高中英语：文档（English humor）2：A taste of English humour

EngIishHumourPart2

KeepFeedingHimNickels

Amothersawherthree-year-oldsonputanickleinhismouthandswallowedit.She

immediatelypickedhimup,turnedhimupsidedownandhithimontheback,

whereuponhecougheduptwodimes.Frantically,shecalledtothefatheroutside.

“Yoursonjustswallowedanickleandcougheduptowdimes!”

“WhatshallIdo?”

Yelledbackthefather,"Keepfeedinghimnickels!,9

TheSameMother

BillyandhisbrotherDavywereinthesameclass.Theteacheraskedthemtowritea

composition:“MyMother".DavywroteoneandBellyjustcopiedit.Thenextday,

theteacheraskedBilly."Howisitthatyourcompositionisexactlythesamewith

Davy's?"

“Wehavethesamemother,don'twe?”

AFriendoftheDuck

AnAmericantouristwaslunchinginarestaurantinChinawhosespecialitywasduck.

Thewaiterexplainedeachdishashebroughtittothetable:“Thisisthebreastofthe

duck.Thisisthelegoftheduck.Thisisthewingoftheduck.

ThencameadishthattheAmericanknewwaschicken.Hewaitedforanexplanation.

Silence."Well,“hefinallyasked."What'sthis?”"It'safriendoftheduck."saidthe

waiter.

It'sNotaPicture

Amiddle-agedcouplewenttothegallery.Thewife,whowasnearsighted,stood

beforeabigpictureofawoman'simageandcriedout,"Dearme,howcouldawoman

besougly?”

“Don'tbesofussy,“saidthehusband."It'snotapicture.Ifsamirror!99

It'sUnfair

Oncetherelivedamanwhowassolazythatnojobwasfitforhim.Inordertomake

alivingheonedaywenttoaneighborofhisforhelp.Theneighboradvisedhimtobe

acemeterycaretakerasitwastheeasiestjobonecouldfind.Thelazymanwas

delightedandsoonbecameacemeterycaretaker.Buttoeverybody'ssurprisehe

resignedhisjobthreedaysafterhegotit."It'sunfair."hesaidtotheneighborangrily.

“InthecemeteryalltheothersarelyingstillwhileIamtheonlyonewhohasto

stand.”

MyGifttotheJudge

Man:Canyoutellmewhichjudgewillhearmycase?Iwanttosendhimsomebottles

ofgoodwine.

Lawyer:No,Ican't.Totellyouthetruth,ifyoudoso,youwillbreakthelawandwill

besuretolosethecase.

Severalweekslater,thelawyerheardthatthemanhadwonit.Sohesaidtohimin

surprise.

Man:Yes,ofcourse.ButIputmyopponent'snameonthecardwiththedrink.

AHundredPerCent

Patient:Doctor,pleasetellmethetruth.Whataremychancestorecover?

Doctor:Justahundredpercent!Statisticsshowthatonlynineoutoftendiefromthe

disease:Nownineofmypatientshavealreadydiedfromit,youarethetenth!

WhoAreThey?

Aportraitpainterwasverymuchworriedbecausenocustomershadevercometohim.

Afriendofhisadvisedhimtomakeapaintingofhimselfandhiswifeandhangit

outsidehisstudioasanad.Thepoorpainterdidso.Thenextdayhisfather-in-law

cametoseehim.

“Whoisthatwoman?"askedtheoldmanashesawthepainter.

“Don'tyourecognizeyourdaughter?”repliedtheartist,feelingsomewhatannoyed.

“Hm,"saidthefather-in-law.”Thenwhyhaveyoupaintedhersittingtogetherwith

thatuglystranger?^^

I'mtheDeadDonkey'sFather

Atrafficaccidenthappenedinasmalltown,andtheplaceiscrowdedbymany

people.

Aman,wholikedwatchingverymuch,camelate.Hecouldseenothingbecausehe

stoodbehind.Suddenlyhehadagoodideaandthenhecried."Letmein,please.Pm

hisfather!Theotherpeopleweresurprised,andsteppedbackinordertolethimin.

Whenheenteredinandsawclearly,hecouldn'tsayaword:ADEADDONKEYWAS

LYINGONTHEGROUND.

ISawFatherGetItOut

Whenbboywastakinghisfather'sdinnertothefactory,hestoppedforaminuteto

watchaworkmancleaningasewer.

Theboysaidinterestedly,uMymotherdroppedhergoldwatchdownhereyesterday."

Theworkman'seyeslitup."Well,boy,"hesaid,pretendingtobecareless,ugetalong

withyou.”

Anhourlatertheboycameback."Areyouquitesureitwasherethatyourmotherlost

herwatchdown?”askedtheworkman.

“Iamcertain/9repliedtheboywithacunningsmile,"becauseIsawFathergetitout

withmyowneyes.”

CleaningKnives

MydaughterLauraandherclassmateswerebakingacakeincookingclassoneday.

Afterabout35minutestheteachersaid,"Laura,wouldyoucheckonthecake?Just

putaknifeinit,andifitcomesoutcleanthecakeisready."

Afterabout10minutesLauracameback."Whattookyousolong?”theteacher

asked.

“Well,“saidLaura,"IstucktheknifeinthecakeanditcameoutsocleanthatIstuck

alltheotherdirtyknivesintoo.^^

AGirlNotIncluded

Tomsawanadvertisementinanewspaperforabeautiful,modernbicyclewhichcost

£54.99,sohewenttotheshopwhichhadputtheadvertisementinandaskedtosee

oneoftheirwonderfulbicycles.

TheshopkeeperwasveryhappytoshowonetoTom,whoexaminedcarefullyand

turnedintotheshop,saying,"Thereisn'talamponthisbicycle,buttherewasoneon

thebicycleinyouradvertisement.

“Yes,sir,"answeredtheshopkeeper,ccbutthelampisn'tincludedinthepriceofthe

bicycle.Ifsanextra."

“Notincludedinthepriceofthebicycle?^^Tomsaidangrily.6aButthafsnothonest.If

thelampisintheadvertisement,itshouldhavebeenincludedinthepriceyougave

there.”

“Well,sir,"answeredtheshopkeepercalmly,“thereisagirlonthebicycleinour

advertisement,butwedon'tsupplyoneofthemwiththebicycleeither/9

ABraveBoy

Johnnywasnineyearsold,andhewasaverynaughtyboy,buthismotheralways

hopedthathewouldbehavebetter.Thenoneday,afterhehadcomehomefrom

school,Johnny'steachercalledhismotheronthephoneandsaid,"Didyouknow,Mrs.

Perkins,thatJohnnysavedaboywhenhefellintotheriverwhilewewereoutfora

walkthismorning?^^

Mr.Perkinswasveryhappywhensheheardthis.Shethought,"Johnnyisbecominga

goodboy."Thensheturnedtohimandsaid,“Thatwasyourteacher.Whydidn'tyou

tellmeyouhadbeensuchabraveboyandsavedoneofyourfriendswhenhefellinto

theriverthismoming?^^

ButJohnnydidnotlookveryhappywhenheheardthis.Hisfacebecameveryred,

andhesaid,"Well,IreallyhadtopullhimoutbecauseIpushedhimin.”

JimatSea

Jimworkedasacabin-boyonasmallsteamer.Onemorninghebrokeacoffeepotand

threwitintothesea.Whenhebroughtinbreakfastforthecaptain,hesaid,“MayIask

youaquestion,sic?”

“Ofcourse,youmay,^^saidthecaptain,"Whatisit?”

“Isitathinglostifyouknowwhereitis?”saidJim.

“Ofcourseitisn't,"saidthecaptain.

“Thenyourcoffee-potisn'tlost,sir,becauseIknowwhereitis,“saidJimwitha

smile.

“Whereisit?”askedthecaptain.

“Atthebottomofthesea."saidJim.

AFarmerandaVet

FarmerJoneswasknowntobestingy.Hemetthelocalvetinfrontofthecourthouse.

Herewasthechance.Hecouldgetsomefreeadvice.

“Doctor,“hesaid,6Tvegotapeculiarhorse.Sometimeshewalksnormally.Atother

timeshelimps.WhatshouldIdo?”

Thevettoldhim,"Nexttimehewalksnormally,sellhim!”

YouAretheFifth

Amansawafishermanstandinginthelakewithamirror."Excuseme,“hesaid.

“Whatareyoudoing?"

“Fishing,“thefishermanreplied.

“Withamirror?^^themanasked,surprise.

“Sure-it'sanewinvention.Iamgoingtomakeafbrtune.^^

“Couldyoutellhowitworks?”

“Okay,butiswillcostyou$10.”

Tosatisfyhiscuriousity,themanhandedthefishermanthemoney."Nowshowme

howitworks/9hesaid.

“Well,“thefishermanbegan,"youaimthemirrorintothewater,andwhenafishgoes

by,youstartlehimwithraysoflightreflectedfromthemirror.Thefishgetsconfused

andthenyougrabit.”

Themanwasgreatlysurprised.uDonfttellmethathowyoufish.It'sridiculous!How

manyhaveyoucaught?"

“Youarethefifthtoday!"repliedthefishermanwithasmile.

ASmartHorse

Acowboyfelloffhishorseandbrokehislegwayoutontheprairie.Thesteed

grabbedhismaster'sbeltinhisteeth,carriedhimtoshelterandthenwenttofetchthe

doctor.

Talkingitoverafewweekslater,afriendpraisedthehorse'sintelligence.taHeck,he's

sosmartJrepliedthecowboy."Hecamebackwiththeveterinarian.99

OutsideandInside

Teacher:Arthur,ifyouhadthreeapplesandateone,howmanywouldyouhave?

Arther:Three.

Teacher:Three?

Arthur:Yes,Twooutsideandoneinside.

TheCityManandtheMountainMan

Acitymanwasonholidaysinthemountains.Hegottalkingtoalocalmanandwas

veryimpressedbythemountainman'scommonsense.Hesuggestedtheyplayagame.

“Wewillaskeachotherquestions/9hesaid,“andthepersonwhocan'tanswerpaysa

dollar?9Themountainmanthoughtaboutthisforafewminutes,thenpointedoutthat

thecitymanwasmoreeducatedandexperienced.Hesaiditwouldbefairerifthecity

manpaidadollarandhepaysonly50cents.Thecitymanagreed.

“Whathasthreelegsandcanfly?”askedthemountainman.Minutespassedwhilethe

citymanrackedhisbrainforananswer.atIdon'tknow,“hefinallysaid."Hereisyour

dollar.99

Thenheaskedthesamequestion:uWhathasthreelegsandcanfly?"

“DarnedifIknow,“saidthemountainman."Hereisyour50cents.”

WelcometoComeBack

Atouristsawaroadsignthatread"NothroughWay.PleaseGoAnotherWay."He

lookedaheadandsawnothingwrongatall.Hedecidedtogoon,thinkingthesign

wasakindofjoke.Afterawhilehesawabrokenbridgeandhadtoturnback.When

hecametothesignontheroad,hesawthesewordsonitsbackside:"Welcometo

ComeBack.YouFool!"

TheRopeandtheWeather

Boy:Whatareyoudoingwiththatpieceofrope?

Old-timer:Thisisaweathergauge,myson.

Boy:Howdoyoutelltheweatherwithapieceofrope?

Old-timer:It'ssimple.Whenitswingsbackandforthitwindy.Whenitgetswet,it's

raining.

IllTaketheOtherOne

IfyouthinkpricesaretoohighyoucanfollowtheexampleofoneAmericanwoman.

Atafruitshopthepriceoforangeswasmarkedastwofor35cents.

Thewomanasked