靓丽语言体现细节魅力

1、PAGE 9 -靓丽语言，体现细节魅力彭文国【问题导读】读后续写的根本是讲述故事。故事的讲述需要设定主题，需要有好的情节来表达主题。而要有效地传达主旨，完美地表达情节，最终还是要落实语言的运用。没有贴切的、富有情感的语言，就不能有效地表达情节。从中国学生的英语学习情况来看，读懂原文并根据作者的主题思想设置情节都没有很大的问题。我们最大的问题在于词汇量匮乏，不能很好地表达自己的思想。那么，什么样的语言是有效的语言呢？我们如何才能掌握有效的语言呢？【名师导学】1.续写的用词要和原文保持一致，包括词汇的风格、色彩、语气、结构等。因此，我们在续写时要对原文有深刻的理解和感受。高考试题的原文大都来自外刊

2、，但是都经过特别的改编，适用于中国的高中生。具体来说，其用词一般都是在3，500个单词之内。因此，我们续写的用词都要在这个范围之内。不过分追求“高大上”的生涩单词，以免和原文脱节。因此，在平时的学习和练习中，我们对原文要特别重视。在动手续写之前，我们要对原文的用词有深刻的理解。最好对原文的用词进行归纳汇总，如，心理描写、动作描写等。这样我们就会对原文有更清晰的认识。2.积累丰富的词汇素材。只有掌握了丰富的词汇，我们才能在写作中游刃有余，才能充分表达原文中作者设定的思想情感和主旨。语言是很感性的，读的文章多了，我们就自然会产生“书卷气”，就有了表达的自信。我们也可以主动地去系统性地形成自己的词汇

3、库。我们可以有意识地去建立一个比较清晰的词汇网络。如，描述心理的词汇，包括开心、生气、激动、紧张等情绪的表达。再如，表示动作的词汇，包括各种各样的说、各种各样的走、各种各样的看，等等。有了丰富的词汇积累，我们在表达时就会更从容，表达也会更贴切。3.写作用词要恰当、顺畅、达义。不要刻意追求用词的“生冷”，更不要根据某部词典的汉语释义而轻易地用词。我们的用词要符合语境，符合原文用词的色彩。【案例导引】阅读下面短文，根据所给情节进行续写，使之构成一个完整的故事。AcoupleofmonthsbeforeIstartedhighschool，myparentsgavemethegreatestgift

4、anyteenageboycouldaskfor：acellphone.Ilivedonthatcellphoneallsummerwithmyfaceburiedinitsscreen.Itextedeveryfriendwhowasluckyenoughtohaveacellphone.Iignoredmyfamilyandmysurroundings.Beingconnectedwasmoreimportantthanbeingpresent.SoyoucanimaginemydispleasurewhenIlearnedwhatmydadhadplannedforourfamilyva

5、cationthatyear.“Thisyear，”mydadsaid，“wellbedoingsomethingspecial.Weregoingcamping！”Hisexcitementmetwithadisappointedsigh.Itwasntmydreamvacation，andIremainedunbotheredthroughoutthepackingandplanning.Mymindwasonmycellphone.Iwassoburiedinthescreen，infact，thatthefirsttimeIcouldremembertrulylookingupwasw

6、henwedroveacrossabridgeonthewaytoourcampsite.Istaredoutthewindowandsawredwoodstoweringaboveus，theirbranchesthreateningtopierce（刺破）thebluesky.Isawaroaringriver，withsliversofsilkyblackwaterappearingbetweencrashingwhiterapids.Theairblowingintothecarfromtheopenwindowswashotandsmell?edofpine.Butnoneoftha

7、tmatteredtome.ThereasonwhyIhadlookedupwasforsomethingfarmoreserious：mycellphonenolongerhadservice.Thelasthourofthedrivewasincreasinglytense.Mydadannouncedthathehadchosenacampsitethathadnocellphoneservice，andthatmycellphonewouldbeuselessuntilwereturnedhome.Iwouldbetrappedintheforestforfourdayswithnow

8、aytocontacttheoutsideworld！Iwentthroughthefullcycleofteenageemotionsduringthefirstdayofthetrip.Iraged（发怒）.Ibargained.Ibegged.Iflip?flopped（转变）fromadepressivestatetoanger.Iwenttobedangrilythatnight.ButwhenIawokeinthemorning，somethinghadchanged.注意：1.所续写短文的词数应为150左右;2.续写部分分为两段，每段的开头语已为你写好。Paragraph1：In

9、steadofburyingmyselfinmycellphone，Ifocusedonsomethingelse：mysurroundings.Paragraph2：Thefollowingdayspassedinaflashwithmanyfunactivities.一、原文故事的基本要素基本要素whomyfather，IwhenduringacampvacationwhatIwasaddictedtomycellphoneandignoredmyfamilyandsurroundings.二、原文故事的情节发展1.Myparentsboughtmeacellphonejustbefore

10、myhighschool.2.Iquicklygotaddictedtothecellphoneandforgoteverythingaroundme.3.Myfatherannouncedthatourfamilywouldgooutcampingduringthevacation.4.IwasreallydisappointedattheplanbecauseIjustwantedtostaywiththecellphone.5.DuringthejourneyIjustfocusedonmycellphoneexcepttheshortmomentwhenmycellphonewasou

11、tofservice.6.IwasevenangrywhenIknewwewouldstayinacampsitethathadnocellphoneservice.情節发展三、原文故事中的巧妙用词1.Ilivedonthatcellphoneallsummerwithmyfaceburiedinitsscreen.此处用了动词词组livedon和介词词组withmyfaceburiedinitsscreen。文章在此处主要是为了表达“我”对手机的沉迷。而livedon和buriedin非常贴切地表现了“我”沉迷于手机的情景。2.Beingconnectedwasmoreimportantth

12、anbeingpresent.此句意为“（在手机上的）联系远比在场（的人或环境）重要得多”。这里用动名词作主语和介词宾语，形象地表现了当时作者沉迷于手机的状况。3.Hisexcitementmetwithadisappointedsigh.本句用了两个名词，对比了“我”和父亲的两种态度：父亲是excitement，而“我”是disappointedsigh。4.Butnoneofthatmatteredtome.此句意为“但是这一切都与我无关”。本句用了matter，非常形象地表现了作者当时对窗外景色的漠视，仍然沉迷于手机的状态。四、续写故事的设计与语言运用续写第一段的段首句是“Instead

13、ofburyingmyselfinmycellphone，Ifocusedonsomethingelse：mysurroundings.”。根据段首句的提示，本段要重点描述“我”看到的周围环境的情况。对我们而言，理解故事情节不是很难，最重要的是要用合适的、精巧的语言描写环境。选择的词汇要既能展示环境的优美，又能表现“我”发现了周围环境的美之后的心境变化。此处可以有对自然环境和声音的描述，可以有对动植物的描述，同时要体现“我”的心情的变化。在自然环境方面，我们可以用thesweetair、thepuresky、thecharmingvalley、themurmuringofrunningwate

14、r、thebeautifulsoundofthewilderness、thebirdsandbugscreatingamagicworld、bothloudandpeaceful等。这些词看上去很常见，但是充分表现了自然之美，可以很好地展示自然的力量，为“我”的心情的转变做好铺垫。而在心情的变化上，我们也要注意用词的递进，确切地表达“我”的心情的变化，如anger、peace、interest、enjoy、excitement、fullsatisfaction.续写第二段的段首句是“Thefollowingdayspassedinaflashwithmanyfunactivities.”。续写

15、第一段主要是对静态的自然之美的描述。而根据续写第二段的段首句可知，本段主要描述的是人物的动态活动。我们可以在续写第一段对静态美的描述的基础上，在“我”的心态发生了变化的前提下，进行动态的描述。动作用词可以有hike、swim、fish等。同时可以有对具体的细节活动的描述，如climbthemountainwithalightheart、watchthebirdswithapeacefulmind、startafire、cookdeliciousandspecialmeals、laughhappily、sharestories、watchstars、observeflowersandbutter

16、flies等。这一切都为最后成功地表达“我”深深地感受到了这次野营的美好做好了准备。【范文欣赏】Paragraph1：Insteadofburyingmyselfinmycellphone，Ifocusedonsomethingelse：mysurroundings.Iheardthebeautifulsoundofthewilderness.Iheardthebirdsandbugscreatingamagicworldthatwasbothloudandpeacefulatthesametime.Myangergraduallyturnedtopeace，thenlittleinteres

17、tand，finally，excitement.Standingonthehighcampsite，IfelttheweightofstressmeltfrommyshouldersasIviewedthevastlandthatunfoldedbelowme.Thebeautifulandtouchingsightthatmetmystartledeyesnearlytookmybreathaway.Forthefirsttime，Ithoughtcampinginaplacethathadnocellphoneservicemightnotbesobadbutareallyenjoyabl

18、eexperience.Paragraph2：Thefollowingdayspassedinaflashwithmanyfunactivities.Ientirelyforgotaboutthecellphone，totallyoccupiedmyselfwithhiking，swimmingandfishing，allthewonderfulthingsthatIhadneverthoughtofbefore.MydadandIlearnedhowtostartafiretogetherafterseveralfalsestarts.WecookedtogetherandIatethesw

19、eetestmarshmallowsIhadevertasted.Dadtoldmestoriesofhislife，storiesIhadneverheardorperhapsIhadntbeenlistening.Whentheweekendcametoanend，IrealizedIhadntthoughtofmycellphoneonce.Ihadntfelttheneedtobeconnectedtoanywhereelse.ItdawnedonmethatwhatmatteredmostwasthetimeIwassharingwithjustmyfatherandnature.【

20、模擬导练】阅读下面短文，根据所给情节进行续写，使之构成一个完整的故事。“OK，everybody.Itsthattimeofyear，”saidmyscienceteacher，MrBeal.“ThisFridaywellhavetheannualEggDropChallenge.Bringyourbestcontainerstoclass.Youcanworkaloneorworktogether.”MrBealsfifth?gradeEggDropChallengewasaninstitutionatmyschool.ThegoaloftheChallengewassimpleyouhad

21、tobuildaprotectivecontainertokeepaneggfrombreakingwhendroppingontothestadiumground.Mybestfriend，Cassie，andIgrinnedateachother.Wealwaysworkedonpro?jectstogether.Shesbrainy;Imcreative.Weretheperfectcombination，likepeanutbutterandmarshmallowcream，whichhappenstobemyfavoritekindofsandwiches.Imademyfavori

22、tesandwichthatafternoonwhilewaitingforCassietocomeoverandworkonthecontainer.Spreadingthefluffymarshmallowcreamgavemeanidea.“Ihaveabrilliantdesignforoureggcontainer！”IsaidwhenCassiearrived.Shelookedatmeeagerly.“Wecancushionitwithsomemarshmallowcream.Youknow，toabsorbtheshockoftheimpact，”Iexplained.“Youvegottobekidding，Laura，”Cassieexclaimed.“Youhaveabetteridea？”Isaid.Cassiepointedtoasketchinhernotebook.“Actually，Ido.Weputtheegginabasketwithaparachuteattach