!＂一名教师因为闯红灯被开罚单。她到了交通法庭后，要求法官先处理她的案子，因为她要赶回去上课。法官严厉地看着她说：“你是老师啊，那我终于可以实现我这辈子的愿望了。你坐到桌子那边去，写500遍‘我闯红灯了’！”Interviewer:Imagineyouareinalockedroom,andallthedoorsandwindowsareclosed.Howcanyouescapeiftheroomcatchesfire？John:Simple!Stopimagining.面试官：想像一下，你被锁在一间屋子里，所有的门窗都关上了。如果屋子着火了，你怎么逃出去？约翰：简单，停止想想。Soonaftertheirwedding,thebridetoldhergroom,＂Darling,nowthatwearemarried,Iwantyoutofireyoursecretary.＂＂Buthoney,＂repliedthegroom,＂Youusedtobeasecretaryyouself.＂＂Yes,＂shecontinued,＂andthat’swhyIwantyoutofireher!＂婚礼一结束，新娘就对新郎说：“心爱的，我想让你开除你的秘书。”新郎说：“但是，亲爱的，你自己以前也是秘书啊。”新娘说：“是啊，所以我才让你开出她。”Amanwasbraggingabouthissisterwhodisguisedherselfasamanandjoinedthearmy.Listenerssaid,＂She’llhavetodresswiththeboysandshowerwiththemtoo.Won’tshe?＂＂Sure,＂repliedtheman.＂Well,won’ttheyfindout?＂Themanshrugged.＂Butwho’lltell?＂一个男人吹牛说他妹妹打扮成男人参军了。听的人说：“那她得穿男人的衣服，还得和他们一起洗澡了？”男人人说：“当然。”听的人说：“那他们不会发现吗？”男人耸耸肩说：“但谁会说出去呀？”Teacher:Sam,youtalkalot!Sam:It’safamilytradition.Teacher:Whatdoyoumean?Sam:Sir,Mygrandpawasastreethawker,myfatherisateacher.Teacher:Whataboutyourmother?Sam:She’sawoman.老师：萨姆，你说话太多了！萨姆：这是家庭传统。老师：什么意思？萨姆：先生，我祖父是街头小贩，我爸爸是老师。老师：那你妈妈呢？萨姆：她是女人。Teacher:WhataresomeproductsoftheWestIndies?Student:Idon’tknow.Teacher:Ofcourse,youdo.Wheredoyougetsugarfrom?Student:Weborrowitfromourneighbor.老师：西印度群岛都产什么？学生：不知道。老师：你当然知道。糖从哪来的？学生：邻居家借的。JohnwasdrawingmoneyfromanATM.Jack,whowasrightbehindhiminlinesaid,＂Ha!Ha!I’veseenyourpassword.It’s4asterisks.＂Johnreplied,＂Ha!Ha!Youarewrong.it’s1258＂约翰正从自动取款机取钱。站在他身后的杰克说：“哈哈，我看到了你的密码了，是４个星。”约翰回答说：“哈哈，你错了，是１２５８”Awomganandherhusbandinterruptedtheirvacationtogotothedentist.＂Iwantatoothpulled,andIdon’twantNovocainbecauseI’minabighurry,＂thewomansaid.Thedentistwasquiteimpressed.＂You’recertainlyacourageouswoman,＂hesaid.＂Whichtoothisit?＂Thewomanturnedtoherhusbandandsaid,＂Showhimyourtoothdear.＂一个女人和丈夫在休假期间去看牙医。女人说：“我要拔牙，我们赶时间就不用打麻药了。”牙医惊讶地说：“您太勇敢了，要拔哪颗？”女人转过头对丈夫说：“亲爱的，给他看看你的牙。”Santa:Wwhatkindofwifedoyouwant?Pappu:Exactlylikethemoon:onewhichappearsatnightanddisappearsinthemorning!圣诞老人：你想要什么样的老婆？帕普：像月亮那样的，晚上出来白天消失。Lawofencounters:Theprobabilltyofmeetingsomeoneyouknowincreaseswhenyouarewithsomeoneyoudon’twanttobeseenwith.相遇定律：你越不想被人碰到跟某人在一起，就越是被人碰到。Lawofqueue:Ifyouchangequeues,theoneyouhaveleftwillstarttomovefasterthantheoneyouareinnow.排队定律：如果你换一队，刚离开的那队就会比现在的这队走得快。Customer:Waiter,waiter!Thereisafroginmysoup!Waiter:Sory,sir.Theflyisonvacation.顾客：服务员，服务员！我的汤里有只青蛙！服务员：对不起，先生。苍蝇放假了。Boss:I’llgiveyouRMB3000permonthandin3months,I’llraiseittoRMB6000.Sowhenwouldyouliketostart?John:In3months.老板：我每月给你3000元，3个月后涨到6000元。你想什么时候开始工作。约翰：3个月后。Daughter:Whyaresomeofyourhairswhite,Mom?Mom:Well,everytimethatyoudosomethingwromgandmakemecryorunhappy,oneofmyhairsturnswhite.Daughter:Mom,howcomeallofgrandma’shairsarewhite.女儿：妈妈，你为什么有好几根白头发？妈妈：每次你做错了事，惹我生气或是流泪，我就会有根头发变白。女儿：妈妈，为什么外婆的头发都是白的。Amanentersabakerywithaloafofbread,＂Iboughtthisbreadhere,andittastersbad.＂＂What!＂exclaimedthebaker.＂I’vebeenbakingbreadfor25years!＂Themanreplies,＂Youshouldhavesolditrightaway!＂一个男人拿着一条面包走进面包店：“这面包是在你这儿买的，味道很糟糕。”面包师叫了起来，“我的面包已经烤25年了。”男人回答说：“那你不应该留到现在才卖呀。”Apatientinalunaticasylumisfishinginadrypondwhenanursepassingbytriestoteasehim.＂Howmuchfishhaveyoucaught?＂thenurseasked.＂Areyouinsane?didn’tyounoticethereisnowaterinthepond?＂thepatientquipped.疯人院里有一个精神病患者守着一个干涸了的池塘在钓鱼。一个护士从旁边经过，看到这一幕觉得很好笑，边走上去逗他。“你钓了几条鱼啊？”护士问。这病人嘲弄说：“你有病吧，没看见这池塘里没水吗？”AnAmericasteppedintoagunshopandsaid,＂Givemethemostpowerfulpistolyouhave.＂＂Howmanybulletsdoyouneed?＂＂Waitaminute.＂theAmericasaid.Hethenwalkedintoatelephoneboothandsaidintothephone,＂Hello.Isthisthebank?Howmanypeopledoyouhavethere,please?＂一个美国人走进一家枪支商店：“给我拿一直威力最大的手枪。”“您需要多少发子弹？”“请稍等，”那个美国人走进公用电话亭，拨通电话：“喂，银行吗？请问你们那儿有多少人？”Punctuatethefollowingsentence:Awomanwithouthermanisnothing.Males:Awoman,withoutherman,isnothing.Females:Awoman:withouther,manisnothing.给下面句子加标点符号：女人没有她男人什么都不是。男人：女人，没有她男人，什么也不是。女人：女人：没有她，男人什么也不是。Twowomenweretalkingabouttheirnewmilkman.Thefirstsaid,＂He’sverygoodlooking,punctualanddressessoamartly.＂Andsoquicklytoo!＂saidtheother.两个女人在谈论新来的送牛奶工人。一个说：“他很帅，很准时，穿戴也很讲究。”另一个女人说：“而且穿得很快。”Tracher:4beautifulgirlsarewalkingontheroad.Changeittoanexclamatorysentence.Studen:WOW!老师：4个漂亮女孩在路上走。把这句话变成感叹句。学生：哇！Dortorscanbesofrustrating.Youwaitamonth-and-a-halfforanappointment,andhesays,＂Iwishyou’dcometomesooner.＂医生真是让人烦。你好不容易排了一个半月才看上病，他却跟你说：“你应该在点来。”Passenger:What’stheuseofhaavingatrainscheduleifthetrainsarealwayslate?Railroaddriver:Well,howwouldweknowtheywerelate,ifwedidn’thaveashedule?旅客：火车总是晚点，要列车时刻表还有什么用？货车司机：如果没有时刻表，怎么能知道晚点呢？John:Dad,canyouwriteinthedark?Father:Ithinkso.Whatdoyouwantmetowrite?John:Yournameonthisreporcard.约翰：爸爸，你能在黑暗中写字吗？爸爸：应该能，你想我让我写什么？约翰：在成绩单上写你的名字。Soldier:Sir,wearesurrounded!Major:Excellent!Wecanattackinanydirectionnow!士兵：长官，我们被包围了！少校：太好了，我们可以向任何方向进攻！Boy:Goon,don’tbeshy.Askmeout!Girl:Okay,getout!男孩：接着说，别害羞，叫我出去吧!女孩：好啊，出去！Dad:Son,whatdoyouwantforyourbirthday?Son:Notmuchdad,justaradiowithasportscararoundit.爸爸：儿子，你生日想要什么礼物？儿子：不多，爸爸，就想要一个带跑车的收音机。Doctor:Yourhusbandneedsrestandpeace.Herearesomesleepingpills.Wife:WhenmustIgivethemtohim?Doctor:Theyareforyou.医生：你丈夫需要安静地休息。这是安眠药。老婆：我什么时候给他吃？医生：这是给你的。Theycallourlangugethemothestonguebecausethefatheseldomgetstospeak.人们管自己的语言叫母语，因为爸爸很少有机会说话。Wife:Youknow,IwasafoolwhenImarriedyou.Husband:Yes,dear,butIwasinloveanddid’tnotice.老婆：知道吗，我嫁给你的时候可真是个傻子。老公：是的，亲爱的，我当时陷入爱河，没发现。Doctor:Hastherebeenanyinsanityinyourfamily?Patient:Yes,husbanthinkshe’stheboss.医生：你们家里有精神不正常的人吗？病人：是的，医生。我丈夫觉得他是家里的一把手。Lawofthealibi:Ifyoutellthebossyouwerelateforworkbecauseyouhadaflattire,thenextmorningyouwillhaveaflattire.借口定律：如果你对老板说迟到是因为车台没气，第二天车胎肯定没气。Girl:Whenwegetmarried,Iwanttoshareallyourwrrries,troublesandlightenyourburden.Boy:It’sverykindofyou,darling,butIdon’thaveanyworriesortroubles.Girl:Wellthatisbecausewearen’tmarriedyet.女孩：我们结婚后，我要分担你的忧愁、烦恼，减轻你的负担。男孩：亲爱的，你太好了，但是我没有什么忧愁和烦恼。女孩：那是因为我们还没结婚呢。Girlfriend:Areyousureyoulovemeandnooneelse?Boyfriend:Deadsure!Icheckedthewholelistagainyesterday.女友：你确定你只爱我一个？男友：绝对！昨天我刚查过名单。Arescueteamfinallyfindsthecrashedairplane.Thelonesurvivorischewingonabone,withahugepileofhumanbonesnexttohim,andtherescuersareshocked.hesay,＂Youcan’tjudgemeforthis.Ihadtosurvive.＂Theleaderoftherescueteamsays,＂Butman…yourplaneonlywentdownyesterday.＂营救小组发现了坠毁的飞机。唯一的幸存者正在啃骨头，旁边有一大堆人骨。营救人员惊呆了。幸存者说：“你们不能指责我，我要生存。”营救组长说：“但是，老兄，你们的飞机昨天才坠毁。”Wife:Youtellamansomething,andthenitwillgoinoneearandcomeoutoftheother.Husband:Youtellawomansomethingandthenitwillgoinbothearsandcomeoutofthemouth.老婆：你对男人说一件事，它会从一只耳朵进另一只耳朵出。老公：你对女人说一件事，它会从两只耳朵进从嘴里出。Attorney:Howwasyourfistmarriageterminated?Witness:Bydeath.Attorney:Andbywhosedeathwasitterminated?律师：你第一次婚姻怎么结束的？证人：死亡。律师：谁死亡？Baththeorem:Whenthebodyisinmmersedinwater,thetelephonerings.洗澡法则：一躺进浴缸，电话就会响。IfyouwantsomeonewhowilleatwhateveryouputinfrontofhimAndneversaysit’snotquiteasgoodashismothermadeit-buyadog.如果你想找一个不管做什么都吃，还不抱怨没他妈妈做的好的人，买条狗吧。Judge:Whydidyouhityourhusbandwithachair?Wife:Icouldn’tliftthetable.法官：你为什么用椅子打你丈夫？妻子：我拎不动桌子。Thepsychiatristhasreallyhelpedmealot.Iwouldneveranswerthephone,becauseIwasafraid.NowIansweritwhetheritringsornot.精神专家真的帮了我大忙。以前我不敢接电话，现在不管电话响不响我都都接。Interviewer:Whydidyouleaveyourlastjob?John:Becausethecompanyshiftedofficeanddidnottellwhere.面试官：你为什么辞去上一份工作？约翰：因为公司换了办公地点，没告诉我搬到哪去了。WhenIreadabouttheevilsofdrinking…Igaveupreading.每当我读到喝酒的坏处时，我就戒掉阅读。Youknowyourkidshavegrownupwhen:yourdaughterbeginstoputonlipstickandyoursonstartstowipeitoff.当你女儿开始涂口红，而你儿子擦去口红时，你就知道他们已经长大了。Father:Yourtaechersaysshefindsitimpossibletoteachyouanthing!Son:That’swhyIsayshe’snogood!爸爸：你的老师说没法教会你任何东西！儿子：所以我说他不是个好老师啊！A:Whatdoyouuseforwashingdishes?B:On,I’vetriedmanythingsbutfoundmyhusbandisbest.甲：你用什么洗完？乙:哦，我试过很多东西，后来发现老公最好用。ASundayschoolteacheraskedherchildrenastheywereonthewaytoachurchservice,＂Whyisitnecessarytobequietinchurch?＂Onebrightlittlegirlreplied,＂Becausepeoplearesleeping.＂一位主日学校的老师在去教室的路上问她的孩子们：“为什么在教堂里要保持安静啊？”一个聪明的小女孩说：“因为人们在睡觉。”RestroomUse:Entirelytoomuchtimeisbeingspentintherestroom.Thereisnowastrict3minutetimelimiltinthestalls.Attheendof3minutes,analarmwillsound,thetolletpaperrollwillretract,thestalldoorwillopenandapicturewillbetaken.Afteryour2ndoffense,yourpicturewillbepostedonthecompanybulletinboard.厕所使用规则：大家上厕所的时间太长，现在规定一次只能去三分钟。时间一到，厕纸会缩回，厕所门会打开，你将被拍下来。如果第二次违反规定，照片将被贴到公司公告栏。Whenamanstealsyourwife,thereisnobetterrevengethantolethimkeepher.当一个男人偷走你老婆时，最好的报复就是让他留着她。Abeggarwalksuptoawell-dressedwomanandsaid,＂Ihaven’teatenanythingin4days.＂Shelookedathimandsaid,＂God,IwishIhadyourwillpower.＂一个乞丐走到一位衣着华丽的女士跟前说：“我4天没吃东西了。”女人看了看他说：“老天，我希望能有你这样的意志力。”Woman:Willyoualsolovemeaftermarriage?Man:Thisdependsonyourhusband,ifheallowsme.女人：结婚后你还会爱我吗？男人：那要看你老公了，他让的话我就爱。Teacher:TomorrowtherewillbealectureontheSun.Everyonemustattendit.John:Noma’m!Iwillnotbeabletoattendit.Teacher:Why?John:Mymotherw