《哈佛大学公开课：幸福课21-23集》英中字幕

===《哈佛大学公开课：幸福课21-23集》英中字幕=========目录TOC\o"1-3"\h\u[第21集]爱情和自尊 2[第22集]自尊与自我实现 37[第23集]收获交流 74[第21集]爱情和自尊Student:Hi,everyone.MynameisMeghan.Andwewererunningareallyfunstudyrightafterclassaboutmindfulnessandvision.Itshouldn'ttakemorethan10to15minutes.Soifyouareinterested,weneedmorethan60people.Sojustcomeuptothefrontafterclass.Anditwon'ttakealongtime.It'sreallyfun.Thankyou.(Applause)Dr.TalBen-Shahar:YouknowthisstoryaboutGertrudeStein.AndshewastakingphilosophyclasswithWilliamJames,righthereintheArt.Andtheyhadtheirfinalexam.Anditwasspringsemestercourse.Andshecomesintotheexam.Andit'sadayliketoday.Andtheexamisaboutmetaphysics,andthemeaningoflife.Sosheopenstheexamandwrites,"Todayistoobeautifuladaytotakeanexam."Andshewalksout.Andyouknow,aslegendhasitofcourse,shegetsastraightAinWilliamJames'class.Don'tusethatasanexampleoranexcuselateroninthissemester.ButIreallyappreciateyoubeingheretoday.Itisabeautifulday.Iwasthinkingofhavingtheclassoutside,butIthink-maybeweshould.Yeah.Whatwearegoingtodotodayisfinishuponrelationships-wehavejustalittletogo,andthenstartwithourfinaltopicforthecourse,whichisself-esteem.Soletmejustrecapwhatwedidwhenwediscussedrelationships.Sowetalkedabouthowdowe-givenournatures,howdoweattain,howdowesustainlastinglove,lastingpassionwhenitseemsonthephysiologicallevelatleastthatournaturesarenotattunedtothatapproach.Andwetalkedabout-whenstudyingthebestrelationships,the"tipofthestem"-fourcharacteristics,basedontheworkofDavidSchnarchandJohnGottman.Thefirstoneis:relationshipisthehardwork.It'sanillusiontothinkthatthemostimportantthingisfindingtherightrelationship;itismoreimportanttocultivatethatonechosenrelationship.Andjustlikewewouldnotthrive,succeedatwork,ifwesaid,"Well,Ijustfoundmydreamjob,"andthenputourlegsupandrelax;similarlywewouldnotthriveinarelationship,ifwehavethefindingmindset-wejustneedtofinditandwewilllivehappilyeverafter,aswetalkedaboutmoviesandwherelovebegins.Thesecondcomponentofahealthy,lastingandpassionaterelationshiprelatedtothefirstoneisthenotionofbeingknownratherthanbeingvalidated,expressingratherthanimpressing,beingopen,revealingourweaknessesaswellasourstrengths,ourdesires,ourpassions,ourfearsandinsecurities.Andrelationshipsthatdo,orpartnersthatdothatwithinarelationship,overtimeattainhigherandhigherlevelsofintimacy,happiness,andtheythrive,andtheyremain-maintaintheirpassion.That'sthesecondcomponent.Thethirdcomponentofahealthyrelationshipisthatthereareconflictsthere.Itisanillusiontobelievethattheidealrelationshipisonethatisconflictfreethatdoesn'texist,unlessbothpartnersaresuppressingseriousissues.Sothereareconflictsinrelationships.Thechallengeistohavemorepositivitythannegativityofcourseinarelationship,butalsotolearnhowtobeinthemidstofdisagreement,howtohaveconflict.Andfinally,thefourthpointthatwetalkedaboutwaspositiveperception;beingabenefitfinder,andmorethanthat,beingabenefitcreator.IwanttojustgobackquicklyandelaborateonsomethingthatIdidn'tlasttimeabouttheconflictorconflictswithinarelationship.Ithinkthemostimportantessay,articlethatIreadaboutrelationshipsingeneralwasthearticleonfriendshipbyRalphWaldoEmerson,publishedina84a.AndWhatEmersonwritesaboutishisidealfriend.Letmequotehim.Hesays,"inafriend,whatIamlookingforisnotamushofconcessions,apersonwhowouldagreewitheverythingthatIsay;ratherwhatI'mlookingforisabeautifulenemy,apersonwhowillchallengeme,whowillpushme,whowillhelpmeinmyapprenticeshiptothetruth."Abeautifulenemy-whatabeautifulphrase.Aconflictfreerelationshipiswheretherearenobeautifulenemies.Abeautifulenemyisapersonwholovesus,whocaresaboutusenoughtochallengeus,enoughtodisagree.Andaskyourselfwhatkindoffriend,whatkindofromanticpartnerwouldyoulike?Ayesmanorwoman?Orapersonwhowouldbehonest,wouldhavehighlevelsofintegrity?Whatistheidealfriend?Whatistheidealpartner?Youknowit'sinterestingthiswholeideaofbeautifulenemygoeswaybackitgoesbacktothemostinfluentialtextincertainlytheWesternworld,whichistheBible.InGenesis,Godseesthatmanisalone.Sohecreatesahelpmeetforhim,awoman.Ahelpmeet.Whatdoesthatphrasemean?ThisistheKingJamestranslation.Well,ifyoulookatitintheHebrew,original,"helpmeet"is"ezerkenegdoor",orhelpasopposition.Inotherwords,thehelpmeettranslation,themeetpart,M-E-E-T,islikeathleticmeet,likeacompetition.Nothelpingandtheymeettogether-it'shelpasopposition.Andalreadythenthatitwasnoticestheidealrelationshipisnotonewhichisallsmooth,conflictfree;itisonewherethereissomeresistance.Andit'sthisresistancethatGottmantalkedaboutinthe-orheistalkingaboutinthe2astcenturythatitissoimportant,socriticalforahealthyrelationship,abeautifulenemy,helpasopposition,helpmeet,againwithalotofpositivityintherelationshipaswell.Sowemoveon,andjustfinishuponpositiveperception.IwanttoshowyouanexcerptfromoneofmyfavoritemovieasIthinkit'soneofthebestmoviescertainlyintherealmofpsychologyevermade,fromAsGoodAsitGets.AndhereisthepartwhereHollyHuntertellsJackNicholsonthathe'dbettergiveheracomplimentandit'dbetterbeagoodcompliment.Becauseifitisnot,she'sgettingupandleaving.Hejustsaidsomethingveryoffensivetoher.Sohereiswhathehastosaytothewomanheloves.[VIDEO:CLIPFROMASGOODASITGETS]OK,nowI'vegotareallygreatcomplimentforyou,andit'strue.I'msoafraidyou'reabouttosaysomethingawful.Don'tbepessimistic.It'snotyourstyle.Okay,hereIgo:Clearly,amistake.I'vegotthis,what-ailment?Mydoctor,ashrinkthatIusedtogotoallthetime,hesaysthatinfiftyorsixtypercentofthecases,apillreallyhelps.Ihatepills,verydangerousthing,pills.Hate.I'musingtheword"hate"here,aboutpills.Hate.Mycomplimentis,thatnightwhenyoucameoverandtoldmethatyouwouldnever...Allright,well,youwerethere,youknowwhatyousaid.Well,mycomplimenttoyouis,thenextmorning,Istartedtakingthepills.Idon'tquitegethowthat'sacomplimentforme.Youmakemewanttobeabetterman.That'smaybethebestcomplimentofmylife.Well,maybeIovershotalittle,becauseIwasaimingatjustenoughtokeepyoufromwalkingout.Dr.TalBen-Shahar:Thisistheessenceofbenefitcreating.Youmakemewanttobeabetterman,abetterwoman,abetterperson.Youmakemewanttodothedishesaswell.Whatdowedothen?Howdowegetarelationshiporpartnersinrelationshipstofocusonthepositive,tofocusonthebenefit,tofocusoncreatingmoregoodthere?Wellwearegoingbacktotheveryfirstlesson,veryfirstclass-andthatistheimportanceofquestions.Remember,questionsbeginaquest.Whenweaskcertainquestion,weseecertainthingsthatwedidn'tseebefore.Whenweaskcertainquestion,wearealsoavoidingornotseeingpartofrealityrememberthegeometricshapes.It'sallyousaw-youdidn'tseecolors;youdidn'tseechildrenonthebus;mostofyoudidnotseetheclock.Andveryofteninrelationships,thequestionsthatweaskafterthehoneymoonis:"What'swrong?Whathappened?Orwhatcanbeimproved?"Andagain,theseareimportantquestionswithverygoodintentions.Butwejustavoidordon'tseeanimportantpartofreality.Sothequestionsthatweneedtoaskarealsothepositivequestions,thequestionsthatwillallowustoseethechildrenonthebus.WhatamIgratefulforinmypartner?Andit'simportanttodothatalways,especiallyduringdifficulttimes,becausethere'salwayssomethingtoappreciate.Andifwedon'tappreciatethatthing,thegooddepreciates,whetheritapplyingtoourcountry,toourorganization,toourrelationshipaswellastoourselves.Secondpositivequestion:Whatiswonderfulaboutourrelationships?What'sworking?Whyarewetogetherinthefirstplace?WhatdoIloveabouthim,her,us?What'sgood?Andwhenweaskwhat'sgood,that'swhenweperceiveit.Andwhenweperceiveit,whenweappreciateit,itappreciates.It'snotasurprisethatthestatisticsareastheyarewhatwesawlasttime,thatmostrelationshipsflounder,andeventhosestaytogetherdon'treallythrive.No,it'snocoincidence.It'sbecauseofmostofthequestionsthatweaskedagain,withgoodintentions.Noonehastheintentionscertainlynotgoingintoarelationshiptoenditornottothriveinit.Butmostofthequestionsthatweasked,thatwearetaughttoaskaretheonesthatfocusonthemetaphoricalgeometricshapes.Andwhatweneedtodoisopenupanewquest,noopportunity,seethingsthatarethereallalongthatwesimplyhaveoverlooked.Again,thequotefromRobertM.Pirsig,ZenandtheArtofMotorcycleMaintenance:sooftenwelookforthetruthandthetruthcomesandknocksonourdoor.Andwesaytoit,"Goaway!I'mlookingforthetruth."Veryoftenit'srightinfrontofus.Allweneedtodoislook.Andonewaytolook,onewaytoguideourattentiontowardwhatisrightinfrontofusisbyaskingalsothepositivequestions.OK,sowhatdowehave?Whatdowehavesofar?Intermsofcreatingamorepositiverelationship,intermsofbeingabenefitcreator,wewanttofocusonthepotential.Andthere'sonemorething,onemorethingthatwecando.Andthatiscommunicatingaboutpositiveevents.ThisistakenfromtheworkofShellyGablefromUCLAwho'sdonetomymindthemostimportantworkintheareaofpositivepsychologyasitrelatestorelationshipsYouseethereisalotofresearchthathasbeendoneonnegativecommunication,meaning-whatwesawlasttime-howdoyoudisagree,soratherhaveacognitivedisagreementratherthananaffectiveoremotionaldisagreementfocusonthesubstance,focusonthebehavior,ratherthanontheperson,ontheemotions.Soweknowthatthere'salotofresearchonorganizationalbehaviorandcouplescounselingresearchandsoon.Therehasbeenalmostnoresearchdoneonpositivecommunicationbetweencouples,whichisinlinewithmostoftheresearchdoneinpsychology.Again,remember,theratio21to1.Nowit'salittlebitless,butaround20toaratio,positivetonegativeresearch.Samewhenitcomestorelationship.Noexception,unfortunately.HerecomesShellyGableandsays,"Wealsoneedtofocusonwhatisworking."Andshestartedtostudypositivecommunicationaboutpositiveeventsquite.Andloandbehold,whatshefoundwasquiteremarkable.Infact,whatshefoundwasthatthewaycouplescommunicateaboutpositiveeventsisabetterpredictoroflongtermsuccessinrelationshipsthanhowtheycommunicateaboutnegativeevents.Whenthingsgowell-betterpredictoroflongterm,thriving,passionaterelationshipthanwhenthingsdonotgowellSowhenIcomehomeandtellmypartner,"Oh,Ijustdidthisanditwasamazing."Or"I'vejustseenthisanditwasbreath-taking."Orthisiswhatisgoingonatwork.Thisiswhat'sgoingoninmypersonallife.Andit'sagoodthing.Howmypartnerrespondspredictsalongtermsuccessoftherelationship.SpecificallywhatGableistalkingaboutisactiveconstructiveresponding.Whatisactiveconstructiveresponding?Whatshedoesisdivideitintoa2by2–I'mgoingtopresentthe2by2now.Thisistakendirectlyfromtheworkofthreeofmycolleagues,JaneElsner,BarbaraHeilmanandAmandaHornfromAustralia.Andhereiswhattheydid:putShellyGable'sworkintoanunderstandableclear2by2.Sowehaveononedimensionconstructiveversusdestructivecommunication;ontheotherdimension,activeversuspassivecommunication.Let'sgothroughthefourboxesusinganexample.Mypartnercomeshomefromworkandshesays,"Ijustgotapromotion,thepromotionthatI'vebeenwaitingforforsolong.IwasjusttoldthatIgotit."HowdoIrespond?Well,ifI'mpassiveanddestructive,Ishownointerest,divertedattention.Isay"Mmhmm",andjustmoveonortalkabout,"Butdidyouseewegotanewflowerinthegarden?"Justtalkaboutsomethingunrelatedtoit-divertedattention.Thisispassiveanddestructive.Now,destructiveandactive.Justgotpromotion.Shecomeshome.Andmyresponseis"Ohno,thismeanswe'llhaveevenlesstimetospendtogether!Whatdoesthismeanaboutourchildrennow?"Or"whataboutourholidaythatwewouldgoon,weweregonnagoonnextmonth?It'snotpossiblenow,isit?"Destructiveandactive.Thenthereispassiveandconstructive.Thisisthemostcommonresponse."Oh,that'sgreat.Wonderful.Mmhmm.Wow."Andthenthereistheforthbox,theactiveandconstructive,whichis"Youjustprom...Thatisamazing!Tellme,tellmeallaboutit!Sowhathappened?Didthebosscallyouintohisofficeandtellyou?Howdidithappen?"Or"Wehavetocelebrate!"Or"let'scallourfriendsandgoout!Thisisamazing!Welldone!You'veworkedsohardforit!I'msohappyforyou!"Activeconstructive.Asitturnsout,thereareconsequences,implicationstoeachoneoftheseresponses.Unfortunately,this–theactiveconstructive-notverycommon.Notverycommonamongpartnersespeciallyafterthehoneymoonphase.Sowheninitiallythephysiological,thenovelty,theexcitementisthere,ithappensmoreoften.Butafterawhile,thisgoesaway,andwithit,asShellyGablehasshown,thesuccessoftherelationshipinalongterm.Nowthethingaboutactiveconstructiverespondingisthatitappliestonumerousareasinourlives,notjusttoromanticrelationships-howIcommunicatewithmyroommates;howIcommunicatewithmyfamily,parents,children;asatherapist,howIcommunicatewithmyclients,becauseagain,mostofwhatpsychologyhasbeenaboutisforthetherapiststositthereandtobepassiveconstructive-tosmile,"Mmhmm.Wonderful.Andthenwhathappened?"-Asopposetoactiveconstructiveandthereareconsequences.Itdoesn'tmeanthatit'stherightapproachineveryrelationshipeverytime,becausethereareafewconstraintshere.Forexample-ithastobewin-winevents.Let'ssaymypartnercomesfromworkandsays,"Tal,youwon'tbelieveit.Ijustmadethemostamazinglovewithmycolleague.Hewasunbelievable!Infact,Ineverfeltthiswaybefore."Nowactiveconstructive:Dotellmoreandwhathappenedthen?Verydifficulttobeactivelyconstructiveinthesituationformostpeople.Presentcompanyincluded.Verydifficult.Soit'saboutwin-win.That'snotawin-winasfarasIcansee.Ithastobeawin-win.Inotherwords,somethingthatbothofusortherelationshipwillbenefitfrom,orattheveryleast,thattheotherpersonisnothurtbyit.Ithastobegenuine.Itcannotbefake,becausethatcan'tespeciallyoncethepartnerknowsyouovertimeitjustdoesn'twork.Ithastobegenuine,meaningwehavetogetintotheroleofourpartner,identifywith,empathizewith,beonewithsothatwecangenuinelyrespondtoit.Andifwedogenuinelyrespondtoit,andifitisawin-winthat'swhenitgeneratesupwardspiralonafewlevels.Firstofall:remember,usuallywhenapositiveeventhappens,whathappens?ThereisaspikeupandthenaffectiveforecastingGilbert'swork-showsgoesbackdownagain.Whateffectiveconstructiverespondingdoeswhichis"OK,tellmemore.Sohowwasit?Let'scelebrate!Givememoredetails.Iwannaknow!I'minterested!"Whatitdoestothespikeisprolongit.Itactuallykeepsitgoingformuchlongerthanitwouldhavebeenjustapositiveeventandthenbacktothebaselevel.Becauseweknownomatterwhatpromotionwegetatwork,initiallyitfeelsgreat,nomatterwhatraiseinitiallyitfeelswonderful,andthenitgoesbackdownagaintobaselevel.Activeconstructiverespondingactuallyelongatesthatraising,thatimprovementinwellbeing.Sothatisonespiralthatitcreates-feelingbetter.Thesecondspiralisaninter-personalspiral,meaningapersonwhoactivelyconstructivelyrespondsgenuinelyentersthesameupwardspiral,meaningpeoplewhodothatgenuinelybecomehappierasaresultofbecausetheyexperiencetheevent.Andtheythemselvesbenefitandbecomehappier,againawin-winpotentially.Andfinally,italsodoeswhatpositivepsychologyasawholedoeswhichisbuildpositivecapacity.Rememberpositivepsychologytakesusnotjustfromthezerotothepositive,italsohelpsusbetterdealwiththenegativetothezero.Partnerswhoactivelyconstructiverespondtooneanotherarebuildingcapacityforhardtimes.Infactoneofthemostinterestingresearchthatweredonelongtimeagowasthatcoupleswhenthingswentwellortheywere-wasn't,thatlanguagewasn'tused-butessentiallywhentheyactivelyconstructivelyrespondedtooneanotherandsupportedoneanotherbackinthe1920s,oncetheGreatDepressionhit,therelationshipactuallybecamebetter;whereaspartnerswhodidn'thaveagoodbefore,therelationshipveryoftendissolved,becameworse.Inotherwords,whentheybuiltthecapacity,ithelpedthemalsodealwiththehardtimessuchas1929andthe1930s.Therearenoshortcutswhenitcomestogoodrelationships,tohealthyrelationships.Itishardwork,ifyouwanttosucceed,justlikeitisineveryotherdomaininlife.Therearenoshortcuts.However,thatdoesn'tmeanthathardworkcannotbeenjoyable,cannotbepleasurableaswellasmeaningful.Andwhenthathardworkispleasurableandmeaningful,overtimethatleadstoahappierrelationship,happierindividualstoawin-wintogetherness.Iwanttoendbutjustaddressingapointthatmanyofyouhaveraisedwithme:andthatisshouldweeventalkaboutrelationshipsinthecontextofpursuitofhappiness.Andtheanswerformostpeopleisyeswithsomediscomfort.Yes,becauseitistheNo.1generatoroftheultimatecurrency;somediscomfortbecausepursuinghappinessisbyitsnatureselfish.ImeanactuallywhenIamthinkingaboutmyhappiness,I'mthinkingbydefinitionabouttheself.Andshouldn'trelationshipbeabouttheoppositeofselfishness,inotherwords,aboutaltruism.Soletmejustsayafewwordsaboutthis.Let'stakeanexamplefromteaching.Imaginethis:imaginethatIactuallydon'tliketeaching.Idon'tliketoteach.Idon'tlikecominghereonTuesdaysandThursdays.Andinfactit'sverypainfulforme.However,Ihaveadeepsenseofdutybecauseofmyupbringing,becauseofthephilosophiesthatIread.Ihaveadeepsenseofdutytootherpeople.AndIknowthatpositivepsychologyisorhassomeimportantmessagestogivepeople.AndthereforeIteachit,notbecauseIlikeit,butbecauseIthinkitcanpotentiallyhelpotherpeople.AndIwakeupinTuesdaysandThursdaysmornings,andIdreadgoingtoclass.Thehourandahalfseemslikeeternitytome.ThelastthingintheworldthatIwanttodoisteach,butI'mdrivenbymysenseofduty,becauseI'manaltruist,I'msacrificingmyselfforwhatIthinkisagreatergood.Nowthinkofthealternative.Imaginethisteacherandthenimaginethealternative.Andthealternativeisme.Iloveteaching.ThereisnowhereelseIwouldratherberightnowthanhere.Ilovepositivepsychology.Ican'twaittogetontomycomputerandwritethelectures;Ican'twaittopreparethepowerpointsandworkhardonGoogleimagetodoso;Ican'thardlywaittointeractwithyou.IlovebeinghereeveryTuesdayandThursday.Itismypassion,itismycalling,itisbothpleasurableandmeaningfultometospendtimewithyou.AndnowIaskyouwhichteacherwouldyouratherhave?Theteacherwhoishereoutofasenseofduty,foraltruisticreasons?Oristhepersonwhoishereforselfishreasons,becausehewouldratherbeheremorethananyotherplace?Ialsoaskyouwhichteacherdoyouthinkwouldbeabetterteacher?AndnowIaskyou,whichpartnerwouldyouratherhave,apartnerwhoiswithyoujustbecausetheyfeellike"Well,thatpersonreallyneedsme,"or"Ifeelsorryfortheperson,""Idon'treallylikethatperson,butI'mtherejusttobethereforthem,because,outofasenseofduty"?Orwouldyouratherhaveapersonwhoiswithyoubecauseyouarethemostimportantpersonintheirlives,becausetheycareaboutsomuchthattheIbecomestheWe?Theycareaboutyouasmuchastheycareaboutthemselves.Theyincludeyouintheircircleoftheself.Whichrelationshipdoyouthinkwillthrivemore?Nowthatdoesnotmeanthatthereisnosacrificinginrelationships;thatdoesnotmeanthatifmypartnerisunwell,orneedsmyhelp,Iwouldnotgooutofmyway,evenifitmeansgivingupsomethingthatIreallyreallywanttodoatthatpoint.Ofcourse,inhealthyrelationships,whentheIsbecomeaWe,sacrificesexist,andthereishealthysacrifice.Butit'snotarelationshipthatisbasedfundamentallyonthesenseofdutyoraltruisticnegationoftheself.AsNathanielBrandensays,themoreindependentweare,themoreinter-dependentwecanbecome.That'swhentheIbecomesaWe.Againthisissomethingwhichgoesagainstmuchofourteachingsit'snotalwayseasytoaccept,butagainthisclassmuchmorethanitisaboutpositivepsychology,isaboutrealitypsychology.Andaskyourselfwhatpartnerwouldyouratherbe,whatpartnerwouldyouratherhave,whatteacherwouldyouratherhave-completelyanalogous.OK.Let'smoveonnowtotheverylasttopicofthisclass.AsI'vesaidmanytimes,Ineverprocrastinate;IjustuseGoogleimage.Istartedtothinkexplicitlyaboutthetopicaboutself-esteemwhenIwasasenior,asanundergraduatehere.IstartedtothinkaboutitwhenInoticedanotherphenomenon.SothatwasafterIswitchedintophilosophyandpsychology.Iwasveryhappyonmyconcentration.Iwasveryhappyplayinginthesquashteam.Harvardwasgoinggreatforme.ButthenIstartedtonoticesomethingthatwasunclear,didn'tmakesensetome.AndthatwasthefactthatIhadlowself-esteemorsoitseemedatleast.Anditdidn'tmakesensetome,becauseIwasdoingwell,Ihadwonprizes,Ihadreceivedalotofaccolades,alotofsupport,whetherit'sfrommyroommates,friends,family,lotofpadsonthebackinathletics,inacademics.AndyetIhadlowself-esteem.Anditjustdidn'tmakeanysensetome.Therewasanotherthingthatbaffledmeevenmore.ItwasasifonsomelevelIwaspunishedbysuccess.WhatdoImeanbythat?EverytimewhenIwouldsucceed,orwhenIdidgetpraise,myself-esteemwouldincrease,wouldimprove.Butthenveryquicklyafterwards,itwentdown,backtoitsbaselevelandevenlower.Andinordertoraiseitbackupagain,Ineededevenmorepraise,evenmoreaccoladesthanIneededbefore.AndthemetaphorthatkeptcomingtomindwasSisyphuspushingarockuponmountain.Iwouldpushtherockupthemountain,struggletillthenextvictorycame.AndthenextvictorycameandIgotthepraise,Igottheaccolades,Igottheprize.Andmyself-esteemwashigh.Iwasontopofthemountain.Andthenthisrockwouldberolleddownagain.AndIwouldhavetorundownandstarttopushitupagainonlythistime,thehillwasevensteeper;IwouldhavetostruggleevenmoreandIwouldgetupthereagainandthenitwouldrollbackdown.Nowitwasn'tenoughtohavetheaccolade,thepraise,theamountthequalityandthequantitythatIhadbefore.Ineededevenmorejusttogetontothesamemountain,evensteeper,evenmoredifficult.Anditdidn'tmakesensetome.AndthenItookaclass-senioryearendedupbeingoneofmyfavoriteclassesforvariousreasonswhichIwillnotgointonow,FairyTales.ItookFairyTalesandwereadEmile,Rousseau'sEmileAndMariaTatartalkedaboutwonderfultheoriesanditclicked.Iendedupwritingmyseniorthesis,myfinalpaperforthatclassonself-esteemandthateventuallybecamemydissertation.That'sactuallywhatIwrotemyPHDon,thistopic.SowhatIwanttodotodayisshowwithyousomeoftheinsightsthatIgotinFairyTalesaswellasotherthinkerswhohavebeenthinkingaboutthistopicofself-esteem,becauseitisimportant.ItisnotfornothingthatIendthecoursewiththetopicofself-esteem,becauseitisatthefoundation,atthecoreofsomanyoftheotherthingsthatwediscussed,whetherit'shealthyrelationships,whetherit'shappinessingeneral,whetherit'sbenefitfindingorbenefitcreating,whetherit'sbeingknownratherthanvalidated.Self-esteemencompassessomanyoftheseideas.Sohereiswhatwearegonnado.Firstofall,wearegoingtotalkaboutwhyisitimportant?Alotofmisunderstandingaboutwhatself-esteemisandisnot.Wearegoingtotalkaboutsometheoriesthatcanapplytoourlives.Andthenwe'llelaborateontheparadoxthatIjusttalkedabout,thatsometimessuccessactuallyleadstolowerlevelsofself-esteem.Andwhydoesthathappen?We'llexplainthat.AndthenI'llintroduceessentiallymydissertationonself-esteem,whereIdividedtheoneconstructintothreedistinctcomponents,whicharedependenceself-esteemself-esteemthatisgeneratedbyothers'praiseorapproval;independenceself-esteem-self-esteemthatcomesfromwithin,self-esteemthatisnotcontingentonwhatotherpeoplesay,selfgenerated;andfinally,unconditionalself-esteem,orastateofbeing,wherewesimplyandnaturallyexist.SoI'lltalkaboutthesethreelevelsandhowwecancultivateindependentaswellasunconditionalself-esteem.Andfinallywewillendbynexttimebytalkingabouthowwecanenhanceourlevelsofself-esteem.Nowmanypeoplewhentheylistentoalectureonself-esteem,gointoevaluationmodeandsay,"OK,sodoIhavehighself-esteem?"-Imeaningyou;or"Ismyself-esteemhigherthanthepersonsittingnexttome,ormypartnerorfriend?"Andtheanswertothisquestionisyoucan'treallyknow,meaningwecan'tmeasureself-esteem"objectively".Wedon'treallywhereitisinthebrainyetwemaybeableto10yearsfromnow,20yearsfromnow.Butthat'snotanimportantquestion,justlike"AmIhappy?"ornotisnotanimportantquestion,infactamisleadingquestion.Thequestionrather,remember,is"HowcanIbecomehappier?"Thesamewithself-esteemthequestionisnot"DoIhavehighorlowself-esteem?"butrather"HowcanIenhancemyself-esteem?"BecauseasIargueshortly,therecannotbetoomuchself-esteem.Butsometimespeopleassociatetoomuchself-esteemtoarrogance,conceitandnarcissism.It'snotself-esteem.Infactitistheexactoppositeofit;it'slackthereof.Sohavingstrongersenseofselfisagoodthing.Andthequestionis"HowcanIenhanceit?"Todaymyself-esteemishigherthanitwaswhenIstart