教孩子如何应对挫折.doc

教孩子如何应对挫折 不管我们读过多少育儿读物、付出多少精神鼓励、 讨好多少老师，孩子始终会遇到挫折。挫折是生活中微小而重要的一环，就算成功人士也不例外。比如爱因斯坦，他错误夭折的猜想多于成功验证的猜想；又比如泰格伍兹，他输掉的比赛多于获胜的比赛。这些名人都善于从失败中吸取教训，他们将失败当做努力奋 斗的动力。对我们的孩子来说也是这样，我们不能保证孩子能避免挫折，但通过了解以下观点，我们可以教导孩子如何有效地化悲愤为力量、化挫折为动力。 失败说明正在努力。让孩子懂得失败并不代表没有能力，它仅仅是准备工作不足的表现。例如您的孩子每周花五天、每天花两小时学习数学，可成绩仍不理想，那么您 就要和孩子重新评估这种学习方法是否正确。切记学习成绩不能反映智力或数学能力水平，它只是一个解决问题的契机：他该怎么做才能考好数学考试，是学习时 间不够多、没掌握好学习内容？是考试没复习好？还是仅仅因为课程太难，他每天需要花三小时而不仅是两小时在学习上？确保凡事都有解决办法，借不理想的考试 结果激励孩子改掉不良学习 习惯、找到新的学习方法，或者简单来说，让他学习更加努力。 世上无难事，只怕有心人。研究表明如果孩子认为天赋能力决定结果，他们就会轻易放弃努力；如果认为努力付出决定结果，他们就会坚持到底。这说明，假如您告诉 孩子成绩反映智力水平，那么她在考试成绩不理想时就会心灰意冷，认为自己是不够聪明才没考好；但如果您说成绩只反映是否努力学习，她便会把差强人意的考试 成绩当做学习不够用功的表现，继而努力学习。向孩子强调努力是获得成功的关键，孩子遇到挫折时便会迎难而上视之为一项挑战。 夸奖努力，多多益善。研究发现因为努力而得到表扬的孩子会积极面对挑战，而因自身天赋获得赞美的孩子则不敢面对挑战，更轻易放弃。难道您的遗传基因创造出一 个天才是您的错？ 当然不是。不过您还是应该多夸奖孩子付出的努力，而不是他的天赋。例如当他成功进入足球队时，您应该说“干得好。你在场下拼命训练，现在得到回报了”，而 不是说“我为你骄傲，你是一个有天赋的足球员。” 树立自信心。研究证实有自信心的孩子相信自己能战胜困难，所以他们更能坚持不懈。帮助孩子树立自信心。为他们获得成功而喝彩，清楚地告诉孩子您是如何为他自 豪。清晰明了的表扬比语焉不详地说“干得好”更有意义。遇到挫折时，您更应该往正面意义想，强调挫折是通往成功大道的荆棘。最后记得鼓励孩子，您相信他们终有一天会取得成功。 不要帮孩子解决问题。即使您想帮，也要注意切勿越俎代庖。假如您帮孩子做代数作业，周末还帮他做恐龙模型，您就该知道这只能帮他们一时，帮不了一世。孩子需 要自己经历挫折，通过自身努力解决问题，树立自信心。因此您应该帮孩子找出问题所在，讨论解决问题的方法，鼓励孩子采取行动并随时给出建议，让他们发现可 以靠自己的努力获得成功。 教导孩子，人生需要做出选择。一味地关心成功或失败会让孩子对现实抱有不切实际的幻想，让所有活动变得索然无味。比如您的孩子是个优秀毕业生、橄榄球队和举 重队队长、弗拉明戈舞冠军、在每出戏剧中担任主角，突然他沮丧万分，只因为他没能当上学校管弦乐团的首席小提琴手。这时您就应该向孩子说明，没有人能赢得 所有东西，这是一段宝贵的经验，而不是一段出于好玩、争强好胜失败的惨痛回忆。帮助孩子安排好日程表，想好什么是最重要的，制定符合实际的目标，这样他才能在自己最看重的事情上如愿以偿。 毋庸置疑，孩子会经历挣扎和失败，不过我们可以教导孩子将挫折当作转机，强调挫折不过是解决问题时必须克服的困难。鼓励孩子，给他们信心，只要勤奋和坚持，没有攻克不了的困难。以身作则，不要在自己的六岁小孩一求你去钓鱼时就马上扔掉手头上的事。通过引导孩子视挫折为过程而非结果，我们便教会了他们通往成功最重要 的一课。Savvy Life Skill: Dealing with FailureRegardless of how many parenting articles we read, how much emotional support we give, or how many teachers we bribe, our kids will have failures. Failures are a normal and important part of life, even for the most successful people. For example, Albert Einsteins ideas were wrong more than they were right, and Tiger Woods has lost many more golf tournaments than he has won. But luminaries like these thrive from failure. They use failures to inspire, to motivate, and to learn. The same can be true for our children. We cannot teach our kids how to avoid failures, but, by working on the following concepts, we can teach them how to fail productively and turn any setback into the fuel for achievement. 1. Failure is feedback on preparation. Teach your child that a failure is not a reflection of ability; it is only a reflection of preparation methods. For example, if your son studies for a math test for two hours a day, five days a week, yet gets a bad grade, then you and your son need to reevaluate his math studying regimen. Make it clear that the grade is not a sign of his intelligence or math skills. Instead the grade is simply an opportunity to solve a problem: what does he need to do to succeed on math tests? Perhaps he doesnt spend enough time on his daily homework to fully understand the concepts, perhaps he didnt study the right things for the exam, or perhaps its simply hard material and he needed to study three hours a day rather than two. Make it clear that there is some solution that will work, and use the bad grade to motivate your kid to change bad habits, find new study methods, or work harder. 2. Any task can be solved with hard work. Research shows that if kids think success on a task is based purely on skill, they will give up easily, but if they think success is due to effort, they will persevere. This means, for example, if you explain to your daughter that grades are a reflection of intelligence, she will be discouraged after getting a bad grade on a test and think she is not smart enough for an A. But if you explain that grades are mostly a reflection of effort, then she will see a bad grade as a sign that she didnt work hard enough, and she will be inspired to try harder. Emphasize the importance of effort in succeeding on a task, and your kids will see failure as a challenge that they can meet. 3. Complement mastery. Research also shows that children who are praised for their effort will embrace challenges, while children who are praised only for their innate talents will avoid challenges and give up more easily. Is it your fault that your DNA created a little genius? Of course not. But still you should try to complement mastery rather than ability. For example, if your kid made the travel soccer team you should say, “Great job. You really practiced hard during the off season and that really paid off,” rather than “I am proud that you are such a gifted soccer player.” 4. Build self-confidence. Studies show that kids with high self-confidence believe that they can overcome a failure, so they are more likely to persevere. Help your kids develop self-confidence. Congratulate them on their successes and tell them specifically why you are proud. Specific complements are much more meaningful than general statements like, “Great work.” With failures, try to focus on the positives and offer perspective. Emphasize that a failure is a small bump on their path to success. Finally, always encourage your kids and let them know that you truly believe they can succeed. 5. Dont fix it for them. Even though you want to help your children with failures, dont allow yourself to take over projects for them. If you start doing your kids algebra problem sets and spend your weekends making dinosaur dioramas, you might help their grades, but you wont help them in the long term. Kids need to have the experience of failing and then later succeeding on their own to gain self-confidence in their ability to bounce back. So find ways to help your kids fix failures for themselves. Discuss possible solutions, give them encouragement, and be available to give advice, but let them see that with their own hard work they can be successful. 6. Explain that we have to make choices. A constant focus on success and failure can make kids expectations unrealistic and make activities less fun. Your son may be valedictorian, captain of the football and wrestling team, an all-state Flamenco dancer, and get the leading role in every drama, but then he is upset when he doesnt get first chair violin in the school orchestra. Explain that you cant win at everything all the time, and that it is a worthwhile experience-and not a failure-to choose to do something just for fun without trying to be the