【读后续写】2021年6月浙江读后续写讲评-第一次打工赚钱 名师教学设计-郭合英

基于协同效应提升表达能力的读后续写讲评（以2021年6月浙江读后续写“第一次打工赚钱”为例)杭州二中树兰高级中学郭合英读后续写：Mydad,George,onlyhadaneighthgradeeducation.Aquietman,hedidn’tunderstandmyworldofschoolactivities.Fromage14,heworked.Andhisdad,Albert,tookthemoneymydadearnedandusedittopayfamilyexpenses.Ididn’treallyunderstandhisworldeither：Hewasalivestocktrucker,andIthoughtthatIwouldsurpass（超过）anythinghehadaccomplishedbythetimeIwalkedacrossthestageathighschoolgraduation.Summersinthemid-70swerespentathomeshootingbaskets,hittingabaseball,orthrowingafootball,preparingformyfutureasaquarterbackonafootballteam.Inpoorweather,Ireadaboutsportsorpracticedmytrombone（长号）.ThesummerbeforemyeighthgradeIwasoneofagroupofboysthataneighboringfarmerhiredtoworkinhisfield.Heexplainedourbasictask,thetractorfiredupandwewereoff,ridingdownthefieldlookingforweedstospraywithchemicals.Afterashortway,thefarmerstoppedandpointedataweedwhichwemissed.Thenwebeganagain.Thishappenedoverandover,butwesoonlearnedtoidentifydifferentgrasseslikecockleburs,lamb’s-quarters,foxtails,andthekingofweeds,theprettypurplethistle.Itwastiringwork,butIlookedforwardtothepay,eventhoughIwasn’tsurehowmuchitwouldamountto.Athome,mydadsaid,"Ajob’sabigsteptogrowingup.I’mgladyouwillbecontributingtothehousehold."Mydad’swordsmademerealizethatmyearningsmightnotbeminetodowithasIwished.Mylaborslastedabouttwoweeks,andthefarmersaidtheremightbemorework,butIwasn’tinterested.IdecideditwasnotfairthatIhadtocontributemymoney.注意：所续写短文的词数应为150左右；2.至少使用5个短文中标有下划线的关键词语；3.续写部分分为两段，每段的开头语已为你写好；4.续写完成后，请用下划线标出你所使用的关键词语。Paragraph1:WhenIbroughtmypaycheckhome—itwas$119—mydadwantedtotalktome._____Paragraph2:IwassurprisedthatmydadallowedmetousethemoneyasIwished.________设计理念：本节课从“协同”概念为着眼点，从主题协同、冲突协同、语言协同、人设协同、情节协同及情感协同六个方面为切入点，引导学生基于协同效应提升读后续写表达能力的提升，从而走出读后续写的写作误区，避免他们走弯路，从而快速提升读后续写的写作能力。教学目标：Basedonsynergy,theteachershelpthestudentsimprovetheabilitytowritecontinuouswriting.Afterteachingthislesson,youwill1. Whatissynergy?2. Whichaspectsshouldbeinaccordancewithoriginaltextinsynergy?3. Howtoconsistwiththeoriginalthroughanalyzingsomeexamples.教学步骤：Step1：导入：Lead-in：Tostimulatethestudents’interest,theteacherwillshowashortvideoontheunderstandingbetweenfatherandson.Step2:文本解读：（1）语法填空Mydadwhoonlyhadaneighthgradeeducationwasalivestocktrucker.Hedidn’tcomprehendmycircleofschoolactivities.Heworkedformoneyattheageoffourteen.1,allhismoneymadebyhimhadtopayfamilyexpenses.I2(firm)reckonedthatIwouldsurpassanythinghe3(complete)bythetimeIwalkedacrossthestageathighschoolgraduation.Thesummerbeforemy4(eight)grade,I5(take)ontoworkasoneofjobbersinaneighboringfarm.Ourtaskistolookforweedstospraywithchemicals,soonwe6(learn)toidentifydifferentgrasses.Itwastiringwork,butIhankeredforthepay,eventhoughIwasn’tsurehowmuchitwouldamount7.However,myfathertoldmetousethemoneymadebyme8(pay)familyexpenses.Mydad’swordsmademerealizethatmyearningsmightnotbe9(me)todowithasIwished.Thoughthefarmertoldmetheremightbemorework,Iwasn’t10(interest).IconcludeditwasunfairthatIhadtocontributemymoney.（2）理清脉络ElementsofElementsofthestoryStep3：Whatissynergy?Theconceptofsynergy?Whichaspectsshouldbeinaccordancewithoriginaltextinsynergy?Step4:Explainthespecificapplicationinwritingthroughsomeexamples.Accordingtotheconceptofsynergy,theteacherwillexplainthemindetailtothestudentsonebyonethroughsomeexamplestoassisttheminimprovingtheabilitytowritecontinuouswriting.Thematicsynergy主题协同Mydad,George,onlyhadaneighthgradeeducation.Aquietman,hedidn’tunderstandmyworldofschoolactivities.Fromage14,heworked.Andhisdad,Albert,tookthemoneymydadearnedandusedittopayfamilyexpenses.……Athome,mydadsaid,"Ajob’sabigsteptogrowingup.I’mgladyouwillbecontributingtothehousehold."Mydad’swordsmademerealizethatmyearningsmightnotbeminetodowithasIwished.Mylaborslastedabouttwoweeks,andthefarmersaidtheremightbemorework,butIwasn’tinterested.IdecideditwasnotfairthatIhadtocontributemymoney.(2)Conflictingsynergy冲突协同Mydad,George,onlyhadaneighthgradeeducation.Aquietman,hedidn’tunderstandmyworldofschoolactivities.Fromage14,heworked.Andhisdad,Albert,tookthemoneymydadearnedandusedittopayfamilyexpenses.Ididn’treallyunderstandhisworldeither：Hewasalivestocktrucker,andIthoughtthatIwouldsurpass（超过）anythinghehadaccomplishedbythetimeIwalkedacrossthestageathighschoolgraduation.……Athome,mydadsaid,"Ajob’sabigsteptogrowingup.I’mgladyouwillbecontributingtothehousehold."Mydad’swordsmademerealizethatmyearningsmightnotbeminetodowithasIwished.Mylaborslastedabouttwoweeks,andthefarmersaidtheremightbemorework,butIwasn’tinterested.IdecideditwasnotfairthatIhadtocontributemymoney.(3)Publicpersonasynergy人设协同Mydad,George,onlyhadaneighthgradeeducation.Aquietman,hedidn’tunderstandmyworldofschoolactivities.Fromage14,heworked.Andhisdad,Albert,tookthemoneymydadearnedandusedittopayfamilyexpenses.Ididn'treallyunderstandhisworldeither:Hewanalivestocktrucker,andIthoughtthat1wouldsurpass(超过)anythinghehadaccomplishedbythetimeIwalkedacrossthestageathighschoolgraduation.……Afterashortway,thefarmerstoppedandpointedataweedwhichwemissed.Thenwebeganagain.Thishappenedoverandover,butwesoonlearnedtoidentifydifferentgrasseslikecockleburs,lamb's-quarters,foxtails,andthekingofweeds,theprettypurplethistle.Itwastiringwork,butIlookedforwardtothepay,eventhoughIwasn'tsurehowmuchitwouldamountto.Athome,mydadsaid,"Ajob'sabigsteptogrowingup.I'mgladyouwillbecontributingtothehousehold."Mydad'swordsmademerealizethatmyearningsmightnotbeminetodowithasIwished.Mylaborslastedabouttwoweeks,andthefarmersaidtheremightbemorework,butIwasn'tinterested.IdecideditwasnotfairthatIhadtocontributemymoney.Emotionalsynergy情感协同……ThesummerbeforemyeighthgradeIwasoneofagroupofboysthataneighboringfarmerhiredtoworkinhisfield.Heexplainedourbasictask,thetractorfiredupandwewereoff,ridingdownthefieldlookingforweedstospraywithchemicals.Afterashortway,thefarmerstoppedandpointedataweedwhichwemissed.Thenwebeganagain.Thishappenedoverandover,butwesoonlearnedtoidentifydifferentgrasseslikecockleburs,lamb's-quarters,foxtails,andthekingofweeds,theprettypurplethistle.Itwastiringwork,butIlookedforwardtothepay,eventhoughIwasn'tsurehowmuchitwouldamountto.Athome,mydadsaid,"Ajob'sabigsteptogrowingup.I'mgladyouwillbecontributingtothehousehold."Mydad'swordsmademerealizethatmyearningsmightnotbeminetodowithasIwished.Mylaborslastedabouttwoweeks,andthefarmersaidtheremightbemorework,butIwasn'tinterested.IdecideditwasnotfairthatIhadtocontributemymoney.Theson’semotions:Thefather’semotions:Plotsynergy情节协同Paragraph1:WhenIbroughtmypaycheckhome—itwas$119—mydadwantedtotalktome.Paragraph2:IwassurprisedthatmydadallowedmetousethemoneyasIwished.LanguageSynergy语言协同用下划线标出句子所用的语法靓点及高频词汇Mydad,George,onlyhadaneighthgradeeducation.Aquietman,hedidn'tunderstandmyworldofschoolactivities.Fromage14,heworked.Andhisdad,Albert,tookthemoneymydadearnedandusedittopayfamilyexpenses.Ididn'treallyunderstandhisworldeither:Hewasalivestocktrucker,andIthoughtthatIwouldsurpass(超过)anythinghehadaccomplishedbythetimeIwalkedacrossthestageathighschoolgraduation.Summersinthemid-70swerespentathomeshootingbaskets,hittingabaseball,orthrowingafootball,preparingformyfutureasaquarterbackonafootballteam.Inpoorweather,Ireadaboutsportsorpracticedmytrombone(长号).ThesummerbeforemyeighthgradeIwasoneofagroupofboysthataneighboringfarmerhiredtoworkinhisfield.Heexplainedourbasictask,thetractorfiredupandwewereoff,ridingdownthefieldlookingforweedstospraywithchemicals.Afterashortway,thefarmerstoppedandpointedataweedwhichwemissed.Thenwebeganagain.Thishappenedoverandover,butwesoonlearnedtoidentifydifferentgrasseslikecockleburs,lamb's-quarters,foxtails,andthekingofweeds,theprettypurplethistle.Itwastiringwork,butIlookedforwardtothepay,eventhoughIwasn'tsurehowmuchitwouldamountto.Athome,mydadsaid,"Ajob'sabigsteptogrowingup.I'mgladyouwillbecontributingtothehousehold."Mydad'swordsmademerealizethatmyearningsmightnotbeminetodowithasIwished.Mylaborslastedabouttwoweeks,andthefarmersaidtheremightbemorework,butIwasn'tinterested.IdecideditwasnotfairthatIhadtocontributemymoney.Step5词汇积累：Toshow,nottotell生气的表达wailing呜咽pullalongface拉长脸smilewrylyat为……发出苦笑growled怒吼道discolored面容失色的flyintoarage暴跳如雷flyintoafury勃然大怒onthepointofexploding快要气炸了curlone’slips撅起嘴唇gointoarage大发脾气heart-breaking令人心碎的stormoff怒气冲冲地走了asharppainofmisery极为难过makesb.hotunderthecollar怒火冲天/勃然大怒Ifeltthelossdeeply.我非常难过。高兴的表达Acackleescapedmythroat.我不禁咯咯地笑了。makeachucklingnoise轻声地笑grinfromeartoear笑得合不拢嘴liftmeup让我高兴sighwithrelief舒了一口气紧张的表达setmyheartracing使某人心跳不已restless坐立不安paceupanddown走来走去gulpnervously紧张地吸了一口气breakoutinasweat突然出了一身汗形容人的anut-brownman一个褐棕色皮肤的人aplainman一个朴实的人anhonestsort一个老实人aplain-speakingman一个有话直说的人asharp-lookingman看起来很严肃的人apooroldwreck一个又穷又老的废物getoffhisknees站了起来raisinghimselfonhiselbow用手肘支起身体puffingonhispipe吸着他的烟斗grim-faced面目狰狞的bloodshoteyesandswollenlips眼睛充血，眼睛肿胀loseone’sfooting失去平衡stoppinhistracks停住了脚步hobble一瘸一拐地走ambling步履蹒跚的stumpedoff步履沉重地走开了备用词汇loomupaheadofme浮现在我眼前attheideaof一想到gawpat直愣愣地看着lookatmewithhopeinhiseyes充满希望地看着我forallwewereworth拼命，竭尽全力wastemoneyterribly大肆挥霍mycouragesank我渐渐失去了勇气ringinmyears在我耳边回想setfootinmyhouse踏进我的房间pluckupcourage鼓起勇气toone’sdismay使某人惊讶的是Insidehisheadthoughtsragedlikeastorm.种种念头令他的脑海风起云涌speakourmindsfreelytoeachother彼此畅所欲言pangsofconscience良心的折磨ashredofguilt一丝负疚Hismindwasriddledwithguilt.他的心中充满了内疚。bebesideoneself情绪失控cometothinkofit想起来了Eg.Cometothinkofit,that'ssmartadviceevenforjobhunterswhoaren'tlawyers.想想看吧，这确实是一条非常明智的建议，即便是对于不做律师的求职者来说，也同样有用。Step6:学生范文解析范文1范文点评：可取之处：范文点评：可取之处：不足之处：范文（2）可取之处：不足之处Apossibleversion：原创WhenIbroughtmypaycheckhome--itwas$119--mydadwantedtotalktome.ItwasthelastthingthatIwantedtotalk.withmyheartpoundingjustlikeadeer,Ihadintendedtoslipbacktomybedroomtiptoeing,whenanagedvoicesetmyheartracing,“Congratulationstoyouonthepaych