伴你一程整理Youx27reSimplyNotThatBigofaDeal别把自己太当回事儿

1、You're Simply Not That Big of a Deal 另I把自己太当回事儿By Melissa DahlThere is a meme that speaks directly to the hearts and minds of the overly self-conscious. Perhaps you' ve seen it; it goes something like this:' Brain: "I see youare trying to sleep. May I offer you a selection of your m

2、ost embarrassing memories from the past 10 years? ' 有一句流行语扎了那些过于自我的人的心.也许你已经看过 了：话是这么说的：“大脑：我注意到您要睡了.我能为您 放送过去10年来您最为难的回忆集锦吗At first, it seems odd to think that this meme is so popular among those of us whom you would call 'millennials ' , who grew up steeped in the self-esteem movement

3、of the 1990s. We were raised, after all, to love ourselves, not to quietly torture ourselves with decade-old memories. We were taught in classroom exercises how special we were, the prevailing pop-psych theory of the day being that high self-esteem would carry us to success.乍一想到这个梗在我们这些被称为“千禧一代的人中如此

4、 受欢迎似乎很奇怪.这批人在20世纪90年代的自尊运动中 长大.毕竟,我们从小到大被教导要爱自己,别静悄悄地用 陈年往事折磨自己.我们在课堂练习中被教导我们有多么特 别,那个时代盛行的流行心理学理论认为高度的自尊会带着 我们走向成功.And yet this turns out to be poor preparation for dealing with the everyday embarrassments of being human. Instead of single-mindedly trying to love yourself, may I suggest a self-dir

5、ected attitude that has been famously called the opposite of love: indifference.然而结果却是我们没能准备好应对那些生而为人所必经的 日常为难.别光临着一心一意的爱自己,请允许我提由一种 自我导向的态度作为替代,这种态度十分由名,被称为爱的 对立面：淡然.In the 2000s, as the self-esteem movement was ageing, psychology researchers began publishing a series of papers on something called

6、self-compassion, which Kristin Neff at the University of Texas at Austin in 2003 defined this way:在21世纪前10年,随着自尊运动日薄西山,心理学研究人 员开始发表一系列关于自悯的论文,2003年德克萨斯大学奥斯汀分校的克丽丝廷内夫将其定义为：Being open to and moved by one' s own suffering,experiencing feelings of caring and kindness toward oneself, taking an unders

7、tanding, nonjudgmental attitude toward one ' s inadequacies and failures, and recognising that one ' s own experience is part of the common human experience.接受自己的痛苦并为自己的痛苦而感动,感受对自己的关心与善意, 对自己的缺乏与失败采取理解、不偏不倚的态度,并且熟悉到自己的 经历是人之共有.Back then,much of this work sought to contrastself-compassion wit

8、h self-esteem. Consider one study that relatesto the aforementioned meme, in whichresearchers asked college students to recall an embarrassing high-school memory. Some of the students were then given writing prompts meant to bring out their self-compassionate side; they were told to “list ways in wh

9、ich other people also experience similar events, and to express “ understanding, kindness, and concern to themselves in the same way that they might express concern to a friend. " In contrast, other students were given writing prompts intended to stoke their self-esteem:they were told to“writed

10、own their incident wasn' t really their fault and that, anyhow, the event “does not really indicate anything about the kind of person they are. positive characteristicsand to describe why an当时,这类研究有很多是将自悯与自尊进行比照.在一项研 究中,研究人员要求大学生回想一段高中时期发生的为难记 忆.然后,一些学生会收到用来引导由他们自悯的那一面的 写作提示：他们被要求“列由其他人也会经历类似事件的

11、方 式,并“像关心朋友那样表达对自己的理解、善意和关心.作为比照,其他学生得到的写作提示那么是为了激发由他们的 自尊：他们被要求“写下他们的积极特征,并描述为什么 莫件事情并非他们的错-而且,无论如何,那件事情“并不 能真正反映他们是什么样的人.The point, the researchers go on to argue in that paper, subtitled“The Implications of Treating OneselfKindly, " is that the tenets of self-esteem will tell you to try to c

12、onvince yourself that the stupid thingyou did wasn' t really all that stupid or if it was, that it was someone else ' s fault. Self-esteem tellsyou to focus on all your wonderful, positive qualities.In contrast, self-compassion says it ' s best to acknowledge your own role in an unflatte

13、ring moment;when the memories come back at night, aself-compassionate person will say to herself:" Huh,yeah that really was pretty embarrassing.研究人员在那篇副标题为“善待自己的意义的论文中继续 论述道：关键是自尊的原那么会让你尽力说服自己,你干的蠢 事儿其实并没有那么蠢-如果确实很蠢的话,那也是别人 的错.自尊要你关注自身所有美好、积极的品质.相比之下,自悯那么要你最好成认自己在莫个丢脸的时刻所扮演的角色： 深夜回想起来的时候,一个自悯的人

14、会对自己说：“嗯,是 的-真的为难死了.But she' ll also say: "So what? Plenty of other people have embarrassed themselves in similar ways. In the end, this study showed that those who' d been prodded toward thedirection of self-esteem felt worse aboutthemselves after remembering the high-school embarrassm

15、ent than those who' d been led toward self-compassion. 但她也会说：“那又怎样 很多人都会有类似的为难经历. 最后,这项研究说明,那些被导向自尊的学生在想起高中的 为难事儿后,比那些被导向自悯的人感觉更糟.Self-esteem has fallen out of favour, and it is starting to seem these days as if self-compassion is taking itsplace. The headlines that keep popping up are:"Why

16、Self-love Is Important And How To Cultivate It (Medical NewsToday, 23 March 2021);'8 Powerful StepsTo Self-Love (Psychology Today, 29 June 2021);“TheNot-So-SecretSecretTo Happiness: Be Kinder ToYourself, Okay? (The Cut, 22 April 2021). (Fine: I wrote the last one.) The focus in these pop-psych s

17、tories tends to stay squarely on the first part of Neff ' s 15-year-old definition:a experiencingfeelings of caring and kindness toward oneself, taking an understanding, nonjudgmental attitude toward one's inadequacies and failures." From reading many ofthese pieces, self-compassion see

18、ms like self-kindness, and nothing more.自尊已经失宠,如今似乎自悯正开始取而代之.不断涌现的 头条新闻是?为什么自爱很更要以及如何培养它?获得自 爱的八大步骤?走向幸福不算秘密的秘密：对自己再好点 儿,好吗?.这些故事倾向于把焦点完全放在内夫15年前所下定义的前一局部：“感受对自己的关心和蔼意,对自己 的缺乏与失败采取理解、不偏不倚的态度.通过阅读这些 文章,你会发现自悯似乎就是自爱,仅此而已.But it ' s the second part of that definition that has proven the most helpfu

19、l for me: arecognising that one' s own experience is part of the common human experience. " It ' s the idea of taking a zoomed-out look at yourself, and realising that you are more similarto others than you are different, even (maybe especially) considering how ridiculous you often are.

20、As Neff herself said in an interview with The Atlantic in 2021:' When we fail, it ' s not "poor me, it 's “well, everyone fails. " Everyone struggles. This is what it means to be human. ' 但正是这个定义的后一局部对我最有帮助：“熟悉到自己的 经历是人之共有.这个观点就是从更远的角度看到自己的 渺小,并熟悉到你与其他人更相似而非更不同,甚至想想自 己经常会表现

21、得多么荒唐.正如内夫在采访中所说的那样：“当我们失败时,不是我真可怜,而是好吧,人人都 会失败.人人都在挽扎.这就是生而为人的意义.In fact, it ' s this part of the definition of self-compassion that makes me question whether it should be called self-compassion at all. Neff s concept isn t really about adoring yourself, or not entirely, anyway; this piece of i

22、t isn' t actually about you.Rather, it ' s about the importance of recalling that you are but one small part of an interconnected whole.事实上,正是自悯定义中的这一局部让我疑心这是否应该被 称为自悯.内夫的概念并不是要你热爱自己,至少不完全是：这局部定义实际上并不是关于你的.相反,重要的是让你想 起自己只是一个相互关联的整体中的一小局部.For me, the term a self-indifference " communicat

23、es this part of Neff ' s message better than her own term does: when it comes to embarrassing moments, it means considering your own highlight reel of flaws, acknowledging that, yes, maybe the moment really was that bad but then responding with a shrug. It is, to come back to my earlier point, s

24、omething you could call self-indifference, by which I mean the comfort of realising that you are not all that unique.对我来说,“自假设 一词比内夫自己的术语更能传达她信息 中的这一局部：就那些为难的时刻而言,这意味着想想自己 人生污点的精彩回放,并且成认,是的,也许这一刻真的是 很糟糕一然后耸耸淡然处之.Really, though, self-indifference and self-compassion are just new-fangled terms for an

25、ancient concept: humility. We tend to think of humility as if it means putting yourself down, a mischaracterisation that a recent study in the Journal of Applied Psychology seemsto buy into in its examination of“ humble leaders. Humility in a manager, according to these researchers, is defined as “b

26、eing open to admitting one ' s limitations, shortcomings and mistakes. " To be humble, in these researchers ' view, is to focus on your flaws. 但实际上,自假设和自悯只是一个古老概念-谦逊-的新说法.我们倾向于信为谦逊好象就意味着让自己放低姿态,这 是一种错误的描述.?应用心理学杂志?最近的一项针对“谦 逊的领导者所开展的研究似乎就犯了这个错误.根据这些 研究人员的说法,治理者的谦逊被定义为“愿意成认自己的 局限、缺点和错误.谦

27、逊,在这些研究人员看来,就是要 关注你的缺点.But modern scholars who study humility see it differently. Humble people don' t focus on their flaws -not exactly, anyway. It ' s more that humble people don' t focus on themselves very much at all.“ This isnot to say that a humble person fails to care about her ow

28、n welfare or pursue her own interests it is simply that she sees these as being deeply intertwined with the welfare and interests of others, " write the authors of a 2021 paper in The Journal of Positive Psychology. You are important, and you are worthy oflove, just like we millennials were taught in school一but that ' s true only because everyone is