高三一模试卷英语作文分析

1、高三一模试卷英语作文分析 浦东新区谢忠平英语教师培训基地 徐 峰（建平中学） 令人紧张的期末考试终于画上了休止符。但正如“休止符”三个字本身的内蕴，代表考核告一段落，也让我们期待更精彩的延续。虽然尚处寒假，但高三学生及其家长并未因此宽心，对二模卷乃至高考试卷的担心不减反增。所谓“预则立，不预则败”，为更好地应对后面的考核，亟需我们对一摸卷作充分反思。为帮助高三学生有效掌握高考英语写作方法，笔者对2010年全市18个区县的一模卷进行了整理、分析，最后惊讶发现，虽然各区县作文形式上稍有不同，文体却惊人一致，都是描述文。由此便有必要对一模卷的描述文写作进行梳理归类。具体如下：第一类是观点表述，谈谈对

2、某件事的看法。浦东新区、闵行、长宁、杨浦、普陀、崇明、青浦、卢湾和虹口九个区县都以此为作文主题，内容从学生作业负担过重到醉酒驾驶，到志愿者服务，不一而足。其中长宁和杨浦 “不谋而合地一致”触及社会热点谈谈如何看待十八位复旦学生去黄山探险遇险获救而有一位民警不幸牺牲的事件。可见，作文主题已从学校生活渐渐聚焦社会议题，这不能不引起注意。第二类是写信。徐汇、松江（使用徐汇区试卷）、宝山、闸北和黄浦五个区以写信形式为作文要求，但信中内容终究还是谈对某件事的看法，如“本班的介绍和对新同学李刚的要求或期望”、“回忆你高中生活中最难忘的点点滴滴，就他们即将开始的高中生活提出你的建议”、“火灾带来的危害和预防

3、火灾的重要性”、“中国达人秀”。第三类是图表。这次三个区的试卷以图表考核学生写作能力，但形式上略有不同：静安为柱状图、嘉定为图片、金山区则选择表格。第四类是活动介绍。本次模考，奉贤区个性化地以活动介绍为作文形式。尽管形式多样状态，但总的来说，主要提出两个要求。描写是其中之一，但描写在我们看来只是几句话带过的“述题”部分，仅为引子。重头戏是第二个要求，即要求考生看到事件背后的深刻主题而谈出些有哲理的观点，这才是评判作文质量的关键所在。下面两个例子可清楚说明这点。例子一：请简要描述此事并就“是否应该鼓励大学生去探险”这个话题谈谈你的看法。（长宁区）；例子二：对市民遛狗(walk the dog)的

4、描述；自己养宠物的经历或社会上养宠物的情况；你对养宠物的看法。而浦东新区在这方面的要求更为显豁。“阐述如何过生日更有意义。”从本次考试学生作文呈现的情况来看，学生在审题和具有逻辑性地表达方面还是有不少问题的。下面我们就浦东新区作文如何进行审题和如何进行具有逻辑性得表达方面作一些分析。Directions: Write an English composition in 120 150 words according to the instructions given below in Chinese.每个人每年都会过生日。请你简要描述一下你通常是怎么过生日的，并阐述如何过生日更有意义。很多同学

5、对“有意义”这一概念感到困惑。何谓“有意义”？笔者认为做一件有意义的事，是指作者获得快乐、提高认知或给他人生活带来变化等，这些都可视为“有意义”。写作思路：这篇作文从段落分布上说，主要有两层，比例以5/5或4/6为宜。1. 引入主题，简要描述通常如何过生日，因为是说通常情况，语言以一般现在时为宜，而而非描述过去某个特定生日。2. 阐述一下如何使生日过得更有意义。可以从自身出发，也可以泛泛而谈。结尾段。将主旨稍加提炼，可以单独成段，也可以并入第二段。下面三篇各有特点：第一篇以从句的应用灵活、语言的哲理性取胜，第二篇的优势是语言平实而层次脉络清晰，第三篇经过我们的改动以后，呈现的是另外一副景象：用

6、词的丰富和笔法的老练。学生习作一：My birthday never means cakes capped with inviting icing or throwing a crazy party. Usually, a simple piece of cake is bought for my mother, not for me, for I want to thank her for bringing my life and soul to this world and honor the hardships she had been through during her pregna

7、ncy. I would also feel needed when part of my money is donated to charity on that day. My birthdayjust an ordinary dayspells two words: respect and give. Birthday should be extended to a deeper thinking of life. Days are gone when we were surrounded by those who loved us and were soaked in “happy bi

8、rthday to you.” Instead, it should be our turn to care about others with our respect and affection. No man can live in this society without being connected to others. All weve gained is largely due to others devotion and sacrifice. Our birthday has provided us with a platform to pay back what weve t

9、aken for granted and cherish what weve obtained. Show your gratitude and respect; give a helping hand to those who are desperate for help. All that makes our world a better place will make our birthday meaningful and prove our being mature. Thats what birthdays are all about!点评：该文章首先符合题目要求，而且逻辑性很强，中

10、心段紧紧扣住respect 和 give两个字眼；再者，文中不乏精妙表达，如：“throw a crazy party, honor the hardships, spell two words, be extended to, be soaked in, take for granted, be all about”；另外在从句应用上也十分出彩，如“pay back what weve taken for granted and cherish what weve obtained；give a helping hand to those who are desperate for help

11、；Thats what birthdays are all about!”；最值得一提的是该学生在字里行间所折射出的思想成熟之美和具有体悟生活的哲理之美。可见该作者在平日语言学习中不仅懂得积累，懂得灵活运用，而且还使自己的眼光更加深邃，洞察社会的能力更加敏锐，对待生活的态度更加自然，面对人生的道路更加自信。这是篇高分作文。学生习作二：Everyone has his or her own birthday, so every year there is a special day for us to celebrate. Yet, how to observe it is a matter o

12、f personal taste.Take myself as an example, when it comes to my birthday every year, my mum will reserve a big dinner in a restaurant. The whole family gather together, celebrating my birthday and wishing me a happy life and a successful future. Then we eat noodles which symbolize longevity. It seem

13、s like a happy day, but not necessarily a very meaningful one.In my opinion, as it is a special day in our life, which means a step towards our growth, we should spend it in a more meaningful way. First of all, as it was our mum who gave birth to us years ago, with days passing by, its time for us t

14、o show our love and gratitude. We can do some housework or just say “Thank you for your care and love.” Moreover, we should extend our concern to others who are in need of love and care. Also we can spend the day in the community helping old people or offering to take care of children. Last but not

15、least, the whole family can go on an excursion instead of having a big dinner. Its a wonderful time to expose ourselves to nature.In my view, it means much more to choose our own way to celebrate our birthday. .点评：尽管没有华丽的辞藻，没有复杂的句型，但行文流畅，层次清晰，是篇能效仿的好文章。这点提醒我们，只要懂得灵活应用，只要表达恰如其分，哪怕是基本词汇，通过非谓语动词和一些句型，亦

16、能妙笔生花。可惜的是结尾戛然而止，有些流于平淡。学生习作三：学生原文：Long gone are the days when birthdays were viewed as a holy ceremony to celebrate ones birth and extend gratitude to people who entitled us to the fortune of seeing this amazing world. Nowadays, birthday means merely togetherness with entertainment and fun.Birthday

17、s are usually not celebrated in my family. A small cake, a period of time when family members gather together, a few words of blessing can be what my birthday is all about.However, it is time to make a change. Im not holding bias on having fun on birthdays, but maybe we are capable of doing somethin

18、g more sensible. Above all, expressing gratitude to our parents is of significant importance, for they are the very persons to give us life. Furthermore, doing something special such as taking up some voluntary work, helping the lonely elderly in the neighborhood on my birthday may exhibit our value

19、 as individuals in society and serve as the driving force for our readiness to help others. These may help us cultivate a sense of devotion to the community in the long run.On my birthday this year, Im determined to go all out to do something valuable, showing the world that my birth into it is not

20、a mere coincidence but a wonderful existence.教师对学生文章批改的过程显示：Long gone are the days when birthdays were viewed as a holy ceremony to celebrate ones birth and extend gratitude to people who entitled us to the fortune of seeing this amazing world. Nowadays, birthdays means merely togetherness(从上下文的意思中可

21、以推测出，作者在此处是想要表示“聚会”get-together的意思) with entertainment and fun.Birthdays are usually not celebrated in my family solemnly. A small cake, a period of time when family members gather together, and a few words of blessing can be what my birthday is all about.However, it is time to make a change. Im not

22、 holding bias on(against) having fun on birthdays, but maybe we are capable of doing something more sensible(meaningful). Above all（此处应该使用For example）, expressing gratitude to our parents is of significant(应改为great) importance, for they are the very persons to give us life. Furthermore, doing someth

23、ing special(beneficial) such as taking up some voluntary work, and helping the lonely elderly in the neighborhood on my birthday may exhibit our value as individuals in society and serve as the driving force for our readiness to help others. These may help us cultivate a sense of devotion to the com

24、munity in the long run.On my birthday this year, Im determined to go all out to do something valuable(此句和上面的观点上有些重叠，没有在层次上进行提升。试看后面的表述：It was a massive effort to keep this going (不光和上面的us 呼应，而且是对前句的建议提出了建设性的意见。) From my birthday this year, I appeal to all the people with my own action that our birth

25、 into the world is not a mere coincidence but a wonderful existence(应改成not merely a life extension but really a human evolution). （改动前句的原因是逻辑上不够严密，因为“光临这个社会是一种巧合”的说法一般来是比较适合于生物学的，而不太适合社会学的，因此，我们用红字进行了必要的修改。至于后面的“精彩的存在”的说法虽然没有什么错误，但从逻辑上判断，过于宽泛，所以，改成了“人类的进化”即“人类发展”的层面，对前面内容进行升华。）最后的定稿：Long gone are th

26、e days when birthdays were viewed as a holy ceremony to celebrate ones birth and extend gratitude to people who entitled us to the fortune of seeing this amazing world. Nowadays, birthdays means merely get-together with entertainment and fun.Birthdays are usually not celebrated in my family solemnly. A small cake, a period of time when family members gather together, and a few words of blessing can be what my birthday is all about.However, it is time to make a change. Im not holding bias against having fun on birthdays, but maybe we are capable of doing something meaningful.