EnglishJokes英语笑话

1、EnglishJokes（央语笑话）IforgottoshakethebottleMother:Whyareyoujumpingupanddown?Tom:I'vejusttakensomemedicineandIforgottoshakethebottle.妈妈：你为什么不停地跳上跳下的？汤姆：我刚吃完药，可我忘了先摇动瓶子了。Getthekid.'Abitofadviceforthoseabouttoretire.Ifyouareonly65,nevermovetoaretirementcommunity.Everybodyelseisintheir70s,80s,or90

2、s.Sowhensomethinghastobemoved,liftedorloaded,theyyell,'Getthekid.'这里想对将要退休者提一点忠告。如果你只有65岁的话，千万别进退休社区。因为那里人人都七八十岁或者八九十岁了。每当要搬东西，抬东西或者装东西时，他们就叫喊，让小的干吧。”他到底想借什么？Areyouusingyoumowerthisafternoon?Mr.Johnson:Areyouusingyoumowerthisafternoon?Mr.Smith:Yes.Mr.Johnson:Fine.ThencanIborrowyourtennisrack

3、et,sinceyouwon'tbeneedingit?约翰逊先生：今天下午你准备用割草机吗？史密斯先生：是的。约翰逊先生：太好了。既然您不用网球拍，那我可以借用一下吗？所有的烟卷都会点着的Allthecigaretteswillbeonfiresoonerorlater.Marywassodisgustedatherhusband'scigarettesmokingthatshecomplainedtohimoneday.'Ihopethatallthecigarettefactorieswillcatchfiresomeday.''Don't

4、worry,dear.Allthecigaretteswillbeonfiresoonerorlater.'Hesaidwithasmile.玛丽非常讨厌丈夫吸烟，一天对他抱怨说：我希望有一天所有卷烟厂都失火。”不用担心，亲爱的，所有的烟卷迟早都会点着的。”他笑着说。Afineweapontokilltime"Doyousingandplaymuch?"ayoungmanaskedtheprettygirlwhowascarelesslythrummingthekeysofthepiano."Onlytokilltime."shereplied.

5、"You'vegotafineweapon,Imustadmit."Ventured大胆提出theyoungman.向主保密Idon'twantHimtoknowI'mhere.'Adistinguishedclergymanandtheeldersfromhiscongregationattendedanout-of-townmeetingthatdidnotfinishuntilratherlate.Theydecidedtohavesomethingtoeatbeforegointhome,butunfortunatelytheonly

6、spotopenwasaseedybar-and-grillwithaquestionablereputation.Afterbeingserved,oneoftheeldersaskedtheclergymantosaygrace.'I'drathernot,',theclergymansaid,'Idon'twantHimtoknowI'mhere.'一位著名牧师和他教区的几位老人出席城外会议直到天黑才开完会，他们打算在回家前吃点东西。但很不巧只有一家名声不好的下等酒吧烤菜馆开着门。饭后，一位老人要牧师祈祷。我想我是免了，”牧师说。我

7、不想让主知道我在这里。”否则Otherwisehewouldtrytoborrowitfromme.Tom:Williamhasaskedmeforaloanoffivepounds.ShouldIbedoingrightinlendingittohim?Jack:Certainly.Tom:Andwhy?Jack:Becauseotherwisehewouldtrytoborrowitfromme.汤姆：威廉向我借五英镑。我该不该借给他？杰克：当然应该了。汤姆：为什么？杰克：否则他就该跟我借了。心不在焉的丈夫Iwasaccompanyingmyhusbandonabusinesstrip.H

8、ecarriedhisportablecomputerwithhim,andtheguardattheairportgateaskedhimtoopenthecase.Itwaslocked,andthemanwaitedpatientlyasmyembarrassedspousestruggledtorememberthecombination.Atlasthesucceeded.'Whyareyousonervous?'Iaskedhim.'Thenumbersarethedateofouranniversary.'myhusbandconfessed.我陪

9、丈夫一起出差，他带着他的手提式计算机。机场出口处检查员要他打开包。他耐心的等着我那窘迫的丈夫设法回想起暗锁的密码。最后他终于想起来了。你为什么那么紧张呢？"我问他。这密码是我们结婚纪念日。”他承认道。还是太贵ItisstilltoomuchAnoldladywhowasverydeafandwhothoughteverythingtoodear,wentintoashopandaskedtheshipman:'Howmuchthisstuff?''Sevendollars,Madam,itisverycheap.'Theladysaid,'It

10、istoomuch,giveittomeforfourteen.''Ididnotsayseventeendollars,butseven.''Itisstilltoomuch,'repliedtheoldlady,'giveittomeforfive.'一位耳聋并且总是嫌东西太贵的老太太走进一家商店。她问店员：这东西要多少钱？”比美元，太太，这是很便宜的。”老太太说：太贵了，十四美元差不多。”店员忙说：我没说十七美元，是七美元。”还是太贵，”老太太说：五美元，我就买啦。”Mom'shere?OneeveningIdrovemyh

11、usband'scartotheshoppingmall.Onmyreturn,Inoticedthathowdustytheoutsideofhiscarwasandcleaneditupabit.WhenIfinallyenteredthehouse,Icalledout.'Thewomanwholovesyouthemostintheworldjustcleanedyourheadlightsandwindshield.'Myhusbandlookedupandsaid,'Mom'shere?'一天晚上我开着丈夫的车去购物，回来后发现车身沾

12、满灰尘，于是擦洗了一阵。当我终于走进屋里时大声喊：世界上最爱你的女人刚擦洗了你的车灯和挡风玻璃。”我丈夫抬头看了看，说：妈妈来了？”谁在打架Whowasfighting?Mother:Freddie,whyisyourfacesored?Freddie:Iwasrunningupthestreettostopafight.Mother:That'saverynicethingtodo.Whowasfighting?Freddie:MeandJackieSmith.妈妈：弗雷迪，你的脸为什么那么红？弗雷迪：我刚才在大街上跑，为的是阻止一次打架?妈妈：你做的对，谁和谁在打架。弗雷迪：我和杰

13、克史密斯。ItwasoverdueYourfunnystorywastoooverdue.iusedtohearaboutitwheniwasjustamiddleschoolstudent.haveyoueverheardaboutthissentence:"webrotherwhoandwho"?OnemoreP-patientD-doctorP:Doctor,themedicineugavemewasofgreathelp!D:Oh?Howmuchdouhaveatatime?P:None,butmyunclehadthem,nowi'mhisonlyheir

14、继承人！BestRestaurantTherewerethreerestaurantsonthesameblock.Onedayoneofthemputupasignwhichsaid"TheBestRestaurantintheCity.Thenextday,thelargestrestaurantontheblockputupalargersignwhichsaid"TheBestRestaurantintheWorld."Onthethirdday,thesmallestrestaurantputupasmallsignwhichsaid"TheB

15、estRestaurantonthisBlock."allybabyOncetwohunterswenthuntingintheforest.Oneofthemsuddenlyfelldownbyaccident.Heshowedthewhitesofhiseyesandseemedtohaveceasedbreathing.Theotherhuntersoontookouthismobilephonetocalltheemergencycenterforhelp.Theoperatorsaidcalmly:"First,youshouldmakesurethatheisa

16、lreadydead."Thentheoperatorheardagunshotfromtheotherendofthephoneandnextheheardthehunterasking:"WhatshouldIdonext?"两个猎人进森林里打猎，其中一个猎人不慎跌倒，两眼翻白，似已停止呼吸。另一个猎人赶紧拿出手机拨通紧急求助电话。接线员沉着地说：第一步，要先确定你的朋友已经死亡。”于是，接线员在电话里听到一声枪响，然后听到那猎人接着问：第二步怎办MyBabySwallowedaBulletYoungMother:"Doctor,mybabyswal

17、lowdabullet.WhatshallIdo?Doctor:"Don'tpointhimatanybody."年轻的妈妈说：医生，我孩子吞下一颗子弹，我该怎么办？”医生说：不要让他指着任何人。”爱因斯坦与上帝EinsteinclimbstothetopofMt.SinaitogetcloseenoughtotalktoGod.Lookingup,heaskstheLord."God,whatdoesamillionyearsmeantoyou?"TheLordreplies,"Aminute.""Einstein

18、asks,"Andwhatdoesamilliondollarsmeantoyou?"TheLordreplies,"Apenny."Einsteinasks,"CanIhaveapenny?"TheLordreplies,"Inaminute."爱因斯坦登上西奈山与上帝近距离交谈。仰望着上帝，他问道：神啊，一百万年对于你来说相当于什么呢？”上帝回答：分钟。”爱因斯坦问：百万元对于你来说又相当于什么呢？”上帝回答：分钱。”爱因斯坦问：能给我一分钱吗？”上帝说：清等一分钟。”I'veJustBittenMyT

19、ongue"Arewepoisonous?"theyoungsnakeaskedhismother."Yes,dear,"shereplied-"Whydoyouask?""CauseI'vejustbittenmytongue!"Notes:(1) poisonousadj.有毒的(2) CauseI'vejustbittenmytongue因为我刚咬了自己的舌头。句中Cause是Because的缩略形式。我刚咬破自己的舌头我们有毒吗？”一个年幼的蛇问它的母亲。是的，亲爱的，”她回答说，你问这个干

20、什么？”因为我刚刚咬破自己的舌头。”GoodBoyLittleRobertaskedhismotherfortwocents."WhatdidyoudowiththemoneyIgaveyouyesterday?""Igaveittoapooroldwoman,"heanswered."You'reagoodboy,"saidthemotherproudly."Herearetwocentsmore.Butwhyareyousointerestedintheoldwoman?""Sheistheo

21、newhosellsthecandy."好孩子小罗伯特向妈妈要两分钱。昨天给你的钱干什么了？”我给了一个可怜的老太婆，”他回答说。你真是个好孩子，”妈妈骄傲地说。再给你两分钱。可你为什么对那位老太太那么感兴趣呢？”她是个卖糖果的。”Heisreallysomebody-Myunclehas1000menunderhim.-Heisreallysomebody.Whatdoeshedo?- -Amaintenancemaninacemetery.他真是一个大人物- -我叔叔下面有1000个人。- -他真是一个大人物。干什么的？- -墓地守墓人。A:Justlookatthatyoung

22、personwiththeshorthairandbluejeans.Isitaboyoragirl?B:It'sagirl.She'smydaughter.A:Oh,I'msorry,sir.Ididn'tknowthatyouwereherfather.B:I'mnot.I'mhermother.A: Hey,man!Pleasecallmeataxi.B: Yes,sir.Youareataxi.Ateenagegirlhadbeentalkingonthephoneforabouthalfanhour,andthenshehungup.&

23、quot;Wow!,"saidherfather,"Thatwasshort.Youusuallytalkfortwohours.Whathappened?""Wrongnumber,"repliedthegirl.LittleJohnny:Teacher,canIgotothebathroom?Teacher:LittleJohnny,MAYIgotothebathroom?LittleJohnny:ButIaskedfirst!Customer:Excuseme,butIsawyourthumbinmysoupwhenyouwerecarr

24、yingit.Waitress:Oh,that'sokay.Thesoupisn'thot."Whydoyoutakebathsinmilk?""Ican'tfindacowtallenoughforashower.""Youlookveryfunnywearingthatbelt.""IwouldlookevenfunnierifIdidn'twearit."IwasborninCalifornia.Whichpart?""Allofme."Three

25、micearebeingchasedbyacat.Themicewerecorneredwhenoneofthemiceturnedaroundandbarked,"Ruff!Ruff!Ruff!"Thesurprisedcatranawayscared.Laterwhenthemicetoldtheirmotherwhathappened,shesmiledandsaid,"Yousee,itpaystobebilingual!"Oncetherewerethreeturtles.Onedaytheydecidedtogoonapicnic.Whent

26、heygotthere,theyrealizedtheyhadforgottenthesoda.Theyoungestturtlesaidhewouldgohomeandgetitiftheywouldn'teatthesandwichesuntilhegotback.Aweekwentby,thenamonth,finallyayear,whenthetwoturtlessaid,"oh,comeon,let'seatthesandwiches."Suddenlythelittleturtlepoppedupfrombehindarockandsaid,"Ifyoudo,Iwon'tgo!"Theteachertoastudent:Conjugatetheverb"towalk"insimplepresent.Thestudent:Iwalk.YouwalkTheteacherintrupteshim:Quickerplease.Thestudent:Irun.Yourun.A: Lookatyo