四种常见问题句的修改

WritingLecture2Revising&EditingRevising&Editing“Thereisnosuchthingasgoodwriting,butonlygoodrewriting…Rewrite,rewrite,andrewriteagain”---DingYanren

（丁言仁）Revisingmeansrewritinganessay,buildingonwhathasalreadybeendone,tomakeitstronger.

Herearesomequickhintsthatcanhelpmakerevisioneasier:First,setyourfirstdraftasideforawhile.Afewhourswilldo,butadayortwowouldbebetter.Youthencomebacktothedraftwithafresh,moreobjectivepointofview.Second,workfromtypedorprintedtext.Youwillbeabletoseetheessaymoreimpartiallyinthiswaythanifyouwerejustlookingatyourownfamiliarhandwriting.Next,readyourdraftaloud.Hearinghowyourwritingsoundswillhelpyoupickupproblemswithmeaningaswellasstyle.Finally,asyoudoallthesethings,addyourthoughtsandchangesabovethelinesorinthemarginsofyouressay.Yourwrittencommentscanserveaguidewhenyouworkonthenextdraft.ThreestagestotherevisingprocessStep1RevisingcontentStep2RevisingsentencesStep3Editing

1.RevisingContentTorevisethecontentofyouressay,askyourselfthesequestions:1.Ismyessayunified?(1)DoIhaveathesisthatisclearlystatedorimpliedintheintroductoryparagraphofmyessay?(2)Doallmysupportingparagraphstrulysupportandbackupmythesis?2.Ismyessaysupported?(1)Doesthebodycontributetothethesis,i.e.helpconvincethereaderthatthethesisiscorrect?(2)Doeseachparagraphserveaclearfunctionandhaveatopicidea?Canreaderseasilyfindthetopicideas?1.RevisingContent2.Ismyessaysupported?(3)DoIhaveenoughexamples,detailsorreasonsthatsupportthetopicideas?Arethereunsupportedideasinthedraft?Aretherepoorexamples,detailsorreasonsthatshouldbedropped?AretherebetteronesthatIcansubstituteoradd?1.RevisingContent2.Ismyessaysupported?

(4)Arethereparagraphsorideasareirrelevant?Ontheotherhand,haveIleftoutanystepsorpoints?1.RevisingContent

3.Ismyessayorganized?

(1)DoIhaveanaccurate

title,aninterestingintroduction,andasolidconclusion?(2)DoIhaveaclearmethodoforganizingmyessay?Time/space/logic(3)DoIusetransitionsandotherconnectingwords?1.RevisingContent2.RevisingSentencesTorevisesentencesofyouressay,askyourselfthesequestions:1.DoIuseparallelismtobalancemywordsandideas?2.DoIuseconcreteandspecificwords?3.DoIuseactiveverbs?--Teachersliketopreach:theactivevoiceisusuallymorecrisp,brief,andvigorousthanthepassivebecauseitplacesthedoerofanactioninaprominentplace.Butnoticethatactivevoicemaynotalwaysbeabetterchoice.Makeyourownjudgment.

2.RevisingSentences4.DoIusewordseffectivelybyavoidingslang,clichés,pretentiouslanguages,andwordiness?--Isthewritingtoowordy?HaveIdeleteallthewordsthatcanbedeleted?IfIhavetoshortentheessayby200words,whatpartwouldIcut?2.RevisingSentences5.DoIvarymysentences?

(1)DoesthedraftflowsmoothlywhenIreaditaloud?Dothesentencesholdtogether?Aretheytooshortortoolong?Aretheyalldeclarativesentences?Sinceusingavarietyofsentencelengthsandtypeswouldhelpavoidmonotony,haveIdoneso?2.RevisingSentences5.DoIvarymysentences?(2)Aretherewordsorexpressionsthathavebeenrepeatedlyused?Isitpossibletochangethemandsaythesamethingindifferentwords?Arethereexpressionstooformalortoocolloquialforthisparticularessay?2.RevisingSentences3.EditingAfteryouhaverevisedyouressayforcontentandstyle,yourarereadytoedit.Editingmeanscheckingforandcorrectingerrorsingrammar,punctuation,capitalization,sentencestructure,wrongusageandspelling.Revising:AStudentModel

Diane’sfirstdraft:ThetheaterofferstemptationintheformofsnacksIreallydon’tneed.LikemostofusIhavetoworryaboutweightgain.AthomeIdoprettywellbysimplywatchingwhatIkeepinthehouseandnotbuyingstuffthatisbadforme.Icanmakedowithhealthysnacksbecausethereisnothinginthefreezer.(tobecontinued)

Revising:AStudentModelDiane’sfirstdraft:Goingtothetheaterislikespendingmyeveningina7-11that’sbeenequipedwithamoviescreenandthereareseatswhicharecomfortable.Itrytopersuademyselftojusthaveadietsoda.Thesmelloffreshpopcornsoonovercomesme.MyfriendsareasbadasIam.Choclatebarsseemtojumpintoyourhands.Ieatenormousmouthfulsofmilkduds.BythetimeIleavethetheaterIfeeloutofsortswithmyself.Revising:AStudentModelDiane’sseconddraft:Second,thetheaterofferstemptingsnacksIreallydon’tneed.LikemostofusIhavetobattleanexpandingwaistline.AthomeIdoprettywellbysimplynotbuyingstuffthatisbadforme.Icanmakedowithsnackslikeceleryandcarrotsticksbecausethereisnoicecreaminthefreezer.(tobecontinued)Revising

:AStudentModelDiane’sseconddraft:Goingtothetheater,however,islikespendingmyeveningina7-11that’sbeenequipedwithamoviescreenandcomfortableseats.AsItrytopersuademyselftojusthaveadietsoda,thesmelloffreshpopcorndrippingwithbuttersoonovercomesme.Choclatebarsseemtojumpintomyhands.Ieatenormousmouthfulsofmilkduds.BythetimeIleavethetheaterIfeeldisgustedwithmyself.Revising:AStudentModelDiane’sseconddraft:Second,thetheaterofferstemptingsnacksIreallydon’tneed.LikemostofusIhavetobattleanexpandingwaistline.AthomeIdoprettywellbysimplynotbuyingstuffthatisbadforme.Icanmakedowithsnackslikeceleryandcarrotsticksbecausethereisnoicecreaminthefreezer.(tobecontinued)Revising:AStudentModelDiane’sseconddraft:Goingtothetheater,however,islikespendingmyeveningina7-11that’sbeenequipedwithamoviescreenandcomfortableseats.AsItrytopersuademyselftojusthaveadietsoda,thesmelloffreshpopcorndrippingwithbuttersoonovercomesme.Choclatebarsseemtojumpintomyhands.Ieatenormousmouthfulsofmilkduds.BythetimeIleavethetheaterIfeeldisgustedwithmyself.Diane’srevisionservestomaketheparagraphmoreunified,bettersupported,andbetterorganized.Tonotethechanges,completetheactivitybelowbyfillinginthemissingwords:1.Toachievebetterorganization,Dianeaddsatthebeginningoftheparagraphthetransitionalphrase“_________”,makingitveryclearthathersecondsupportingideaistemptingsnacks.

second2.Dianealsoaddsthetransition“_________”toshowclearlythedifferencebetweenbeingathomeandbeinginthetheater.3.Toaddmoredetails,Dianechanges“healthysnacks”to“_____________________________”;shechanges“nothinginthefreezer”to“________________________”;sheadds“____________________”after“popcorn”.

however

snackslikeceleryandcarrotsticks

noicecreaminthefreezerdrippingwithbutter4.Intheinterestofeliminatingwordiness,Dianeremovesthewords“___________________________”fromthethirdsentence.5.Intheinterestofparallelism,Dianechanges“andthereareseatswhicharecomfortable”to“___________________”.

watchingwhatIkeepinthehousecomfortableseats6.Intheinterestofunity,Dianecrossesoutthesentence“___________________________”.Sherealizesthatthissentenceisnotarelevantdetailbutreallyanothertopic.

MyfriendsareasbadasIam.7.Tocreateaconsistentpointofview,Dianechanges“jumpintoyourhands”to“_________________”.8.Finally,Dianereplacesthevague“outofsorts”withmoreprecise“__________”.jumpintomyhanddisgustedEditing:astudentmodel

Aftermakingallthechangesinherseconddraft,Dianeprintedoutanothercleandraftoftheessay.Theparagraphontemptingsnacksrequiredalmostnomorerevision,soDianeturnedherattentionmostlytoeditingchanges,illustratedbelow:Diane’sthirddraftSecond,thetheaterofferstemptingsnacksIreallydon’tneed.Likemostofus,Ihavetobattleanexpandingwaistline.AthomeIdoprettywellbysimplynotbuyingstuffthatisbadforme.Icanmakedowithsnackslikeceleryandcarrotsticksbecausethereisnoicecreaminthefreezer.(tobecontinued)Editing:astudentmodel

Editing:astudentmodel

Diane’sthirddraftGoingtothetheater,however,islikespendingmyeveningina7-11that’sbeenequippedwithamoviescreenandcomfortableseats.AsItrytopersuademyselftojusthaveadietsoda,thesmelloffreshpopcorndrippingwithbuttersoonovercomesme.Chocolatebarswiththesizeofsmallmobilephonesseemtojumpintomyhands.IriskpullingputmyfillingsasIchewenormousmouthfulsofMilkDuds.BythetimeIleavethetheater,Ifeeldisgustedwithmyself.Editing:astudentmodel

Aftermakingallthechangesinherseconddraft,Dianeprintedoutanothercleandraftoftheessay.Theparagraphontemptingsnacksrequiredalmostnomorerevision,soDianeturnedherattentionmostlytoeditingchanges,illustratedbelow:Diane’sthirddraftSecond,thetheaterofferstemptingsnacksIreallydon’tneed.Likemostofus,Ihavetobattleanexpandingwaistline.AthomeIdoprettywellbysimplynotbuyingstuffthatisbadforme.Icanmakedowithsnackslikeceleryandcarrotsticksbecausethereisnoicecreaminthefreezer.(tobecontinued)Diane’sthirddraftGoingtothetheater,however,islikespendingmyeveningina7-11that’sbeenequippedwithamoviescreenandcomfortableseats.AsItrytopersuademyselftojusthaveadietsoda,thesmelloffreshpopcorndrippingwithbuttersoonovercomesme.Chocolatebarswiththesizeofsmallmobilephonesseemtojumpintomyhands.IriskpullingputmyfillingsasIchewenormousmouthfulsofMilkDuds.BythetimeIleavethetheater,Ifeeldisgustedwithmyself.Tonotethechanges,completetheactivitybelowbyfillinginthemissingwords.1.Aspartofherediting,Dianecheckedandcorrectedthe________oftwowords,“equipped”and“chocolate”.spelling2.Sheadded_______tosetofftwointroductoryphrases(“Likemostofus”inthesecondsentenceand“BythetimeIleavethetheater”inthefinalsentence.)3.Sherealizesthat“milkduds”isabrandnameandadded____________tomakeit“MilkDuds”commacapitalletter4.Andsincerevisioncanoccuratanystageofthewritingprocess,includingtheediting,shemadeoneofherdetailsmorevividbyaddingthedescriptivewords“_________________________”withthesizeofsmallmobilephones写出漂亮的英文句子漂亮英文句子的三大原则1简洁明了2生动有力3错落有致一.简洁明了名句欣赏1.Toerrishuman,toforgive,divine.---AlexanderPope(凡人多舛误，唯神能见宥。)

2.Theonlyrewardofvirtueisvirtue;theonlywaytohaveafriendistobeone.---RalphWaldoEmerson

（对美德的唯一回报是美德；获得友谊的唯一途径是给人友谊。）3.Animalsaresuchagreeablefriends–theyasknoquestions;theypassnocriticisms.---GeorgeEliot（动物是令人心仪的朋友，它们从不提问，更不批评。）

Ifyoupasscommentorpassacomment,yousaysomething.发（言）；陈述（意见）简洁≠简单简洁：简明扼要，没有多余内容简单：篇幅短，字数少，简单句多一.简洁明了例句评析1：Wordy:LiuBinworksataTVstationworkingasanewsreport.Better:1)LiuBinworksataTVstationasanewsreporter.2)LiuBinisanewsreporterataTVstation.一.简洁明了例句评析2：

Wordy:Inacautiousmannerthecarwentaround

thecorner.

Better:Thecarwentaroundthecornercautiously.一.简洁明了删繁就简的技巧：1.介词代替从句E.g.1.

Wordy:Whenyoucometothesecondtrafficlight,turnright.

Better:Atthesecondtrafficlight,turnright.E.g.2.

Wordy:Hecamefromafamilywhichwashighlypositionedandverywealthy.

Better:Hecamefromafamilyofwealthandposition.一.简洁明了2.用前置修饰语替代who/that从句E.g.1Wordy:ThecouplewhohadjustmarriedplanstovisitTibet.Better:Thenewly-wedcoupleplanstovisitTibet.E.g.2

Wordy:Whatdoyoumeanbybehaviorsthatare

appropriateforalady?Better:Whatdoyoumeanbyladylikebehaviors?一.简洁明了3.杜绝冗余，忌语义重复E.g.1.Redundant:Frenchwinesareamongtheworld’sbestandmostexpensivewines.Better:Frenchwinesareamongtheworld’sbestandmostexpensivewines.E.g.2.

Redundant:Theypresenttheirviewsoveralong-distancetelephonecall.

Better:Theypresenttheirviewsoveralong-distancetelephonecall.一.简洁明了4.学会使用含否定意义的词E.g.1：Wordy:Collegestudentwhodonothavesufficientfinancialbackingcanapplyneeds-basedscholarship.Better:Collegestudentwholacksufficientfinancialbacking

canapplyneeds-basedscholarship.E.g.2:Wordy:Thesideeffectswerenotveryoftenexperiencedby

patients.Better:Thepatientsrarelyexperiencedthesideeffects.一.简洁明了5.省略关系代词，简化句子结构例句评析：2013年4月出版的Time

（《时代周刊》）有一篇报道，讲述诺贝尔生物奖获得者PhilipSharp带领的由多学科专家组成的“梦之队”医疗小组在癌症治疗方面取得的突破性进展。文中有一句话:“dreamteamsfundedbyStandUPtoCancer,anorganizationstartedbyentertainment-industryfiguresunhappywiththeprogressbeingmadeagainstAmerica’smostdeadlydisease.”一.简洁明了这句话写的非常紧凑，如果将句子补全，将是这样“dreamteamswhicharefundedbyStandUPtoCancer,whichisanorganizationthatwasstartedbyentertainment-industryfigureswhowereunhappywiththeprogressthatwerebeingmadeagainstAmerica’smostdeadlydisease.”作者将五个定语从句的关系代词全部省略。如此一来，句子结构更加紧凑，文字更加精炼。一.简洁明了6.摈弃套话，忌华而不实E.g.Bad:Good:Wouldyouliketositdownplease?(原句出自17世纪法国喜剧作家莫里哀的作品《可笑的女才子》LesPrecieusesRidicules，该作品的目的是讽刺法国上流社会矫揉造作的语言风格，将一句简单的“请坐”如此表达就可见一斑)一.简洁明了Showsomemercytothischairwhichhasstretchedoutitsarmstoyouforsolong;please

satisfyitsdesiretoembraceyou!1.Wegathertogetherheretoconsolethefamilyingrief.---Wegatherheretoconsolethefamilyingrief.2.AnIdealHusbandisafilmadaptionofOscarWilde’splaythattellsastoryofapopularpoliticianwhowasinvolvedinascandalthatledtohisdownfall.---AnIdealHusbandisafilmadaptionofOscarWilde’splaythattellsastoryofapopularpoliticianbroughtdownbyscandal.Practice3.Iamenclosingwiththislettertwodocumentsforyourreview.---Iamenclosingtwodocumentsforyourreview.4.Susanalmostfinishedtalkingonthephone,butdidnot,whenherbabywokeup.---Susanhadbarelyfinishedtalkingonthephonewhenherbabywokeup.Practice5.Theofficerapprehendedtheimbibedoperatorofthevehicle.---Theofficerarrestedthedrunkendriver.Practice二.生动有力E.g.1Istandbeforeyoutoday,therepresentativeofafamilyingrief,inacountryin

mourning,beforeaworldin

shock….Dianawastheveryessenceofcompassion,ofduty,ofstyle,ofbeauty.这是戴安娜的兄弟斯兵塞伯爵献给戴安娜的悼词，请分析这句话的特点。Istandbeforeyoutoday,therepresentativeofafamilyingrief,inacountryin

mourning,beforeaworldin

shock….Dianawastheveryessenceofcompassion,ofduty,ofstyle,ofbeauty.今天，我代表一个悲痛欲绝的家庭站在你们面前，向沉浸在哀痛中的全国人民以及全世界震惊的人们致辞…戴安娜王妃集慈悲、责任、潮流、美丽于一身。二.生动有力1.善用抽象名词，表达更地道E.g.2TranslatethefollowingsentenceintoEnglish.

他的博客很快吸引了众多忠实读者的关注。---Hisblogsoonattractedtheattentionofmanyfaithfulreaders.---Hisblogsoonattracteda

dedicated

readership.二.生动有力需要注意的是，虽然英语中有大量抽象名词，且有时使用抽象名词比具体名词更地道，但并不是任何情况都适用。有时候这些词过于抽象，反而会令读者无法得到切实的形象。试比较这两个句子：1)Joshachievedgreatsuccessinhiscareer.2)Joshreachedthetopoftheladderinhiscareer.第二句比第一句形象、具体。二.生动有力2.动词多变化，表意更形象。E.g.1在面试中，如果求职者说

“ItakepartinseveralHRprojects.”面试官很可能要求说的更具体些，因为“参与”过于笼统。那么求职者可以这样说：draftproposals,spokeatmeetings,editcompanybrochures,distributeemployeepaychecks,designanddeliverHRtrainingprograms,synthesizereports,etc.二.生动有力2.动词多变化，表意更形象E.g.2Theirongateofthelittleoldelevatoropenedslowlyandanenormousmanwalkedout.Theirongateofthelittleoldelevatorcreaked

openandanenormousmanwalkedout.二.生动有力3.词性转化，常换常新E.g.1Fortwoweeks,thewholeLondonwas

talkingaboutWuGuanzhong’spaintings.---Fortwoweeks,WuGuanzhong’spaintingswerethe

talkofLondon.二.生动有力3.词性转化，常换常新E.g.2Thecameramanwentintothegymandfoundthattheplayerswerestretchingtheirarmsandlegs,buthedidnotsee

thereferee.---Thecameramanwentintothegymandfoundthattheplayerswerestretchingtheirarmsandlegs,therefereenowhere

in

sight.二.生动有力4.倒装巧利用，文章赋新意E.g.1TheimmenseexpanseoftheGobiDesertstretchedbeforeus.

---BeforeusstretchedtheimmenseexpanseoftheGobiDesert.

评析：修改后的句子是全部倒装，强调沙漠的广漠。

二.生动有力E.g.2AlthoughIamfondofmychildren,Ihopetheywon’tgrowupspoilt.---FondasIamofmychildren,Ihopetheywon’tgrowupspoilt.评析：强调表语fond，突出对孩子的喜爱，与“不希望孩子被宠坏”形成鲜明对比。二.生动有力5.突出重点，关键词重复英语名篇名句赏析：1.Wecame,wesaw,weconquered.我来，我见，我征服。这是凯撒（Caesar）在泽拉战役中大胜后写给罗马元老院的著名捷报。这三个平行句简洁有力，读来颇具气势。二.生动有力英语名篇名句赏析：2.We

shallgototheend,weshallfightinFrance,weshallfightontheseasandoceans,weshallfightwithgrowingconfidenceandgrowingstrengthintheair,weshalldefendourIsland,whateverthecostmaybe,weshallfightonthebeaches,weshallfightonthelandinggrounds,weshallfightinthefieldsandinthestreets,weshallfightinthehills,weshallneversurrender.二.生动有力5.突出重点，关键词重复英语名篇名句赏析：2.这是丘吉尔在面对法西斯的毁灭性进攻时，向英国也是向全世界作的二战时期极为著名的战争动员演讲。“我们将战斗到底。我们将在法国作战，我们将在海洋中作战，我们将以越来越大的信心和越来越强的力量在空中作战，我们将不惜一切代价保卫本土，我们将在海滩作战，我们将在敌人的登陆点作战，我们将在田野和街头作战，我们将在山区作战。我们绝不投降！”二.生动有力虽然重复某些关键词可以达到突出重点的作用，但是写作中要避免没有意义的重复，否则只会显得啰嗦。例如：ThewomanwhomImarrymustbeawomanwhodoesnotregardmeassomeonewhosechieffunctionistoconvertherintoawomanwhohaschildren.---ThewomanwhomImarrymustnotregardmechieflyasthefatherofherchildren.评析：原句中的woman并非全句关键信息，所以无需重复强调。“assomeonewhosechieffunctionistoconvertherintoawomanwhohasachild”既繁冗又表意不清。改后的句子简洁清晰。二.生动有力1.Ellenspentmostofhisvacationsittinginfrontofthetelevision.

（提示：斜体单词可以具体化）2.Beingpreparedisthebestwaytodefendyourselfagainsttestanxiety.

（提示：斜体部分某个词可以改变词性）3.只有当你获得足够的数据，你才能得出正确的结论。

（提示：用倒装句型翻译这句话）Practice1.Ellenspentmostofhisvacationsittinginfrontofthetelevision.---Ellenspentmostofhisvacationslumpedinfrontofthetelevision.2.Beingpreparedisthebestwaytodefendyourselfagainsttestanxiety.

---Beingpreparedisthebestdefenseagainsttestanxiety.3.只有当你获得足够的数据，你才能得出正确的结论。---Only

when

youhaveobtainedsufficientdatacan

you

come

to

asoundconclusion.Practice三.错落有致1.使用从句，变化才是真一篇英语文章如果通篇都是简单句或者单一的句式，就会显得单调乏味，也暴露出写作技巧之贫乏。灵活多变的句式能使文章增色不少例如通过分词、从句、介词、形容词词组等将若干个简单句整合成长句，不仅能使句型多变，还能使句与句之间的联系更加紧密，甚至增强整篇文章的逻辑性和连贯性。使用复杂多变的句式有个前提，那就是不能出现低级语法错误，否则适得其反。三.错落有致E.g.1TheArtofStrategywaswrittenbySunZi.Itisafifty-six-hundred-wordChineseclassicalwork.Thewriterputforthasetofprinciples.Thebookdealswithhowtodefeatoppositionsandwinbattles.---Inhisfifty-six-hundred-wordclassics,TheArtofStrategy,SunZiputforthasetofprinciplesforachievingtriumphoveropposition.原句的问题在于：1）主谓结构过多。2）单一的句式结构不仅显得句与句之间逻辑关系松散，而且文字效果单调。三.错落有致---Inhisfifty-six-hundred-wordclassics,TheArtofStrategy,SunZiputforthasetofprinciplesforachievingtriumphoveropposition.修改后的句子将原句的五个信息点（书名、作者、书籍特点、主要内容、写作目的）囊括于一个长句中，将“孙子提出一系列原则”作为最核心的结构，其余信息分别通过介词词组（in和for）以及同位语的形式列出，条理清楚，符合英语表达习惯。三.错落有致E.g.2Beijingstreetsarecrowdedwithtaxis,busesandprivatecars.Thenumberhasbeenrisingrapidlyinthelastfewyears.Thelateststatisticsshowtherearenowover5millionvehiclesinBeijingalone.---Taxis,busesandprivatecarshavecrammedBeijingstreetsinrisingnumbersinthelastfewyears—over5millionvehiclesatlastcount.原句：

三个主谓结构，句式单一，读来乏味，句与句之间逻辑关系松散。修改后：

主谓+同位结构，比较精炼耐读，逻辑关系清晰。三.错落有致2.采用平行，行文更工整平行结构是以语法结构对称来突出句子意义的一种修辞，即把两个或两个以上结构相同或相似、意义相关、语气一致的词、词组或句子依据语言表达的需要进行有意排列组合使之形成一个有机整体。三.错落有致2.采用平行，行文更工整E.g.1Goingtothetheater,however,islikespendingmyeveningina7-11that’sbeenequippedwithamoviescreenandcomfortableseats.5.Intheinterestofparallelism,Dianechanges“andtherearechairswhicharecomfortable”to“comfortablechairs”.三.错落有致E.g.2