英语演讲稿笑 话(精选多篇)

-精选财经经济类资料- -最新财经经济资料-感谢阅读- 1 英语演讲稿笑话( 精选多篇) two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. he doesnt seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. the other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. he gasps, “my friend is dead! what can i do?”. the operator says “calm down. i can help. first, lets make sure hes dead.” there is a silence, then a shot is heard. back on the phone, the guy says “ok, now what?” 简单翻译: 两个猎人在森林里打猎,突然甲倒 下了.并且看上去不再呼吸了,眼睛也变 得呆滞. 乙赶紧拿起电话打给救护中心,上 -精选财经经济类资料- -最新财经经济资料-感谢阅读- 2 气不接下气的说:”我的朋友死了,怎么办? .” 服务人员说:”淡定,我有办法.首先,我 们嘚确保他是死了.” 安静了一会儿,电 话里响起了一阵枪声,电话那头乙说道:” 好了,那接下来怎么办.” 下面是被评选世界第二搞笑的笑 话： sherlock holmes and dr watson were going camping. they pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. sometime in the middle of the night holmes woke watson up and said: “watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see.” watson replied: “i see millions and millions of stars.” holmes said: “and what do you deduce from that?” watson replied: “well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those -精选财经经济类资料- -最新财经经济资料-感谢阅读- 3 have planets, its quite likely there are some planets like earth out there. and if there are a few planets like earth out there, there might also be life.” and holmes said: “watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent.” 简单翻译:甲乙一起去野营.他俩 在星光下搭好帐篷然后睡去. 半夜的某 时,甲叫醒乙:”抬头看看那些星星,然后告 诉我你发现了什么?”乙:”我看见好多好 多的星星.” 甲:”如此你能推断出什么结论?” 乙回答道:”嗯.假如天上有无数 的恒星,而且其中一些有自己的行星,那 么很有可能就会有像地球一样的星球存 在.假如有像地球一样的星球存在,那里 还可能存在生物.” 甲无语:”你个 sb.这说明有人偷了 我们的帐篷.” 英语笑话 -精选财经经济类资料- -最新财经经济资料-感谢阅读- 4 笑话一：a woman gets on a bus with her baby. the bus driver says: “thats the ugliest baby that ive ever seen. ugh!” the woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. she says to a man next to her: “the driver just insulted me!” the man says: “you go right up there and tell him off go ahead, ill hold your monkey for you.” 笑话二：sherlock holmes and dr watson were going camping. they pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. sometime in the middle of the night holmes woke watson up and said: “watson, look up at the sky, and tell me what you see.” watson replied: “i see millions and millions of stars.” holmes said: “and what do you deduce from that?” watson replied: “well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, its quite likely there are some planets like -精选财经经济类资料- -最新财经经济资料-感谢阅读- 5 earth out there. and if there are a few planets like earth out there, there might also be life.” and holmes said: “watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent.” 1.a boy swore to a girl: honey, do please marry me, otherwise ill die the girl refused. sixty years later, the boy died. 一男生向一女生发誓：亲爱的， 请你一定要嫁给我，不然我会死掉的 女孩拒绝了。六十年后，那个男 生死掉了。 2.teacher: johnny, why are you late for school every morning? johnny: every time i come to the corner, a guidepost says, school - go slow 老师：约翰，为什么你每天早上 都迟到呢？ 约翰：每次我走到街角的时候， 都有一块路牌写着：“ 学校 -小心慢行” 3.teacher: tom, why are you so late -精选财经经济类资料- -最新财经经济资料-感谢阅读- 6 for school tdoay? and where is your homework book? tom: sorry, miss. i met a robber on my way to school this morning. teachse: oh, my gosh! so terrible! did he robber anything from you? tom: he.he robbed my homework book 老师：汤姆，你今天为什么迟到 这么久？还有你的家庭作业本呢？ 汤姆：对不起，老师，我今天在 上学的路上遇上了一个抢劫犯 老师：噢，天哪！太糟糕了！他 抢了你什么东西没有？ 汤姆：他他抢走了我的家庭 作业本 4.a male crab met a female crab and asked her to marry him. she noticed that he was walking straight instead of sideways. wow, she thought, this crab is really special. i cant let him get away. so they got married immediately. the next day she noticed her new -精选财经经济类资料- -最新财经经济资料-感谢阅读- 7 husband waking sideways like all the other crabs, and got upset. “what happened?” she asked.” you used to walk straight before we were married.” ”oh, honey, “ he replied, “i cant drink that much every day. 一只雄蟹遇到一只雌蟹，便要娶 她为妻。她注意到他走路是直着走，而 不是横着走。哇！她想，这只雄蟹可真 特别，我可不能让他跑了。因此他们立 刻结婚了。 第二天，她又发现她的新郎像其 他蟹一样横着走路了。她深感不安。 “你 怎么了？”她问， “我们结婚前你可是直 着走路的。 ” “哦，宝贝， ”他回答说， “我不可 能每天都喝那么多 many years after receiving my graduate degree, i returned to the state university of new york at binghamton as a faculty member. one day in a crowded elevator, someone remarked on its inefficiency. i said the elevators had -精选财经经济类资料- -最新财经经济资料-感谢阅读- 8 not changed in the 20 years since i began there as a student. when the door finally opened, i felt a compassionate pat on my back, and turned to see an elderly nun smiling at me. “youll get that degree, dear,” she whispered. “perseverance is a virtue.”美 德 获取研究生学位多年以后，我回 到位于宾翰顿的纽约州立大学当教员。 一天，电梯里很拥挤，有人抱怨电梯效 率太低。我说自我在那里当学生起，20 年来电梯一直没有换过。 最后当电梯门打开时，我感到有 人在我的背上同情地拍了一下，回过头 来我看到一位年长的修女正在朝我微笑。 “你会拿到学位的，亲爱的， ”她低声说 道：“坚持不懈是一种美德。 ” 1.和买驴的人 a man wanted to buy an ass. he went to the market, and saw a likely one. but he wanted totest him first. so he took -精选财经经济类资料- -最新财经经济资料-感谢阅读- 9 the ass home, and put him into the stable with the other asses. the new ass looked around, and immediately went to choose a place next to the laziest ass inthe stable. when the man saw this he put a halter on the ass at once, and gave him back to his owner. the owner felt quite surprised. he asked the man, “why are you back so soon? haveyou tested him already?” “i dont want to test him any more,” replied the man, “from thecompanion he chose for himself, i could see what sort of animal he is.” 中文：一个买主到市场上去买驴， 他看中一头外表不错的驴，但是他想要 牵走试一试。他把驴牵回家，放 在自己其他的驴之间，这驴四处 看看，立即走向一头好吃懒做的驴旁边。 于是，买驴的人立刻给那头驴套 上辔头，牵去还给驴的卖主。卖 主感到很奇怪，他问买主：“你怎么这 -精选财经经济类资料- -最新财经经济资料-感谢阅读- 10 么快就回来了？” 买主说： “不必 再试了，从他所选择什么样的朋 友来看，我已经知道他是什么样了。 ” 2.the looney bin 疯人院 late one night at the insane asylum !” they each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road. if only men would listen. 一个男人在一条陡峭狭窄的山路 上驾车，一个女人相向驾车而来。他们 相遇时，那个女的从窗中伸出头来叫到： “猪！”那个男的立即从窗中伸出头来 回敬道：“女巫！ ”他们继续前行。这 个男的在下一个路口转弯时，撞上了路 中间的一头猪。要是这个男的能听懂那 个女人的意思就好了。 4、blind date 相亲 after being with her all evening, the man couldnt take another minute with his -精选财经经济类资料- -最新财经经济资料-感谢阅读- 11 blind date. earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave.when he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, “i have some bad news. my grandfather just died.”“thank heavens,” his date replied. “if yours hadnt, mine would have had to!” 和相亲对象呆了一晚上后，男人 再也受不了了。他事先安排了个朋友给 他打电话，这样他就能借故先离开了。 当他回到桌边，他垂下眼睛，装出一副 阴沉的表情，说：“ 有个不幸的消息， 我的祖父刚刚去世了。 ”“谢天谢地！”他 的约会对象说， “如果你的祖父不死，我 的祖父就得死了！” 5、 the mean mans party 吝啬鬼的聚会 the notorious cheap skate finally decided to have a party. explaining to a friend how to find his apartment, he said, “come up to the fifth floor and ring the -精选财经经济类资料- -最新财经经济资料-感谢阅读- 12 doorbell with your elbow. when the door open, push with your foot.” ”why use my elbow and foot?” ”well, gosh,” was the reply, “youre not coming empty-handed, are you?” 一个声名狼藉的小气鬼终于决定 要请一次客了。他在向一个朋友解释怎 么找到他家时说：“ 你上到五楼，用你 的胳膊肘按门铃。门开了后，再用你的 脚把门推开。 ” “为什么我要用我的肘和脚呢？” “天哪！ ” 吝啬鬼回答， “你总不 会空着手来吧？” 一、 我们什么也没留下 we left nothing mrs brown was going out for the day. she locked the house and tacked a note for the milkman on the door: “nobody home. don?t leave anything.” when she got back that night, she found her door broken open and her house ransacked. on the note she had left, she found the following -精选财经经济类资料- -最新财经经济资料-感谢阅读- 13 message added:”thanks! we haven?t left anything!” 我们什么也没留下 布朗太太要外出一天。 她锁好 了房门，在门上给送牛奶的人钉了一张 便条：“家里没人，请不要留下任何东 西！” 她当天晚上回家后发现房间门被 撞开，房子被洗劫一空。在她留给送奶 人的便条上，她发现被补充了一句： “谢谢！我们什么也没留下！” 我去应聘时，考官是一漂亮小姐， 一紧张我说了如下内容： 二、 “my name is ?old five wang?” “i boom at 1971year！”born 我 念成了 boom，反正很像。 “my toyear is 28year” 事后才知 today 是今天，但 今年不是 toyear。 “my home have a papa and a mama and a didi”其实我知 道弟弟要用 brother，但因念太顺了，所 以念成 didi。 “and a uncle and a young watch -精选财经经济类资料- -最新财经经济资料-感谢阅读- 14 sister and a old watch sister live with us”事后才知表姐表妹都错了，watch 是表没错，但是 watch 是指手表。可是 我发誓读书时英文没教过表姐妹的英文。 “my interest is sing song、see movie、xxxx do computer and push horse road”我念到操作电脑时，她有咦的一 声，这小姐会不会听不懂。后来我才知 道英文骂人的“ 操” 字跟“操作”的字是不 同的。 “my special long is up internet、sales、play power move game and beat word” “in the future i hope can go round travel world and help everybody all very happy” “thank you and over！” 那小姐整整愣了一分钟。 三、 next time that you think you?re -精选财经经济类资料- -最新财经经济资料-感谢阅读- 15 having a bad day the average cost of rehabilitate one seal after the valdez oil spill in alaska was $80,000. at a special ceremony, two of the most expensively-saved animals were released into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. a minute later, a killer whale ate them both. 阿拉斯加瓦尔迪兹发生石油泄漏 以后，救援每只海豹的平均费用达到 8 万美元。在一个特别的仪式上面，有两 只花巨款拯救回来的海豹，在人们的欢 呼和掌声中被放回大自然。一分钟后， 它们双双被一头杀人鲸吞入肚中。 四、 blind date have had to!” 和相亲对象呆了一晚上后,男人再 也受不了了. 他事先安排了个朋友给他打电话, 这样他就能借故先离开了. 当他回到桌边,他垂下眼睛,装出 一副阴沉的表情,说：“ 有个不幸的消息 , -精选财经经济类资料- -最新财经经济资料-感谢阅读- 16 我的祖父刚刚去世了.” “谢天谢地！ ”他的约会对象说 , “如果你的祖父不死 ,我的祖父就得死了！ ” . 五、 小男孩与驴子 a small boy and a donkey a small boy leading a donkey passed by an army camp. a couple of soldiers wanted to have some fun with the lad. what are you holding onto your brother so tight for, sonny? asked one of them. so he wont join the army,英语笑话 带翻译 the youngster replied without blinking an eye. 一个小男孩牵着头驴子 穿过部队营房. 两名士兵想跟小家伙开个玩笑： 小孩,你把你哥哥牵得这么紧干什么？ 这样,他就不会去参军了.小家伙 眼都不眨地回答道. -精选财经经济类资料- -最新财经经济资料-感谢阅读- 17 a good boy little robert asked his mother for two cents. ”what gave you yesterday?” did you do with the money i “i gave it to a poor old woman,” he answered. ”you re a good boy,” said the mother proudly. ”here are are two woman?” you so interested cents more. in but the why old “she is the one who sells the candy.”好孩子 小罗伯特向妈妈要两分钱。 ” 昨天给你的钱干什么了？”我给了一个 可怜的老太婆， “ 你真是个好孩子， “妈妈骄傲地说。 “他回答说。 “再给 你两分钱。可你为什 么对那位老太太那么感兴趣呢？” “她是个卖糖果的。 ” if i am a manager one assigned day in class, the -精选财经经济类资料- -最新财经经济资料-感谢阅读- 18 teacher composition his all the students began to write except if i am a managerstudents to write . a a boy. the teacher went to him and asked the reason. “i am waiting for my secretary,” was the boys answer 如果我是一个经 理. 一天课上，老师要同学们以“如 果我是一个经理” 为题写一篇作文。 所 有的学生都在动笔写了，只有一个男生 例外。老师走过去问他为什么不写。 “我在等我的秘书 ”。那孩子答道。 big hands teacher: one otherhand if and i had eight seven oranges oranges in the in student: big hands. , what would i have? 大手 老师：如果我左手上有 7 个桔子， 右手上有 8 个桔子。那么我有什么？ 学生：大手。 -精选财经经济类资料- -最新财经经济资料-感谢阅读- 19 its not my fault mother daughter): you mustnt pull the cats (reprimanding her small tail. daughter: im the cats doing the pulling. only holding it, mom. 不是我的错 妈妈：你不该拽猫的尾巴。 女 儿：妈，我只是握着猫尾巴，它自己在 拽。 to buy a video amos asked his mother whether they could have a video. im afraid we cant afford one, sighed his motherbut on the following day in came . amos, staggering beneath the weight of a brand-new video. how on earth did you pay for that? gasped his mothereasy, mum. replied amos, i sold the . -精选财经经济类资料- -最新财经经济资料-感谢阅读- 20 television! 买录像机 艾莫斯问妈妈他们是否能买一台 录像机。 恐怕我们还买不起，妈妈叹 息着说。 可第二天当艾莫斯回来时， 他摇摇晃晃地搬着一台全新的录像机。 你究竟是哪儿来的钱买这东西？ 妈妈大吃一惊，喘着气说。 妈妈，这简单， 艾曼斯回答。 我把电视机给卖了！ two pieces of cake tom: mom, can i have two pieces of cake, please? mom: certainly - take this piec