读后续写攒钱圆梦家人逐句修改作文瞬间飙讲义-高三英语上学期二轮复习专项

读后续写攒钱圆梦家人逐句修改作文瞬间飙(辽宁省名校联盟东北三省三校2024年高三9月联考作文)在写作中，像“家庭贫困、孩子想给妈妈买生日礼物、攒钱实现愿望”这样的主题经常被考查。这类题材通过亲情的描写，能够深入打动读者，展现孩子为了亲人梦想不懈努力的感人过程。而在续写中，攒钱实现父母梦想的故事同样贴近这个主题。通过孩子默默积攒零花钱，最终帮助父母实现一个长期未能完成的愿望。原题在线辽宁省名校联盟东北三省三校2024年高三9月份联合考试英语【攒钱坐游轮】阅读下面材料，根据其内容和所给段落开头语续写两段，使之构成一篇完整的短文。Myfatherwassixtyfive.Thoughhehadplannedonretiringatsixty,hewasstillworkinghard.Forhim,raisingfourchildren—especiallynowthatmymotherhadstoppedworkingandwasathomefulltime—meanthecouldn’taffordtoretire.Italsomeanthefailedtoachieveanythinghepromisedmymom.“Sweetheart,”he’dsay,“I’mgoingtotakeyouonacruise(乘船游览).”Hestilltoldherthat,andonlythesedaysheadded,“assoonasthekidsareoutofcollege.”Iknewthatputtingallofuskidsthroughcollegeprobablymeantitwasgoingtobeawhilebeforemyfatherachievedhisdreamofgoingawaywithmymotheronacruise—thoughitdidn’tstophimfromcuttingoutadsaboutcruisevacations!Itwascute,butitwaskindofsad,too.IremembermygrandmotheralwayswantedtogotoNovaScotia.Mygrandfatherwouldalwayssay,“We’llgonextyear,sweetheart.”Thenshedied.MygrandmothernevergottoseeNovaScotia.Ijustdidn’twantmyparentstowaituntilitwastoolate.Idecidedtosaveupmymoneytosendmyparentsonacruiseevenifitwasashortthreedaycruise.Myfriendssaidtome,“Getreal!Savingupforacruiseissomethingyouwillneverbeabletodo.”ButIdidn’tbelievethat.ItwasnotlikeIcouldsendthemaroundtheworldoranything,butIdidn’tthinkmyputtingtogetherthemoneyforashorttripwasanimpossiblegoal.Iwasdeterminedthatjustasmyparentshadmademydreamsetrueforalltheseyearsfrommyfirstbicycletomyfirstsoccercamp—IwasgoingtodoallIcouldtomaketheirdreamofgoingonacruiseetrue.注意：1.续写词数应为150左右；2.请按如下格式在答题卡的相应位置作答。Istarteddoingoddjobs(零工)andyardworkaroundtheneighborhood._______________________________________________________________________________________________________________Oneyearlater,Ifinallysavedupenoughmoney!________________________________________________________________________________________________________________情节概要打工攒钱本文讲述了作者的父亲虽然计划在60岁退休，但由于要抚养四个孩子以及母亲不再工作，他不得不继续工作，无法实现带母亲去乘船游览的承诺。作者不希望父母像祖父母那样错失梦想，于是决定自己攒钱给父母实现这个愿望。尽管朋友们质疑作者的计划，但作者坚持努力，希望以此回报父母多年来为自己实现梦想所付出的辛劳。写作升级1一档习作Istarteddoingoddjobsandyardworkaroundtheneighborhood.Onweekends,Imowedlawns,walkeddogs,andbabysatforneighbors.EverytimeIfelttired,Ithoughtofmydad’stiredeyesandhisgentlesmileashetalkedaboutthatcruise.MyparentshadalwaysgivenmeeverythingIneeded,andthiswasmychancetogivesomethingback.Iopenedasavingsaccountandwatchedasthemoneyslowlypiledup.Eventhoughmyfriendskepttellingmeitwasimpossible,Istayedfocused,remindingmyselfthatthiswasmywayofthankingmyparentsfortheirsacrifices.Oneyearlater,Ifinallysavedupenoughmoney!Icouldn’tbelieveit.Holdingthecruiseticketsinmyhands,Ifeltarushofexcitement.Thatnightatdinner,Ihandedthemtomyparents.Mydad’seyeswidenedinshock,andmymomgasped.“Isthisreal?”myfatherasked,hisvoicetrembling.Inodded,tearswellingupinmyeyes.“You’vealwaystakencareofus,”Isaidsoftly,“nowit’syourturntotakeabreakandenjoyyourselves.”Theyhuggedmetightly,andforthefirsttimeinalongwhile,Isawmyfathertrulyrelax,theweightofhisresponsibilitiesfinallylifting.2逐句改写这段文字表现良好，如果满分是25分，这段文字大概至少能得到22分，具体得分还取决于评阅者的个人标准。同时，我们还可以通过一些小的修改来提升整体的效果。好，我们接下来逐句解析该文，看看每一句是如何精巧构思的，并且可以怎样写得更好。第一段：1.Onweekends,Imowedlawns,walkeddogs,andbabysatforneighbors.赏析：这一句具体描述了主角的工作内容，给读者一个直观的感受。通过列举不同的工作内容，表现了主人公为实现目标所做的多样努力。如何改写：可以增加细节和感情。比如：Eachweekend,I'dwakeupearlytomowlawns,walkrestlessdogs,andbabysitnoisychildren,nomatterhowtiredIfelt.这样更强调了主角在追求目标过程中的毅力。如果不受首句提示句限制，前两句可以整合为：IthrewmyselfintoeveryoddjobIcouldfind,fromcleaninggaragestomowinglawns,allwithonegoalinmind:togivemyparentsthecruisetheyhadalwaysdreamedof.这样不仅增加了任务的多样性，也强化了目标的明确性。2.EverytimeIfelttired,Ithoughtofmydad’stiredeyesandhisgentlesmileashetalkedaboutthatcruise.赏析：这里是情感的升华，主角通过父亲的形象化描写，展现了他为父母努力的动力。用“tiredeyes”和“gentlesmile”将父亲的形象立体化，增强了共情感。如何改写：可以让父亲的情感传达得更深刻些：Wheneverexhaustionhit,theimageofmydad'swearyeyesandthehopeinhissmileashetalkedaboutthecruisekeptmegoing.这样更能突出父亲长久以来的期待与温暖。3.MyparentshadalwaysgivenmeeverythingIneeded,andthiswasmychancetogivesomethingback.赏析：这一句从故事的内在逻辑上升到了情感的顶点，表达了感恩和回报的主题。通过父母长期给予的无私爱，反衬了主角的感激之情。如何改写：可以通过更具象的方式表达这种感激：Afteryearsofthemgivinguptheirowndreamsforme,thiswasfinallymychancetogivethemsomethinginreturn.这样的话语能更鲜明地传递出父母多年来的牺牲。4.Iopenedasavingsaccountandwatchedasthemoneyslowlypiledup.赏析：简短的一句点明了储蓄过程，表达了时间的流逝和逐渐积累的成就感。如何改写：可以加入更多心理描写：EachtimeIdepositedafewmoredollars,Iwatchedthebalancegrowwithamixtureofprideandanticipation.这样不仅描写了存钱，还表现了主角内心的兴奋和期待。5.Eventhoughmyfriendskepttellingmeitwasimpossible,Istayedfocused,remindingmyselfthatthiswasmywayofthankingmyparentsfortheirsacrifices.赏析：这一句既展示了外界的质疑，也强调了主人公坚定的信念。通过对比，凸显了主角的坚持。如何改写：可以更深入表现外界的压力：Despitemyfriends'constantdoubts,Iheldon,knowingthatthiswasmywayofsayingthankyouforallthesacrificesmyparentshadmadeforme.这样将质疑的语气和主角的信念都表现得更细致。当然，如果字数过多，该句完全可以删去不写，对全文无影响。第二段：1.Oneyearlater,Ifinallysavedupenoughmoney!"赏析：这句话是整个故事的转折点，经过长期的努力，终于到达了目标。如果不是给的提示句，可以这么写：Afterawholeyearofhardwork,Ifinallyhadenough!Therealizationhitmewithasurgeofjoyanddisbelief.通过情感描述，让成功感更强烈。2.Icouldn’tbelieveit.Holdingthecruiseticketsinmyhands,Ifeltarushofexcitement.赏析：具体的动作“holdingthecruisetickets”让读者仿佛看到了那一瞬间的场景。“rushofexcitement”表达了主角内心的激动。如何改写：可以用比喻或细节描写加强情绪的传递：Staringatthecruiseticketsinmyhands,itfeltlikeadream—aburstofexcitementfilledmychest,makingmyheartrace.这样通过比喻增强了紧张与激动的感受。3.Thatnightatdinner,Ihandedthemtomyparents.赏析：这句直接推动了故事的高潮。通过描述递出船票的动作，引出接下来的感人场景。如何改写：可以增加递出船票的细节：Atdinnerthatevening,withshakinghands,Islidtheticketsacrossthetabletomyparents.这样让递出船票的瞬间更富有戏剧性。4.Mydad’seyeswidenedinshock,andmymomgasped.赏析：父母的反应非常直接，通过眼睛的描写抓住了他们的惊讶与感动。如何改写：可以将父母的情感表达得更丰富些：Mydad'seyeswidenedindisbelief,whilemymomletoutasmallgasp,herhandflyingtohermouthinshock.增加了母亲动作的细节，让情感更生动。5."Isthisreal?”myfatherasked,hisvoicetrembling.赏析：对话中，父亲的trembling声音显示了他的感动。通过简单的描述，突出了感情。如何改写：可以更进一步描写父亲的心情："Isthisreal?”myfatherwhispered,hisvoicebreakingwithemotion.这样让父亲的感动显得更为深沉。6.Inodded,tearswellingupinmyeyes.赏析：简短的一句话，通过“tearswellingup”描述了主角内心的激动与感动，情绪表达自然。如何改写：可以延续这一情感：Inodded,barelyabletoholdbackthetearsthatblurredmyvision.让泪水与情绪的波动更加明显。7."You’vealwaystakencareofus,”Isaidsoftly,“nowit’syourturntotakeabreakandenjoyyourselves.”赏析：这是故事的核心情感表达，孩子向父母表达了感恩。通过对话的温柔语气，充分展示了家庭之间的爱。如何改写：可以加入更多回忆的元素："You'vespentyourwholelivestakingcareofus,"Isaid,myvoicethickwithemotion."Nowit'syourturntorestandenjoylife,justlikeyou'vealwaysdreamed."通过回顾父母的付出，情感的表达会更丰富。8.Theyhuggedmetightly,andforthefirsttimeinalongwhile,Isawmyfathertrulyrelax,theweightofhisresponsibilitiesfinallylifting.赏析：结尾非常感人，通过“huggedtightly”表现了亲情的温暖，父亲终于得到了他应得的放松。如何改写：可以更细致地描写父亲的变化：Theypulledmeintoatightembrace,andforthefirsttimeinyears,Isawthelinesofworryonmyfather'sfacesoften,asifagreatweighthadbeenliftedfromhisshoulders.这样让父亲的放松更形象，表现了长期压在他身上的责任感。3改写后修改后的满分习作如下（第二段确实有点长了，但实在舍不得删了，权当语料给大家积累了）IthrewmyselfintoeveryoddjobIcouldfind,fromcleaninggaragestomowinglawns,allwithonegoalinmind:togivemyparentsthecruisetheyhadalwaysdreamedof.Wheneverexhaustionhit,theimageofmydad'swearyeyesandthehopeinhissmileashetalkedaboutthecruisekeptmegoing.Afteryearsofthemgivinguptheirowndreamsforme,thiswasfinallymychancetogivethemsomethinginreturn.EachtimeIdepositedafewmoredollars,Iwatchedthebalancegrowwithamixtureofprideandanticipation.Afterawholeyearofhardwork,Ifinallyhadenough!Therealizationhitmewithasurgeofjoyanddisbelief.Staringatthecruiseticketsinmyhands,itfeltlikeadream—aburstofexcitementfilledmychest,makingmyheartrace.Atdinnerthatevening,withshakinghands,Islidtheticketsacrossthetabletomyparents.Mydad'seyeswidenedindisbelief,whilemymomletoutasmallgasp,herhandflyingtohermouthinshock."Isthisreal?”myfatherwhispered,hisvoicebreakingwithemotion.Inodded,barelyabletoholdbackthetearsthatblurredmyvision."You'vespentyourwholelivestakingcareofus,"Isaid,myvoicethickwithemotion."Nowit'syourturntorestandenjoylife,justlikeyou'vealwaysdreamed.Theypulledmeintoatightembrace,andforthefirsttimeinyears,Isawthelinesofworryonmyfather'sfacesoften,asifagreatweighthadbeenliftedfromhisshoulders.参考译文：我全身心投入到每一个我能找到的零工中，从清理车库到修剪草坪，一切只为了一个目标：送给父母他们一直梦想的邮轮之旅。每当我筋疲力尽时，脑海中浮现出父亲那疲惫的双眼和他谈起邮轮时含着希望的微笑，这让我坚持了下来。多年里，他们为了我放弃了自己的梦想，而这一次，终于轮到我回报他们了。每次存进几美元，我都会带着一丝自豪和期待，看着账户余额一点点增长。经过一整年的努力，我终于攒够了钱！这个事实让我心中充满了喜悦与难以置信的感觉。盯着手中的邮轮票，我仿佛置身梦境，胸腔中涌动的激动感让我的心跳加速。那天晚餐时，我颤抖着双手，将票轻轻推到父母面前。父亲瞪大了眼睛，满脸惊讶，而母亲发出一声低低的惊呼，手捂住了嘴巴，震惊不已。“这是真的吗？”父亲轻声问道，声音因为激动而微微颤抖。我点点头，眼泪几乎模糊了视线。“你们为我们操劳了一辈子，”我哽咽着说，“现在该轮到你们休息，享受你们一直以来的梦想了。”他们紧紧地抱住了我，多年来父亲脸上的忧虑仿佛在那一刻消散了，仿佛他肩上的重担终于卸下。单句翻译（教师检测版）单句翻译，可供课堂教学用。1.每当我筋疲力尽时，脑海中浮现出父亲那疲惫的双眼和他谈起邮轮时含着希望的微笑，这让我坚持了下来。_____