初中英语趣味英语英语幽默笑话素材

1、精选和你身高差不多When we were newlyweds, my husband started a new job. Every evening I would gri11 him about the women at his office，demanding to know how pretty each one was, what color her eyes were, her hair, and so on. He always replied, I dont remember that kind of thing.”我们刚刚结婚，丈夫便开始了一份新的工作。每天晚上我都对他办公

2、室里的女性的情况严加盘问，要求了解到每个人有多漂亮，眼睛是什么颜色，发型是什么样式等等。他每次总是回答说:“我不记得那类事情。”One night, he put an end to my pestering. I had asked him the height of a particular woman. He told me to stand up and gave me a passionate kiss. Well,” he said, reflecting, I guess shes about your height.”一天晚上，他让我的纠缠宣告结束。我间他某个女人有多高。他让我

3、站起来，并给了我一个满怀激情的吻。“嗯，”他回忆着说:“我想她和你身高差不多。”好心反遭报应Eddie liked music very much when he was at school, but when he went to the university he decided to study medicine, instead of music. When he passed his examinations and became a doctor, he had to work in a hospital for some time. There he discovered tha

4、t a lot of the patients were happier and caused less trouble if pleasant music was played to them. When Eddie got an office and began to work for himself, he decided to keep his patients happy by having a tape recorder in his waiting room play beautiful music for them.艾迪在中学的时候非常喜欢音乐，可是上了大学后，他决心放弃音乐改

5、学医学。在通过考试成为医生之后，他必须在医院工作一段时间。在那儿，他发现如果播放动听的音乐，很多病人会快乐点，麻烦也会少点。有了自己的诊所开始营业时，他决定在候诊室放一台录音机，播放优美的音乐给病人听，让他们快乐一点。But soon after the tape recorder had been put in, Eddies nurse heard a woman, who was sitting in the crowded waiting room one morning, complain, “Here were all waiting to see the doctor, and

6、hes just playing the violin in his office instead of doing his work”录音机装好之后，有一天早上，艾迪的护士听到一位女士坐在拥挤的候诊室抱怨说:“我们大家都等着看病，他却只知道在办公室里拉小提琴，根本就不工作。”滑雪课Between my first and second ski lessons, I was practicing on the beginners slope at Mammoth Mountain in California. I began to pick up speed, and suddenly I r

7、ealized I had forgotten how to stop. That same moment, I saw a young couple standing motionless directly in my path. Look out! Get out of my way!” I yelled.我刚开始上滑雪课时，在加利福尼亚猛妈山的初学者坡道上进行练习。我逐渐开始加速，但我突然意识到我忘了该怎么停下来。就在这时，我看到一对年轻夫妇一动不动地挡了我的道。“当心!让开!”我喊道。They did not heed my warning, and a moment later th

8、e three of us were up to our ears in snow. As we were untangling poles and recovering skis, I apologized, explaining that I did not know how to stop.他们根本没有注意到我的警告，顷刻之间，我们三人都被埋在了雪里。我们抽出扭在一起的滑雪杆，找回滑雪板。我连忙道歉，解释说我不知道怎样停下来。Thats okay , madam ,”said the young man. We didnt know how to move.”“没关系，女士，”那名年轻男

9、子说，“我们不知道该怎样滑动。”它就是士兵As a newly commissioned infantry lieutenant, I was eager to set an example for my platoon by cleaning my own M一16 rifle. While we were working on the weapons, one soldier complained about the unusual notched shape of the M一16 s bolt and chamber, which makes it difficult to clean

10、.作为一名新上任的步兵中尉，我希望通过擦拭自己的M-16自动步枪，给全排的士兵们作个榜样。我们一块擦枪时，一名战士抱怨由于M-16的枪栓和枪膛特别的凹形结构，擦起来十分困难。Lieutenant, they need to make something to clean this with,” the soldier said.“中尉，应该制造出一种擦这枪的工具。”士兵说。They do,” piped up a sergeant.“已经制造出来了。”一个军士尖声说。Really? I said with surprise, wondering why we had not ordered s

11、uch a tool.“真的?”我十分诧异，纳闷为什么我们没有定购这种工具。Yes，sir,”replied the sergeant. Its called a soldier.”“真的，长官，”军士答道，“它就是士兵。”一个坏印象Six people were traveling in a compartment on a train. Five of them were quiet and well behaved, but the sixth was a rude young man who was causing a lot of trouble to the other passe

12、ngers.有六个人搭乘火车旅行，坐在同一个包厢内。其中五个人很安静，也很规矩。但第六个是个粗鲁的年轻人，给其他旅客带来了许多麻烦。At last this young man got out at a station with his two heavy bags. None of the other passengers helped him, but one of them waited until the rude young man was very far away, and then opened the window an shouted to him, you left so

13、mething behind in the compartment” then he closed the window again.最后，这位年轻人在一个车站带着两个沉重的皮箱下车了。没有一个旅客帮他的忙。有一个人一直等到这位粗鲁的年轻人走得很远了，才打开窗户，对着他大喊:“把什么东西留在包厢里了!”然后，又把窗户关了起来。The young man turned around and hurried back with his two bags. He was very tired when he arrived, but he shouted through the window, wh

14、at did I leave behind?年轻人转过身子，拎着两个沉甸甸的皮箱，匆匆地赶了回来。他转回来的时候，显得非常疲倦，他对着窗户大喊:“我把什么东西留在车上了?”As the train began to move again, the passenger who had called him back opened window and very bad impression当火车再次启动时，叫他回来的旅客打开窗户，说:“一个极坏的印象!”换个工作The doctor looked at his tongue, felt his pulse, knocked on and bega

15、n: Same old story, my much confinement. Do not deny it patient his chest friend. Too much confinement, Do not deny it. Walk, Walk.”医生看了一下病人的舌头，摸了摸脉，敲了敲胸部，然后说:“老问题，朋友。活动太少，别不承认。你需要大量的户外锻炼，散步，散步，散步。“But, doctor. . .”“可是，医生”“Dont argue with me. I am the doctor. Take my advice, Walk ten times as much as

16、 you do now. Thats the only thing that will cure you.”“别和我争论，我是医生。听我的劝告，走十倍于你现在走的路。这是治愈你的病的惟一方法。”“But my business”“但我的工作”That is just the trouble. Your business! Well, change your business, so that you can get a chance to walk more. What is your business?“问题就在这里，你的工作!噢，换个工作，这样你就有机会多走动了。你是干什么的?”“Im a

17、 letter-tamer.”“我是一个邮递员。”多少钱？It was winter, and Mrs. Hermann wanted to do a lot of shopping, so she waited until it was Saturday, when her husband was free, and she took him to the shops with her to pay for everything and to carry her parcels. They went to a lot of shops, and Mrs. Hermann bought a l

18、ot of things. She often stopped and said , Look，Joe! Isn t that beautiful !”冬天就要来了，荷曼太太想采购一大堆的东西，所以她就一直等到周六丈夫有空的时候，她拖着他去商店付钱连带拎包裹。他们去了许多家商店，荷曼太太买了很多很多东西。她经常停下脚步说:“看，乔伊!那个多漂亮!”He then answered, All right, dear, How much is it? And took his money out to pay for it.他总是回答:“好吧!亲爱的，多少钱?”然后掏钱去付款。It was dar

19、k when they came out of the last shop, and Mr. Hermann was tired and thinks about other things，like a nice drink by the side of warm fire at home. Suddenly his wife looked up at the sky and said, Look at that beautiful moon, Joe!”他们从最后一家商店出来的时候夜幕已降临，荷曼先生己累得筋疲力尽了，他心想着其他事情，比如，在家里暖暖的火炉边喝着美酒。突然他太太仰望天空，说

20、道:“看，乔伊，多么美的月亮啊!”Without stopping, Mr. Hermann answered，All right, dear, how much is it?”荷曼先生不假思索地答道:“好吧，亲爱的，多少钱?”不同的听众AI Smith was governor of New York State. He was a famous man. He was born very poor on the East Side of New York City. He had little education. He worked very hard and won great suc

21、cess.阿尔史密斯曾是纽约州的州长。他是个名人。他出生在纽约市东部的一个穷苦家庭。他读书不多，但他工作勤奋，终于获得了很大成就。One day, as governor, he was visiting the state prison at Sing一Sing. Sing一Sing is one of the largest prisons in the United States. The head of the prison asked Mr. Smith to say something to the prisoners. Mr. Smith had never spoken to

22、this kind of audience before. He did not know how to begin.有一天，作为州长，他访问星星监狱。星星监狱是美国最大的监狱之一。监狱长请史密斯对囚犯说几句话。史密斯先生以前从没对这类听众讲过话。他不知道怎样开口。Finally, he said, My fellow citizens. . .”Then he remembered that when a man goes to prison he is no longer a citizen. He began again. My fellow prisoners.”That did no

23、t sound right，。He said:We1l,anvway, Im glad to see so many of you here today.”最后，他说:“我亲爱的公民们”接着他想起一个人蹲监狱就不再是公民了。他重新开始:“我亲爱的囚犯们，”那听起来也不对劲儿，于是他说:“噢，无论如何，今天在这儿见到你们这么多人，真是太高兴了。”优缺点This house,”said the real-estate salesman, has both its good points and its bad point. To show you I m honest, Im going to t

24、ell yon about the disadvantages一there is a chemical plant one block south and a slaughterhouse one block north.”“这幢房子，”房地产推销商说，“既有优点也有缺点。为了说明我是诚实的，我将告诉你们它的缺点是在南面隔一个街区的地方有一家化工厂，在北面隔一个街区的地方有一家屠宰场。”What are the advantages? inquired the prospective buyer.“那么长处呢?”欲购房的人问道。The good thing about it,” said th

25、e a-gent, is that you can always tell which way the wind is blowing.”不同的听众A Scotsman, carrying a huge suitcase, has been riding a London bus for five miles along its route, all the while attempting to avoid the ticket collector.一个苏格兰人拎着一个很大的箱子，在开往伦敦的公交车上，这辆车已经行驶了五英里了。他时刻都想着避开售票员逃票。Finally, the conductor mana