JokesinEnglish-英语笑话大全

JOKESINENGLISHNowTHEYARECHANGINGTHERATINGSASTHECALCULATION13

FOLLOW：5THEPILLS13

THETHIEF1ATEXANINAUSTRALIA5WHO'SGOD?13

THELOSTBOY1CLEANLIFE5E-MAIL13

COLDFEET1WHAT'SITCOST5PEARLYGATES13

THEENEMY1WHATWOULDYOUDOIFIDIED?5ABOY13

THETIMETABLE1CONFESSING5APARTY14

THEWRONGMAN1VACATION5TwoPHYSICIANS14

BASICTRUTHS1THELAKEFRONTHOTEL5WHOISAFIREMAN?14

OLDMRS.GREEN1BUSINESSISBUSINESS6BLACKANDWHITE14

STILLPAYING1FARMER'STROUBLE6BLONDEANDPUBLICWORKS14

TwoPIES1THEDOG6SAMEAGE14

THEDIVER1FIVESTAGESOFDRUNKENESS6ANOTHERCHANCE14

THEGATEAGENT1ANHOUROFPLEASURE7“WHISPER”15

ARTHRITIS1LIKEAWOMAN7FROMOURSTRANGEBUTTRUEFILE15

AREMARKABLEGENIUS2CONFESSIONBOX7WEEKEND15

PAYUP2HowToPAYTHEBILL?7GETOUT15

PARKINGFEE2ABRAVEWOMAN7COASTWASCLEAR15

THREESAMURAI23BUDDIES7BOATS15

THEPOLICEMAN2WHATIsPOLITICS?7ACCIDENT15

THEKGB2ANOTICETOAPPLICANTS8THISCOULDREALLYHAPPEN15

AREYOULONELY?2BEER&WIFE8GHOST16

WHAT'SWRONG?2EVERYBODY,SOMEBODYANYBODYANDLETTERFROMREDNECKMOMTOREDNECK

SKINNYMAN&FATMAN2NOBODY8SON16

THEDOCTORS2STORMYNIGHT8

HUSBAND&WIFE2EMBARRASSINGPROBLEM8WHEREDIDICOMEFROM?16

IsYOURMOTHERHOME?2ALESSON8

BADLUCK?2SNORINGMAN8PARROT16

THELITTLEDOG3THEMEANINGOFDREAMS9OLD16

PARENTS&CHILDREN3HowToGETWHATYOUWANT9ABOY17

THATDAY3THEMONEY,THEBIBLEORTHEWHISKEY9COMEBACKSTOBADPICKUPLINES-

MAKEBED3WHICHBUSAMION?9OVERHEARDINWEEKENDCLUB：17

BOYANDGIRL3THEMOTHER-IN-LAW9AHEAD17

TEACHER&STUDENTS3THECAPTAIN9AMIDDLEAGEDWOMAN17

REPLACE3THEPLAY9VENTRILOQUIST17

SWIM3THEYUPPIE10TELLMEWHATITIS17

TwoBROTHERS3HEAVENORHELL?10THEBARBIE17

CAN'TREAD3THEBARBER10OLDBRASSLAMP18

BEGOODFORNOTHING4CHRISTIAN10HEREISTHELOSTCHAPTERIN

DOESYOURDOGKNOWTHEPROVERB?4BEERCONTAINSFEMALEHORMONES!10GENESIS18

WARNING4DEAFWIFE10INTELLIGENTCONVERSATION18

THREEDEAFLADIES4HAVEYOUGOTALIGHTER?10RIVER18

WHYBABIESCRYSOMUCH?4WRONGSIDEOFTHEBED?10DRINKOUT18

THEFINALEXAMINATION4FAMILYFINANCE10HEISALAWYER18

THESECRET4IsTHISHERFIRSTCHILD?11SCHOOLDAZE18

GREETINGCARDS4GoFISHING?11WHY?18

FIRSTDAY4WHYISTHEBRIDEDRESSEDINWHITE?.11HONEST19

HISTORY4STORYABOUTSONS11TwoREASONS19

EXPLANATION&TRUTH4THELAWYER11WIRE19

WHOSHOULDBEASHAMED?4WHOSAIDIT?11BETONTHAT19

DIRTYHANDS4THEHIGHWAYPATROLMAN11WHEREYOUARE19

YouNEEDAREST4PIG!11SHOW19

ATSCHOOL4NODIFFERENCE11WHO'SSTUPID?19

FAIRYTALES4HowOLDAREYou?12INTELLIGENCE19

WHICHEAR?4ASKINGFORDONATION12MOURM19

MANAGER&APPLICANT4THISEXCUSECOULDSAVEYOUR12THETEETHBRUSH20

DINER&WAITER4AYOUNGBOY-12BLOOMINDALES20

SixPHASESOFAPROJECT4GIRLORBOY12EITHERWAY20

RATINGOFMOVIES5PARROT12HMO20

ONEAMAZINGPIG13ATSTADFUM20

...PullyourfunnyboneoutForatickle-Jokes4U

STOIC20THEWRONGONE28LOSTPURSE36

FOOD(ORBEER)FORTHOUGHT20SPEEDING28THEWATERMELONPATCH36

FLOWERS20DEEPTHOUGHT29SPACERACE36

ITALLDEPENDSONYOURPERSPECTIVE...20BET29THELAPD,THEFBI,ANDCIA36

SPARROW20ASKATEBOARD!29THREEMENANDALAMP36

SEXISWORKORPLAY21EFFECIENCYEXPERT29THEFARMER36

THEGIRL21QUICKWIT29THEBUSINESSEXECUTIVEANDSECRETARY

WHITEHAIR21AGREETOPLAYTHROUGH2936

CHANGE21IDIOTSSTANDUP29AHELPINGHAND37

THEHELL21PROMOTIONOPPORTUNITY29THEPICTURE37

THEDOG'SUSE21ATTHECONSTRUCTIONSITE30STUCKONTHEISLAND37

PROPOSITION21PASSWORD37

DIGEST21TIREDOFWORKING?30ADUCKINACONVENIENCESTORE37

QUOTESOFTHEDAY22HARDESTTOBREAK30TRIPOD37

APRAYERFORTHESTRESSED22ILIKETHEWAYYOUTHINK38

MAKEYOUWONDER22RING30LOVELIVESANDADS38

SOBRIETYTEST22TEST30ELDERLYCOUPLEATMCDONALDS38

HALLOWEENPARTY22GASMEN30PIZZADELIVERY38

THEATTORNEY22NAVALOPERATIONS31ALAWYERVISITINGADENTIST38

THECIA22

IDIOTSATWORK:23BET31THENEIGHBOR38

THEWORSTDAY23THEKOALABEAR39

BYMISTAKE23MYACHINGTOOTH31DRUMMINGUPBUSINESS39

SIMPLEQUIZ23CUTTINGCLASS31THEKISSMEFROG39

THEANSWER23IAMADOG31BILL,HILLANDCHELSEA39

TWISTEDGREETINGCARDS23EMBARRASSINGCOMPULSION31THEGROUNDEDCONDUCTOR39

GREETINGCARDTHATDIDN'TQUITEEASTER32MOTEL39

MAKEIT24VET32THEFAIRYGODMOTHER39

THEBASSIST24ANITALIANCOMPLAINTLETTER39

MONDAY24SPEEDTRAP32BEARCHASE40

LETTERHOMEFROMSCHOOL24GOLFBALL32HowIGOTINTOHEAVEN40

ABOUTMARRIAGE24WHYONWHY?32ATTHESTORE40

JUNGLEPHILOSOPHY24SURGEONSTALK32THETHERAPIST40

YEARS24WHATDOYOUWANNAHAVE?40

HEAVENANDHELL25NEWSHERIFF32TEACHERANDMATH41

ANIDIOT*SIDIOT25WHAT'SMYNAME?33KIDSSAYITALL41

THAT'SONCE25DOCTOR'SVISIT33THEWEDDINGGIFT41

WHOSAIDIT25BIGMANINASMALLTOWN33UGLYBABY41

THEWORSEPUNOFTHEWEEK25TwoMORONS33THEMATHEXPERT41

THEGLOVES25THREEENGINEERS33CONSIDERATEWIFE41

APHARMACIST26NOTHINGTOWORRYABOUT!3315MINUTESOFFAME41

THEB.C26YOU'LLGETUSBOTHFIRED33BARCHICK41

SOMTHINGTOTHINKABOUT26SOMETAKELONGER34BABYKNOWSALL42

ANEXCUSE26CITYSTORIES34THECARACCIDENT42

THECOLOR26TICKETPLEASE34YESTHEREIS!42

ATTITUDETOWARDWHISKEY26COLLEGEDORM34FRIENDS42

GOD*SPUNISHMENT26TWINS34THEEQUIPMENT42

FITNESSREASON27VACATION34THESIXTHSENSE?42

COOKBOOK27MAKINGAGOODIMPRESSION34THENAME42

HEARrr27DRUNKTEST34BRA42

CREDITCARD27APPLYINGFORAJOB34BRAILLEVERSION43

HowYOU'DBEBLIND27HOT&COLD35ADOGNAMEDSEX43

THECURSE27TELEPHONEPOLES35Iis43

WHICHHALF?27THETIE35FISHYSTORY43

ACROSSTHEWATER27SWEET?35WHATDIDYOUSAYTOYOURDOC?43

MAGICIANANDPARROT27SCAREDSTRAIGHT35ASHES43

THEPEANUTS28THEPIRATE35FIRSTCHILD43

ONTHEPATCH28SKYDIVINGFORTHEFIRSTTIME35ADAM43

GODWILLHELPME28WHATDAYisTHIS?36BEWAREOFDOG43

THEREWASABEARANDARABBIT28LAWYERINACARCRASH36SUPERBOWLTICKETS43

NEWSYSTEM28LITTLEJOHNNYANDHISGOLDFISH36ALLIGATORSHOES44

2

SAMANDBECKY44JOHNNYSAID49NoAss58

VIKINGSETTLEMENT44STATISTICS50THEDEVOUTCATHOLICWOMAN58

UFO44ANECHO50HIDETHEDUKE58

LITTLETIMMY44ONTHEPLANE50GIVEHIMWHATHEWANTS58

PRETTYNECKLACE44QUICK50SOMETHINGBORROWED,SOMETHING

SEEINGEYEPILOT44UMBRELLA50BLEW58

MISSEDCOMMUNICATION45BIGTROUBLE50ASMALLPROBLEM58

THANKS,BOSS45WHAT'SFORDINNER50TALKINGSEX58

HowSWEAT45HYDROPHOBIA50ALESSONINCHURCH58

FRATBRO45ITCANNOTBE51INTERBLONDE58

HALLOWEEN45PRIESTLYASSISTANCE51BANANALOVECAKE58

AGEGAME2(X)045THESACRIFICE51GOLFONTHESLY58

G.w.MEETSMOSES45WIIATDoYouWANT?51WOMANSAYS,MANHEARS59

TALKINGDOG45WATCHIT51CONDOMSANDWOMEN59

FLORIDASENIORCITIZENS45DOCTOR'SPOKERGAME51ABSTINENCE59

BADNEWSORTERRIBLENEWSFIRST……45VISITINGGRANDMA51OURLITTLECARRIELOVESTOSCREW59

LOSINGMEMORY45STRANGERITUAL51FROMCRADLETOLADLE59

BOTTOMDEODORANT46MOSTWANTED51NEVERHEARDTHATEXCUSE59

RESTINPEACE46AGREATDEAL51THELOVEDRESS59

ALITTLEPATIENT46OUTWITHTHEFLU51THENEWLYWEDGAME59

STRANDEDONABOAT46CONDUCTINGAMusicCLASS52NEVERTRUSTAWOMAN60

HOMEFORTHEHOLIDAYS!46THUS52SLEEPNow60

YOUNGCOUPLE46TOUGHMICE52BATHTUBANXIETIES60

BLONDES46DEARAMERICAN：52MOMMYANDDADDYDEAREST60

THEPSYCHICHOTLINE46THECONDOMDISPLAY52THEJACKASSSTORY60

GOODNEWSANDBADNEWS46THESOBBINGBRIDE52LOST&FOUND61

HEARTATTACK46CURED52STEALINGFROMWORK61

MARRIAGECOUNSELING47THEINTERVIEW52BAKEDBEANSANDTHEIRDELIGHTFUL

WOMENANDMEN47THEUGLIESTONE53TUNE61

FOOTBALLWEDDING47THECROWDEDELEVATOR53BLINDMAN&NUNS61

THEFONDESTWISH47THEANGRYELEPHANT53DAVID'SBROTHERDAVID61

THENOTES47STRANDEDONDESERTEDISLANDS53LACKOFVISION61

THECOOKIES47MARITALBLISS?53JOHNNYCANNOTTELLALIE61

GOODNEWS47QUICKTHINKING53DRAGGINGTHEIRFEET61

FAQ47FAMILY=53INTHENAVY61

ONLYONEKISS47DEARGODLETTER54FROMTHEWORDPERFECTHELPDESK62

FAMILYSECRET47LITTLEJOHNNYONASCAVENGERHUNT.54THECABDRIVERGOESTOHEAVEN62

MEMORY48MOONTALKING54THEMARINESHARESAROOM62

BEERSTUDY48OVERDUE54SEXUALLYEXHAUSTEDJOCK62

WHAT'SYOURNAME?48HARRY54BADCARDAY62

SHRINK48THELOTTERYJOKE55HELLFREEZESOVER62

63

HEDOZESALLDAY48TIGHTSKIRT,BUSSTOP55MEGASTORE,MEGASALE

63

STRANGE48THEPROXYFATHER55BOMBEDOUTTAMYHEAD

63

THEEXCUSE48THEMOSTGRUESOMEDEATH55JACKANDJILL

63

CATCHMYEYE48OOPS!56FARMERJOEANDHISMULE

63

HIRINGHELP48SHE-DEVIL56ENGINEERINGINHELL63

LOTTERYWINNER48COMPUTERDIAGNOSIS56DOCTORSVS.LAWYERS64

MissRIGHT48THEBESTNEIGHBOR56BIGBOSSMAN64

ANYTHINGREADY-MADE48SQUEAKYCLEAN56MONTANAGHOSTSTORY64

INSURANCE48MAN,WOMAN,SLEEPINGCOMPARTMENTHONKIFYOULOVEJESUS64

HONESTYANDSAGACITY4856TwoSPOONS

THREEMEN'SWORK49HAUNTEDHUSBAND56MOUNTAINBIKE64

THECARJACKING49HETHINKSHE'STHEBOSS57THETHREENUNS64

THESTATUE49VIAGRACOFFEE57AIRLINEA-HOLE64

STAYCALM49CLEMSONWEDDING-ALONG,TRUESIGNSPOTTEDINATOILETINALONDON

ATEXANINIRELAND49STORY57OFFICEBLOCK：65

TWENTYDOLLARS49WHATDOILOOKLIKE?57NoPUNISHMENT65

THEEARRING49ARTGALLERYNUDES57SEXONTHEBEACH65

BOOZEPARTY49HA,THEJOKE'SONYOU57PRISONEROFWAR65

HEDOESN'TSPEAK49MOMSANDTHEIRSNOOPING58PARROTBOY65

...PullyourfunnyboneoutForatickle-Jokes4U

SERMONONTEMPERANCE65NATIONALANTHEM91EVENMORETHINGSTOTHINKABOUT

THESCENTOFANOLDWOMAN65PROOFTHATGIRLSAREEVIL91102

ANACTOFCHARITY65RUMOREDCORPORATEMERGERS91FUNTHOUGHTS102

AGOAT65EMPLOYEEEVALUATION91ADVICE102

COMPUTERVS.AIRCONDITIONER65TOPFIVEREASONSWHYCOMPUTERSDAILYAFFIRMATIONS102

SIGNOUTSIDEASECONDHANDSHOP：66MUSTBEFEMALE92TOPTENREASONSEVEWASCREATED.103

SUBJECT：FLYING66BILLGATES'ADVENTURESINHEAVEN92THINGSYOUWISHYOUCOULDSAYAT

THEBENEFITSOFEARNINGAPH.D66GOODNEWSANDBADNEWS92WORK103

NIGHTMARE#166MICROSOFTACQUIRESTHECATHOLICSILLICONVALLEY103

NIGHTMARE#266CHURCH93ENGLISHSIGNSRECENTLYFOUNDIN

NIGHTMARE#366WINDOWS95WILLHAVETHECOOLESTCHINA103

A710CAP67USERSEVER!93GOODGIRLS,BADGIRLS104

NEW2002GREVOCABULARY67GUIDETOJOBSEARCHLINGO94BESTBUMPERSTICKER'SSEEN104

IAMFINE?67SIGNSYOUSPENDTOOMUCHTIMEWITHACTUALEXCERPTSFROMSTUDENT

ONEDAYOFF68YOURE-MAIL：94SCIENCEEXAMPAPERS104

WHATCHAIR?68YouMIGHTBEAHIGH-TECHREDNECKYouKNOWYOUWORKEDDURINGTHE90S

DON'TCHEATYOURPROFESSOR68IF94IF104

DON'TCHEATYOURWIFE68THEDIFFERENCEBETWEENMENANDANSWERINGMACHINEMESSAGES,PLEASE

SUPERPILL68WOMEN：94FEELFREETOTRYTHESE：105

WHAT'SYOURNAME?68SOMETHINGABOUTMARRIAGE95CONSUMERLABELS105

THEGOOD,THEBAD,THEUGLY68SOMETHINGABOUTMARRIAGE(2)95Is99.9%REALLYGOODENOUGH?106

BRUSH'SBRAIN69THETOP10THINGSONLYWOMENTHINGSYOU'DNEVERKNOWIFITWEREN'T

“RIGHT”CLICK69UNDERSTAND96FORTHEMOV正S106

ABRICKLAYER'SINSURANCECLAIM69TOP10THINGSYOU'LLNEVERHEARASOMEPICK-UPLINESTHATWORKEVERY

NoWONDERENGLISHISSODIFFICULT69WOMANSAY,THATMENWOULDLOVETOTIME!106

WHYIBELIEVEINGOD70HEAR96AMAZINGANAGRAMS106

CHRISTIANONESTOP-LAUGHITUPHEREARETHETOP10WAYSWOMENDRIVETENWAYSTOTERRORIZEA

COLLECTION70MENCRAZY96TELEMARKETER107

SHOPKEEPERSCOMPETITION84WORDSOFWOMEN96BESTNEWSPAPERHEADLINESOF2000..107

AMZANIGHUH?84ADICTIONARYFORWOMEN97KJDS,TESTPAPERS107

THEWOMAN'SDICTIONARY84ADVICEFROMMENTOWOMEN97FUNNYTHINGSTODOWHILEINADRIVE

THECOMPUTERACRONYMS86AWOMANOF35THINKSOFHAVINGTHRU108

NEWSLETTEREXTRACT:86CHILDREN.WHATDOESAMANOF35ACTUALSTATEMENTSFOUNDIN

WHATISTHENOISETOBILLGATES：……86THINKOF?97INSURANCEFORMS108

IFMICROSOFTMAKESAUTO86MENBASHING97RULESFORSURVIVINGAHORRORMOVIE

WINDOWS2000SOURCECODERELEASEDWEIRDLAWSOFTHEUNITEDSTATES98108

86TYPINGERRORS98NEWLAWS109

CARSTOPPED87THINKTOGOHMMMM...ABOUT98LIFE'SREFLECTIONS109

HUMORABOUTUNIXC-SHELL87SIGNSOFTHETIMES98PEOPLEREALLYSAIDTHESETHINGSIN

WORDPERFECT87THINGSWEWONDER98COURT109

TECHNOLOGYCHALLENGED88YouKNOWYOUAEINTROUBLEWHEN...SPEAKINGWOMEN-ESE-WHATWOMEN

MICROSOFTVS.GM8899SAY&REALLYMEAN:110

MICROSOFT®LINUX：SHIPPINGINACTUALQUOTESFROM(ACTUAL)TEXASSixMOSTIMPORTANTMENINAWOMAN*S

No,200188POLITICIANS：99LIFEIll

OVERVIEW88THINGSFORYOURCONSIDERATION99MENVS.WOMEN：ROUND1Ill

WHYUPGRADETOMICROSOFTLINUX?..88FAMOUSQUOTESABOUTDRINKING99TELEMARKETERREPELLANTIll

HowDOIGETMSLINUX?89WHATWEHAVELEARNEDFROMTHEPRIEST'SFIRSTMASS112

MSLINUXTOHAVESTARTBUTTON89MOVIES99THINGSI'VELEARNEDFROMMYCHILDREN

MICROSOFTMONKEYCOLONYONMARS89WEWOULDN'TTELLYOUHOWTOLIVE-112

MICROSOFTINVADESCUBA89BUTWEDOSUGGESTTHATYOUNEVERTHINGSFOUNDONLYINAMERICA113

AT&TNOTINSERVICEATTHISTIME100REALSTORIESOFTHENON­

89RANDOMTHOUGHTS100TECHNICAL113

DON'TTRUSTTHESPELLCHECKER89QUESTIONENGINEER101TECHGLOSSARY114

AHEORSHE?90INTHESPRITOFMONDAYFEELFREETOUSETEESHIRTSLOGANSFORWOMEN114

TwoCows90THESEPHRASESATWORKTODAY101BUMPERSTICKERS114

MICROSOFTHASSOFTWAREFOREVERYQUICKCOMEBACKSTOUSEINYOURTOP12THINGSNOTTOSAYTOACOP

APPLICATION90NEIGHBORHOODTAVERN101WHOHASPULLEDYOUOVER115

COMPLAINTSOFMODERNDAYVAMPIRESWHATNOTTOSAYTOTHENICEPOLICEMANWHATDOYOUCALL115

91101

“RIGHT“CLICK91FAMOUSLASTWORDS101

COMPUTERONELINERS：91

4

JOKESINENGLISHStillPaying

Alittleboyaskedhisfather,"Daddy,howmuchdoesitcostto

TheThiefgetmarried?^^Andthefatherreplied,don'tknow,son,Fmstill

Athiefwasbroughtbeforethejudge.payingfbrit.”

Judge:Haveyoueverstolenthings?

Thief:Oh,nowandthen.TwoPies

Judge:Andwherehaveyoustolenthesethings?Theoldladywasdelightedwiththegifttheboyhadbroughther.

Thief:Oh,hereandthere.T'Hgoroundandseeyourmothertomorrow.^^shesaid,“And

Judge:Right.Lockhimup,officer.Filthankherfbrthislovelypie.”"Um,ifyoudon'tmind,,,the

Thief:Hey,whendoIgetoutofjail?boysaidnervously,4tcouldyouthankherfbrtwopies?”

Judge:Oh,sonnerorlater.

TheDiver

TheLostBoy

Adiverwasmarvelingatthebeautyofacoralreef20feet

Alittleboywasrunningintheparkandlosthismother.Afterabeneaththewaveswhenhenoticedaguyatthesamedepth

while,heapproachedapolicemanandasked:"Excuseme,butwearingnoscubagear.Thediverwentdownanother20feetand

didyouhappentoseealadywithoutaboylikeme?”afewminuteslatertheotherfellowfloatedintoview.Twenty-

fivefeetfartherdown,theguyreappeared.Confused,thediver

ColdFeettookoutawaterproofchalkboardandwrote,“howthehellare

Oily:Yourfeetarestickingoutofthebed-clothes.youabletostayunderthislongwithoutequipment?^^Theguy

Stan:Iknow.tooktheboardandpenandscribbled,44Iamdrowning,you

Oily:Well,aren'ttheycold?moron!”

Stan:Frozen.

Oily:Whydon'tyoupullthemin,then?TheGateAgent

Stan:Andhavethosecoldthingsinbedwithme?Nofear!DuringthefinaldaysatDenver'soldStapletonairport,a

crowdedUnitedflightwascancelled.Asingleagentwas

TheEnemyrebookingalonglineofinconveniencedtravelers.Suddenlyan

Twolittleboyswerediscussingtheirfuture.t€Whatareyouangrypassengerpushedhiswaytothedesk.Heslappedhis

goingtobewhenyougrowup?”askedoneofthem.t4Asoldier,ticketdownonthecounterandsaid,UIHAVEtobeonthisflight

answeredtheother.4€Whatifyougetkilled?”“Whowouldwantandithastobefirstclass.^^Theagentreplied,'Tmsorry,sir.Til

tokillme?,,"Theenemy.^^Theboythoughtthisover,"O.K.behappytotrytohelpyou,butI'vegottohelpthesefolksfirst,

then/9hesaidfinally,'THbetheenemy.^^andI'msurewellbeabletoworksomethingout."The

passengerwasunimpressed.Heaskedloudly,sothatthe

TheTimetablepassengersbehindhimcouldhear,"DoyouhaveanyideawhoI

Passengerisaskingtherailman:"Whatuseisyourtimetable?am?”Withouthesitating,thegateagentsmiledandgrabbedher

t4

Thetrainsareneveron“Andhowwouldyouknowtheypublicaddressmicrophone.MayIhaveyourattentionplease?”

tu

werelateifitwasn'tforthetimetable?,,Therailmanreplied.shebegan,hervoicebellowingthroughouttheterminal.We

haveapassengerhereatthegateWHODOESNOTKNOW

TheWrongManWHOHEIS.Ifanyonecanhelphimfindhisidentity,please

cometothegate.,,Withthefolksbehindhiminlinelaughing

Atthecocktailparty,onewomansaidtoanother,ttAren,tyou

hysterically,themanglaredattheUnitedagent,grittedhisteeth

wearingyourweddingringonthewrongfinger?,,Theother

andswore,“F**kyou."Withoutflinching,shesmiledandsaid,

replied,t4Yes1am,1marriedthewrongman.”

"I'msorry,sir,butyou'llhavetostandinlinefbrthat,too."The

manretreatedasthepeopleintheterminalapplaudedloudly.

BasieTruths

Ontheotherhand,youhavedifferentfingers.ThosewholivebyArthritis

theswordgetshotbythosewhodon't.Youhavetherightto

Adrunkthatsmelledlikeabrewerygotonabusoneday.Hesat

remainsilent.Anythingyousaywillbemisquoted,thenused

downnexttoapriest.Thedrunk'sshirtwasstained,hisfacewas

againstyou.Honkifyoulovepeaceandquiet.

fullofbrightredlipstickandhehadahalfemptybottleofwine

stickingoutofhispocket.Heopenedhisnewspaperandstarted

OldMrs.Greenreading.Acoupleofminuteslaterheaskedthepriest,“Father,

OldMrs.Greenwasnotwell.Herneighbour,Mrs.Brown,saidwhatcausesarthritis^^?”Mister,it'scausedbylooseliving,being

tohersonRoger:"GonextdoorandaskhowoldMrs.Greenis.”withcheapwickedwomen,toomuchalcoholandcontemptfor

Inafewmoments,Rogerwasback,ratherredintheface.yourfellowman".“WellI'Hbedamned”,thedrunkmuttered

“Well?”askedhismother.4tShesaidtotellyouifsnoneofyourandreturnedtoreadinghispaper.Tliepriest,thinkingaboutwhat

businesshowoldsheis."saidRoger.hesaidturnedtothemanandapologized.4trmsorry,Ididn't

meantocomeonsostrong.Howlonghaveyouhadarthritis?^^“I

don't,father,IwasjustreadinginthepaperthatthePope????

hasit”.

...RjllyourfunnyboneoutForatickle-Jokes4U

ARemarkableGenius*Standinginthemiddleofthestreet,aladyaskedthe

44

“DidyouknowIcouldtelltimebythepiano?^^askedonefriendpoliceman:"Canyoutellmehowtogettothehospital?^^Just

,

ofanother.44Youarekidding,"repliedhiscompaniondubiously.keepstandingwhereyouare.,answeredthepoliceman.

'Tilshowyou,“saidthefirstman,ashesatdownatthepiano

andstartedtohammeroutamartialtune.WithinsecondscameaTheKGB

poundingonthewall,andanangryvoiceshouting,<4Hey,youSomewhereintheSovietUnioninthe1930s.Thephoneringsat

sonofabitch,don'tyourealizeifs3:00o,clockintheKGBheadquarters."HeHo?''"MyneighborYankelRabinovitz

morning?”isanenemyoftheState.Heishidingundeclareddiamondsinhis

woodshed.”"Thiswillbenoted.^^Thenextday,theKGBgoons

PayUpgoovertoRabinovitz'shouse.Theysearchtheshedwherethe

Aboyandhisdatewereparkedonabackroadsomedistancefirewoodiskept,breakeverypieceofwood,findnodiamonds,

fromtown,doingwhatboy