奥布莱恩演讲

1、PAGE 美国著名名脱口秀秀主持人人柯南奥布莱莱恩为220111年达特特茅斯学学院做了了毕业致致辞。前前半部分分有很多多搞笑串串场，后后半部分分柯南跟跟大家分分享了自自己的经经历和人人生经验验：正是是那些既既定想法法的失败败，才使使我们成成为独一一无二的的人！以以下是演演讲全文文：Ivee beeen livvingg inn Loos AAngeeless foor ttwo yeaars, annd IIvee neeverr beeen thiis ccoldd inn myy liife. I willl ppay anyyonee heere $3000 ffor GORRE-TTE

2、X gloovess. AAnybbodyy. IIm serriouus. I hhavee thhe ccashh.Befoore I bbegiin, I mmustt poointt ouut tthatt beehinnd mme ssitss a higghlyy addmirred Preesiddentt off thhe UUnitted Staatess annd ddecooratted warr heero whiile I, a ccablle tteleevissionn taalk shoow hhostt, hhas beeen cchossen to staa

3、nd herre aand imppartt wiisdoom. I pprayy I nevver wittnesss aa moore dammninng eexammplee off whhat is wroong witth AAmerricaa toodayy.Gradduattes, faacullty, paarennts, reelattivees, undderggradduattes, annd oold peooplee thhat jusst ccomee too thhesee thhinggs: Goood mmornningg annd cconggrattula

4、atioons to thee Daartmmoutth CClasss oof 220111. TTodaay, youu haave achhievved sommethhingg sppeciial, soometthinng oonlyy 922 peerceent of Ameericcanss yoour agee wiill eveer kknoww: aa coolleege dipplomma. Thaatss riightt, wwithh yoour colllegge ddipllomaa yoou nnow havve aa crrushhingg addvannta

5、gge ooverr 8 perrcennt oof tthe worrkfoorcee. IIm tallkinng aabouut ddroppoutt looserrs llikee Biill Gattes, Sttevee Joobs, annd MMarkk Zuuckeerbeerg. Innciddenttallly, speeakiing of Mr. Zuuckeerbeerg, onnly at Harrvarrd wwoulld ssomeeonee haave to invventt a masssivve ssociial nettworrk jjustt too

6、taalk witth ssomeeonee inn thhe nnextt rooom.My ffirsst jjob as youur ccommmenccemeent speeakeer iis tto iilluustrratee thhat liffe iis nnot faiir. Forr exxampple, yoou hhavee woorkeed ttireelessslyy foor ffourr yeearss too eaarn thee diiplooma youulll bee reeceiivinng tthiss weeekeend.Thatt waas gg

7、reaat.And Darrtmoouthh iss giivinng mme tthe samme ddegrree forr innterrvieewinng tthe fouurthh leead in Twiiligght. Deeal witth iit. Anootheer eexammplee thhat liffe iis nnot faiir: if it doees rrainn, tthe powwerfful ricch ppeopple on staage gett thhe ttentt. DDeall wiith it.I woouldd liike to tha

8、ank Preesiddentt Kiim ffor invvitiing me herre ttodaay. Aftter my phoone calll wwithh Prresiidennt KKim, I deccideed tto ffindd ouut aa liittlle bbit aboout thee maan. He goees bby PPressideent Kimm annd DDr. Kimm. TTo hhis friiendds, hes JJim Kimm, JJ too thhe KK, SSpecciall K, JKK Roowliing, thhe

9、JJustt Kiiddiing Kimmsteer, andd moost puzzzliing, SStinnky Pette. Hee seerveed aas tthe chaair of thee Deeparrtmeent of Glooball Heealtth aand Socciall Meediccinee att HaarvaardMMediicallSchhooll, sspeaarheeadeed aa taask forrce forr thhe WWorlld HHeallth Orgganiizattionn onn Gllobaal HHeallth Inii

10、tiaativves, woon aa MaacArrthuur GGeniius Graant, annd wwas onee off TIIME Maggaziines 1100 Mosst IInflluenntiaal PPeopple in 20006. Goood GGod, maan, whaat tthe helll aare youu coompeensaatinng ffor? Seerioouslly. We gett itt. YYoure smaart. Byy thhe wway Dr. Kiim, youu weere brooughht tto DDarttmo

11、uuth to leaad, andd ass a worrld-claass antthroopollogiist, yoou wweree allso hirred to figguree ouut wwhy eacch oof tthesse ggradduattingg sttudeentss raan aarouund a bbonffiree 1111 ttimees.But I tthannk yyou forr innvittingg mee heere, Sttinkky PPetee, aand it is an honnor. Thhouggh ssomee off yo

12、ou mmay seee mee ass a cellebrrityy, yyou shoouldd knnow thaat II onnce satt whheree yoou ssit. Liiterrallly. Latte llastt niightt I snuuck outt heere andd saat iin eeverry sseatt. II diid iit tto pprovve aa poointt: II amm noot bbrigght andd I havve aa loot oof ffreee tiime.But thiis iis aa woondee

13、rfuul ooccaasioon aand it is greeat to be herre iin NNew Hammpshhiree, wwherre II amm geettiing an honnoraary deggreee annd aall thee leegall fiirewworkks II caan ffit in thee trrunkk off myy caar.You knoow, Neww Haampsshirre iis ssuchh a speeciaal pplacce. Wheen II arrrivved I ttookk a deeep bbreaa

14、th of thiis ccrissp NNew Engglannd aair andd thhougght, WWow, Im iin tthe staate thaatss neext to thee sttatee whheree Been aand Jerrrys iice creeam is madde.But donnt gett mee wrrongg, II taake my tassk ttodaay vveryy seerioouslly. Wheen II goot tthe calll ttwo monnthss aggo tto bbe yyourr sppeakke

15、r, I deccideed tto pprepparee wiith thee saame inttenssityy maany of youu haave devvoteed tto aan iimpoortaant terrm ppapeer. So latte llastt niightt, II beegann. II drrankk twwo ccanss off Reed BBulll, ssnorrtedd soome Addderaall, pllayeed aa feew hhourrs oof CCalll off Duuty, annd tthenn oppeneed

16、mmy bbrowwserr. II thhinkk Wiikippediia pput it besst wwhenn thhey saiid DarrtmoouthhColllegge iis aa prrivaate IvyyLeaagueeUniiverrsitty iin HHanooverr, Neew HHamppshiire, Unniteed SStattes. TThannk yyou andd goood lucck.To ccommmuniicatte wwithh yoou sstuddentts ttodaay, I hhavee goone to greeat l

17、enngthhs tto bbecoome welll-vverssed in youur uuniqque linnguiistiic ppattternns. In facct, jusst tthiss moorniing I lleftt Baakerr Beerryy wiith my triipeee Baarryy too eaat aa Biillyy Boob aat tthe Bemma wwhenn myy fllitzz too Frranccescca wwas Bliitz jacckedd byy soome d-bbag on hiss FSSP.Yes, Iv

18、e donne mmy rreseearcch. Thiis ccolllegee waas nnameed aafteer tthe Seccondd Eaarl of Darrtmoouthh, aa goood friiendd off thhe TThirrd EEarll off UCC Saantaa Crruz andd thhe DDukee off thhe BBarbbizoon SSchoool of Beaautyy. YYourr scchoool mmottto iis Voxx cllamaantiis iin ddeseertoo, whiich meaans

19、Vooicee crryinng oout in thee wiildeerneess. TThiss iss eaasilly tthe mosst ppathhetiic sschoool mottto I hhavee evver heaard. Appparrenttly, itt naarroowlyy beeat outt SSileentlly WWeeppingg inn Thhickk Shhrubb aand Whhimpperiing in Moiist Leaavess wiithoout Pannts. YYourr scchoool ccoloor iis ggre

20、een, andd thhis collor wass chhoseen bby FFredderiick Mattherr inn 18867 beccausse, andd thhis is truueII loookeed iit uupit wass thhe oonlyy coolorr thhat hadd noot bbeenn taakenn allreaady. II caannoot rremeembeer hhearringg annythhingg soo saad. Darrtmoouthh, yyou havve aan iinfeeriooritty ccompp

21、lexx, aand youu shhoulld nnot. Yoou hhavee grraduuateed mmoree grreatt fiictiitioous Ameericcanss thhan anyy ottherr coolleege. Meereddithh Grrey of Greeyss Annatoomy. Peete Cammpbeell froom MMad Menn. MMichhaell Coorleeonee frrom Thee Goodfaatheer. In facct, I llookk foorwaard to nexxt yyearrs Vall

22、ediictoory Adddresss bby yyourr essteeemedd cllasssmatte, Couunt Chooculla. Of couursee, yyourr grreattestt fiictiitioous graaduaate is Treeasuury Seccrettaryy Tiimotthy Geiithnner. Maan, cann yoou iimagginee iff a reaal TTreaasurry SSecrretaary madde tthosse kkindds oof ddeciisioons? Haa haa haa ha

23、a haa haa haa haa haa haa haa. NNow I kknoww whhat youuree gooingg too saay, Darrtmoouthh, yyoure goiing to sayy, wwelll WWevve ggot Dr. Seeusss. Welll gguesss wwhatt, wwerre aall tirred of heaarinng aabouut DDr. Seuuss. Faace it: Thhe mman rhyymedd faaflooozlle wwithh saaznooozlle. In thee liiterra

24、ryy coommuunitty, thaatss caalleed ccheaatinng.Yourr innseccuriity is so greeat, Daartmmoutth, thaat yyou donnt eveen tthinnk yyou desservve aa reeal poddiumm. IIm sorrry. Whhat thee heell is thiis tthinng? It loooks likke yyou stoole it froom tthe sett off Suurviivorr: NNovaa Sccotiia. Serriouuslyy

25、, iit llookks llikee soometthinng aa beear wouuld usee att ann AAA meeetiing.No, Darrtmoouthh, yyou musst sstannd ttalll. RRaisse yyourr heeadss hiigh andd feeel prooud.Becaausee iff Haarvaard, Yaale, annd PPrinncetton aree yoour sellf-iinvoolveed, vaiin, namme-ddropppinng ooldeer bbrottherrs, youu

26、arre tthe coool, sexxuallly connfiddentt, llacrrossse pplayyingg yooungger sibblinng wwho knoows howw too thhroww a parrty andd loookss goood in a ddownn veest. Brrownn, oof ccourrse, iss yoour lessbiaan ssistter whoo neeverr leeavees hher rooom. Andd Peenn, Coolummbiaa, aand Corrnelllwwelll, ffrann

27、klyy, wwho givves a sshitt.Yes, Ive alwwayss haad aa sppeciial bonnd wwithh thhis schhooll. IIn ffactt, tthiss iss myy seeconnd ttimee coominng hheree. WWhenn I wass 177 yeearss olld aand touurinng ccolllegees, wayy baack in thee faall of 19880, I ccamee too Daartmmoutth. Darrtmoouthh waas aa veery

28、diffferrentt pllacee baack theen. I mmadee thhe ttripp upp frrom Bosstonn onn a mulle aand, affterr asskinng tthe blaackssmitth iin WWestt Leeb ffor dirrecttionns, I ccamee too thhis beaautiifull caampuus. No dorrmittoriies hadd beeen buiilt yett, sso II sttayeed wwithh a fammilyy off fuur ttradders

29、s inn Whhitee Riiverr Juuncttionn. IIt ssnowwed heaavilly dduriing my vissit andd I wass trrappped herre ffor fouur mmontths. I wass foorceed tto eeat thee muule, whho aa weeek earrlieer hhad beeen fforcced to eatt thhe ffur traaderrs. Stiill, I lovved Darrtmoouthh annd II voowedd too reeturrn.But f

30、atte ddeallt aa heeavyy bllow. Wiith no monney, I wass foorceed tto eenrooll in a ssmalll, loccal commmutter schhooll, aa puulsaatinng ssoree onn a mudddy elbbow of thee Chharlles Rivver. I wass a misseraablee wrretcch, andd too thhis dayy I cannnott heelp butt woondeer: Whaat iif II haad ggonee too

31、 Daartmmoutth?If II haad ggonee too Daartmmoutth, I mmighht hhavee sppentt att leeastt soome of my colllegge yyearrs ooutssidee annd ttodaay II miightt noot bbe aalleergiic tto aall plaant liffe, as welll aas mmostt tyypess off roock.If II haad ggonee too Daartmmoutth, rigght noww Id bbe wwearringg

32、a fleeecee thhongg innsteead of a llacee thhongg.If II haad ggonee too Daartmmoutth, I sstilll wwoulldnt kknoww thhe ssecoond verrse to Deear Oldd Daartmmoutth. Faace it, noone of youu doo. YYou alll muumblle tthatt paart.If II haad ggonee too Daartmmoutth, Idd haave a lliveer tthe sizze aand connsi

33、sstenncy of a bbeann baag cchaiir.Finaallyy, iif II haad ggonee too Daartmmoutth, todday Idd bee geettiing an honnoraary deggreee att Haarvaard. Immagiine howw awwesoome thaat wwoulld bbe.You aree a greeat schhooll, aand youu deeserrve a hhisttoriic ccommmenccemeent adddresss. Thaatss riightt, II wa

34、ant my messsagge ttodaay tto bbe fforeeverr reememmberred beccausse iit cchanngedd thhe wworlld. To do thiis, I mmustt suuggeest groounddbreeakiing pollicyy. WWinsstonn Chhurcchilll ggavee hiis ffamoous Irron Currtaiin speeechh att WeestmminssterrColllegge iin 119466. JJFK outtlinned hiss nuucleear

35、dissarmmameent pollicyy att AmmeriicannUniiverrsitty iin 119633. TTodaay, I wwoulld llikee too seet ffortth mmy oown pollicyy heere at Darrtmoouthh: II caall it Thhe CConaan DDocttrinne. Unnderr TThe Connan Docctriine:- Alll bbachheloor ddegrreess wiill be upggradded to massterrs deggreees. Alll maa

36、steerss deegreees willl bbe uupgrradeed tto PPhDss. AAnd alll MBBA sstuddentts wwilll bee immmeddiattelyy trranssferrredd too a whiite colllarr prrisoon.- Unnderr TThe Connan Docctriine, WWintter Carrnivval willl bbecoome Winnterr Caarniivalle aand be movved to Rioo. CClotthinng wwilll bee opptioona

37、ll, aall exppensses paiid bby tthe Aluumnii Asssocciattionn.- Yoour niccknaame, thhe BBig Greeen, wiill be chaangeed tto ssomeethiing morre kkickk-asss llikee TThe Jadde BBladde, thhe Seaafoaam AAvenngerr, or simmplyy LLimee-Ziillaa.- Thhe DD-Pllan andd qquarrterr syysteem willl ffinaallyy bee uppda

38、tted to thhe oone sixxty-fouurthh syysteem. Seemessterrs wwilll laast thrree dayys. Stuudennts willl bbe eencoouraagedd too taake 48 semmestterss offf. Theey mmustt, hhoweeverr, bbe oon ccamppus durringg thheirr Soophoomorre 44th of Jully.- Unnderr TThe Connan Docctriine, II wiill re-insstatte TTube

39、estoock. Annd II wiill punnishh thhosee whho ttrieed tto rrepllacee itt wiith Fieeldsstocck. Rafftinng aand beeer aare a mmuchh beetteer ccombbinaatioon tthann a fieeld andd a beeer. I hhapppen to knoow tthatt inn twwo yyearrs, theey wweree gooingg too doownggradde FFielldsttockk too Deesksstocck, s

40、evven houurs of funn siittiing quiietlly aat yyourr deesk. Doontt leet tthosse bbasttardds ddo iit.And finnallly, undder Thhe CConaan DDocttrinne, alll ccommmenccemeent speeakeers whoo shhameelessslyy paandeer wwithh chheapp, iinsiide reffereencees ddesiigneed tto gget chiildiish appplauuse, wiill b

41、e forrcedd too appoloogizzetto tthe greeateest graaduaatinng cclasss iin tthe hisstorry oof tthe worrld. Daartmmoutth cclasss oof 220111 ruuless!Besiidess pooliccy, anootheer hhalllmarrk oof ggreaat ccommmenccemeent speeechhes is deeep, proofouund advvicee liike reeachh foor tthe staars. WWelll tood

42、ayy, II amm noot ggoinng tto wwastte yyourr tiime witth eemptty cclicchss. IInstteadd, II amm gooingg too giive youu reeal, prractticaal aadviice thaat yyou willl nneedd too knnow if youu arre ggoinng tto ssurvvivee thhe nnextt feew yyearrs.- Fiirstt, aadullt aacnee laastss loongeer tthann yoou tthi

43、nnk. I aalmoost canncellledd twwo ddayss aggo bbecaausee I hadd a zitt onn myy eyye.- Guuys, thhis is impporttantt: YYou cannnott irron a sshirrt wwhille wwearringg itt.- Heeres aanottherr onne. If youu liive on Rammen Nooodlees ffor tooo loong, yoou llosee alll ffeellinggs iin yyourr haandss annd y

44、yourr sttooll beecommes a wwhitte ggel.- Annd ffinaallyy, wwearringg coolorrfull Coonveersee hiigh-topps bbeneeathh yoour graaduaatioon rrobee iss a greeat wayy too teell youur cclasssmaatess thhat thiis iis jjustt thhe ffirsst oof mmanyy hoorriiblee deecissionns yyou plaan tto mmakee wiith thee ree

45、st of youur llifee.Of ccourrse theere aree maany parrentts hheree annd II haave reaal aadviice forr thhem as welll. Parrentts, youu shhoulld wwritte tthiss doown:- Maany of youur cchilldreen yyou havvent sseenn thhem in fouur yyearrs. Welll, noww yoou aare aboout to seee thhem eveery dayy whhen thee

46、y ccomee ouut oof tthe bassemeent to telll yyou thee wii-fii issntt woorkiing.- Iff yoour chiild majjoreed iin ffinee arrts or phiilossophhy, youu haave goood rreasson to be worrrieed. Thee onnly plaace wheere theey aare noww reeallly qquallifiied to gett a jobb iss anncieent Greeecee. GGoodd luuck

47、witth tthatt deegreee.- Thhe ttraffficc toodayy onn Eaast Wheeeloock is goiing to be murrderr, sso ooncee thhey staart hanndinng oout dipplommas, yoou sshouuld sliip oout in thee miiddlle oof tthe Kss.And, I havve tto ttelll yoou tthiss:- Yoou wwilll sppendd moore monney fraaminng yyourr chhildds di

48、pplomma tthann thhey willl eearnn inn thhe nnextt siix mmontths. Itts touugh outt thheree, sso bbe ppatiientt. TThe onlly ppeopple hirringg riightt noow aare Panneraa Brreadd annd MMexiicann drrug carrtells.Yes, yoou ppareentss muust be pattiennt bbecaausee itt iss inndeeed aa grrim jobb maarkeet oo

49、ut theere. Annd oone of thee reeasoons its sso ttouggh ffinddingg woork is thaat aaginng bbabyy booomeers reffusee too leeavee thheirr joobs. Trrustt mee onn thhis. Evven wheen ttheyy prromiise youu foor ffivee yeearss thhat theey aare goiing to leaaveandd saay iit oon tteleevissionnI meaan yyou can

50、n goo onn YoouTuube rigght noww annd wwatcch tthe guyy doo itt, ttherre iis nno gguarranttee theey wwont ccomee baack. Off cooursse IIm speeakiing genneraallyy.But enooughh. TThiss iss noot aa tiime forr grrim proognoostiicattionns oor nnegaativvityy. NNo, I ccamee heere todday beccausse, bellievve

51、iit oor nnot, I acttuallly do havve ssomeethiing reaal tto ttelll yoou.Elevven yeaars agoo I gavve aan aaddrresss too a graaduaatinng cclasss aat HHarvvardd. II haave nott sppokeen aat aa grraduuatiion sinnce beccausse II thhougght I hhad notthinng lleftt too saay. Butt thhen 20110 ccamee. AAnd noww

52、 Im hheree, tthreee tthouusannd mmilees ffromm myy hoome, beecauuse I llearrnedd a harrd bbut proofouund lesssonn laast yeaar aand Idd liike to shaare it witth yyou. Inn 20000, I tolld ggradduattes Doontt bee affraiid tto ffaill. Welll nnow Imm heere to telll yyou thaat, thooughh yoou sshouuld nott

53、feear faiilurre, youu shhoulld ddo yyourr veery besst tto aavoiid iit. Nieetzsschee faamouuslyy saaid Whhateeverr dooesnnt killl yyou makkes youu sttronngerr. Butt whhat he faiiledd too sttresss iis tthatt itt allmosst kkillls yyou. Diisapppoiintmmentt sttinggs aand, foor ddrivven, suucceessfful peo

54、oplee liike youurseelvees iit iis ddisoorieentiing. Whhat Nieetzsschee shhoulld hhavee saaid is Whhateeverr dooesnnt killl yyou, maakess yoou wwatcch aa loot oof CCarttoonn Neetwoork andd drrinkk miid-ppricce CCharrdonnnayy att 111 inn thhe mmornningg.Now, byy deefinnitiion, Coommeenceemennt sspeaak

55、errs aat aan IIvy Leaaguee coolleege aree coonsiiderred succcesssfuul. Butt a litttlee ovver a yyearr aggo, I eexpeerieenceed aa prrofooundd annd vveryy puubliic ddisaappoointtmennt. I ddid nott geet wwhatt I wanntedd, aand I lleftt a sysstemm thhat hadd nuurtuuredd annd hhelpped deffinee mee foor t

56、the bettterr paart of 17 yeaars. I wennt ffromm beeingg inn thhe ccentter of thee grrid to nott onnly offf thhe ggridd, bbut unddernneatth tthe cofffeee taablee thhat thee grrid sitts oon, losst iin tthe shaag ccarppetiing thaat iis uundeerneeathh thhe ccofffee tabble suppporrtinng tthe griid. It wa

57、ss thhe mmakiing of a ccareeer dissastter, annd aa teerriiblee annaloogy.But theen ssomeethiing speectaacullar happpenned. Foogbooundd, wwithh noo coompaass, annd aadriift, I staarteed ttryiing thiingss. II grrew a sstraangee, ccinnnamoon bbearrd. I ddovee innto thee woorldd off soociaal mmediia. I

58、sstarrtedd twweettingg myy coomeddy. I tthreew ttogeetheer aa naatioonall toour. I plaayedd thhe gguittar. I didd sttandd-upp, wworee a skiin-ttighht bbluee leeathher suiit, reccordded an albbum, maade a ddocuumenntarry, andd frrighhtenned my friiendds aand fammilyy. UUltiimattelyy, II abbanddoneed

59、aall preeconnceiivedd peerceeptiionss off myy caareeer ppathh annd sstatturee annd ttookk a jobb onn baasicc caablee wiith a nnetwworkk moost fammouss foor sshowwingg reerunns, aloong witth ssitccomss crreatted by a ttalll, bblacck mman whoo drressses likke aan oold, bllackk woomann. II diid aa loot

60、 oof ssillly, uncconvventtionnal, spponttaneeouss annd sseemminggly irrratiionaal tthinngs andd guuesss whhat: wiith thee exxcepptioon oof tthe bluue lleattherr suuit, itt waas tthe mosst ssatiisfyyingg annd ffasccinaatinng yyearr off myy prrofeessiionaal llifee. TTo tthiss daay II sttilll doontt un