高考英语书面表达专项指导、讲练及习作评析3(一)考场习作评析4

1、2019高考英语书面表达专项指导、讲练及习作评析3 （1）考场习作评析4第三部分2013届高考英语书面表达考场习作评析（四）试题来源（江苏省石庄高级中学 2018届书面表达指导与练习）请你根据以下这幅图写一篇英语短文。要求：1.描述图画；2.就图画所反映的内容进行评论或提出自己的建议;3.词数:150左右。这是我们仿照北京市高考所出的题目。跟北京卷不同的是本书面表达要求词数达到150左右。同时考生可以按照半开放式作文的方法进行写作，也可以按照开放式作文的方法进行写作。我们这儿所选的考场习作为开放式的。【考场习作】11 Th:； is a VB-id pjcnirr. which。口口丫三苫 i

2、ought-prc-ckills messages. 2 ?In piciLir=. sevctal factory clnmtieys 冢and： frotn v.iiicli cjcuds of thick black stnokf art temg given off J jTrten a man 曾an也门口g aioLmd 也亡口下?工匕 am :i； njoutli fesls coafuied 丁加口 hencLiced rhe non-smokes 刃？n on the 诘：.ondered v.-hy v/hat the iactory does do;sn tagree i

3、th hat n my4(5)It fsnny that the factory is producing thick smoke while smoking is forbidden there.(6)Compared to the amount of smoke given off by the factory, the cigarette smoke is nothing atall. (7)However, actually there exist quite a few people who only know how to restrict others instead of th

4、emselves, which is hard to convince others. (8)As an old saying goes “ sweep before your own door . (9)Therefore we must be strict with ourselves before we are strict with others.(10)Only in this way can we build up a harmonious society.在评析考生考场习作之前，先让我们来看一看该书面表达的最基本的要点是什 么。.描述图片内容.自己的评论【总体评价】全文共10句1

5、54字。描述图片内容不仅全面，还为自己的评论打下了伏笔。评论也做到了有理有利有节。比较好地完成了题目所规定的任务。阅卷老师判分为21分(满分为 25分)。【具体评价】【习作的亮点】1习作根据作者自身水平较多使用了复合句.全文共有七句为复合句.充分显示了作者在 写议论文方面的扎实的基本功.11 a v：vjdpicri.u-e; ,.viiich ccnveys icuh.r-provcm叫汨三壬12jln tlie picture:factor- chitnneyj stand; from v/hich clouds of tluck black smoL:; aretiEiag given

6、off. 3 T：ien a man kandm口号 aroiind factory with im his moirzi.feels connived -ie noticedrLcn-snicZin sjgii on ie T.vall.14；iHf v.,onderedv/hy waa:rhe iacior- does doesnt agre; vha: K :aysx(5)It s funny that tffectory is producing thick smoke while smoking is forbidden there.However, actually there e

7、xist quite a few people who only know how to restrict others instead of themselves, which is hard to convince others.(8)As an old saying goes “ sweep before your own.door ”2.高级词汇的使用较多vivid生动的thought-provoking 发人深省的forbid禁止exist有，存在restrict 限制convince使信服build up 建立harmonious 和谐的K句子结构感为复杂，如果你不仔细揣摩，就有可

8、能认为是错句.口口： 141H Tonderwdv/har factor/ does doesnt witri v.-ha: itsay本句含有三个从句：一是廿3v.hy.宾语从句：二是wha:女farory do无主语从句；三是vhat i: says宾语从句口doeynT华工配立也是捐坯二.宾谙从句中谓语出本句意思是：他很纳闷，这家工厂为什么言行不一呢.4.运用对比的手法，增加了文章感染力和说服力。如：（5） It s funny that thectory is producing thick smoke while smoking is forbidden there. 本句用一个 w

9、hile”表示了强烈的对比。本句的意思是：这家工厂一边排放着浓烟，而一边又要禁止人们抽烟，真是滑稽可笑。紧接着又用对比的手法：（6）Compared to the amount of smoke given off by thefactory, the cigarette smoke is nothing at all.来进一步增强文章的感染力。5谚语的使用彰显了主题.As an old sanng goes ,wp before your on door,正如谚吾所说的那样；正人先正 己”不但引起了下文而且突出了本文的主题.6最后一句使用了倒装句给全文也噌色不少.Only in 山路 v,-

10、ay can we bu:ld up a hartnonious society.只有这样我们才能建立T和谐的社会.【习作的缺点】1.动词时态运用上有错误本篇书面表达所使用的时态应该是现在时。习作在描述图画时，却犯了致命的错误。第(3) (4)两句时态运用上混乱。而且又是在第一段，这样给阅卷老师留下了很不好的印象。如果阅卷老师不耐心继续看下去的话，恐怕这位考生的习作得分数最多不会超过17分。(3)Then a man wandering around the factory with a cigarette in his mouth, feels confused when he notice

11、s the non-smoking sign on the wall.(4)He wonders /is wondering why what the factory does doesn t agree with what it says?2.本习作运用的复杂句过多，不仅给人以故弄玄虚之嫌，而且使文章过于呆板，显得不是 那么错落有致。根据以上两点我们将习作修改如下：【修改后的习作】This 1* a picture 常二匚h cones vs-provokingIn :hf picture, sevrrai出 3cL fac:crj are Divina off clouds of blac

12、k smcke. A unc passing tv fartorv 曾:无 3 c:gare :n his moudi fee confused农口 ae nonces ie ncn-iinokiug cn 1二 E告h wonder：H2r, hy v/：tat the iacton- does doesn-t 年;其 what :t saysIts ftmny th丈 the facron- is producing thsc-: wie口笈 飞力:：之 stnokin? ds forbidden 由母 Compared to tlie amount of smoke ssven off

13、ty lie fac:or: smoking is noting 就 all Hovevsrf acmaZv 盘廿a 亡器 qu：:e a fewpeop；? v.Thc仁山.彳 hok to ifsirirt。:加rs instead of themselves,T-：nch S hard to com ince oiiers. As an old saying goes 三;邙 before your ovi doo:. Therafoi它,ve must be strict 不口:h醒 tefore v.e ar?丈门汽 口二由 oers. Only ：n :his way can v/

14、? bui：d upa iiarmon:ou- fortidpecpir :o smck? jt乎丫於 cff so much poisonous imoksWhat the picture above reflects is a common phenomenon which should be taken into consideration. In our daily life, some people make rules to restrict others but on the contrary, they often break the rules. For example, p

15、arents urge their kids not to play electronic games while they often play them even when they are having meals. Shouldn t parents set an example to their kids?Nowadays, there exist quite a few people who are strict with others, yet tolerant to themselves.And it is hard to convince others. So in my o

16、pinion, only if we should be more strict with ourselves will we qualify for asking others for much.参考答案2（建议式）This is a funny and instructive picture. In the picture, a young man is smoking happily in a factory when he sees a sign which means smoking on the wall. But he finds that the factory is givi

17、ng off large quantities of heavy smoke which makes him feel very puzzled, “Whydoes the factory forbid people to smoke while the factory itself emits so much poisonous smoke?Nowadays manvrhe danger of wmokjztg to Yeniseiand don-t allowpeople smoking m the factan: Howexer. thev don tpav anv anention tc the dang