篇英语幽默笑话小故事带生词解释

1、1.The World's Greatest Swordsman （n.  剑客, 击剑手）At an exhibition of the world's best swordsman, the third-place（排名第三的） fencer（n.剑客，击剑者）took the stage. A fly was released, and with an arc（n.弧） of his sword（n.剑，刀） he cut the fly in half. The crowd cheered. Then the second-place man sli

2、ced（slice  n.薄片vt.削） a fly into quarters. A hush fell in anticipation of the world's greatest swordsman. His blade came down in a mighty arc - but the insect continued on its way! The crowd was aghast. The greatest swordsman had missed his target completely, yet he continued to smile. "

3、;Why are you so happy?" someone yelled. "You missed!" "Ah," replied the swordsman, "you weren't watching very carefully. They fly lives, yes - but he will never be a father." stage  n.舞台 take the world stage登上舞台exhibition  n.展览(会)release  vt. n.释

4、(排)放；放开hush  v.(使)安静下来 n.安静，寂静anticipation  n.预期；预料 in anticipation of   期待着blade  n.刀刃，刀片 mighty  a.强大的 insect  n.昆虫，虫 aghast  a.惊骇的target  n.目标，对象，靶子 vt.瞄准 yell  vi./ n.号叫，叫喊2.A MistakeAn American, a Scot（ Scotland  n.苏格兰） and a Canadian were kille

5、d in a car accident. They arrived at the gates of heaven, where a flustered St. Peter explained that there had been a mistake. "Give me $500 each," he said, "and I'll return you to earth as if the whole thing never happened." "Done!" said the American. Instantly, he

6、 found himself standing unhurt near the scene. "Where are the others?" asked a medic. "Last I knew," said the American, "the Scot was haggling price, and the Canadian was arguing that his government should pay." accident  æksidnt n.意外遭遇,事故fluster  flst vt

7、.使惊慌失措 flustered惊慌失措的saint英音：seint heaven  hevnn.天堂Done 口语（成交） instantly  instntliad.立即，立刻 scene  si:nn.场，地点medic 医生 haggle  hæglvi.讨价还价argue  :gju:vi.争论(吵,辩) government政府3.Pig or Witch（女巫）A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the sa

8、me road. As they pass each other, the woman leans out of the window and yells "PIG!" The man immediately leans out of his window and replies, "WITCH(女巫)!" They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road. If o

9、nly men would listen（要是这个男的能听懂那个女人的意思就好了。）. steep   a.陡的narrow  a.狭窄(隘)的；lean   v.(使)倾斜crash vi.碰撞4.Response Abilityresponse  n.回答 ability n.能力，技巧An Ogden（奥格根市）, Iowa, minister was matching coins with a member of his congregation for a cup of coffee. When asked if that didn't

10、 constitute gambling, the minister replied, "It's merely a scientific method of determining just who is going to commit an act of charity（仅仅是决定由谁来做一件善事的一种科学方法） Iowa  n.衣阿华美国州名minister  n.部长，公使，牧师congregation n.集合在一起的群众a member of his congregation一位教友constitute vt.构成 gamble  赌

11、博scientific .科学的determine  vt.决定commit  vt.犯(错误等)charity n.救济金； pl.慈善团体；宽容Philosopher Bertrand Russell(罗素), asked if he was willing to die for his belief, replied: "Of course not. After all, I may be wrong." philosopher  n.哲学家willing愿意的belief .信仰5.A newspaper organized a con

12、test for the best answer to the question: "If a fire broke out in the Louvre(卢浮宫), and if you could only save one painting, which one would you carry out?" The winning reply was: "The one nearest the exit." organize vt.组织contest n.比赛；辩驳6.Jonesie The Great Lion HunterA small villa

13、ge was troubled by a man-eating lion. So its leaders sent a message to the great hunter, Jonesie, to come and kill the beast. For several nights the hunter lay（躺） in wait for the lion, but it never appeared. Finally, he told the village chief to kill a cow and give him its hide（兽皮）. Draping盖上the ski

14、n over his shoulders, he went to the pasture牧草地，牧场to wait for the lion pasture In the middle of the night, the villagers woke to the sound of blood-curdling shrieks coming from the pasture. As they carefully approached, they saw the hunter on the ground, groaning in pain. There was no sign of the li

15、on.（ curdle v.使凝结shriek  vi.尖叫approach v.靠近groan  v.呻吟）"What happened, Jonesie? Where is the lion?" asked the chief. "Forget the damn lion!" he howled. "Which one of you idiots let the bull loose?" howl  haulvi.哀号 bull  buln.公牛 idiot  n.白痴，傻子，笨蛋

16、7.Weather PredictA film crew was on location deep in the desert. One day an old Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow rain." The next day it rained. A week later, the Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow storm." The next day there was a hailstorm. "

17、;This Indian is incredible," said the director. He told his secretary to hire the Indian to predict the weather. However, after several successful predictions, the old Indian didn't show up for two weeks. Finally the director sent for him. "I have to shoot a big scene tomorrow," s

18、aid the director, "and I'm depending on you. What will the weather be like?" The Indian shrugged his shoulders. "Don't know," he said. "Radio is broken." crew  n.全体工作人员 location  n.位置，场所；外景拍摄地director  主管，导演 hail  n.雹 hailstorm雹暴incredible &#

19、160;a.不可信的；不可思议的，惊人的show up  暴露，露面shrug  v. n.耸肩8.I Am Acting Like a LadyOne day when women's dresses were on sale at the FarEast Department Store, a dignified middle-aged man decided to get his wife a piece. But he soon found himself being battered by frantic women. He stood it as lon

20、g as he could; then, with head lowered and arms flailing, he plowed through the crowed. "You there!" challenged a thrill voice. "Can't you act like a gentleman?" "Listen," he said, "I have been acting like a gentleman for an hour. From now on, I am acting like

21、a lady." I Am Acting Like a Lady我要表现得象位女士the FarEast Department Store远东百货公司on sale减价 dignified  a.有尊严的batter  v.连续猛击 frantic  a.发疯似的he soon found himself being battered by frantic women. 没过多久，他发现自己已被疯狂的女人冲得踉踉跄跄。as long as只要 flail  vi.敲击plow  n.犁 v.犁，耕 thrill  n.兴奋v

22、.(使)兴奋a thrill voice尖叫9.A Soldier's Brilliant IdeaMr. Robinson had to travel somewhere on business, and as he was in a hurry, he decided to go by air. He liked sitting beside a window when he was flying, so when he got on to the plane, he looked for a window seat. He found all of them had alread

23、y been taken except for one. There was a soldier sitting in the seat beside this one, and Mr. Robinson was surprised that he had not taken the one by the window; but, anyhow, he at once went towards it. When he reached it, however, he saw that there was a notice on it. It was written in ink and said

24、, "This seat is preserved（保留） for proper load balance（装载平衡）, thank you." Mr Robinson had never seen such an unusual notice in a plane before, but he thought that the plane must be carrying something particularly heavy in it, so he walked on and found another empty seat, not beside a window

25、, to sit in. Two or three people tried to sit in the window seat beside the soldier, but they also read the notice and went on, when the plane was nearly full, a very beautiful girl hurried into the plane. The soldier, who was watching the passengers coming in, quickly took the notice off the seat b

26、eside himself and in this way succeeded in having the company of the girl during the whole trip. 为保持装载平衡，特预设该位置，谢谢合作10.why do you never phone me?Mrs Harris lives in a small village. Her husband is dead, but she has one son. He is twenty-one and his name is Geoff. He worked in the shop in the village

27、 and lived with his mother, but then he got work in a town and went and lived there. Its name was Greensea. It was quite a long way from his mother's village, and she was not happy about this, but Geoff said, "There isn't any good work for me in the country, Mother, and I can get a lot

28、of money in Greensea and send you some every week." Mrs Harris was very angry last Sunday. She got in a train and went to her son's house in Greensea. Then she said to him, "Geoff, why do you never phone me?" Geoff laughed. "But, Mother", he said, "you haven't g

29、ot a phone." "No," she answered, "I haven't, but YOU'VE got one!"11.My First and My Last When George was thirty-five, he bought a small plane and learned to fly it. He soon became very good and made his plane do all kinds of tricks. George had a friend. His name was

30、Mark. One day George offered to take Mark up in his plane. Mark thought, "I've travelled in a big plane several times, but I've never been in a small one, so I'll go." They went up, and George flew around for half an hour and did all kinds of tricks in the air. When they came d

31、own again, Mark was very glad to be back safely, and he said to his friend in a shaking voice, "Well, George, thank you very much for those two trips in your plane." Gerogy was very surprised and said, "Two trips?" "Yes, my first and my last," answered Mark. trick  

32、;trikn.诡计；戏法、特技12.New DiscoveryA hillbilly was visiting the big city for the first time. Entering an office building, he saw an old woman step into a small room. The doors closed, lights flashed, and after a while the door slid open and a beautiful young model stepped off the elevator. Blinking in a

33、mazement, the hillbilly drawled, "I should have brought my wife!"discovery发现hillbilly hilbilin.乡下人，乡巴佬 for the first time第一次slide slaidv.滑动 elevatoreliveitn.电梯 blink blikvi.眨眼睛 drawl dr:l.慢吞吞地说13.I'll See to the RestA guard was about to signal his train to start when he saw an attracti

34、ve girl standing on the platform by an open door, talking to another pretty girl inside the carriage. "Come on, miss!" he shouted. "Shut the door, please!" "Oh, I just want to kiss my sister goodbye," she called back. "You just shut that door, please," called

35、the guard, "and I'll see to the rest."be about to打算 signal信号，用信号指示 see to  注意，照料attractive  a.有吸引力的，引起注意的carriage车厢14.Can't Get OutThis was to be the new blonde flight attendant's first overnight trip, so the Captain was showing her the best place for personnel to eat

36、, shop and stay overnight. The next morning, as he was preparing the crew for the day's flight, he noticed the new flight attendant was missing. Since he knew which hotel room she was staying in he called her to find out what had happened. Crying, she answered the phone and said, "Help, I c

37、an't get out of the room!" "What do you mean, you can't get out of the room?" the Captain asked. "Well I can only find three doors," she sobbed. "One is the bathroom, one is the closet and the other one has a sign on it that says, 'Do Not Disturb'!"

38、blonde  blnda.金发的 n.金发女子missing 失踪的Since由于 attendant  tendntn.服务人员，侍者personnel个人 sob抽泣15.The Ugly DucklingLong ago, in a farmyard many miles away, a Mother Duck sat on her nest. She was waiting for her eggs to hatch. Each day she proudly looked at them. There were six eggs, which meant six

39、 little ducklings to teach to swim. One sunny spring morning, the first egg began to crack（破裂）. 'Tap, tap, tap,' went the duckling inside, trying to get out. Mother Duck watched as the egg cracked open and out popped（.突发砰的响声）16.a fluffy(绒毛的) duckling."One," said Mother Duck proudly

40、(骄傲地). The next day, the second egg hatched（孵出） and out popped another fluffy duckling. "Two," said Mother Duck proudly. On the third day, duckling number three hatched. "That leaves just three," said Mother Duck. On the fourth and fifth day, ducklings number four and five hatche

41、d. "That leaves just one," said Mother Duck, as she settled（驻扎） on her nest. Her ducklings gathered（挤）around her. But on the sixth day nothing happened. Nor on the seventh. "How strange," said Mother Duck on the seventh day. "It should have hatched by now." One of the f

42、armyard chickens wandered（散步） by. "Oh," she said. "You're still there I thought you'd be on the pond by now." "It's this last egg," said Mother Duck. "It hasn't hatched yet." "Let me see," said the chicken. "Well no wonder（不奇怪）.

43、It looks like a goose（鹅） egg to me. You'll be here for a long time." "Oh dear," said Mother Duck. "I have my five little ducklings to teach to swim. What shall I do? I can't leave it." "Aah well," said the chicken, and she wandered off. The goose heard that

44、 one of her eggs was in Mother Duck's nest. "Is it true?" she asked, as she puffed（pf.喘气）up to the nest. "Do you have one of my eggs?" "I think so," said Mother Duck. They both looked in the nest. "Huh," said the goose. "That's not mine. It looks

45、more like that absent-minded turkey's egg." As they looked, they suddenly heard the faint （feint微弱的） tapping. The shell was breaking. "We'll soon see," said the goose. They watched and waited. "Oh," said the goose. "Oh, dear," said Mother Duck, as she looke

46、d at the sixth duckling. It looked most strange, it was straggly adj. 蔓延的七零八落的) and grey where its brothers and sisters were fluffy（绒毛的） and yellow. It was also bigger than them. It quacked as it saw its mother. "Well, if it's a turkey," said the goose, "it won't swim." M

47、other Duck hurried her ducklings to the pond. She waddled（蹒跚） in and listened. Splash! Splish! Splosh! Splash! Splish! She turned and looked. All six ducklings followed her in the water. "Oh, well," she said. "He can swim. He is definitely not a turkey." The sixth duckling was ve

48、ry good at swimming, and was soon swimming better than his brothers and sisters. Back at the farmyard, things did not go well for the little duckling. Everyone called him an ugly duckling. The chickens laughed at him, the turkeys chased（追逐） him and the geese hissed at him. Soon even his brothers and

49、 sisters would not talk to him, but when his mother turned away, he was very sad. He decided to leave the farmyard. One sunny morning, he walked out of the farmyard and didn't look back. He wandered away, looking for somewhere new to live. When he'd been walking a while he came to a large la

50、ke. There were some ducks swimming on it. He swam up to them. "May I stay on this lake?" he asked. "Of course," said the ducks. "We'll be moving on soon. Why don't you join us, if you're on your own?" "Thank you," said the duckling. The duckling st

51、ayed on the lake and day by day he grew bigger. One day he looked up to see some large white birds flying gracefully（优美地） over the lake. "They're beautiful," he whispered, and then sighed. "I wonder who they are?" One day the ducks came to see him. "It's autumn, and

52、we're going now," they told him, "join us if you want to." Some ducks began to fly up to leave, but suddenly loud bangs were heard. Two of the ducks fell from the sky. Others flew up in fright（惊恐）, and more fell as more bangs were heard. The duckling ran and hid. He found a bush a

53、nd stayed there until the noise had died down. When it was quiet he sadly left the lake and headed away over the fields. He came to another lake and there he stayed. Winter was coming and he was alone. As the days grew colder, he found that it was harder to find food. The one morning he woke and fou

54、nd that he couldn't move. The lake had frozen and he was stuck in the ice. The day passed and the duckling was giving up hope of being found. But late in the afternoon a man walking his dog saw him. He broke the ice, and the duckling was free. He ran across the ice and hid. He didn't dare to

55、 go on the ice again. Winter passed, spring came, and the ice melted. The duckling stretched his wings and found that they were strong enough to carry him. He flew upon and over the lake, high above the trees and fields. He should have been very happy, but he was not because he felt so lonely. A few

56、 days later, he looked up to see the large white birds he had seen in the autumn. They looked beautiful as they landed on the lake. The duckling admired(dmaivt.钦佩,羡慕) their glossy ( glsi.光滑的) white feathers and long necks. He swam over to take a closer look at them. "Please," he said

57、shyly. "Will you tell me who you are. You are so beautiful and I am so ugly. I've never seen anybody like you." "Ugly," cried one of the white birds. "How silly!" "We're swans (swn天鹅)," said another. "Why do you think you're ugly? Look at your

58、self in the water." The duckling looked and caught sight of his own reflection. He gasped g:sp喘气in surprise, for instead of seeing a fat, grey duckling he saw a swan with a long elegant (elignt优美的) neck and a bright orange bill. "I'm like you," he cried. "I'm a swan, too.

59、" "Definitely," said the swan, with a smile. "Does that mean I can stay with you, and not live alone?" "Of course," said the swans. At that moment two children ran down to the lake. "Ooh, look!" they cried. "The swans are back and there's a new o

60、ne, too. Isn't he beautiful!" The ugly duckling stretched his neck and ruffled rfl弄皱 his feathers with pride. Then it was time to go flying with all of the other swans and, as the duckling took off from the lake, he could see his new beautiful reflection in the water.17.My servant will

61、 clean itTwo rich ladies were sharing a taxi and talking about the high cost of going anywhere by taxi. One of the ladies said, 'Taxis are terribly expensive these days. The owners get a lot of money for nothing.' 'Yes,' said the other lady, 'and the drivers get such big tips tha

62、t they soon become rich. They ought to be ashamed of themselves.' One of the ladies was smoking a cigarette. After a minute or two she said to the other lady, 'Can you see an ash tray in this taxi? There isn't one on my side.' 'No,' said the other, 'there isn't one on this side either. Driver! Where is the ashtray in this taxi? Why haven't you got one?' The driver, who had heard everything the ladies had said, answered, 'Oh, just drop the ashes on the carpet-I have a servant who comes in and cleans three days in the week! tipn.小