读后续写亲情类-坚持音乐梦想的儿子+讲义 高考英语作文复习专项

阅读下面这段材料，根据其内容和所给段落开头语续写两段，使之成为一篇完整的短文。（注意：续写词数150左右）文本内容陈列(Thelivingroom.Fridaynight.Atableandtwochairsatfrontcentre.GrandfatherandFather,seatedatthetable,areplayingchess.)Grandfather:And...Iwin!(Sonentersroom)Father:Notagain!Ohlook,herecomesmyboy.Howareyou,son?Son:(nervouslyapproachingthetable)Erm…Dad,canwetalk?Father:Sure!Youknowyoucanalwaysturntoyourdadforachat.Son:OK.Hereitis.I'vedecidednottogotouniversity.IwanttofocusonmybandandhaveacareerinmusicwhenIleaveschool.Father:(raisinghisvoiceinsurprise)Youcan'tbeserious!Whataboutyourfuturecareerasalawyer?!Son:Iknewyou'dsaythat.YoujustassumeIwanttobealawyer,butthat’sonlybecauseyouarealawyer.Father:What'swrongwithbeingalawyer?Lawyershelppeopleandarerespectedbyothers.Son:Yes,butl'mnotinterestedinlaw.Iwanttoworkinastudio,notacourt.Grandfather:(lookingatFather

)Calmdown.OK?Father:(ignoring

Grandfather'swords

)Stopdaydreaming!Playinginabandisnotajob.Son:Ofcourseitis!Themusicindustryisdevelopingfastnow.Makingmusicisajob.Grandfather:(steppingbetweenFatherandSonandraisinghisvoice)Hey!Itoldyoutocalmdown,bothofyou!Father:ButItoldhimtostudysomethingusefulatuniversity!Grandfather:(laughing)Easy,son!Irememberwhenyouwerehisage,yousaidthatyouwantedtobeaprofessionalfootballplayer.Father:Andyouwantedmetobeanengineer!Grandfather:Ijustwantedyoutobehappy,andanengineer–ahappyengineer.Father:Butintheend,youjustadvisedmetothinkcarefully.Grandfather:Yes,andyouhavefoundthecareerthatsuitsyourtalents.I'msoproudofyou.Yoursonisproudofyou,too.Son:OfcourseIam,butIhavedifferenttalents.Grandfather:(turningtoSon)

Whydon'tyoualsotakemyadviceandthinkcarefullybeforejumpinginwithbothfeet?Son:Well,Icouldtry…Grandfather:Ifyougotouniversityandplaymusicatthesametime,youwillhavetwooptionsforyourfuture.Andl'msureplayinginabandwillhelpyoumakelotsofnewfriendsatuniversity.Father:Yes,lotsofnewlawyerfriends!Son:(withasigh)Dad….Paragraph1TheSonwalksalongthepavementinthecampus,_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________Paragraph23yearslater,theSonbecomesthepresidentoftheschoolmusicclub.________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________那具体怎样修改文章呢？我们结合案例来说。先看修改前的初稿：TheSonwalksalongthepavementinthecampus,withhisguitarandsomeotherluggage.Lookingatthegrandlibraryandteachingbuilding.Thesonwonderswhathewillachieveinthisuniversity.

(问题：thegrandlibraryandteachingbuilding.一下子引出2个无关地点，会干扰故事主线。修改建议：删掉无关的地点）Whenhecatchessightofthestudentsclubs,starscrowdsinhiseyes.Asheregisteredinthemusicclub,hesingsinhisownlyricshappily：(问题：主观的猜测过多，细节太琐碎，导致行文啰嗦。高考的答案都有字数限制，要求100字写清楚的内容，在这个字数范围内就肯定能写清楚。如果不能，就是出现了重复或啰嗦。修改建议：进行整合和精简）Howunbelievable,twomonthsago,IneverthoughtIwouldshowuphere.

(问题：续写部分出现自言自语。会给读者理解时带来困惑，一边读一边还要思考是谁说的话。修改建议：写作过程中一定要客观又克制，避免对话或者带入过多个人情感的心理活动描写。)

Heputallhisheartinformingabandeversince.

(问题：续写不合乎逻辑。大学入学刚加入社团，就着手组建自己的乐队，不合常理。修改建议：调整情节使故事发展符合常理)Afterafewweeks,herealizedthatwithoutabundantculturalaccumulations,hislyricsandsongareallsoplain.Feelingfrustrated,heworkshardonhissubjectsdayandnight.

(问题：1.表述不清晰，逻辑不严密。歌词写得平淡和努力学专业课之间没有必然联系。2.第一段都写完了，故事主干还没明晰地亮出来，开头太拖沓。修改建议：专业是否和写歌词有关？如果没有，如何建立联系使前后内容符合逻辑。删掉与主线无关的细节）(3yearslater)TheSonbecametheleaderoftheschoolmusicclub.

ReadingalotofbookshelpedhimproduceimpressiveLyrics.Hishardpracticemadeagoodcontributiontohisskill.(问题：读书和练习第一段没有铺垫，第二段突然出现，过渡太生硬，出现了信息断层。修改建议：第一段对故事线索提前铺垫。）Withoutdoubt,hewasvotedastheleaderintheclub.

(问题：和第二段第一句重复，啰嗦。需改建议：重复部分删掉）

Thistime,hisdreamofsinginabandaroseagain.Imustformmyownband.

(问题：续写部分出现自言自语。通篇没有明显的详写和略写，主线不明朗，不够精炼。修改建议：略写的部分一句话给出个结果即可）Inneedofmusicinstruments,lifegetsbusier.

(问题：前后逻辑不严密。需要乐器和生活变得更忙了，前后逻辑关系经不起推敲。修改建议：理顺前候逻辑，理不顺的，直接删掉）Inthemorning,hewriteshismusicandtakesclassesduringthedaytime.Afterclasshetakesseveralpart-timejobstomakethemoney.Duringthegraduationseason,herunsintoadilemmainmakingmoneyandplaygoodmusic.Heturnstohisgrandfatherforhelp.Grandfathertellshimtokeepthebalanceandlendhimsomemoney.Withthisfortuneheformedhisownband.

(问题：价值观有待商榷：用爷爷的钱组建自己的乐队，算不算社会期待的正能量？修改建议：如果文章中出现自己都不确定的内容，直接删掉）InJulyhegetsabachelorofart.Soonafterthegraduationceremony,hewillholdasoloconcert.(问题：原文的线索是追求在乐队唱歌，续写部分成了举办个人演唱会，不符合原文预设，因此也不能用来定义追梦成功。修改建议：使前后故事线索包括主题保持一致）Hisfatherandgrandfatherareinvitedtoattend.Burstintotears,hisfatherhuggedhissontightly.Withtearsinhiseyes,theFathersaidson,I'mproudofyou.

(问题：突然出现了前文没有提及的无关人物hisfather，会引起读者困惑，分散故事线。修改建议：删掉前文没有提及的人物）Sittinginfrontoftheaudience,agrainofsmileflashesonhisgrandfather'sface.Thankyou.Grandfather,thankstoyouradvice,Ihadthechancetoachievemydreams.

(问题：出现对话。这样写有两个缺点：1.行文不规范，文章前后形式不一致；2.人物过多发生的事情就多，就必然会超字数。并且，一个故事两个段落就出现三个人，不能突出主角。修改建议：能用陈述句代过的内容就不要用对话）Ifyouhaveadream,tryyourbesttoworkforit.Nothingismorepreciousthanyourdreams.Especiallywhenyouareyoung,thoughyoumaymeetdifficulty.Youwillachieveyourdreamaftertrialanderror.Meanwhile,Nofamilyisperfect,weargue,wefight,weevenstoptalkingtoeachotherattimes.butintheend,familyisfamily,thelovewillalwaysbethere.

(问题：结尾出现了两个主题，追求梦想和家人之间互相理解关爱。续写一共就150词，能写清楚一个主题都不容易，写两个主题，要么超字数，要么是主题不明。修改建议：续写文章只能定一个主题，并围绕这个主题紧凑展开。）找问题后针对性地进行修改和打磨，改完后的文章是这样的。TheSonwalksalongthepavementinthecampus,withhisguitaronhisback.Hejoinstheschoolmusicclubandstartstowritehisownlyrics.Yetwithoutabundantculturalaccumulations,hislyricsaresoplain.Feelingfrustrated,heworkshardonhismusicsubjectsandreadbooksasmoreaspossibleduringtheday.Afterclass,heplaysmusicontheplaygroundtorelaxhimself