(湘潭市督导课)双语报第7期作文讲评

1、第第7期双语报期双语报 高三（高三（1401 )1401 )班班 Teacher: Teacher: 王素云王素云(Joyce)(Joyce)1216411061222442623234363424446452544596526261046667271147867828486859294969103050701611313251改改错错1-5分分123252170133314536-10分分1434155415351255书书面面表表达达21-25分分16365617917375716-20分分183858125119395911-15分分204060251 第第12次次 周考试卷答题情况明细

2、表周考试卷答题情况明细表表扬：左表扬：左喆喆2323，张紫慧，张紫慧2222，唐炼炜唐炼炜2222，李雅玫，李雅玫2121，刘稳，刘稳2121，陈蕊珠，陈蕊珠2121，陈家骏，陈家骏2121，楚哲婷楚哲婷2121，彭文龙，彭文龙21 21 (9(9人人) )情况反馈情况反馈(feedback) 作文题作文题 假如你是李华，你的好友李明想找一假如你是李华，你的好友李明想找一个英国笔友，个英国笔友，托你写信向你的英国朋托你写信向你的英国朋友友TomTom求助，求助，请根据以下要点给请根据以下要点给Tom Tom 写邮件。写邮件。 1. 1. 说明写邮件的原因；说明写邮件的原因； 2. 2. 简要介

3、绍李明；简要介绍李明； 3. 3.指出李明对笔友的要求。指出李明对笔友的要求。书面表达书面表达1. 1. 体体 裁：裁：2. 2. 时时 态：态：3. 3. 人人 称：称： 4. 4. 要要 点：点：5. 5. 谋谋 篇：篇：认真审题认真审题求助信求助信一般现在时一般现在时第一人称和第三人称第一人称和第三人称三个要点三个要点Part1. Part1. 说明写邮件的说明写邮件的原因原因( (写信目的和背景写信目的和背景) )Part2. Part2. Part3. Part3. 再次求助再次求助+ +表示感谢表示感谢写作指导：写作指导： 三段式三段式简要介绍简要介绍李明李明指出指出李明对笔友的李

4、明对笔友的要求要求5.5.谋谋 篇：篇：Part2. Part2. 写作指导写作指导 主体段落主体段落认真审题认真审题分清主次很重要分清主次很重要Which is more important?Which is more important?a. a.简要介绍李明简要介绍李明(introduction)(introduction)b.b.指出李明对笔友的要求指出李明对笔友的要求(requirement)(requirement)1. 1. He is of medium height with black straight hair and a He is of medium height w

5、ith black straight hair and a handsome face . handsome face . He is not only outstanding but also He is not only outstanding but also always thinks of others. In my heart, he is an always thinks of others. In my heart, he is an idealideal person.person.2. Li Ming is a real-life 2. Li Ming is a real-

6、life Samaritan Samaritan and a real and a real mastermaster in in England Middle age and literature. He is willing to England Middle age and literature. He is willing to cope with troubles of his friends and is always there cope with troubles of his friends and is always there for us . As for capabi

7、lities, he could read Shakespeare for us . As for capabilities, he could read Shakespeare and Jane Austen in English without a dictionary. He is and Jane Austen in English without a dictionary. He is fond of fond of legacies(legacies(遗产遗产) ) ( (legendlegend传说传说) and classics in his ) and classics in

8、 his spare time.spare time. 简要介绍李明简要介绍李明仙女，下凡吧！接地气啊！仙女，下凡吧！接地气啊！亲，你要去相亲吗？亲，你要去相亲吗？问题问题1 1：审题不准：审题不准写作时要有读者意识写作时要有读者意识 简要介绍李明简要介绍李明 He He want want a pen-friend, who is outgoing and a pen-friend, who is outgoing and has good presonality. has good presonality. Maybe someone Maybe someone wan to wan to

9、 know Chinese culture is premierknow Chinese culture is premier. In . In hishis opinion, opinion, his penfriend will be better if his penfriend will be better if hehe has patience. has patience. What cWhat cant ant be ignored is some information be ignored is some information about Li Ming. I could

10、make sure that no one about Li Ming. I could make sure that no one could be more suitable than him to make could be more suitable than him to make friends with. friends with. BecauseBecause he is such a kind , selfless he is such a kind , selfless and wise person. and wise person. 点评：你看得出谁是李明吗？点评：你看

11、得出谁是李明吗？ 人称指代不明，句子结构混乱，逻辑不清；人称指代不明，句子结构混乱，逻辑不清；个别句子主谓不一致，个别单词拼写错误；个别句子主谓不一致，个别单词拼写错误；书写一般，卷面也算工整，但是得分低。书写一般，卷面也算工整，但是得分低。问题问题2 2：逻辑不清：逻辑不清 My friend Li Ming is outgoing and is gifted My friend Li Ming is outgoing and is gifted for communicating. And he has a lots of for communicating. And he has a l

12、ots of hobbies such as climbing , skating, swimming hobbies such as climbing , skating, swimming and so on. What is the most important is that and so on. What is the most important is that he has been to England. Thus, he falls in love he has been to England. Thus, he falls in love with its attracti

13、ve history. He also made some with its attractive history. He also made some requirements for the penfriend. requirements for the penfriend. 点评：点评：李明的介绍很明确，书写漂亮，卷面美李明的介绍很明确，书写漂亮，卷面美观，但是还是不能得很高的分。因为第三句写观，但是还是不能得很高的分。因为第三句写的内容不合常理。一个去过英国的人怎么要李的内容不合常理。一个去过英国的人怎么要李华介绍笔友啦！而且作者说这一点是最重要的，华介绍笔友啦！而且作者说这一点是最重

14、要的，和什么相比重要呢？好像又变成交友的原因了。和什么相比重要呢？好像又变成交友的原因了。 简要介绍李明简要介绍李明 问题问题3 3：结构混乱：结构混乱 简要介绍李明简要介绍李明 One of my friends, One of my friends, Li MinLi Min, wants a penfriend , wants a penfriend from England due to his hunger for from England due to his hunger for improvement on written English. improvement on wri

15、tten English. Li Min Li Min is not is not only easy-going but also kind-hearted. He loves only easy-going but also kind-hearted. He loves sports, such as basketball and ping-pong. And his sports, such as basketball and ping-pong. And his requirements for the requirements for the penpailpenpail are a

16、s follows. are as follows.点评：点评：李明特点比较明确了，作者使用李明特点比较明确了，作者使用了了not onlybut also等连词，但是对等连词，但是对李明的介绍也过于简要了吧！个别单词李明的介绍也过于简要了吧！个别单词拼写错误。书写不美，卷面很不美观。拼写错误。书写不美，卷面很不美观。 问题问题4 4：内容太浅：内容太浅审题不准，审题不准， 语法错误，语法错误，逻辑不清，逻辑不清， 内容太浅。内容太浅。HowHow to to enrich enrich the content?the content?1. Select the topic words 1.

17、Select the topic words 精选词汇精选词汇2. Expand the sentences 2. Expand the sentences 扩充句子扩充句子3. Develop a paragraph 3. Develop a paragraph 展开段落展开段落Select theSelect the topic words topic words 精选词汇精选词汇描述人物的话题词汇描述人物的话题词汇回顾回顾: What qualities : What qualities make Clive Sinclair make Clive Sinclair successful

18、successful? ?intelligenceintelligenceambitionambitioncuriositycuriosityperseveranceperseveranceenterpriseenterpriseintelligentintelligentambitiousambitiouscuriouscuriousperseveringperseveringenterprisingenterprisingSinclairSinclairs squalities qualities What qualities make him think his father is a

19、What qualities make him think his father is a herohero? ?hard-workinghard-workingcaringcaringlovinglovinghelpfulhelpfulresponsibleresponsibleconsiderateconsiderateoptimisticoptimistichard workhard workcarecareloveloveresponsibilityresponsibilityhelphelpconsiderationconsiderationoptimismoptimismMy fa

20、theMy fathersrs good qualitiesgood qualities描述人物的话题词汇描述人物的话题词汇简要介绍简要介绍李明李明描述该人物的相关话题词汇描述该人物的相关话题词汇精选词汇精选词汇: : 找出适合该话题的词汇找出适合该话题的词汇dedicated dedicated 有奉献精神的有奉献精神的 creative creative 富创造力的富创造力的independent independent 独立的独立的 ambitiousambitious 有雄心壮志的有雄心壮志的 adaptableadaptable 适应性强的适应性强的 cooperativecoope

21、rative 有合作精神的有合作精神的energetic energetic 精力充沛的精力充沛的industrious industrious 勤奋的勤奋的 optimistic optimistic 乐观乐观 的的humorous humorous 有幽默有幽默out-going out-going 外向的外向的 frank frank 直率的，真诚的直率的，真诚的 activeactive 主动的，活跃的主动的，活跃的generous generous 宽宏大量的宽宏大量的 careful careful 办事仔细的办事仔细的modest modest 谦虚的谦虚的 gentle gen

22、tle 有礼貌的有礼貌的 responsible responsible 负责的负责的 扩充句子扩充句子: :用熟悉短语支撑用熟悉短语支撑相关话题相关话题词汇词汇helpfulhelpfuleasy goingeasy goingactiveactiveconsiderateconsideratehumoroushumoroushardworkinghardworkingoptimisticoptimisticbe always ready to help othersbe always ready to help othersget along well with othersget alo

23、ng well with othershave a wide range of hobbieshave a wide range of hobbiesthink more of others than think more of others than of herselfof herselftell jokes; make others laughtell jokes; make others laughwork with every fiber of his work with every fiber of his beingbeingfind good in all situations

24、find good in all situationsMatch the topic words with their phrasesMatch the topic words with their phrases扩充句子扩充句子: :用熟悉短语支撑用熟悉短语支撑相关话题相关话题词汇词汇helpfulhelpfuleasy goingeasy goingactiveactiveconsiderateconsideratehumoroushumoroushardworkinghardworkingoptimisticoptimisticbe always ready to help others

25、be always ready to help othersget along well with othersget along well with othershave a wide range of hobbieshave a wide range of hobbiesthink more of others than of himselfthink more of others than of himselftell jokes; make others laughtell jokes; make others laughwork with every fibre of his wor

26、k with every fibre of his beingbeingfind good in all situationsfind good in all situationsParagraphs to describe fathParagraphs to describe fathersers good qualitiesgood qualitiesP47(Para 6)P47(Para 6) My father has been successful as he My father has been successful as he never shrinks from helping

27、 others. People also like never shrinks from helping others. People also like him because he often has a smile on his face. He is him because he often has a smile on his face. He is optimistic and finds good in all situations.optimistic and finds good in all situations.topic words + supporting sente

28、nces topic words + supporting sentences Develop a paragraph Develop a paragraph 展开段落展开段落P46 (Para 1)P46 (Para 1) What I value about my father is the care What I value about my father is the care and love he shows for me and my family. What and love he shows for me and my family. What blesses my fath

29、er most is being able to put food on blesses my father most is being able to put food on the table and a roof over our heads.the table and a roof over our heads.+linking words +linking words Relevant (Relevant (切题的切题的) )Reasonable (Reasonable (合理的合理的) ) Familiar (Familiar (熟悉的熟悉的) )Positive (Positiv

30、e (积极的积极的) )以语言地道以语言地道 逻辑连贯逻辑连贯 得高分得高分(real English; coherent logic )(real English; coherent logic ) 美段欣赏美段欣赏 A good friend of mine, Li Ming, is eager to find A good friend of mine, Li Ming, is eager to find an English penpal. Li Ming is an an English penpal. Li Ming is an easy-going boy easy-going

31、boy who enjoys making friends all over the world. who enjoys making friends all over the world. As As an English loveran English lover, he , he is crazy about is crazy about Shakespeare Shakespeare and dives right in and dives right in English literature. English literature. ThereforeTherefore, he ,

32、 he is more willing to have a pen pal who has the is more willing to have a pen pal who has the same hobby with him and same hobby with him and never shrinks from never shrinks from seeking for the beauty of literatureseeking for the beauty of literature. . 点评：点评：作者对李明的介绍和对笔友的要求作者对李明的介绍和对笔友的要求用用56个字

33、全部表达清楚了，既简要又精炼！个字全部表达清楚了，既简要又精炼！一个话题词对应一个支撑信息，一个话题词对应一个支撑信息，高级词汇，高级词汇，精美句式使用得恰如其分。书写美，卷面精美句式使用得恰如其分。书写美，卷面美，文章美。美，文章美。以语言地道以语言地道 逻辑连贯逻辑连贯 得高分得高分 Li Ming wants to have a pen pal who has Li Ming wants to have a pen pal who has similar hobbies with him. similar hobbies with him. He is good at He is goo

34、d at English English and and artsarts. . In his spare timeIn his spare time, he often , he often reads some great works. His favorite reads some great works. His favorite author is Shakespeare. author is Shakespeare. AlsoAlso, he loves , he loves playing tennis. playing tennis. Besides,Besides, Li M

35、ing wants his Li Ming wants his pen friend to be knowledgeable to answer pen friend to be knowledgeable to answer his questions about the UK. his questions about the UK. It will be It will be better better if the pen pal lives near Oxford. if the pen pal lives near Oxford. (1401 (1401李适然李适然) )美段欣赏美段

36、欣赏以语言地道以语言地道 逻辑连贯逻辑连贯 得高分得高分 Dear Tom,Dear Tom, How are you? How are you? I am writing to ask you to do me a I am writing to ask you to do me a favourfavour. My friend Li Ming . My friend Li Ming wants to wants to have a pen friend have a pen friend from your country and I appreciate it if you can h

37、elp from your country and I appreciate it if you can help him. (him. (写作写作目的目的+ +写作写作背景）背景） Li Ming is very Li Ming is very friendlyfriendly and and considerateconsiderate. He is . He is always ready to help others. always ready to help others. BesidesBesides, , he he has a wide has a wide range of

38、hobbiesrange of hobbies, , such asuch as playing football, singing, and s playing football, singing, and playing the guitar. playing the guitar. He wants He wants to have a pen friend who to have a pen friend who has a good character and has a good character and shares similar hobbies with shares si

39、milar hobbies with him. him. ( (简要介绍简要介绍李明）（李明）（指出指出李明对笔友的李明对笔友的要求要求） Faced with the above, Faced with the above, I am anxious to I am anxious to get help get help from you.If you know someone who is suitable , from you.If you know someone who is suitable , please tell me . please tell me . Thank yo

40、u Thank you very much. very much. ( (再次再次请求请求+ +表表达达感谢感谢) ) 参考范文参考范文写作之魂：内容要点，写作之魂：内容要点，语言词汇和逻辑连贯。语言词汇和逻辑连贯。 词汇精美词汇精美语言地道语言地道逻辑连贯逻辑连贯What to write aboutWhat to write about审题准确审题准确How to write it wellHow to write it well Writing Writing书面表达书面表达ConclusionConclusion 假定你是高三学生李华，你在网上看到假定你是高三学生李华，你在网上看到你所

41、心仪的大学即将举办你所心仪的大学即将举办20172017寒假自主寒假自主招生冬令营，你对此很感兴趣。请给该招生冬令营，你对此很感兴趣。请给该校负责人写一封信，提出申请，介绍个校负责人写一封信，提出申请，介绍个人参营的原因和优势并咨询相关情况。人参营的原因和优势并咨询相关情况。注意：注意：1. 1.词数词数100100左右；左右；2.2.可以适当增加细节，以适行文连贯。可以适当增加细节，以适行文连贯。PracticePractice实战演练实战演练 假定你是高三学生李华，你在网上看到你所心仪假定你是高三学生李华，你在网上看到你所心仪的大学即将举办的大学即将举办20172017寒假自主招生冬令营，你对寒假自主招生冬令营，你对此很感兴趣。请给该校负责人写一封信，提出申此很感兴趣。请给该校负责人写一封信，提出申请，请，介绍个人参营的原因和优势介绍个人参营的原因和优势并咨询相关情况。并咨询相关情况。注意：注意：1. 1.词数词数100100左右；左右；2.2.可以适当增加细节，以适行文连贯。可以适当增加细节，以适行文连贯。Practice Pra