二十岁光阴不再来

20岁光阴不再来WhenIwasinmy20s,Isawmyveryfirstpsychotherapyclient.IwasaPh.D.studentinclinicalpsychologyatBerkeley.Shewasa26-year-oldwomannamedAlex.NowAlexwalkedintoherfirstsession.wearingjeansandabigslouchytop,andshedroppedontothecouchinmyofficeandkickedoffherflatsandtoldmeshewastheretotalkaboutguyproblems.NowwhenIheardthis,Iwassorelieved.Myclassmategotanarsonistforherfirstclient.AndIgotatwentysomethingwhowantedtotalkaboutboys.ThisIthoughtIcouldhandle.ButIdidn'thandleit.WiththefunnystoriesthatAlexwouldbringtosession,itwaseasyformejusttonodmyheadwhilewekickedthecandowntheroad."Thirty'sthenew20,"Alexwouldsay,andasfarasIcouldtell,shewasright.Workhappenedlater,marriagehappenedlater,kidshappenedlater,evendeathhappenedlater.TwentysomethingslikeAlexandIhadnothingbuttime.Butbeforelong,mysupervisorpushedmetopushAlexaboutherlovelife.Ipushedback.Isaid,"Sure,she'sdatingdown,she'ssleepingwithaknucklehead,butit'snotlikeshe'sgoingtomarrytheguy."Andthenmysupervisorsaid,"Notyet,butshemightmarrythenextone.Besides,thebesttimetoworkonAlex'smarriageisbeforeshehasone."That'swhatpsychologistscallan"Aha!"moment.notthenew20.Yes,peoplesettledownlaterthantheyusedto,mentaldowntime.ThatmadeAlex's20sadevelopmentalsweetspot,andweweresittingthereblowingit.ThatwaswhenIrealizedthatthissortofbenignneglectwasarealproblem,andithadrealconsequences,notjustforAlexandherlovelifebutforthecareersandthefamiliesandthefuturesoftwentysomethingseverywhere.Thereare50milliontwentysomethingsintheUnitedStatesrightnow.We'retalkingabout15percentofthepopulation,or100percentifyouconsiderthatnoone'sgettingthroughadulthoodwithoutgoingthroughtheir20sfirst.Raiseyourhandifyou'reinyour20s.Ireallywanttoseesometwentysomethingshere.Oh,yay!Y'all'sawesome.Ifyouworkwithtwentysomethings,youloveatwentysomething,Okay.Awesome,twentysomethingsreallymatter.SoIspecializeintwentysomethingsbecauseIbelievethateverysingleoneofthose50milliontwentysomethingsdeservestoknowwhatpsychologists,sociologists,neurologistsandfertilityspecialistsalreadyknow:thatclaimingyour20sisoneofthesimplest,yetmosttransformative,thingsyoucandoforwork,forlove,foryourhappiness,maybeevenfortheworld.Thisisnotmyopinion.Thesearethefacts.Weknowthat80percentoflife'smostdefiningmomentstakeplacebyage35.Thatmeansthateightoutof10ofthedecisionsandexperiencesand"Aha!"momentsthatmakeyourlifewhatitiswillhavehappenedbyyourmid-30s.Peoplewhoareover40,don'tpanic.Thiscrowdisgoingtobefine,Ithink.Weknowthatthefirst10yearsofacareerhasanexponentialimpactonhowmuchmoneyyou'regoingtoearn.WeknowthatmorethanhalfofAmericansaremarriedorarelivingwithordatingtheirfuturepartnerby30.Weknowthatthebraincapsoffitssecondandlastgrowthspurtinyour20sasitrewiresitselfforadulthood,whichmeansthatwhateveritisyouwanttochangeaboutyourself,nowisthetimetochangeit.Weknowthatpersonalitychangesmoreduringyour20sthanatanyothertimeinlife,andweknowthatfemalefertilitypeaksatage28,andthingsgettrickyafterage35.Soyour20sarethetimetoeducateyourselfaboutyourbodyandyouroptions.Sowhenwethinkaboutchilddevelopment,weallknowthatthefirstfiveyearsareacriticalperiodforlanguageandattachmentinthebrain.It'satimewhenyourordinary,day-to-daylifehasaninordinateimpactonwhoyouwillbecome.Butwhatwehearlessaboutisthatthere'ssuchathingasadultdevelopment,andour20sarethatcriticalperiodofadultdevelopment.Butthisisn'twhattwentysomethingsarehearing.Newspaperstalkaboutthechangingtimetableofadulthood.Researcherscallthe20sanextendedadolescence.Journalistscoinsillynicknamesfortwentysomethingslike"twixters"and"kidults."It'strue.Asaculture,wehavetrivializedwhatisactuallythedefiningdecadeofadulthood.LeonardBernsteinsaidthattoachievegreatthings,youneedaplanandnotquiteenoughtime.Isn'tthattrue?Sowhatdoyouthinkhappenswhenyoupatatwentysomethingontheheadandyousay,"Youhave10extrayearstostartyourlife"?Nothinghappens.Youhaverobbedthatpersonofhisurgencyandambition,andabsolutelynothinghappens.Andtheneveryday,smart,interestingtwentysomethingslikeyouorlikeyoursonsanddaughterscomeintomyofficeandsaythingslikethis:"Iknowmyboyfriend'snogoodforme,butthisrelationshipdoesn'tcount.I'mjustkillingtime."Ortheysay,"EverybodysaysaslongasIgetstartedonacareerbythetimeI'm30,I'llbefine."Butthenitstartstosoundlikethis:"My20sarealmostover,andIhavenothingtoshowformyself.IhadabetterresumethedayafterIgraduatedfromcollege."Andthenitstartstosoundlikethis:"Datinginmy20swaslikemusicalchairs.Everybodywasrunningaroundandhavingfun,butthensometimearound30itwaslikethemusicturnedoffandeverybodystartedsittingdown.Ididn'twanttobetheonlyoneleftstandingup,sosometimesIthinkImarriedmyhusbandbecausehewastheclosestchairtomeat30."Wherearethetwentysomethingshere?Donotdothat.Okay,nowthatsoundsalittleflip,butmakenomistake,thestakesareveryhigh.Whenalothasbeenpushedtoyour30s,thereisenormousthirtysomethingpressuretojump-startacareer,pickacity,partnerup,andhavetwoorthreekidsinamuchshorterperiodoftime.Manyofthesethingsareincompatible,andasresearchisjuststartingtoshow,simplyharderandmorestressfultodoallatonceinour30s.Thepost-millennialmidlifecrisisisn'tbuyingaredsportscar.It'srealizingyoucan'thavethatcareeryounowwant.It'srealizingyoucan'thavethatchildyounowwant,oryoucan'tgiveyourchildasibling.Toomanythirtysomethingsandfortysomethingslookatthemselves,andatme,sittingacrosstheroom,andsayabouttheir20s,"WhatwasIdoing?WhatwasIthinking?"Iwanttochangewhattwentysomethingsaredoingandthinking.Here'sastoryabouthowthatcango.It'sastoryaboutawomannamedEmma.At25,Emmacametomyofficebecauseshewas,inherwords,havinganidentitycrisis.Shesaidshethoughtshemightliketoworkinartorentertainment,butshehadn'tdecidedyet,soshe'dspentthelastfewyearswaitingtablesinstead.Becauseitwascheaper,shelivedwithaboyfriendwhodisplayedhistempermorethanhisambition.Andashardasher20swere,herearlylifehadbeenevenharder.Sheoftencriedinoursessions,butthenwouldcollectherselfbysaying,"Youcan'tpickyourfamily,butyoucanpickyourfriends."Welloneday,Emmacomesinandshehangsherheadinherlap,andshesobbedformostofthehour.She'djustboughtanewaddressbook,andshe'dspentthemorningfillinginhermanycontacts,butthenshe'dbeenleftstaringatthatemptyblankthatcomesafterthewords"Incaseofemergency,pleasecall"Shewasnearlyhystericalwhenshelookedatmeandsaid,"Who'sgoingtobethereformeifIgetinacarwreck?Who'sgoingtotakecareofmeifIhavecancer?"Nowinthatmoment,ittookeverythingIhadnottosay,"Iwill."ButwhatEmmaneededwasn'tsometherapistwhoreally,reallycared.Emmaneededabetterlife,andIknewthiswasherchance.IhadlearnedtoomuchsinceIfirstworkedwithAlextojustsittherewhileEmma'sdefiningdecadewentparadingby.Sooverthenextweeksandmonths,ItoldEmmathreethingsthateverytwentysomething,maleorfemale,deservestohear.First,ItoldEmmatoforgetabouthavinganidentitycrisisandgetsomeidentitycapital.Bygetidentitycapital,Imeandosomethingthataddsvaluetowhoyouare.Dosomethingthat'saninvestmentinwhoyoumightwanttobenext.Ididn'tknowthefutureofEmma'scareer,andnooneknowsthefutureofwork,butIdoknowthis:Identitycapitalbegetsidentitycapital.Sonowisthetimeforthatcross-countryjob,thatinternship,thatstartupyouwanttotry.I'mnotdiscountingtwentysomethingexplorationhere,butIamdiscountingexplorationthat'snotsupposedtocount,which,bytheway,isnotexploration.That'sprocrastination.ItoldEmmatoexploreworkandmakeitcount.Second,ItoldEmmathattheurbantribeisoverrated.Bestfriendsaregreatforgivingridestotheairport,buttwentysomethingswhohuddletogetherwithlike-mindedpeerslimitwhotheyknow,whattheyknow,howtheythink,howtheyspeak,andwheretheywork.Thatnewpieceofcapital,thatnewpersontodatealmostalwayscomesfromoutsidetheinnercircle.Newthingscomefromwhatarecalledourweakties,ourfriendsoffriendsoffriends.Soyes,halfoftwentysomethingsareun-orunder-employed.Buthalfaren't,andweaktiesarehowyougetyourselfintothatgroup.Halfofnewjobsareneverposted,soreachingouttoyourneighbor'sbossishowyougetthatun-postedjob.It'snotcheating.It'sthescienceofhowinformationspreads.Lastbutnotleast,Emmabelievedthatyoucan'tpickyourfamily,butyoucanpickyourfriends.Nowthiswastrueforhergrowingup,butasatwentysomething,soonEmmawouldpickherfamilywhenshepartneredwithsomeoneandcreatedafamilyofherown.ItoldEmmathetimetostartpickingyourfamilyisnow.Nowyoumaybethinkingthat30isactuallyabettertimetosettledownthan20,oreven25,andIagreewithyou.Butgrabbingwhoeveryou'relivingwithorsleepingwithwheneveryoneonFacebookstartswalkingdowntheaisleisnotprogress.Thebesttimetoworkonyourmarriageisbeforeyouhaveone,andthatmeansbeingasintentionalwithloveasyouarewithwork.Pickingyourfamilyisaboutconsciouslychoosingwhoandwhatyouwantratherthanjustmakingitworkorkillingtimewithwhoeverhappenstobechoosingyou.SowhathappenedtoEmma?Well,wewentthroughthataddressbook,andshefoundanoldroommate'scousinwhoworkedatanartmuseuminanotherstate.Thatweaktiehelpedhergetajobthere.Thatjoboffergaveherthereasontoleavethatlive