英语笑话 有翻译.doc

英语笑话- A man goes to church and starts talking to God. He says: God, what is a million dollars to you? and God says: A penny, then the man says: God, what is a million years to you? and God says: a second, then the man says: God, can I have a penny? and God says In a second ，一男子进入教堂和上帝对话.他问:主啊, 一百万美元对你意味着多少?上帝回答:一便士.男子又问:那一百万年呢?上帝说:一秒钟.最后男子请求道:上帝,我能得到一便士吗?上帝回答:过一秒钟.，Four best friends met at the hospital since their wives were giving births to their babies. The nurse comes up to the first man and says, Congratulations, you got twins. The man said How strange, Im the manager of Minnesota Twins. After awhile the nurse comes up to the second man and says, Congratulations, you got triplets. Man was like Hmmm, strange I worked as a director for the 3 musketeers. Finally, the nurse comes up to the third man and says Congratulations, you got twins x2. Man is happy and says, Ironic, I work for the hotel 4 Seasons. All three of them are happy until they see their last buddy jumping all over the place, cursing God and banging his head on the wall. They asked him whats wrong and he answered, Whats wrong? I work for 7up!，四个好朋友在医院里碰面了,他们的妻子正在生产.护士过来对第一个男人说:恭喜,你得了双胞胎.男人说:多奇怪呀,我是明尼苏达双子队的经理.过了一会儿,护士过来对第二个男人说:恭喜,你得了三胞胎.男人很喜欢:嗯,又巧了.我是3M公司的董事.最后,护士跑来对第三个男人说:恭喜,你得了2对双胞胎.男人很开心地说:真令人啼笑皆非,我为四季宾馆工作.他们三个都很高兴,但第四个伙伴急得像热锅上的蚂蚁,咒骂上帝并用头撞墙.他们问他有什么不对劲,他回答道:什么不对劲?我可是在七喜公司工作呀!-呵呵,一个比一个效率高.，Osama Bin Laden, a Canadian, and President Bush were walking down the street when they saw a golden lamp. They rubbed it and a genie came out and said, I will grant each one a wish thats 3 together. The Canadian said, I am a father and my son will be a farmer so I want the soil in Canada to be forever fertile. The genie said the magic words and the wish came true. Osama looked amazed so he wished for a wall around Afghanistan the genie said the magic words and again the wish came true. President Bush said Genie, tell me more about this wall, the genie said,” Its 50 feet thick and 500 feet tall so nothing can get in and nothing can get out. President Bush said,” Wow! Thats a big bridge.Fill it with water! 拉登,一加拿大人还有布什总统走在大街上看到一盏金色的灯.他们擦了擦灯出现了一个精灵.精灵说:我要满足你们每人一个愿望总共三个.加拿大人说:我是个父亲我儿子将成为农夫,因此我想让加拿大的土地永远肥沃.精灵说了咒语愿望实现了.拉登看了很惊奇,他希望有座城墙围绕阿富汗.精灵又说了咒语愿望又实现了.布什总统问:精灵请告诉我关于这座墙的事情.精灵回答:墙厚50英尺,高500英尺,因而里面的任何东西出不来外面的任何东西进不去.布什总统说:哇!那是座大桥耶.注满水!，My Baby Swallowed a Bullet，Young Mother: Doctor, my baby swallowd a bullet. What shall I do ?，Doctor: Dont point him at anybody.，Notes-1. to swallow a bullet: 吞下一颗子弹-2. to point at: 对.瞄准，个中意味自己体会吧 :)，allybaby-Once two hunters went hunting in the forest. One of them suddenly fell down by accident. He showed the whites of his eyes and seemed to have ceased breathing. The other hunter soon took out his mobile phone to call the emergency center for help. The operator said calmly:First, you should make sure that he is already dead. Then the operator heard a gunshot from the other end of the phone and next he heard the hunter asking:What should I do next? ，-两个猎人进森林里打猎，其中一个猎人不慎跌倒，两眼翻白，似已停止呼吸。另一个猎人赶紧拿出手机拨通紧急求助电话。接线员沉着地说：“第一步，要先确定你的朋友已经死亡。”于是，接线员在电话里听到一声枪响，然后听到那猎人接着问：“第二步怎办？” ，-fool_fox ，标题：Im the boss-内容：The boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasnt getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local card and novelty shop and bought a small sign that read, Im the Boss. He then taped it to his office door.Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said. Your wife called, she wants her sign back! -note:staff meeting:员工会议，再来一个：Wifes picture-A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks.-After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then he orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that one, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini.-The bartender says, Look, buddy, Ill bring you martinis all night long. But you go to tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill.-The customer replies, Im peeking at a photo of my wife.When she starts to look good, then I know its time to go home. -note:tavern 酒馆, 客栈-martini 马提尼酒-peek/pi;k/ n.一瞥, 匆忙看过v.偷看，Are you going to treat me? An American actress came to China for the first time. One day when she was looking for her new Chinese friend after a performance, she came across an anxious Chinese who had always wanted to practice his English with native speakers, but had never found the chance. When he saw the actress, he went up and exchanged greetings, then started his practice. “How old are you?” “Im sorry. Please dont ask a lady about her age,” the actress said uneasily. “How much do you earn each month?” the Chinese tried hard to recall this sentence from his textbook. “Sorry again. We dont feel like telling others about that either, “ she again refused to answer. “Have you had lunch?” the Chinese tried again to show his traditional way of greeting. “No, are you planning to treat me to a meal? she asked in surprise.你要请客吗？有位美国女演员首次来中国演出，有一天演出结束后在找她的中国朋友时，碰见一位总想与老外练讲英语的中国人，可惜他一直没有这样的机会。当看到这位女演员时，他走上前去互相问候，接着便练起英语来。 “你多大啦？” “对不起，请不要问女士的年龄，”演员感到很不自在。 “你每月挣多少钱？”中国人极力回忆着教科书上的句子。 “对不起，我们也不愿意把这事告诉给人家。”她再次拒绝了对方。 “你吃过饭了吗？” 中国人再次用本民族的传方式询问对方。 “没有，你要请我吃饭吗？”她惊喜地问。Give up your seat to a lady Little Johnny says Mom, when I was on the bus with Daddy this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady. Youve done the right thing, says Mommy.But Mommy, I was sitting on daddys lap.给女士让座小强尼说：“妈妈，今天早上和爸爸在公车上时，他叫我让座给一位女士。” 妈妈说：“你做得很对呀。”“但是，妈妈，我是坐在爸爸膝盖上的。”1. I Have His Ear in My PocketIvan came home with a bloody nose and his mother asked, What happened?A kid bit me, replied Ivan.Would you recognize him if you saw him again? asked his mother.Id know him any where, said Ivan. I have his ear in my pocket.他的耳朵在我衣兜里伊凡鼻子流着血回到家里。他妈妈问，“发生了什么事？”“一个男孩咬了我一口，”伊凡说。“再见到他你能认出来吗？”妈妈问。“他走到哪里我都能认出他，”伊凡说。“他的耳朵还在我衣兜里呢。”2. A Good BoyLittle Robert asked his mother for two cents. What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?I gave it to a poor old woman, he answered.Youre a good boy, said the mother proudly. Here are two cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman?She is the one who sells the candy.好孩子小罗伯特向妈妈要两分钱。“昨天给你的钱干什么了？”“我给了一个可怜的老太婆，”他回答说。 “你真是个好孩子，”妈妈骄傲地说。“再给你两分钱。可你为什么对那位老太太那么感兴趣呢？”“她是个卖糖果的。”3. DrunkOne day, a father and his little son were going home. At this age, the boy was interested in all kinds of things and was always asking questions. Now, heasked, Whats the meaning of the word Drunk, dad? Well, my son, his father replied, look, there are standing two policemen. If I regard the twopolicemen as four then I am drunk.But, dad, the boy said, theres only ONE policeman!醉酒一天，父亲与小儿子一道回家。这个孩子正处于那种对什么事都很感兴趣的年龄，老是有提不完的问题。他向父亲发问道：“爸爸，醉字是什么意思？” “唔，孩子，”父亲回答说，“你瞧那儿站着两个警察。如果我把他们看成了四个，那么我就算醉了。” “可是，爸爸， ”孩子说，“那儿只有一个警察呀！”4. HospitalityThe hostess apologized to her unexpected guest for serving an apple-pie without any cheese. The little boy of the family left the room quietly for a momentand returned with a piece of cheese which he laid on the guests plate. The visitor smiled, put the cheese into his mouth and then said: You must havebetter eyes than your mother, sonny. Where did you find the cheese? In the rat-trap, sir, replied the boy.好客由于客人在吃苹果馅饼时，家里没有奶酪了，于是女主人向大家表示歉意。这家的小男孩悄悄地离开了屋子。过了一会儿，他拿着一片奶酪回到房间，把奶酪放在客人的盘子里。客人微笑着把奶酪放进嘴里说：“孩子，你的眼睛就是比你妈妈的好。你在哪里找到的奶酪？” “在捕鼠夹上，先生。”那小男孩说。5. Adidas 上个星期五我穿了一件 Adidas 的衣服去打球, 一个老美看到就笑我说, Do you know what does it mean? It means All Day I Dream About Sex.我整天都在想著性, 缩写正好是 Adidas) 我正惊讶他怎么反应这么快, 联想力这么丰富时,旁边的一个老美帮我解围, 他说, 有一个很著名的合唱团 Korn, 他们的招牌歌之一就是A.D.I.D.A.S, (All day I dream about sex)所以呢,这个典故可是很多老美都耳熟能详的喔! 下次就换你去取笑老美了.6. 上帝曾经答应我Once god came up to me & granted me a wish. I asked for world peace. Thats impossible, he said. 有一次上帝来到我面前答应了我一个愿望。我说我要世界和平。“那是不可能的”他说。Then I asked him to give you brains. He said, Let me try world peace.然后我请让你变聪明。他说：“你还是让我试试让世界和平吧。” 7.Tom: William has asked me for a loan of five pounds. Should I be doing right in lending it to him?Jack: Certainly.Tom: And why?Jack: Because otherwise he would try to borrow it from me.汤姆：威廉向我借五英镑。我该不该借给他？杰克：当然应该了。汤姆：为什么？杰克：否则他就该跟我借了8.I was accompanying my husband on a business trip. He carried his portable computer with him, and the guard at the airport gate asked him to open the case. It was locked, and the man waited patiently as my embarrassed spouse struggled to remember the combination . At last he succeeded. Why are you so nervous? I asked him. The numbers are the date of our anniversary. my usband confessed.我陪丈夫一起出差，他带着他的手提式计算机。机场出口处检查员要他打开包。他耐心的等着我那窘迫的丈夫设法回想起暗锁的密码。最后他终于想起来了。“你为什么那么紧张呢？”我问他。“这密码是我们结婚纪念日。”他承认道9.Mother: Why are you jumping up and down?Tom: Ive just taken some medicine and I forgot to shake the bottle.妈妈：你为什么不停地跳上跳下的？汤姆：我刚吃完药，可我忘了先摇动瓶子了10.One evening I drove my husbands car to the shopping mall.On my return, I noticed that how dusty the outside of his car was and cleaned it up a bit.When I finally entered the house, I called out.The woman who lovesyou the most in the world just cleaned your headlights and windshield.My husband looked up and said, Moms here?一天晚上我开着丈夫的车去购物，回来后发现车身沾满灰尘，于是擦洗了一阵。当我终于走进屋里时大声喊：“世界上最爱你的女人刚擦洗了你的车灯和挡风玻璃。”我丈夫抬头看了看，说：“妈妈来了？”11.Mary was so disgusted at her husbands cigarette smoking that she complained to him one day.I hope that all the cigarette factories will catch fire someday.Dont worry, dear.