杰·雷诺爱默生学院2014毕业典礼演讲

杰•雷诺爱默生学院2014毕业典礼演讲JayLeno,welcomehome杰•雷诺欢迎回家ByvirtueofthepowervestedinmebytheCommonwealthofMassachusetts我将行使马萨诸塞州andtheBoardofTrusteesofEmersonCollege和爱默生学院校董会授予我的权力Iherebyconferuponyouthehonorarydegreeofdoctorofhumaneletters授予你人文学荣誉博士学位whichyouhavesojustlyearned这是你应得的withalltherights,privilegesandresponsibilitiespertainingthereto以及所有与此相关的权利特权和责任andinviteyoutodeliverthismorning'scommencementaddress我邀请你到此做今晨的毕业演讲Thankyouverymuch,Thankyou非常感谢大家谢谢Iamthelittlemanonthistotempole,verydistinguishedpeople我是这个图腾柱上众多杰出人士中很不起眼的一个IthankDonLemonfortakingtimeoutforlookingthatairplanetobeheretoday感谢唐•莱蒙花时间帮我订了今天到这里的机票Thankyou谢谢你Iknowyougottagetback我知道你要回去Wellwhat'sbetter?Mother'sdayandgraduation?母亲节和毕业在一天还有什么更好的Isthereanygreatermomgiftintheworld,lookatthat,howaboutthat?还有更好的母亲节礼物吗这真是太棒了IwanttothankPresidentPeltonandchairmanofboardJeffGreenhawt我要感谢佩尔顿校长和校董会主席杰夫•格林霍特fortheopportunitytobewithyoutoday让我今天有机会来到这里YouknowI'mstunnedtobehere到这里让我受宠若惊Istillcan'tbelievethatI'macollegegraduate我现在都还无法相信自己竟然大学毕业了IstillhavenightmaresthatIhaveteststotake我还做着噩梦梦到有考试要考andtakemyword,Iwasaterriblestudent说真的我是个很差的学生I'mdislexic,here'showthisdyslexiawastreatedwhenIwasakid我有失读症我小时候失读症是这样治的Smartenup,hey,smartenup,hey,smartenup聪明些嘿聪明些嘿聪明些Thatwasthecurefordyslexia失读症就是这样治的Infact,oneday实际上有一天theguyinmyhighschoolcalledmymomandhesaid我的高中老师把我妈妈找来说haveyoueverthoughtoftakingJayoutofschool你有没有想过把杰从学校领回去Youknow,Mrs.Leno,educationisnotforeveryone雷诺夫人教育并非对每个人都合适Andthenhesaid,JayworksinMcDonald's他说杰可以到麦当劳工作youknowtheyhaveawonderfulhamburgeruniversityprogram他们有一个很棒的汉堡大学项目wheretheyteachthekidshowtomakechange教学生如何得到改善itjustcouldbearealopportunityforJay这对杰而言是个很好的机会I'msittingthere,going,hello,I'mintheroom我则坐在那里说哈罗我在房间里Andlikealotofyou,Iwastheclassclown,andI'dliketoshowoff和你们很多人一样我是班上的小丑喜欢哗众取宠IthoughtI'dliketogointoshowbusiness我想进入脱口秀表演业butIhadnevermetanybodyinshowbusinessinMassachusetts但我在马萨诸塞州从未碰到过任何脱口秀表演业的人Andshowbusinessisoneofthoserarejobsorprofessions滑稽表演这个行业很独特wherepeoplewhoknowabsolutelynothingaboutitfeelfreetogiveyouadvice对它一无所知的人都能随意提出建议Aneighborlady,Mrs.Langelltellmymother我邻居兰盖尔夫人跟我妈说youcan'tbeacomedianunlessyourfatherwasacomedian父亲不是喜剧演员的人别想当喜剧演员That'sthewayitisandhowitwould情况就是这样Youcan'tdoitunlessyourfatherwasacomedian要当喜剧演员父亲必须是喜剧演员Isaidokay,soIguessthat'sout我说好吧不过这已经过时了AndthenforsomeoddreasonIwenttoBentleySchoolofAccountingandFinance然后出于很独特的原因我进入了本特利会计与金融学校Youknowwhy?知道为什么吗Becauseitwasclosetomyhouse因为它离我家近That'swhyIwentthere这就是我去那里的原因Adyslexicaccountant,Ilastedonesemester一个失读症会计我在那待了一个学期onesemester一个学期ThenEmersonCollegesavedmylife然后爱默生学院挽救了我的人生IremembersomebodytellingmetherewasthisliberalartscollegeinBoston我记得有人告诉我波士顿的这家文科院校wherealotofpeoplelikemeendedup很多和我一样的人都来到这里ItwascalledEmerson它叫爱默生AndIcamehereinMayforameeting我五月来到这里anditwastoldtherewasnotmuchchancetogetintothefallsemester学校告诉我我没有秋季入学的机会especiallyamigrate特别是非本地人ThenIjustpleadedwiththeadministrator,Isaid,look我请求管理者说Look,thisismylastchance这是我最后的机会了thisistheonlyplacewhereIcanlearnhowtobeacomedian这是我想成为喜剧演员唯一能去的位置theonlyplacethatcanhelpmedothat这是唯一能够帮我实现目的的地方Hepausedforamomentandhesaid,well,makeupajokeaboutEmerson他顿了一下说那你讲个关于爱默生学院的笑话吧Youwanttobeacomedian你想当喜剧演员Saysomethingfunnyaboutthisplace讲讲这个地方的笑话ItookamomentandIsaidokay我想了下说here'stheweirdthingaboutEmersonCollege爱默生学院的这一点很有趣Youcanhavegirlsinyourroom,youcanhavedrugsinyourroom你可以把女生带到寝室可以把毒品带到寝室youcanhavesexinyourroom24hoursadayifyouwantedto如果你想一天做爱24小时都没人管Theonlythingyou'renotallowedtohave,ahotplate他们唯一不让你做的事是使用电炉Amanwentby,what'sgoingon有人会来敲门问你们在搞什么It'sgettinglateandgettinghot,you'recookingsoup这里感觉好热你们肯定是在煮汤Hey,you'remakingsoupinthere嘿你们肯定是在煮汤Againstalltherulesanddisregardingmybadacademicrecord我违反过好多规则学术成绩也很糟糕hesaidyou'rewillingtogotosummerschool他问你想读暑期班吗AndIsaid,yeah,yeah,I'vegotnoproblemswithsummerschool我说好好读暑期班我没意见Andhesaidyou'rein他说那你来吧Andforthefirsttimeinmylife,being这是我人生中第一次funnyhavegottenmesomethingbesidesdetention通过讲笑话获得奖励而不是被关禁闭actuallygotmeintocollege这让我有大学读Andforthesecondtimeinmylife之后我在人生中Imetpeoplewiththesameinterestasme又碰到和我志同道合的人Thisisthefirstplace这是第一个peopledidn'trolltheireyeswhentheysaytheywanttobeacomedian说想成为喜剧演员不用遮遮掩掩的地方Youknowwhenyousaythattoyourparents,friends,they'relike一般来说当你跟父母或朋友说想当喜剧演员时oh,we'resorry他们会说我们很遗憾HeardaboutJay听说过杰吗Andourdormwasa206bighistory我们宿舍有着206年的古老历史thefirsttimeIdidcomedywithmyroommateJimBronstein我第一次在里面跟室友吉姆•布朗斯丁演喜剧alsoastudentwhowentontobeacomedywriteraswell这个学生后来成为了一名喜剧作家AndEmersongavemethatopportunity爱默生给了我这个机会PlusIlearnedstuff,Ilearnedrealstuff而且我学到了真正的东西Iremembertakingablackhistorycourse我记得上过一门黑人历史课andreadingJamesBaldwinandDickGregory读詹姆斯•鲍德温和迪克•格雷戈里的作品andforthefirsttimeinmylife我人生中第一次意识到IrealizedallthethingsIdidn'tknow自己不知道这么多东西Imean,IalwaysknewIcouldn'tdomath当然我一直知道自己不懂数学butIhadnoideaIwasthisclueless但我原来不知道连这些我也不知道Myproblemwasatthattime,EmersonCollegehadnostand-upcomedyprogram我的问题是当时在爱默生学院没有单口喜剧节目Itriedoutforthedramadepartment我去过戏剧系butwasintimidatedandIjustfailedmiserably结果失败了而且失败很惨重Soratherthantryagain,Igotachiponmyshoulder我没有再尝试而是感到非常憋屈totheattitude,oh,thisisgoingtobeonthetest我很不喜欢他们的态度我心想Iwasright,theywerewrong,I'llshowthem我是对的他们错了我要证明给他们看Iwon'tlearnanything我不打算学任何东西SoIkindofturnedmybackonEmerson这时我转身背离了爱默生anddecidedtotryandgoitalone决定自己出去打拼Imean,Ididn'tdropoutoranythinglikethat当然我没有退学Ijustdidthebasicminimumnecessarytogetby我只是在学校中花最小精力得过且过SothenIliterallywentdoor-to-doortryingtobeacomedian之后我尝试逐门逐户推销自己的喜剧YouknowBostonwasaveryseriousplace波士顿是一个很严肃的地方especiallystudentsinthe60sand70s特别是六七十年代的学生Mostclubsdidalotofstopyouwarmmachinemusicandthatkindofstuff很多俱乐部都只允许一些音乐节目withtheexceptionofmaybeGeorgeCarlinandRichardPryor除了乔治•卡林和理查德•普赖尔之外mostcomedydidn'treallyfitinwithcollegestudents大多数喜剧都不受大学生欢迎IwillgotomusicclubsandItellthem,I'macomedian我去这些音乐俱乐部说我是喜剧演员andtheysaid,getlost他们说滚开AndthenIputa$50billonthebarandI'dsay我于是掏出五十美元放到台上说look,ifpeopleleave,youkeepthe50如果观众离场这五十就是你的了butiftheylaughandstay,givememy50back如果他们笑了这五十我就收回来Andthatworkedout这在当时能起作用hardatthetime才怪了Sometimesitwasjustgutwrenching有时这非常虐心TherewasjustoneclubIwenttosaid,you'reinunion?我去的一家俱乐部问你是协会成员吗Isaidno我说不是Ididn'tknowtherewasunion我不知道有协会Theysaid,ohyeah,Ican'thireyouunlessyou'reinunion他们说我们不能招你你连协会都没入Hesaid,goandseemyfriendattheafterofficeoverthatstreetdown他说你可以到街那头去找我的一位朋友SoIgooverthereandthisguysays于是我去找到那个人Isaidyeah,Iwanttobeacomedian我跟他说我想当一名喜剧演员Isaid,I'vebeentryingtodoitforaboutayear我说我尝试一年了Hesaid,ayear,you'resupposedtobeifyoujointheunioninthreemonths他说一年入协会三个月就行了Icouldfindyourightnow,youcouldbeaviolation我可以马上破格加你Isaid,well,howmuchdoesittaketojoin我问加入要多少钱Hesaid,$300他说300美元Isaid,Idon'thave$300andthen我说我没有那么多钱然后hesaidthosemagicwords,howmuchyougot他说了那些骗子常说的话那你有多少Youknow,IknewIwasmakingamistake我当时就知道这很有可能是骗局youknowyoujustwantedtobelieve我只是想给自己一些憧憬IjustknewIwasmakingamistake,Ijustwantedtobelieve我知道自己错了但还是希望这是真的SoIgavehimallthemoneythatIhave于是我把所有的钱都给了他Isaid,Ihave$75我说我有75美元Hesaid,oh,givemethat他说好给我吧Thenhegivesmehisbusinesscard,therewritesbackonthebusinesscard,unionman然后他就给我名片背面写有协会成员Hesays,youshowthiscardtoanyclub他说你可以把它出示给任何俱乐部Ifeltlikecocoaandfame,rememberthatmovie我感觉就像名扬四海中的科科记得那部电影吗SoIgotthiscardthatsaysunionman我拿着这张写有协会成员的卡片andIgobacktothenightclubandIhandedittotheguy回到夜总会给那里的人看andtheguybreaksoutlaughing夜总会的人忍不住大笑出来andhesayswedon'thirecomedians,getlost他说我们不招喜剧演员走开Okay,nowI'mstupidandbroke这时我不仅显得愚蠢而且身无分文IusedtodrivetoNewYorkeverysinglenight我曾每晚都开车去纽约totryandgetouttheimprovinNewYorkCity尝试在纽约市找到即兴演出机会Atthetime,thatwastheonlyplacethatfeaturedunknowncomedians当时纽约是唯一让不知名的喜剧演员演出的地方ThatdrivetoNewYorkeverynightoreverydayafterclassrather每天下课我都会驱车去纽约andIsleepinthealleyacoupleblocksfromtheimprov我睡在离即兴演出地点一两个街区远的小巷子里Itwastheonlydeadendalleyaround这是附近唯一的死胡同Soitwasprettyquietuntilmidnight一直都很安静直到午夜whentheprostituteswhobringtheircustomersthere妓女们带着她们的客人回来andI'msleeping,I'mlike50feetaway,I'mgoing我就睡在五十英尺外的地方我心想reallyisthisshowbusiness?这就是脱口秀表演业吗Thisiswhatacollegedegreegetsme?这就是大学文凭给我的吗butmysavinggracewasEmersonCollege不过爱默生学院挽救了我becausenomatterhowawfulgiveswere无论我的境况有多糟IalwayshadaplacetogobackandtechnicallyIwasn'tahomelesscomedian我总都地方可以回我并不是一个无家可归的喜剧演员Iwasstillastudenttryingtobeacomedian我仍是一个想当喜剧演员的学生AndEmersonCollegeletmedothat爱默生学院给了我这个机会andnobody'smorestunnedthanIwaswhenIgraduated我竟然能毕业没人比我自己更吃惊了Youknow,thisisthefirsttimeinmylifeIhadeverfinishedanything这是我这一生中首次完成某项成就的AndIhadtobelieveIcouldgraduatecollege,ohmygod,Icoulddoanything这让我相信连大学都能毕业还有什么做不了的呢SowhatIwanttodonowistrytopassontoyou下面我想跟大家分享someofthethingsI'velearnedaboutshowbusiness脱口秀表演业中我所学到的Hereare20rulesinnoparticularorder二十条规则排名不分先后Firstrulepoolofshowbusiness脱口秀表演业第1条规则Trynottogetaregularjob不要去做常规工作Whenyouhavearegularjob,youwindupactinglikeregularpeople如果去做常规工作你最后就会沦为普通人Andifyougraduatefromhere,you'renotaregularperson要知道从这里毕业的都不是普通人Regularpeoplehavedayjobssotheycouldpayforstuff普通人有常规工作有钱可以支付账单andpayingforstuffmeansyouhavetogotowork要支付账单就意味着你要去工作andgoingtoworkmeansyou'llhavetoskiptheauditionforthe要去工作就意味着没时间参加试演partyourfriendgotinsteadofyouwhoisnowabigstar这就意味着失去了当大明星的机会Numbertwo第2条Onceyouleavehere,it'lltakeaboutfouryearstobreakintoshowbusiness毕业后大约还需要四年才能真正进入脱口秀表演业thinkofthatasyourgraduateschool把这当成是读研究生You'lllearnwhichagentsarecrooks你将了解哪些经纪人是混蛋you'lllearnwhicharenicepeople哪些是善良的人you'llgetrejected,you'llbelikedtoo有人会否认你有人会喜欢你Youknow,onecastingdirectortoldmeIcouldneverworkontelevision有一个选角导演告诉我我永远上不了电视becauseIhadafacethatwouldfrightenchildren因为我长着一张会把小孩吓坏的脸SohesuggestedthatIgetmyjawrealigned他建议我去整一下下巴andsentmetothisplasticsurgeonthatheknew还给我引荐了他相熟的整形医生andthesurgeonsaid,yes,yes,wecanfixyourjaw这位医生说我们可以修正你的下巴We'llhavetobreakyourjawandthenrehangit首先要把它敲下来然后再连上去andyou'llbeoutofcommissionforawhile,youwillnotbeabletotalk你将需要休息一段时间有一段时间不能说话Isaid,well,howlongwillInotbeabletotalk,Hesaidaboutayear我问要休息多久他说大概一年Isaid,ayear?我说一年？Isaid,I'macomedian,Icannottalkforayear?我可是一个喜剧演员你让我一年不说话？Sodon'tgetdiscouraged.Thinkofthat记住别气馁想想这个Ifyouwereadoctor,thatwouldbeyourresidency如果你是医生你可以把这四年当成实习期You'reanartist,sufferforyourwork,paintyourselfintoacorner你是一位艺术家忍受你的工作不要挑三拣四takeeverydegrading,humiliatingshowbusinessjobyoucanget滑稽表演的任何机会都得上无论多么让你感到丢脸thatdoesn'trequiretakingyourclothesoff只要不让你脱光衣服就行Andyoulearnsomething,everyexperience你将学到很多anditwillgiveyougreatpedalwhenyougoonlatenighttalkshows这对你以后进入晚间脱口秀绝对大有好处Number4第4条Alwayskeeppeopleinyourlifewhodon'tquiteunderstandwhatisitthatyoudo在生活中和一些不大理解你在做什么的人保持联系Itwillkeepyouhumble这会让你保持谦恭You'reneverasinformedasyouthinkyouare你其实没有自己以为的那么了不起WhenIwasonthecoverofTimemagazinethefirsttime我第一次登上时代周刊封面的时候DonLemon唐•莱蒙Icalledmymomandtellher,Isaid我打电话我妈我跟她说heymom,I'monthecoverofTimemagazine妈我上了时代周刊封面Mymomsaid,whichonewasit?我妈问什么封面IsaidTimemagazine我说时代周刊Mymomsaid,whichone?我妈问哪个Timemagazine,thebignewsmagazine,Timemagazine时代周刊很牛的新闻杂志时代周刊Isaid,I'mgoingtocallUncleFrankinNewYork我说我要打电话给纽约的弗兰克叔叔andcallUncleTonyinMiami和迈阿密的托尼叔叔andtellthemI'monthecoverofTimemagazine告诉他们我登上了时代周刊封面Mymothersaid,Idon'tthinkso我妈说我不这么认为Isaid,whatdoyoumeanyoudon'tthinkso?我问什么叫你不这么认为Shegoeswhat?Shesaid,Ithinktheyputyouonthecoverofonesaystillaroundhere她说我想他们把你放到这里的封面上becausetheyknowyou'refromthisarea是因为他们知道你来自这个地方Shesaid,Idon'tthinkyou'reonthecoverofMiami她说我不认为迈阿密的封面上也是你Igo,I'monthecoverinMiami我说迈阿密的封面上也是我Number5第5条myfavoritequotefromthefollowingpoetnamedJohnGreenleafWhittier是诗人约翰•格林里夫•惠蒂埃的名言中我最喜欢的一句andhisquoteis"Ofallsadwordsoftongueorpen,thesaddestarethese所有描绘可悲的言辞中最可悲的莫过于’本来可以的’itmight'vebeen,"Ilovethatquote,because我很喜欢这句话youknow,thereisnothingwrongwithfailingbecauseyou'renotgoodenough错误没有什么这只是因为你不够好ThereisnothingsadderthanIcould'vehaditifIjusttriedalittleharder如果失败仅仅因为缺少一点努力那就再可悲不过了Ifthere'ssomeoneinshowbusinessthatyou'retryingtoemulateoryouadmire如果脱口秀表演业中你很尊敬或是希望模仿某位演员andyouwishtowritefor,writethatpersonaletter你想给他写剧本请给这个人写信andtryhandingittotheminpersonifpossible并尽可能亲手将信递到他手上Youknow,nothingconnectshumanbeingstooneanothermorethanhumancontact没有什么比面对面接触更能将人联系在一起的Thesepeopleareartists.Withanyluck,theywillseeinyoualittlebitthemselves这些人都是艺术家他们可能会从你身上看到他们自己的影子Nowcontrarytowhatyoumightthink可能同你们想的不一样peoplereallydoliketohelpyoungpeople人们都喜欢帮助年轻人AlmosteverypersonthatworkedformeintheTonightShow今夜秀中工作的任何人haveneverworkedintelevisionbefore之前几乎都没在电视上干过Ineverhiredanybodyfromagents我从不从经纪人那招人Allpeoplethatapproachme,wemadeeyetoeyecontact,wemadeagoodimpression我总是要和这些人进行眼神交流留下好的印象Iwillspendmoretimewiththepersonthatdrovehalfwayaroundthecountry我更愿意用那些愿意驱车穿越半个美国theyhandmeapageofjokes亲手把喜剧稿递给我的人thanthepersonthatsendsmeanemailthatsaysIwouldliketoworkforyoubut我不喜欢那些发邮件说我想为你工作Idon'twanttoleaveCleveland但我不想离开克利夫兰的人Number5,ornumber7rather第5条不对是第7条Keep,seehowdyslexicIam,Isaidnumber5看到我的失读症了吧我竟然说第5条Keepthefriendsyou'vemadehere同这里结交的朋友保持联系Oneofthemcouldbethekeytoyoursuccess他们可能成为你成功的关键oryoucouldbethekeytotheirs你也可能成为他们成功的关键Iknowthismaybehardtobelievebutit'sreallynotcutthroatbusiness我知道这有点难以置信不过这个行当并不会争得你死我活WhenIwasstarting,Igotmoreworkfromothercomedians我刚开始的时候从其他喜剧演员那里thanIevergotfromagentsormanagers得到的帮助要远多于经纪人Thepersonsittingnexttoyoutodaycouldbethekeytoyoursuccess今天你旁边坐的人可能成为你今后成功的关键PeoplelikeSteveMartinhelpedmetremendously史蒂夫•马丁等人对我的帮助非常大AndwhenIhadalittlesuccess,IpersonallywenttoJohnnyCarson我小有成就的时候去找过约翰尼•卡森totellhimaboutEllenDeGeneres跟他讲艾伦•德詹尼丝Youknowwhat?It'sreallyawonderfulbusiness这是一个很美妙的行当Youdon'tpolluteanything,youdon'tmakedangerouschemicals,youdon'thurtthe你不会造成环境污染不会生产危险化学品environment,theworstthingyoucando你做得最糟糕也只不过是isnotraisethehumanspirit不能提高人类精神文明That'sreallytheworstthingyoucando你没办法做更糟糕的事情Number8,donotjudgeyourownsuccessbythesuccessofothers第8点不要用别人的成功来衡量你自己Iwasveryfortunate.WhenIstartoutasacomedian我很幸运我刚开始搞喜剧时IwastheonlycomedianIknew只认识我自己一位喜剧演员Soconsequently,IhadnoideahowterribleIwas因为没有比较我不知道自己有多烂WhenIwasdoingoldpeople'sbirthdaypartiesforthestatefor$10aday我曾在一个老头的生日宴上讲笑话日进10美元Ithought,hehe,Ihadmadeit,10bucksaday我心想嘿嘿我太厉害了一天赚了10美元Betsy,youlikecomedians?贝琪你喜欢喜剧演员吗That'swhatitwas.Itwasanightmare.IhadnoideahowbadIwas情况就是这样了简直是噩梦我不知道自己有多烂ButbythetimeIgottoLosAngeles之后我去了洛杉矶andmetLettermanandRobinWilliamsandJerrySeinfeld碰到了莱特曼罗宾•威廉姆斯杰瑞•宋飞I'vebeendoingitforafewyears,Iwasn'tthrownhowgoodthecompetitionwas我干了几年一直都没被残酷竞争所击溃Number9第9点Neverturndownajobbecauseofthemoney不要因为钱拒绝一份工作onlyturnitdownbecauseyoudon'tlikeit拒绝工作只能是因为你不喜欢它Moneywillcomelater.Don'tevenworryaboutit钱以后会来不要担心它Number10第10点It'snicetobelieveinyourself相信自己很好it'sbettertohaveotherpeoplebelieveinyou让其他人相信你会更好Thatreallyworthmuchbetter真的要好很多Number11,here'sanotherruleIobserved第11点这是我观察到的另一条规则Ifyoucanstayinthisbusinessforsevenyears如果你能在这个行业待七年youcanstayintherestofyourlife那么你一辈子都可以待在这个行业中BythatImean,ifyoucanphysicallymakeittothestage我说的也就是如果你能走到台上alltherecordingstudio,allthemoviesetforsevenyearswithoutscrewingup完成所有录音录像七年而不搞砸youwillmakealivinginthisbusiness.Iknowthatsoundssimplistic你就能在这个行业干一辈子我知道这有些简单化butthinkofallthecareersthatcanbesidelined不过想想所有那些bygreedandenvyanddrugsandalcohol,sex,ego能够被贪婪嫉妒毒品酒精性自负搞砸的行业it'susuallyneveryourtalentoryourabilitiesthatyou'rein,it'soneofthosethings通常让你能够待在行业中的并不是你的才能Sokeepyoureyeontheball时刻警惕那些东西NowIknowthismightsoundodd这听起来可能有些奇怪butit'sreallyageneticflawthatmakesusgointoshowbusiness但让我们进入脱口秀行当的确实是一种遗传缺陷Imean,whatnormalpeoplewanttostandonthestage,havevegetablesthrownonthem哪会有正常人想要站在台上等别人朝他脸上扔蔬菜Theydon't没人想这样Ireadsomewherethatmostpeople'sgreatestfearishavingtospeakinpublic我听说很多人最害怕的就是在公众面前讲话Theyfrightentodeathofit他们害怕得要死Wearefortunatetoliveinanagewhenitobviouslypaidhugedividends我们很幸运能够活在一个讲笑话能发财的时代IfthiswasancientRome如果是在古罗马andCaesarsaidwhyareallthosesoldierslaughing凯撒说那些士兵在笑什么Well,thatguyisentertainingthem有个人在讲笑话Really?Killhim真的吗杀了他Number12,youcannevermakeittoolate,youcanonlymakeittoosoon第12点成功永远没有太晚只有太早Youknow,showbusinessislikegolf.Ifyouplayitrightyoucandoittoyour80s脱口秀行当就像打高尔夫球80岁都能打Whenyoustartoutinshowbusiness,Iknow开始进入脱口秀行当后hoursaredays,daysareweeks,weeksareyears我开始觉得有些度日如年IthoughtIwastheoldestguy我觉得我很老了IthoughtIwasthelastguyeverdothisnightshow我觉得我是搞夜间秀的最后一个人Iwasonly27yearsold其实我只有27岁Butthenwegettotheagethewholethingsturnusaround之后一切都反过来了andyearsareweeks,andweeksaredays,anddaysarehours我开始觉得度年如日Soitkindofchanged这会发生变化Number13第13点Ifyoucan'tgetinfrontdoor,gothroughbackdoor如果前门进不来那就进后门Youknow,foryears,Icouldn'tgettoTonightShow我有很多年都没能进入今夜秀Iauditioned,Iauditioned,Ijustcouldn'tgetit我试演过很多次但就是不行Youknowwhy?Iwasn'tgoodenough知道为什么吗因为我不够好Nothingpersonal,Iwasn'tgoodenough没什么别的问题就是不够好SoIdideverysecond-ratecablebadtalkshowIcouldgetmyhandson于是我接了很多能够接手的二线有线电视脱口秀untilIwasgoodenough直到我变得足够好Don'tpoutandbeaholelikeIwaswhenIcouldn'tpassadramaaudition在通不过喜剧试演时不要自暴自弃Keeptrying继续努力Number14,youcanonlyliveinthetimeyoulivein第14点你只能生活在你所生活的时代Ihadayoungcomediancomeuponetimeandhesaid曾经有个年轻喜剧演员跑来跟我说youguysallcameupduringthegoldenageofcomedywhenitwaseasier你们这些人都生活在喜剧的黄金年代这让你们很容易成功Sowhatareyouadvocating?Timetravel?Shutupyourmouth你想说什么时间旅行吗闭上你的嘴Number15,thisone'sreallyimportant第15点这一点很重要Don'thavearelationshipwithapartnerwhodoesn'tgetit不要同志不同道不合的人搭伙Someonesays,whydoyouhavetogotosomanyauditions有人问你干嘛要去试演那么多次Next,moveon,thatpersonisnotforyou下一个这个人不适合你Okay,letmetellyousomething让我给你们讲讲untilyourcreativethirstisquenched除非你的创作欲望枯竭了youarenotgoingtobehappywithanyone.You'reanartist否则你不会对任何人都满意你是一名艺术家Iftheycan'tshareyourpainandyourjoy.It'snotgoingtowork如果他们无法分享你的痛苦和喜悦那是行不通的Youneedasolemate,notasellmate.That'sprettymuchit你需要一个精神伴侣而不是经营伴侣Number16,nevergoonstagemad第16点不要在舞台上发疯Ifyou'reinafightwithsomeoneevenifyou'rerightjustapologize如果你同某人打架哪怕你是对的请道歉Thisismoreimportant.Angerrobscreativity这很重要愤怒会偷走创造性Irememberwatchingthegreatcomedyonce.It'sreallyfunny我曾经观看过一出很棒的喜剧很有趣untilhestartedtalkingabouthisex-wife直到他开始讲他的前妻It'slike,somethingelsehashappenedtoyou这就像进入了另一个世界Soremember,Angerrobscreativity记住愤怒会偷走创造性Number17,andthisisimportant第17点这一点很