Cabin Pressure - Ipswich.doc

CABIN PRESSURE 2x03 IpswichOPENING CREDITS - This week, Ipswich!DOUGLAS: Golf Tango India, continue as cleared. Thank you, Shannon.MARTIN: Do you want any more of this, Douglas?DOUGLAS: No, I dont think so, I think Im done.MARTIN: All right. Arthur!ARTHUR: Yeah, Skip.MARTIN: Cheese tray is now open to Arthurs.ARTHUR: Oh, brilliant! Thanks, chaps. Oh, wow, almost a whole squidgy one! (unwraps and chews loudly) Its funny, this is like something I saw on a wildlife show last night.DOUGLAS: I was just thinking something similar myself.ARTHUR: No, it was these African hunting dogs, and what theyve got is theyve got an alpha dog, beta dogs, and amigo dogs.MARTIN: Amigo dogs?DOUGLAS: Surely youve heard of amigo dogs. Spanish breed, very friendly, often found in threes.MARTIN: Omega? Do you mean omega?ARTHUR: (still chewing) Oh, yeah, maybe. Anyway, when they kill something, the alpha dog eats as much as he wants first, then the beta dogs have a go, and then the amigo dogs have the leftovers. And thats like us, isnt it?MARTIN: Well, not really, because Douglas and I share the cheese tray.ARTHUR: So?MARTIN: Well, so the alpha dog and the beta dog are eating together.DOUGLAS: And which is which, pray?MARTIN: I think thats perfectly obvious, dont you?DOUGLAS: Yes, I do.MARTIN: So do I.DOUGLAS: Good.ARTHUR: No, no, I meant youre the two beta dogs.MARTIN: What?ARTHUR: Because Mum always has the Camembert off the tray before I bring it in?MARTIN: What?!DOUGLAS: Theres Camembert?! We never get any Camembert!ARTHUR: Though thinking about it, that is a secret.MARTIN: Carolyn!(door opens)CAROLYN: Gentlemen!DOUGLAS: Carolyn, we have a complaint.CAROLYN: Oh dear me. Tell you what, why dont you write it down, put it in an envelope, tear it in half, throw it away and shut your face. In the mean time, attend: are you busy on Monday?MARTIN and DOUGLAS: Yes.CAROLYN: Quite right, full marks. Now, prepare to learn what it is you will be busy doing.MARTIN: No, Carolyn, Mondays a day off. Its been on the wall chart for ages.CAROLYN: Wall charts can lie, Martin, notoriously deceitful, the wall chart. Anyway, on Monday youll be delighted to learn I have booked us a refresher SEP course.MARTIN: Oh, no!DOUGLAS: Carolyn!ARTHUR: Whats a. that?MARTIN: Safety and Emergency Procedures. Amongst other things, jumping into a cold swimming pool in uniform and scrambling into life rafts.ARTHUR: Brilliant!MARTIN: No, thats a bad. Oh, never mind.DOUGLAS: Carolyn, I dont need a refresher.CAROLYN: course you do. Procedures change, Douglas. Aircraft change.DOUGLAS: The only time this aircraft changes is when another bit falls off it.CAROLYN: Well, procedures change.DOUGLAS: Is it still pull to go up, push to go down?CAROLYN: Yes.DOUGLAS: Im fine then.CAROLYN: You are all going, because if you dont, the CAA will stop you flying, and although Heaven knows thats not a bad idea, my job depends on preventing it.ARTHUR: Where is it?CAROLYN: Ipswich.ARTHUR: Oh, brilliant, where I went before. Will there be more learning how to understand people?CAROLYN: No, Arthur, I think you understand as much about people as you ever will.ARTHUR: Thanks, Mum, what a nice thing to say.CAROLYN: Case in point.(sounds of cars, loud honking)CAROLYN: Oh, pipe down! Do you not have overtaking in Ipswich?ARTHUR: Give me another one, Mum.CAROLYN: All right. How many loud hailers are there in the aft cabinet?ARTHUR: OK. And aft is the. one at the. front?CAROLYN: Back.ARTHUR: Back, back, I meant back.CAROLYN: The fore comes before the aft that comes after.DOUGLAS: I havent heard that one before.CAROLYN: Thats because no one but Arthur has ever needed a mnemonic for fore and aft.MARTIN: Two in the aft cabinet, none in the fore, one in the flight deck.CAROLYN: Yes, Martin, but please try and let Arthur answer one.DOUGLAS: How do you know all this stuff, Martin?MARTIN: It is my duty to be familiar with the safety equipment of the aircraft I command.DOUGLAS: Goodness. Harken to the mighty woof of the alpha dog.CAROLYN: What?DOUGLAS: Arthur was telling us about that documentary. Martin is labouring under the delusion that he is the alpha dog in this organisation.CAROLYN: Aha! Whereas you of course correctly reminded him that I am.DOUGLAS: You have the loudest bark, certainly, but I like to think I am the one who brings down the hartebeest.ARTHUR: Douglas, you give me a question.DOUGLAS: Oh, I dont know any of this stuff.MARTIN: Then how do you think youre gonna pass the exam?DOUGLAS: Luck.MARTIN: You cant rely on luck!DOUGLAS: You cant rely on luck.ARTHUR: Skip, you give me one.MARTIN: All right. At what number of passengers does it become compulsory to carry at least one flight attendant?ARTHUR: Well, we always carry at least one, so therefore. no passengers?MARTIN: No, nineteen.ARTHUR: Oh, all right. It depends though.MARTIN: No, no, it doesnt depend. The answer is nineteen.ARTHUR: Yeah, but if its somewhere nice Mum will come. Or if the passengers are important. Or if shes bored.MARTIN: Yes, but if you say any of that, youll fail, whereas if you say 19, you wont fail. Do you understand that? 19, 19 passengers, one cabin crew. 19.DOUGLAS: 19.MARTIN: 19.CAROLYN: Will you all please stop saying 19?ARTHUR: I didnt say 19!MARTIN: That is exactly the problem!(car stops)DR DUNCAN: Hello! Hello! Miss Knapp-Shappey?CAROLYN: Thats right, yes.DR DUNCAN: Hello, Im Dr Duncan, Peter Duncan, not the Peter Duncan.CAROLYN: Not which Peter Duncan?DR DUNCAN: Whos Peter Duncan?DR DUNCAN: Peter Duncan, from Blue Peter in the 80s. And Duncan Dares.ARTHUR: Oh yes, I remember him! He was great!DR DUNCAN: Yes, well, Im not him. A-ha-ha!ARTHUR: Oh.CAROLYN: Jolly good, now this is Captain Martin Crieff, First Officer Douglas Richardson-DR DUNCAN: Hello-CAROLYN: No, no, no, the other way around.MARTIN: Oh, for the love of.CAROLYN: And Arthur Shappey, steward.DR DUNCAN: Right, so, youre the advanced guard, are you?CAROLYN: How do you mean?DR DUNCAN: Well, just that the others havent arrived yet.CAROLYN: Which others would those be?DR DUNCAN: Well, the. rest of the airline?CAROLYN: Dr Duncan, you see before you. the airline! Drink us in.DR DUNCAN: Theres four hundred of you?CAROLYN: Are there though? Count again.DR DUNCAN: Not 400.CAROLYN: Four.DR DUNCAN: Right. Thats unfortunate. I should probably speak to catering. Anyway, welcome, Ill be looking after the classroom side of things, and Mr Sargent - Mr Sargent! Can I borrow you?MR SARGENT: Good morning!DR DUNCAN: After a quick CRM lecture, Mr Sargent will be putting you through the pool drill, then after lunch well have the exam and finally, Mr Sargent will take you through the smoke-filled fuselage.DOUGLAS: Metaphorically?MR SARGENT: No, sir, not metaphorically, sir, no. We ad a bit of a job gettin our ands on a metaphorical fuselage, sir, and even if you can track one down its a bugger to unfill it with a simile of some smoke.DOUGLAS: I see. Tell me, Mr Sargent, were you in the RAF by any chance?MR SARGENT: I certainly was.DOUGLAS: And were you a sergeant, Mr Sargent?MR SARGENT: No, sir, I wasnt a sergeant, because as we just established, I was in the RA bleedin F, not the bleedin army, so I was a warrant officer. But since my name is not Warren Tofficer, this occasioned no bleedin mirth whatsoever.DR DUNCAN: Right, good! Good to get that sorted out, now if youll excuse me, Im just gonna dash off and do what I can to hold back 400 quiches.MARTIN: Must you sit at the back, Douglas?DOUGLAS: I always sit at the back.MARTIN: But theres only two of us in a lecture theatre with 500 seats.DOUGLAS: Some of which are at the back.DR DUNCAN: Sorry Im late, chaps, trying to intercept the caterers.MARTIN: Did you manage?DR DUNCAN: No. Hope youve got an appetite. Right, Douglas, do you want to join us down here, maybe?DOUGLAS: No, Im fine.DR DUNCAN: Right, fair enough. All right, well, um, why dont we come and join you at the back?MARTIN: Oh, for goodness sake.(sound of footsteps)DR DUNCAN: Now then, I want to talk to you today about the potentially dangerous mindsets a pilot can get themselves into, and in particular what are known as the six deadly Is. These are.MARTIN: Impatience, impulsivity, invulnerability, insecurity, indecision and I know best.DR DUNCAN: Absolutely, yes, gosh, well done. So, lets take them one by one. I know best is the anti-authority attitude that rules and regulations dont apply to you, that you make up your own laws. Now, I dont know if either of you have ever flown with anyone like that-MARTIN: Yeah, me, I have, yes, I definitely have.DR DUNCAN: Right, well, dont name any names.MARTIN: Oh no, no, no, certainly not, no, no, no, lets um, lets call him. Dougal. Dougal ignores safety briefings, tech checks, he can barely be persuaded to file a flight plan, he basically thinks hes always right.DOUGLAS: Has it occurred to you that maybe Dougal is always right?MARTIN: Hah, its definitely occurred to Dougal.DR DUNCAN: O-kay. Great. Well next, impulsivity. Thats the tendency of some pilots to panic under pressure, to do the first thing they think of just for the sake of doing something. Now again, you may never have.DOUGLAS: Actually, that does ring a little bell.DR DUNCAN: Oh well, again, without naming names.DOUGLAS: No, that would be the height of iniquity. Well, this chap, could be literally any of the other pilots in MJN Air, lets call him Marvin, once requested an emergency landing because his watch went off.MARTIN: It was a new watch with a very odd alarm.DOUGLAS: Oh. Have you flown with Marvin, Martin? Curious chap, isnt he?DR DUNCAN: Then theres insecurity - always trying to prove hes as good a pilot as anyone else.DOUGLAS: Marvin.DR DUNCAN: Impatience - sacrifices procedure or even safety to save time.MARTIN: Dougal.DR DUNCAN: .and finally indecision: getting caught in the headlights of a problem and being unable to settle on a plan of action.DOUGLAS: And Marvin.MARTIN: I thought you said Marvin impulsively did the first thing he thought of!DOUGLAS: Amazingly, he manages to combine both, doing whichever is least appropriate to the situation.DR DUNCAN: OK, well, whats good here is that were fostering a real openness between the two of you.DOUGLAS: Yes, that is good, isnt it?MARTIN: Hmm, well done us!CAROLYN: All right. Where are the asbestos fire gloves kept?ARTHUR: Yes, brilliant, I know this one. In the galley, on top of the microwave.CAROLYN: No, theyre behind the captains seat.ARTHUR: Theyre not, though. Theyre on top of the microwave.CAROLYN: Yes, I know thats where they actually are-ARTHUR: Right then.CAROLYN: -but thats not where you should say they are.ARTHUR: Why not?CAROLYN: Because we probably shouldnt let the CAA examiner know we use vital safety equipment as oven gloves.(MR SARGENT coughs)CAROLYN: Ah, Mr Sargent. I was just.MR SARGENT: I didnt hear a thing, Madam. In the Air Force we used to use the CO2 fire extinguishers to cool the beer. Just dont let Dr Duncan hear you. Speaking of whom, Madam, the good doctor asked if you could bring your company portfolio to him in the seminar room.CAROLYN: The seminar room?MR SARGENT: Oh yes. How would we won the Battle of Britain if we hadnt had portfolios in the seminar room?CAROLYN: Yees, of course. Arthur, stay here and keep revising.(CAROLYN exits, closes door)MR SARGENT: Youre having trouble revising, are you?ARTHUR: Yeah, Im not at my best with exams and stuff.MR SARGENT: What are you at your best at?ARTHUR: Er. Probably crazy golf.MR SARGENT: All right, well, look, you didnt hear this from me, but should I tell you an interesting thing about the passenger oxygen generators in your aircraft?ARTHUR: Oh, yeah, please!MR SARGENT: They produce oxygen for exactly twelve minutes.ARTHUR: Thats not very interesting.MR SARGENT: Oh yes, it is.ARTHUR: No, its not.MR SARGENT: See, if I was a young lad studying for an exam, I might find it very interesting indeed.ARTHUR: Oh, right, because it might come up!MR SARGENT: Oh, I am certainly not telling you that, Im merely saying its a possibility.ARTHUR: Oh. Well, thanks, but no, I dont think so. It sounds like its mainly gonna be stuff about where stuff is.MR SARGENT: Right, so you dont reckon thats the sort of thing theyd ask, whereas I, as someone who works in the test centre, reckons its exactly the sort of thing theyd ask. Well, well just have to agree to disagree.ARTHUR: OK.MR SARGENT: Youre an idiot.ARTHUR: I know! Thats why Im worried!DR DUNCAN: All right, so, in this session.DOUGLAS: Hang on, wheres Martin?DR DUNCAN: Oh, this is a break-out group, just for the first officers.DOUGLAS: All one of us.DR DUNCAN: Yes, I see what you mean, but best to stick to the plan, you see, a common problem in flight decks with poor crew resource management is that the first officer is overly in awe of the captain.DOUGLAS: Is it now.?DR DUNCAN: Yes, now, the method I want to teach you is the five step statement. So, Douglas, imagine youve noticed a problem, but youre shy of bringing it up with your captain. Step one.DOUGLAS: Hang on.DR DUNCAN: Yes?DOUGLAS: No, its just this is going to need really quite a lot of imagination. (long pause) OK, got it.DR DUNCAN: OK. Step one.DOUGLAS: No, its gone again.DR DUNCAN: Step one: first you get his attention. Now depending on how you get on, that might be Excuse me, sir or Er, captain?DOUGLAS: Mhm.DR DUNCAN: Or, in an informal flight deck, it might just be Hey, chief!DOUGLAS: Might it really?DR DUNCAN: Yes. So, step two: state your concern in a non-confrontational manner. Hey, chief, I might be wrong.DOUGLAS: I might be wrong?!DR DUNCAN: Yes. Thats a good trick for taking the sting out of it. I might be wrong, but I think were low on fuel. Step three: let him know how you feel about this. This makes me feel uneasy. Step four: propose a solution. One thing we could do is reduce our speed. Step five: obtain buy into your idea. How does that sound to you?DOUGLAS: Well, frankly, it sounds like the biggest load of-DR DUNCAN: No, no-no, thats what you might say: How does that sound to you?DOUGLAS: Ah.DR DUNCAN: So, do you want to roleplay that through now, Douglas?DOUGLAS: I would love to. Hey, chief, I might be wrong, but I think were flying into a mountain. This makes me feel. scared of the mountain. One thing we could do is pull up and fly over the mountain. How does that sound to - pwoooochhh?DR DUNCAN: Yes. Of course. In that situation you might need to react a little more instinctively.DOUGLAS: Oh, do you think so?(sound of whistle)MR SARGENT: All right, lady and gentlemen. Welcome to the pool drill! No doubt Dr Duncans given you some fascinating glimpses into the psychology of the aviational mind, but what were gonna do now is check you know how to get off your burning aircraft and into your nice safe floaty boat.ARTHUR: Mr Sargent?MR SARGENT: Yes, sir.ARTHUR: This is brilliant!MR SARGENT: Good. Right then. So, there you are, up in your little plane somewhere above the North Atlantic, when suddenly, oh dearie me, beep-beep-beep, two engine failures. Not the best in use, seeing as you only have two engines, and you have to glide to a false landing. The exercise begins just as you have glid the plane to sea level.DOUGLAS: Sorry, glid?MR SARGENT: Yes, glid. Theres something funny about that?DOUGLAS: Not in the least, no, Im very glad we glid.MR SARGENT: Right. And when I blow my whistle, jump into the pool, inflate the life raft, and conduct standard emergency procedure.(MR SARGENT blows whistle)ARTHUR: Hurray!(ARTHUR jumps in pool with a big splash)MR SARGENT: Good lad! Well, come on, the rest of you, in, in, in!CAROLYN: Yes, all right, Im getting in! Oh-ah-ah-ah-ah, oh God its cold!MR SARGENT: Yes, madam, this is what we tend to find in the North bleeding Atlantic Ocean, and what about you two, come on, in!MARTIN: Yes, um, Im just putting in my ear plugs.MR SARGENT: You dont need bleedin ear plugs, sir!MARTIN: I do, actually, I have a slight abnormality of the inner ear, I-I cant go swimming without-MR SARGENT: Get yourself in the bleedin pool, sir! Now!MARTIN: Aah!(MARTIN splashes in the pool)(sound of water sploshing)DOUGLAS: Arthur, heres the dinghy. Catch!(dinghy sploshes in pool)ARTHUR: Thanks, Douglas! So now, what do I, just pull this. (dinghy inflates with huge whoosh) Whoaaa, look at that!MR SARGENT: ey, sir, why are you not in the pool?DOUGLAS: First officer retrieves dinghy, conveys it to cabin crew.MR SARGENT: Yes, well, first officer has done that, now first officer gets in the bleedin pool himself!DOUGLAS: I think not.MR SARGENT: I dont care whether or not you bleedin well think so, get in the pool!DOUGLAS: No. You see, the problem is I was never in the RAF, so rather sadly Ive never managed to cultivate a fear of shouty red-faced little men with