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1、幽默故事:There was a guy who went into a shop to buy a parrot. There werethree parrots in the shop. One was $5,000; ano ther o ne, $10,000; a nd the third one, $30,000. The customer asked the owner, “ How come this guy is $5,000? That ' s so expensive for dfipndt." The owner said, “ Because I h

2、ave trained him and he can talk." So the customer asked him,“ How about this guy? What can hedo that makes him so expe nsive? The owner said, “ Well, apart from talk ing, he can also do some amusing actions,like dancing and so on. That whysie ' s so expensiv'e. Then the customer said,“

3、Howabout the third one? What canhe do that makes him so expensive?' The owner of the shopsaid,doh' know. Normally, I have never heard him talk, nor dance, nor whistle, nor sing,nothing at all! But the other two call him" The Boss.'【译文】老板最大 有个人到一间商店买鹦鹉。店里有三只鹦鹉,其中一只卖五千元,另一只 卖一万元,还有一只卖

4、三万元。顾客问老板:为什么这只要卖五千元?这个价钱对这种鹦鹉 来说太贵了!老板说:因为我有训练他讲话。顾客又问:那这只呢?他会做什么?为什么 要卖这么贵?老板说:他除了会说话之外,还会表演一些有趣的动作,好比说跳舞等等, 所以才卖这么贵。顾客接着又问:那第三只呢?他会做什么?为什么要卖这么贵?老板说:我不知道。我从没听过他讲话、吹口哨或唱歌,也没看过他跳舞,什么都没有!不过另外两 只叫他:老板!Where is the egg?Teacher:Ca n you make a sentence with the word "egg"?Stude nt:Yes .I ate a

5、 piece of cake yesterday.Teacher:The n where is the “ egg"?Stude nt:l n the cake,Sir.【译文】鸡蛋在哪里?教师:你能用 鸡蛋 一词造句吗? 学生:可以。我昨天吃了一块蛋糕。教师:鸡蛋在哪?学生:在蛋糕里,先生Tom is a little boy, and he is only seven years old. Once he goes to a cinema. It is the first time for him to do that. He buys a ticket and goes in.

6、 But after two or three minu tes he comes out, and buys the second ticket and goes in again. After a few minutes he comes out again and buys the third ticket.Two or three minu tes after that he comes out and asks for ano ther ticket. But a girl asks him,you buy so many tickets? How many frie nds do

7、you meet?"“ No, I have no frie nds here, but a bigwoma n always stops me at the door and cuts up my ticket.【译文】汤姆是个小孩,他才7岁。当他去电影院的时候。那时他第一次去。他买了票进去了。但没过两三分钟他就出来了,然后买了第二票又进去了。 几分钟后他又出来买了第三票。 接着两三分钟后他又出来买票。一个女的问她,你为什么要买那么多票啊?你见到了几个朋 友?""没有,我里面没朋友, 但是每当我进门的时候一位大的女人老把我的票给剪了 "Child:My

8、 un cle has 1000 men un der him.Man:He is really somebody.What does do?Child:A maintenance man in a cemetery【译文】他真是一个大人物小孩:我叔叔下面有1000个人。男人:他真是一个大人物。他是干什么的?小孩:墓地守墓人。Teacher: Would Shakespeare be a great man if he were still alive today?Stude nt: Of course. He must be a great man, for so far n obody h

9、as lived to over 400 years.【译文】一位伟人教师:如果莎士比亚还活着,他会是一名伟人吗?学生:当然。因为到目前为止,还没有人活到400多岁。Mr. Smith: Waiter, there's a dead fly in my soup.Waiter: Yes, sir, I know-it's the heat that kills it.【译文】史密斯先生:效劳员,我的汤里有一只死苍蝇.效劳员:是的,先生,我知道了,它是被烫死的.Son: Dad, give me a dime.Father: Son, don't you think yo

10、u're gett ing too big to be forever begg ing for dimes?Son: I guess you're right, Dad, Give me a dollar, will you?【译文】儿子:爸爸,给我一角钱。父亲:儿子,你不认为你已经长大了,不该再老是一角一角地要钱了该自立了,不是吗?儿子:爸爸,我想你是对的,那给我一块钱行吗?A little kid fell in love with ano ther little kid, a school mate. Sometimes the kids thi nk they fal

11、l in love whe n they have a crush on some one else in the class, whe n theyor ten 'eersight orsomething like that. So the eight-year-oldkid came back home and asked his father, “ Fatheris it expe nsive to be married? And the father said,“ Yes, son, it is very eXpeSshtee son asked,“How much does

12、it cost? And the father said, “I don ' t know, son. I ' m still paying.【译文】有个小孩爱上了另一个小孩,对方是学校的同学。八岁或十岁左右的孩子有时会迷恋班上某个人,然后就以为自己恋爱了。因此这个八岁的小孩回家问他爸爸:爸爸,结婚很花钱吗?爸爸说:是啊,儿子,非常花钱。儿子又问:要花多少钱呢?爸爸说:我不知 道,儿子,我到现在还一直在付钱啊!"Boy, why have you got cotton-wool in your ear? Is it infected?" "No,

13、sir, but you said yesterday that everyth ing you told me went in one ear and out the other , so I am trying to stop it."【译文】孩子,你为什么用棉花塞住耳朵?它感染了吗? 没有,教师。可是你昨天说你告诉我的知识都是一个耳朵里进,一个耳朵里出,所以我要把它堵在里面。“I'm sorry, Madam , but I shall have to charge you twenty dollars for pulling your boy's tooth“

14、Twenty d ollars! Why,I understand you to say that you charged only four dollars for such work!“Yes but this youngster yelled so terribly that he scared four other patients out of the office".【译文】对不起,夫人,为您孩子拔牙我要收取20美元。“ 2美元!为什么?不是说好只要4美元。是的,但是你的孩子大喊大叫,把另外四个病人吓跑了。TWO : Teacher: We all know that b

15、eat causes an object to expa nd an cold cauese it to con tract.Now,can anyone give me a good example?Joh n: Well , in the summer the days are long and in the win ter the days are short.【译文】教师:我们都知道热胀冷缩的道理。现在,谁给我举个例子?约翰:嗯,在夏天天都长,在冬天天都短。The lecturer on evoluti on had bee n going on for n early two hou

16、rs. the n he started aga in, and said he:"Let me ask the evolutionist a question - if we had tails like a baboon, where are they?""I'll venture an answer, " said an old lady. "We have worn them off sitting here so Iong.".【译文】教进化论的教师已经滔滔不绝地讲了快两个小时,他的话题又来了:让我向进化论者提个问题

17、一一如果我们曾经像狒狒那样长着尾巴,那么现在尾巴到哪里去了?我来试试看,"一位老太太说。该是我们在这里坐这么久把它们磨掉了吧。A man was going to the house of some rich pers on. As he went along the road, he saw a box of good apples at the side of the road. He said, "I do not want to eat those apples; for the rich man will give me much food; he will gi

18、ve me very nice food to eat." Then he took the apples and threw them away into the dust. He went on and came to a river. The river had become very big; so he could not go over it. He waited for some time; then he said, "I cannot go to the rich man's house today, for I cannot get over t

19、he river." He began to go home. He had eaten no food that day. He began to want food. He came to the apples, and he was glad to take them out of the dust and eat them. Do not throw good things away; you may be glad to have them at some other time.【译文】 一个人正朝着一个富人的房子走去,当他沿着路走时,在路的一边他发现一箱好苹 果,他说:我

20、不打算吃那些苹果,因为富人会给我更多的食物,他会给我很好吃的东西。然后他拿起苹果,一把扔到土里去。他继续走,来到河边,河涨水了,因此,他到不了河对岸,他等了一会儿,然后他说:今天我去不了富人家了,因为我不能渡过河。他开始回家, 那天他没有吃东西。他就开始去找吃的,他找到苹果,很快乐地把它们从尘土中翻出来吃了。 不要把好东西扔掉,换个时候你会觉得它们大有用处。A Good BoyLittle Robert asked his mother for two cents. "What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?"

21、 "I gave it to a poor old woma n," he an swered. "You're a good boy," said the mother proudly. "Here are two cents more. But why are you so in terested in the old woma n?" "She is the one who sells the can dy."【译文】好孩子小罗伯特向妈妈要两分钱。昨天给你的钱干什么了?我给了一个可怜的老太婆,他答复说

22、。你真是个好孩子,妈妈骄傲地说。再给你两分钱。可你为什么对那位老太太那么感兴趣呢?她是个卖糖果的。DrunkOne day, a father and his little son were going home. At this age, the boy was in terested in all kinds of things and was always asking questions. Now, he asked, "What's the meaning of the word 'Drunk', dad?" "Well, my

23、son," his father replied, "look, there are sta nding two policeme n. If I regard the two policeme n as four the n I am drun k." "But, dad," the boy said, " there's only ONE policema n!"【译文】醉酒一天,父亲与小儿子一块儿回家。这个孩子正处于那种对什么事都很感兴趣的年龄,老是有提 不完的问题。他向父亲发问道:爸爸,醉'字是什么意

24、思?唔,孩子,父亲答复说,你瞧那儿站着两个警察。如果我把他们看成了四个,那么我就算醉了。可是,爸爸,孩子说,那儿只有一个警察呀!Sleepi ng PillsBob was having trouble getting to sleep at night. He went to see his doctor, who prescribed some extra-str ong sleep ing pills. Sun day ni ght Bob took the pills, slept well and was awake before he heard the alarm. He too

25、k his time gett ing to the office, strolled in and said to his boss: "I did n't have a bit of trouble gett ing up this morni ng.""That's fin e," roared the boss, "but where were you Mon day and Tuesday?"【译文】安眠药鲍勃晚上失眠。他去看医生,医生给他开了一些强力安眠药。星期天晚上鲍勃吃了药,睡得很好,在闹钟响之前就醒了

26、过来。他到了办公室,遛达进去,对老板说:我今天早上起床一点麻烦都没有。"好啊! 老板吼道,那你星期一和星期二到哪儿去了? 普通英语故事I Don ' t Like HerBob goes to a new school.One day he comes back, “ Bob, do you like your new teachhir?mother asks.“I don ' t like her, Mother. Because first she says that three and three is six, and then she says that t

27、wo and four is six, too."【译文】我不喜欢她鲍勃的去了所新学校。一天,他回到家,他妈妈问他:你喜欢你的新教师吗?不,我不喜欢她,妈妈。因为她先说 3加3等于6,然后她又说2加4等于6."Ten Can diesMother asks her son, “ Jim, if you have ten can dies, and you eat four, the n how many can dles do you have?'“Ten. Jim says.“ Then, Mother asks.“ Yes, Mum. Four can dles

28、 are in my stoach and six can dies are out of my stomach. Four and six is ten, isn ' t it right?【译文】十块糖妈妈问儿子:吉姆,如果你有10块糖,吃了 4块,那你还有几块糖?“ 1块。"吉姆说。“ 1块? 妈妈问。是的,妈妈。因为4块在我的肚子里面,6块在肚子外面,4加6等于10,不对吗?Count Tomorrow MorningIt ' s a right. John is looking at the skyTom is John ' s younger br

29、other. He asks John“ What are you doing?John says,“I ' m countingstars.Tom laughs and says, “It ' s really dark now. Why not count them tomorrow"morning?【译文】明天早上数这是一个晚上。约翰抬头看着天空。汤姆是约翰的弟弟。他问约翰:你在干什么?约翰说:我在数星星。"汤姆笑着说:现在天空太黑了。你为什么不等到明天早上再数呢?Are Flies Yummy?Tony and his father are eati

30、ng dinner.Sudde nly Tony asks his father,“ Dad, are flies yummy?Dad frowns and says, “ No,I think it ' yucky. Why do you ask me this question? It ' as silly questi on."But Tony says, There was one fly in your plate."【译文】苍蝇好吃吗?托尼正和他爸爸一起吃晚餐。突然,托尼问他的爸爸:爸爸,苍蝇好吃吗?"爸爸皱眉说:我想不好吃。你怎么会问

31、这个问题?这可是一个愚蠢的问题。可是托尼说:刚刚你盘子里有一只苍蝇。I Don ' t Want to Walk HomeTom is a very old man. After dinner, he likes walking in the street. And he goes to bed at seven o' clock.But toni ght, a car stopped at his house. A policema n helps him get out. He tells Tom'man couldn ' t find his way in

32、 the street. He asked me to take him in the"car.After the policema n leaves there, his wife asks,you go to“tTemtreet every ni ght. But toni ghtyou can ' t find the way, what ' s 'the matter?The old man smiles like a child and says,“I couldn ' t find my way? I didn "' t

33、want to wa【译文】我不想走回家汤姆是一位老人,他喜欢在晚饭后到大街上散步,在7点回来睡觉。但是,今天晚上一辆小汽车停在他家门前,汤姆在一位警察的帮助下走下汽车。警察告诉汤姆的妻子:这位老人在街上迷路了,他让我用汽车送他回来。警察走后:汤姆,你每天都到那条街上散步,但是今天你迷路了,你怎么了?这位老人像孩子般的笑道:我迷路了?我是不想走路回家。It Must Be CrowdedA teacher is telli ng his stude nts,“ The moon is very large. Several millio ns peopleca n live thereAnd

34、a boy laughs and ays, “It must get crowded when it' s a crescent moon.【译文】一定很拥挤一位告诉学生:月亮非常大,上面能住几百人。一个男孩笑着说:当月亮变成月牙的时候,住在上面的人该多拥挤啊!It ' s Good to Admit a FaultJoh n is not a"'goridde nt. He always sleeps in the class. Today he sleeps aga in.“John! Teacher says angrily.“ What? What&#

35、39; s wro'hgJohn is awaken.“ Why do you make a face? It ' s classroom. Look! Every one is laughngher says.“ No one is laugh in©. Teacher says.“ No, it ' s not me. I was not making a face. I was sleepinghn fells upset.“ UmNot bad. You can admit your fault. You are still a good boy. T

36、eacher is satisfied with it.【译文】认错约翰并不是个 好学生。他总是在上课的时候睡觉。今天他又睡着了。约翰!"教师生气地喊他。什么?出什么事了? 约翰醒了。你为什么要做鬼脸?这是教室!看看!同学们都在笑! 教师生气地说。没有人在笑呀。其他同学笑声地嘀咕。不,不是我。我没有做鬼脸。刚刚我睡着了。约翰感到不安。嗯,还不错。你成认自己的错误,还是给好孩子教师为此感到满意。I Made Granny GladA teacher is telling her students the importanee of making others glad. “Now,ch

37、ildren," shesays “ Did you make some one else glad?“ Please, teacher, says a small boy, " I made some one glad yesterday.“Well done. Who was that? The teacher says.“ My granny. The boy says.“ Good boy. Now tell us how you made your grandmother glad. The teacher says."I went to see her

38、 yesterday, and stayed with her for three hours. Then I said to her,going home.' And she said,“well. I" ' m glad!【译文】我让奶奶快乐了一位教师正在对学生将使人快乐的重要性。听着,孩子们,"他说:你们曾让别人快乐过吗?我,教师,一个男孩子说,昨天我就使别人快乐过。做得好。是谁呢?教师说。我奶奶。小男孩说。好孩子。现在告诉我们,你是怎样使你奶奶快乐的?教师问道。是这样的,教师。昨天我去看她,在她那儿呆了 3个小时。然后我对她说:奶奶,我要回家了。 她

39、说:啊,我很快乐。I can ' t Cook ItIt ' s sunny day Spring. Miss Cat is fishing. Suddenly the fishing rod moves.“Great! Oh, itheavy!" Miss Cat says happily.The fish is plucked out of the river.“ Oh, a big fish! How big tShestheers. But she putsthe fish into the river and goes on fishing.At the t

40、ime Mr. House goes by and sees it.“ What do you see iaskse? “ Because my pot istoo small. I can ' t CooMiitss Cat says.【译文】我没法煮它这是春天里一个明媚的日子,猫小姐在河边钓鱼。突然鱼竿动了动。太棒了!哇,好重啊!猫小姐快乐地喊着。鱼被拉出来了。 啊! 一条大鱼!这条大鱼可真大呀!"她欢呼道。但是她却把鱼放回河里,又 继续钓鱼。这时候马先生路过,看见这一切,就问她:为什么你把鱼放了?因为我的锅太小。我没方法烧这么大的鱼。猫小姐答复说。That Is Not

41、 My Dog!A woma n walks into a pet shop and sees a cute little dog. She asks the shopkeeper,“【bite?"The shopkeeper says, “ No, my dog does notThe woma n tries to pet the dog and the dog bites her.“ Ouch'! She says, “I thought you said your dog does no t" bite!The shopkeeper replies,“ Th

42、at is not my dog!【译文】那不是我的狗一个妇人走进一家宠物店,看见一只很可爱的小狗。她问店主:你的狗咬人吗?"店主说:不,我的狗不咬人。"于是这个妇人试着抚摸小狗,可是小狗却咬了她。哎哟!"妇人说,我想你刚刚还说你的狗不咬人。"店主人答复说:那不是我的狗。WrongMark' Savorite cup is broken, and he feels unhappy. Susan sees and asks him, “You look sad.What' s the matter?Mark says,“ There is

43、something wrong with my cup.Susa n says,“ Don' t woaayi- Repair it."Mark feels surprised and asks,“ Repair? You can repair it? You?“Yes. Believe me! Where is it? Susan answers.“ Here. My cup is broken. Are you sure you can repair it? Mark takes out his cuo.【译文】误会马克最喜欢的杯子了,他很不开心。珊看见了就问他:你看上去

44、不太开心。怎么了?珊说:别担忧。我会补好它的。马克听了感到奇怪,就问她:补?你会补?真的吗?"没错。相信我。在哪里呢?"珊说。这儿。我的cup破了。你确信补好它吗?"马克拿出了杯子。“ cup你以为是cap."珊说道。说完他俩都笑了。My “ Clever DogBobby is my dog. I love him. He can roll on the floor. He can play balls with me. He can look after my house when I am out. Bobby is very clever. Bu

45、t sometimes he isn' t.One day Bobby runs away. He is out for three days. After he comes back, I tie him to a tree and give him some food. Bobby beg ins to eat. But the n he stops. He sees a fox. The fox is look ing at his food. Bobby barks and barks. He wants to catch the fox. But he can' t.

46、 The fox runs round the tree. Boruns after the fox. So the rope goes ground the tree. Of course Bobby can' t run. The doc cfood. Quickly she eats up the food and runs away.【译文】我聪明的狗巴比是我的狗。我很爱他。他会在地板上打滚。他会和我玩球。他能在外出的时候帮我看家。巴比很聪明,可是有些时候他也不聪明。一天,巴比跑了出去,3天没回家。他回来后,我把他拴在一棵树上,给他一些食物。巴比吃 着食物,但是又停了下来。他看

47、见一只狐狸。这只狐狸正盯着他的食物。巴比朝狐狸一个劲地叫。 他想抓住狐狸。但是他办不到。狐狸喀什绕着树跑,巴比就追着它跑。于是绳子就绕在了数上。 当然巴比就跑不开了。那只狐狸跑去吃他的食物。很快就吃光了所有食物,而后跑走了。Snow WhiteSnow White is born on a cold win ter day. She is as white as snow. Her eyes are very big, her hair very long and her voice is sweet. She is very ki nd and beautiful. Every one lo

48、ves her. Her mummy, theQuee n loves her, too. But she died.A new Queen comes. She is beautiful, but bad. She doesn' t like Snow White, because Snow Whthe most beautiful girl in the world.“I will kill Snow White. " So she orders a hunter to kill Snow White. The hunter is an honest man.“ You

49、are a good girl; I don ant to kilt you." So he lets Snow White go.Snow White goes into a forest. She finds a house, and goes into the house. Seven dwarfs live there.They like Snow White, and ask Snow White to live with them.No sooner, the new Quee n dies. Because she isrthe most beautiful woma

50、n in the world.【译文】白雪公主白雪公主出生在一个寒冷的冬天,因此她像雪一样洁白无瑕。她又两只大眼晴,有漂亮的长头发和甜蜜的声音。她又善良又美丽。每个人都很喜欢她。她妈妈一一皇后也爱她,但她死了。一位新皇后来了,她很漂亮但很恶毒。她不喜欢白雪公主,因为白雪公主是世界上最美丽的女 孩。我一定要杀死白雪公主。因此,她命令一位猎人去杀白雪公主。这位猎人是一个老实的人。你是一个好姑娘,我不想杀你。所有他放走了白雪公主。白雪公主走进一片森林,她发现了一个房子,并且走进了房子。七个小矮人住在房子里。他们 很喜欢白雪公主并留她一起住下来了。不久,女皇死了,因为她不是世界上最美丽的人。The C

51、lever King Solo monLon g, l ong ago, there was a king. Solo mon was his n ame. He was very clever.In his country, there were two women. They lived in the same house and each had a child.One night, one of the babies died. The dead baby' s mother took the other woman' s babher own bed.The n ex

52、t morning , they had a quarrel.“ No, this is my baby! The dead is yours!Each one wan ted the liv ing baby. So they went to see King Solo mon.“ Bring me a knife, cut the child into two and five each woman one half. said the King.“ Oh. Your Majesty! Give her my baby. Please don' fkill my baby!The

53、n Ki ng Solo mon poin ted to the woma n in teas and said,by toGee Sheba the mothef【译文】聪明的国王所罗门很久很久之前,有一位国王,他的名字叫所罗门,他非常聪明。在他的国家里,有两位妇女,她们住在同一间房子里。各有一个婴儿。一天夜里,其中一个婴儿死了。他的妈妈抱另一位妇女的小孩,把他放在自己的床上。第二天早上,他们发生了争吵。不,这是我的孩子!这个死的是你的!他们都想要这个活着的孩子,于是她们去见所罗门国王。给我拿把刀来,把这个孩子切成两半,没人一半。国王判决道。哦,陛下,把我的孩子给她吧。请不要杀了我的孩子!

54、一位母亲哭喊道。于是所罗门指着流泪的妇女说:把孩子给她,她是真正的母亲。Catch ing a ThiefWitty Hare can run very fast. One day whe n he gets home. He sees a rat. The rat is jumpi ng dow n his win dow. “ Oh. A thief!Witty Hare shouted and catches the rat,“ Yosteanh'rt mie"fSoon Witty Hare catches up with the rat, and the rat i

55、s left behi nd,“I must run away,laughs, “ He is so silly.Witty Hare goes on running. A sheep sees him and asks him,“ Whata “you moca(t|?ii ngthe thief." Witty Hare says. “Thief? Where' the thief?" the sheep fells surprised. “ He'behind me ,f Witty Hare says proudly.【译文】追贼机灵的肚子跑得很快。

56、一天,她回到家的时候看见一只老鼠。这只教师正从它家的窗户跳下去。啊!贼! 机灵肚子喊着追过去。你跑不过我的!不一会它追上了老鼠,还把老鼠丢在后面。我得赶紧逃。老鼠窃笑着说:这家伙真笨。机灵兔子继续跑着。一只绵羊看到了就问塔:你在干什么?我在追贼。机灵兔子说。贼?贼在哪里啊? 绵羊感到奇怪。它在我后面呢。机灵兔子自豪地说着。A Clever PandaA little panda picks up a pumpkin and wants to take it home. But the pumpkin is too big. The panda can' t take it home.S

57、udde nly she sees a bear ridi ng a bike toward her. She watches the bike. “I know! I have a good idea.f she jumps and shouts happily,“I can roll a pumpkin.lt"' s like a wheel.So she rolls the pumpk in to her home. Whe n her mother sees the big pumpk in, she is surprised, my God! How can you

58、 carry it home? " the little panda answers proudly,“I can ' t lift it, but I canit.'' Her mother smiled and says “ What a clever girl! Use you heard to do something,【译文】聪明的熊猫一只小熊猫摘了一只大南瓜,想把它拿回家。但是这只南瓜太大了,她没有方法把这么大的南 瓜带回家。突然她看见一只狗熊骑着一辆自行车朝她这边来。她看着自行车,跳着说:有了!我有方法了。我可以把南瓜滚回家去。南瓜好似车轮。于是

59、她把那瓜滚回家。当她妈妈看到这只大南瓜的时候,很惊讶:天啊!这么食的南瓜!你是怎么把它带回家来的? 小熊猫自豪地说;我拎不动它,可是我能滚动它啊!她妈妈微笑着说:真聪明啊!记住:只要你肯动脑筋,没有难办的事。The Ox and the DogAn ox and a dog serve for the same farmer.One day the dog arroga ntly says:“ How grand I erdayrtirthe, I watch out for the cattle in themeadows; at night, I guard the house. But you "“ Me? How about me ? the ox says“ You can only plough or draw a cart, the dog slightly says.“Yes. It ' s trube ox says. “ But if I don ' t plough, whafTd?" you gu【译文】牛和狗一头牛和一只狗同时为一个农夫工作。一天,狗骄傲地

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