英语短文笑话(带翻译)

1、英语短文笑话（带翻译）1、How much English can you speak?Your Honor, I want to bring to your attention howunfair it is for my client to be accusedof theft. Hearrived in New York City a week ago and barely knewhis way around. Whats more, he only speaksa fewwords of English.The judge looked at the defendant and as

2、ked, Howmuch English can you speak?The defendant looked up and said, Give me yourwallet!中文翻译法官先生， 我的当事人被指控偷窃， 这是多么不公 正啊。他一周前才来到纽约，几乎不认路。而且，他 只会说几个英语单词。法官看了看被告，问道：你会说多少英文？被告抬起头，说：把你的钱包给我！A husband, proving to his wife that women talk morethan men, showed her a study which indicated that menuse on ave

3、rage only 15000 words a day, whereaswomen use 30000 words a day. She thought about thisfor a while and then told her husband that women usetwice as many words as men because they have torepeat everything they say.He said, What?丈夫给妻子看了一项调查结果， 为了向她证明女人比 男人啰嗦。研究表明男人平均每天使用15000个字，而女人每天使用30000个。 妻子想了一会儿说

4、，女人每天说的字数是男人的两 倍，因为她们必须重复已经说过的话。他问：什么？3Boy: Is this seat empty?Girl: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.男孩：这个座位是空的么？ 女孩：是的，如果你坐下，我的座位也将是空的。Tom, whats the matter with your brother? asked themother in the kitchen. Hes crying.Oh, nothing, Mum, replied Tom. Im eating my cake.He is crying because

5、I wont give him any. But has hefinished his own cake?Yes. said Tom. And he also cried when I was helpinghim finish that.汤姆，你弟弟怎么了？妈妈在厨房里问。他在哭。II没事儿，妈妈，汤姆答道。我在吃我的蛋糕。他 哭是因为我不给他吃。他已经吃完自己的了么？是的。 我帮他吃完时，他也哭了。2009-6-7A guy says to his friend, Guess how many coins I havein my pocket.The friends says,If I g

6、uessright, will you give me one ofthem?The first guys says,If you guessright, Ill give you bothof them!路人甲对路人乙说，猜猜我兜里有几个子儿？路人乙说：我猜对了，你能给我一个不？路人甲说：你要猜对了，我两个全部给你！2009-6-6研究生和本科生的区别I can always tell a graduate class from anundergraduate class, said an instructor at a universitygraduate engineering cour

7、se. When I say Goodafternoon, the undergraduates respond Goodafternoon. But the graduate students just write it down.一个教师在研究生工程学课堂上说：我一眼就能看 出来哪些是本科生，哪些是研究生。 我说下午好的时候，本科生回答下午好，而研究生则把这句话 记在本子上。2009-6-5Dad: Tom, please tell me, which month has 28 days?Tom: Every month.爸爸： 告诉我汤姆， 哪个月有28天呢？ 汤姆：每个月都有啊！200

8、9-6-4making facesFinding one of her students making faces at others onthe playground, Ms Smith stopped to gently reprimandthe child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teachersaid, Bobby, when I was a child I was told if I made uglyfaces, my face would freeze and stay like that. Bobbylooked up and r

9、eplied, Well, Ms Smith, you cant sayyou werent warned.史密斯小姐发现她的一名学生在操场上向别人做鬼 脸，便去轻责他。 这位主日学校的老师甜甜地微笑着，说：博比，我 小的时候，有人告诉我如果我做鬼脸，我的脸就会僵 硬，永远都那么丑。博比抬头看了看老师，说：史密斯小姐，你可别说 没人警告过你啊。 2009-6-3A guy goes to visit his grandma and he brings his friendwith him.While hes talking to his grandma, his friend startsea

10、ting the peanuts on the coffee table, and finishes themoff.As theyre leaving, his friend says to his grandma,Thanks for the peanuts.She says,Yeah, since I lost my dentures I can only suckthe chocolate off.一名男子带着朋友去探望他的祖母。 当他和祖母聊天时，他的朋友开始吃咖啡桌上放的花 生，并把花生都给吃光了。他们离开时，他的朋友对祖母说:谢谢您的花生。结果祖母说:唉！自从我牙齿掉光后，我就只

11、能吮掉 花生豆外层的巧克力了。2009-6-2A father was trying to teach his son the evils of alcohol.He put one worm in a glass of water and another wormin a glassof whiskey. The worm in the water lived, whilethe one in the whiskey curled up and died. All right,son, asked the father, What does that show you?Well, Dad,

12、it showsthat if you drink alcohol, you will nothave worms.一位父亲打算让自己的儿子知道酒精有多么可怕。他把分别把两只虫子放到一杯清水和一杯威士忌里 做对比。清水里虫子安然无恙，结果威士忌里的虫子 蜷缩了几下就挂掉了。所以，儿子啊，父亲问道，得出什么结论？ 恩，这说明，你只要喝酒的话，肚里就不会长虫了！II2009-6-1Looking very unhappy, a poor man entered a doctorsconsulting-room.Doctor, he said, you must help me. I swallow

13、ed apenny about a month ago.Good heavens,man! said the doctor. Why have youwaited so long? Why dont you come to me on the dayyou swallowed it? To tell you the truth, Doctor, thepoor man replied, I didnt need the money so badlythen.中文翻译：一个看起来很难受的穷人走进大夫的诊室。大夫！他说，帮帮我！一个月前我吞了一分硬币！II天哪，大夫说，早干嘛去了？你当时怎么不来看

14、？II实话告诉您吧，大夫，穷人说，我当时还不缺钱！2009-5-31Boy: Hi, didnt we go on dates before? Onec or twice?Girl: Mustve been once. I never make the same mistaketwice.男孩：嗨，我们之前是不是约会过， 是一次还是两次， 我忘记了。女孩：应该只有一次吧，我从不犯两次同样的错误。2009-5-30In an entrance examination of a conservatory of music, ateacher asked one of the boys, What

15、is the mostimportant physiological quality of a musician? To bedeaf, replied the boy.Nonsense! said the teacher angrily.Why, sir! Dont you know that the famous musicianBeethoven was deaf? the boy asked in replydisdainfully.在一次音乐学院的入学考试中，老师问其中一个男 孩：音乐家最重要的生理素质是什么？耳聋，男孩答道。胡说！老师气愤地说。怎么了，先生！难道您不知道大名鼎鼎的音

16、乐家贝多芬是个聋子吗？男孩轻蔑地反问道。2009-5-28A man sat at a bar, had the saddest hangdogexpression.Bartender: Whats the matter? Are you having troubleswith your wife?The man: We had a fight, and she told me that shewasnt going to speak to me for a month. Bartender:That should make you happy. The man: No, themonth i

17、s up today!一个男人坐在酒吧里，伤心至极。酒吧招待：你怎么了？跟老婆闹矛盾了？男人：我们吵了一架，她说一个月都不跟我说话。酒吧招待：那你应该高兴才是啊！男人：不，今天是这个月的最后一天。【Laughter】2009-5-27A woman worries about the future until she gets ahusband. A man never worries about the future until hegets a wife.女人找了老公之前都在担忧未来。男人娶了老婆之前 从来不为未来担忧。2009-5-26A man will pay $2 for a $1

18、 item he wants. A woman willpay $1 for a $2 item that she doesnt want.男人想要的东西， 要是值1块钱却卖2块，他也会买； 而对于女人，即使是不想要的东西，要是值2块钱却 只卖1块，她也会买。2009-5-25The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all malestudents and vice versa. Anybody caught breaking thisrule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught

19、breaking this rule the 2nd time will be fined $60. Beingcaught a 3rd time will incur a fine of $180. Are there anyquestions? At this moment, a male student in thecrowd inquires, Umm.How much for a season pass?女生宿舍将全面禁止男生进入， 男生宿舍也同样不得女生光临女生光临。不论是谁，一旦违规，初犯将被罚款20美元。再犯 要被罚款60美元。第3次被抓需要交180美元的罚 款。还有什么疑问么

20、？这时人群中一个男同学问道，那么一个季度通行证 需要多少钱？2009-5-24Boy: Can I buy you a drink?Girl: Actually Id rather have the money.男孩：我可以给你买杯饮料吗？ 女孩：你不如直接把钱给我得了。2009-5-22Doctor: Your cough sounds much better today. Patient:It should. Ive been practicing all night.医生：听上去你咳嗽今天好多了。 病人：应该如此。我昨晚练习了一整夜。2009-5-21Pete: The last tim

21、e I was out hunting, I stepped off ahigh cliff, and would you believe it, while I was fallingevery fool deed Id ever done came into my mind. Bob:Must have been a pretty high mountain you fell from.皮特：我上次出去打猎，跌下了很高的悬崖，信不 信由你，当我跌落的时候，我脑海里浮现了我做过的 所有蠢事。鲍勃：你一定是从万丈高山上跌落的吧。2009-5-19Spending the night with

22、their grandparents, 2 youngboys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers atbedtime. The younger boy began praying at the top ofhis lungs:I PRAY FOR A BIKE. I PRAY FOR A NEWDVD.His older brother nudged him and said, Why are youshouting your prayers? God isnt deaf. To which thelittle brother repli

23、ed, No, but Grandmais!2个男孩与祖父母一起过夜，他们跪在床边做睡前祷 告。弟弟声嘶力竭地祈祷: 我祈求一辆自行车，一张 新DVD哥哥用肘轻推他: 你为什么大喊着祈祷？上帝又不 聋。弟弟答道:上帝是不聋，但是奶奶聋。2009-5-18A cop spotted a woman driving and knitting at the sametime. Coming up beside her, he said, Pull over!No, she replied, a pair of socks!巡警发现一名妇女边开车边织毛衣， 便开车上前， 说：靠边停车（套头衫）！不，她

24、回答，是一双袜子！In order to prove the harmful effect of alcohol,theteacher put a bug into a glass filled with alcohol,soonthe bug died. The teacher asked a student,what doesthis show?The student answered,It shows that people wont getparasites if they drink more alcohol.酒的好处为了证明酒精对生物的危害，老师把一只虫子放入装 有酒精的杯子里，

25、虫子很快就死了。 老师问一个学生： “这说明了什么？ ”学生答道： “说明人多喝酒，就不会长虫子。 ”1. Teacher:Somestudents are becoming arrogant.Doyou remember the story about race between the hareand the tortoise?Now,Xiaoming,will you please tell uswhy the hare was defeated by the tortoise?Xiaoming:Because the hare fell asleep.Teacher:Absolutely

26、 right!What should we do sothat the hare wont fall asleep?Xiaoming:Exchange the tortoise for the wolf.把乌龟换成狼老师：有些同学开始骄傲了，大家还记得龟兔赛跑 的故事吗。小明，你说说看，兔子为什么输给乌龟？小明：因为它睡觉了。老师：对极了！我们应该怎么做才能让兔子不睡觉 呢？小明：把乌龟换成狼！Jonesie The Great Lion HunterA small village was troubled by a man-eating lion. So itsleaders sent a

27、message to the great hunter, Jonesie, tocome and kill the beast.For several nights the hunter lay in wait for the lion, butit never appeared. Finally, he told the village chief to killa cow and give him its hide. Draping the skin over hisshoulders, he went to the pasture to wait for the lion.In the

28、middle of the night, the villagers woke to thesound of blood-curdling shrieks coming from thepasture. As they carefully approached, they saw thehunter on the ground, groaning in pain. There was nosign of the lion.What happened, Jonesie? Where is the lion? askedthe chief.Forget the damn lion! he howl

29、ed. Which one of youidiots let the bull loose?伟大的猎手Jonesie有个小村庄正为一只吃人的狮子而烦恼。于是，村长 派人去请伟大的猎手Jonesie来杀死这只野兽。猎手躺着等了几个晚上， 但狮子一直没有出现。 最后， 他要求村长杀只羊然后把头皮给他。把羊皮披在身上 后，猎人到草原上去等狮子。半夜，村民被从草原传来的声嘶力竭的尖叫声惊醒。 他们小心地靠近后，看到猎手正躺在草地上痛苦地呻 吟。没有狮子出没的蛛丝马迹。“Jonesje怎么了？狮子在哪？ ”寸长问。“哪有狮子！ ”猎人怒吼道， “哪个傻瓜把公牛放出来了？Weather PredictA

30、film crew was on location deep in the desert. One dayan old Indian went up to the director and said,Tomorrow rain. The next day it rained.A week later, the Indian went up to the director and said,Tomorrow storm. The next day there was a hailstorm.This Indian is incredible, said the director. He told hissecretary to hire the Indian to predict the weather.However, after several successful predictions, the oldIndian didnt show up for two weeks.Finally the director sent for him. I have to shoot a bigscene t