看笑话学英语笑话大全笑翻译

1、1.One day a visitor from the city came to a small rural area to drive around the country roads, see how the farms looked, and perhaps to see how farmers earned their living. The city man saw a farmer in his yard, holding a pig up in his hands, and lifting it so that the pig could eat apples from an

2、apple tree. The city man said to the farmer," I see that your pig likes apples, but isn"t that quite a waste of time?" The farmer replied," What"s time to a pig?"一天，有一个城市里的游客来到一个小乡村，在乡间路上开着车，想看看农庄是什么样子，也想看看农夫怎样种田过日子。这位城里人看见一位农夫在宅后的草地 上，手中抱着一头猪，并把它举得高高的，好让它能够吃到树上的苹果。城里人对

3、农夫说，"我看你的猪挺喜欢吃苹果的，但是，这不是很浪费时间吗?"那位农夫 回答说，"时间对猪有什么意义?" 2.The Looney BinLate one night at the insane asylum (疯人院）one inmate shouted, "I am Napoleon!”Another one said, "How do you know?"The first inmate said, "God told me!"Just then, a voice from another roo

4、m shouted, "I did not!"疯人院一天晚上，在疯人院里，一个病人说：“我是拿破仑！”另一个说：“你怎么知道？”第一个人说：“上帝对我说的！”一会儿，一个声音从另一个房间传来：“我没说！”Notes:（1）Looney (俚语）疯子（2）inmate （n.同住者, 同室者(特指在医院、监狱)）（3）insane asylum (疯人院） 3.Boxing and RunningDan is teaching his son how to box. As he does so, he left his friend, "This is a toug

5、h world, so Im teaching my boy to fight."Friend: "But suppose he comes up against someone much bigger than he is, whos also been taught how to box."Dan: "Im teaching him how to run, too."拳击和赛跑丹在教他的儿子怎样拳击。他告诉他的朋友：“这是一个粗暴的世界，所以我要教我的儿子怎么去拼搏。”朋友：“如果他碰上的对手是一个比他高大，健壮而且也会拳击的人怎么办？”丹

6、：“我也会教他怎么样赛跑呢。”NOTEcome up against 遇到一个对手 against表示相对的相反的 4.The warden of the prison felt sorry for one of his inmates because every weekend on Visitors Day, most of the prisoners had family members and friends coming, but poor George always sat alone in his cell.So one Visitors Day, the warden call

7、ed George to his office and said, "I notice youve never had any visitors, George." Sympathetic, he put his hand on Georges shoulder. "Tell me, dont you have any friends or family?"George replied, "Oh, sure I do, Warden. Its just that theyre all in here!"典狱长对狱中一位囚犯深感同情，因

8、为每逢周末的探访日，大多数囚犯都有家人或朋友来访，但是可怜的乔治总是孤伶伶地坐在自己的囚室中。因此在一个探访日，典狱长把乔治叫到办公室说：“乔治，我注意到从来没有人来探望过你。”他满怀同情地把手放在乔治的肩膀上：“告诉我，你没有任何朋友或家人吗？”乔治回答：“喔！当然有，典狱长，只不过他们全都在这里面！”5.Policeman: Why didn't you shout for help when you were robbed of your watch?Man: If I had opened my mouth, they'd have found my four gold

9、 teeth. That would be much worse.警察：有人抢你的手表时，你为什么不呼救呢？男子：要是我张口的话，他们就会发现我的四颗金牙。那就更糟了。 6.A shoplifter（商店扒手） |was caught red-handed trying to steal a watch from a jewelry store. "Listen," said the shoplifter, "I know you don't want any trouble either. What do you say I just buy the w

10、atch, and we forget about this?"The manager agreed and wrote up the sales slip. The crook（骗子，坏蛋） looked at the slip and said, "This is a little more than I intended to spend."一个小偷在一家珠宝店企图偷走一只手表的时候被当场擒获。“听着，”小偷说，“我知道你们也不想惹麻烦。我把这只表买下，然后我们就当什么也没发生，你看怎样？”经理表示同意，然后列了一张售货单。小偷看着单子说道：“这比我最初的预

11、算稍稍高了一点，你们还有没有便宜一点儿东西。" 7.The suspicious-looking man drove up to the border, where he was greeted by asentry（哨兵） . When the guard looked in the trunk, he was surprised to find six sacks bulging at the seams（缝合线） . 来自我要看笑话"What's in here?" he asked."Dirt," the driver repl

12、ied."Take them out," the guard instructed. "I want to check them."Obliging, the man removed the bags, and sure enough, each one of them contained nothing but dirt. Reluctantly, the guard let him go.A week later the man came back, and once again, the sentry looked in the truck.&qu

13、ot;What's in the bags this time?" he asked."Dirt, more dirt." said the man.Not believing him, the guard checked the sacks and, once again, he found nothing but soil.The same thing happened every week for six months, and it finally became so frustrating to the guard that he quit an

14、d became a bartender（酒保） .Then one night, the suspicious-looking fellow happened to stop by for a drink. Hurrying over to him, the former guard said, "Listen, pal, drinks are on the house（免费）tonight if you'll do me a favor: Just tell me what the hell you were smuggling all that time."G

15、rinning broadly, the man leaned close to the bartender's ear and whispered, "Cars."一个形迹可疑的人开车来到边境，哨兵迎了上去。哨兵在检查汽车行李箱时，惊奇地发现了六个接缝处鼓得紧绷绷的大口袋。“里面装的是什么？”他问道。“土。”司机回答。“把袋子拿出来”，哨兵命令道：“我要检查。”那人顺从地把口袋搬了出来。确实，口袋里除了土以外，别无他特。哨兵很不情愿地让他通过了。一周后，那人又来了，哨兵再次检查汽车上的行李箱。“这次袋子里装的是什么？”他问道。“土，又运了一些土。”那人回答。哨兵不

16、相信，对那些袋子又进行了检查，结果发现，除了土以外，仍旧一无所获。同样的事情每周重演一次，一共持续了六个月。最后，哨兵被弄得灰心丧气，干脆辞职去当了酒吧侍者。有天夜里，那个形迹可疑的人碰巧途经酒吧，下车喝酒。那位从前的哨兵急忙迎上前去对他说，“我说，老兄，你要是能帮我一个忙，今晚的酒就归我请客。你能不能告诉我，那段时间你到底在走私什么东西？”那人俯身过来，凑近侍者的耳朵，裂开嘴笑嘻嘻地说：“汽车。” 8.The little girl did not like the look of the barking dog."It's all right," said a

17、gentleman, "don't be afraid. Don't you know the proverb: Barking dogs don't bite?""Ah, yes," answered the little girl. "I know the proverb, but does the dog know the proverb, too?"一个小女孩非常不喜欢狗狂叫的样子。“没有关系，”一位先生说，“不用害怕，你知道这条谚语吗：吠狗不咬人。”“啊，我是知道，可是狗也知道吗？” 9.Class

18、and AssProfessor Laurie of Glasgow put this notice on his door：“Professor Laurie will not meet his classes today” A student，after reading the notice，rubbed out the“c” Later Professor Laurie came along，and entering into the spirit of the joke，rubbed out the“l”格拉斯哥的劳里教授在门上贴了这样一个通知：“劳里教授今天不会他的班。” 一个学生读

19、了通知后，擦掉了字母“c”。 后来劳里教授来了，也想开开玩笑，他擦掉了字母“l”。来自我要看笑话 10.The six-year-old John was terribly spoiled（被宠坏的） . His father knew it, but his grandma doted on him. He hardly left her side. And when he wanted anything, he either cried or threw a temper tantrum（乱发脾气） . Then came his first day of school, his firs

20、t day away from his grandmother's loving arms.When he came home from school his grandma met him at the door.Was school all right? she asked, Did you get along all right? did you cry? Cry? John asked. No, I didn't cry, but the teacher did!六岁的约翰娇生惯养。他的父亲知道这一点，可他的祖父母仍然宠着他。这孩子几乎寸步不离他的祖母。他想要什么不是哭

21、，就是闹。他第一天上学才离开祖母的怀抱。约翰放学了，他奶奶在门口接他并问道：学校怎么样？你过的好吗？哭了没有？哭？约翰问，不，我没哭，可老师哭了。 11.A teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"Little Johnny then stood up.The teacher said, "Do you think you&#

22、39;re stupid, Johnny?""No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"一个老师在对学生们讲心理学，“谁认为自己蠢就站起来？”她一开始就说。小约翰尼站了起来。“你认为你很蠢吗，小约翰尼？”老师问。“不是的，老师，我只是不喜欢看你一个人站着。” 12.Stupid QuestionDan was the doorman of a club in a big city. Everyday, thousands of people passed his doo

23、r, and a lot of them stopped and asked him, "What's the time, please?"After a few months, Dan said to himself, "I'm not going to answer all those stupid people any more. I'm going to buy a big clock and put it upon the wall here." Then he did so.“Now people aren't

24、 going to stop and ask me the time," he thought happily.But after that, a lot of people stopped, looked at the clock and then asked Dan, "Is that clock right?”愚蠢的问题丹在一个大城市的某个俱乐部当守门人。每天都有数千人经过他的门口，而且许多人都会停下来问他:“请问现在几点？”几个月后，丹想:“我不想再回答这些蠢人提出的问题了，我要去买一只大钟，把它挂在这儿的墙上。”于是他买了一只钟，把它挂在了墙上。“现在人们总不会再

25、停下来问我时间了。”他高兴地想。可是打那以后，每天仍有许多人停下来，看看钟，然后问丹:“这钟准吗？” 13.Things Have Been OkayA young couple were becoming anxious about their four-year-old son, who had not yet talked. They took him to specialists, but the doctors found nothing wrong with him. Then one morning at breakfast the boy suddenly blurted, M

26、om, the toast is burned.You talked! You talked! Shouted his mother. I'm so happy! But why has it taked this long?Well, up till now, Said the boy, things have been okay.一切都正常一对年轻夫妇有个儿子，已经四岁了，还没有开口说话，他们对此深感焦虑。他们带他去找专家诊治，但医生们总觉得他没有毛病。后来有一天早上吃早餐时，那孩子突然开口了：妈妈，面包烤焦了。你说话了!你说话了!他母亲叫了起来。我太高兴了!但为什么花了这么长的时

27、间呢？哦，在这之前，那男孩说，一切都很正常。14.What Color什么颜色An impoverished graduate student at Clemson University in South Carolina, I was excited when my father informed me that he had bought me a car. Hardly able to contain my enthusiasm, I asked Dad the typical questions: "What kind is it? Does it have a stick

28、shift? Does it have a tape deck?""It's a 1982 Toyota," he replied. "It's a four speed, and, yes, it has a tape deck . " Pleased, I asked what color it was. "Well, " he said uncomfortably, " which part?"作为南卡罗莱那州克莱姆森大学的一个本科生，我囊中羞涩，当我父亲告诉我他为我买了辆车时，我甚

29、是激动。我几乎控制不住我的热情，问了爸爸几个关键问题：“什么车？有没有手排挡？有没有磁带舱？”“是1982年产丰田车，”他回答说，“四速，还有，是的，有磁带舱。”我甚是高兴，又问是什么颜色的。“哦，”他很不舒服地说，“你指哪一部分？” 15.The Name of a PoetOur teacher was telling us about a new system of memory training being used in some schools today “It works like this，” she said“Suppose you wanted tore member t

30、he name of a poetRobert Burns，for instance”She told us to think of him as Bobby Burns“Now get in your head a picture of a London policeman，a bobby in flamesSee？Bobby Burns！” “I see what you mean，” said the class know it all“But how can you tell that it's Not Robert Browning？”我们的老师正在给我们介绍现在某些学校使用

31、的一种新的记忆训练系统。“这个系统是这样的，”她说。“假定你要记住一个诗人的名字例如，要记住罗伯特·彭斯的名字。”她告诉我们把他当作博比·彭斯。“让你的脑海里闪现出一个伦敦警察的形象，燃烧着的警察。明白吗？警察燃烧！” “我明白你的意思，”班上的万事通说。“但是你怎么能说那就不是罗伯特·布朗宁呢？”16.No matter which girl he brought home， the young man found disapproval from his mother A friend gave him advice “Find a girl just lik

32、e your motherthen she's bound to like her So the young man searched and searched， and finally found the girlHe told his friendly adviser： “Just like you said， I found a girl who looked，talked，dressed， and even cooked like motherAnd just as you said，mother liked her” “So，”asked the friend，“what h

33、appened？” “Nothing，”said the young man“My father hates her！”无论带哪一个女孩回家，这位青年人总会遭到母亲的反对。一位朋友劝他说： “找一个和你母亲一样的女孩那她一定会喜欢她。” 于是这位青年人不停地找啊找，终于找到了这么个女孩。 正像你说的那样，我找到一个长相、谈吐、穿着打扮，甚至连烹饪都和我母亲一样的女孩。也正像你说的那样，我母亲喜欢她。” “那后来呢？”朋友问。 “没什么，”青年人说。“我父亲讨厌她！”17.Our physics professor was struggling to draw the class into di

34、scussion of Archimede's principle of water displacement. He told us that Archimede noticed that when he got into a pool at the public bathhouse, the water rose spilling over the edge. Excited at his discovery, he ran down the street yelling, "Eureka, eureka!" The instructor asked if an

35、yone knew what that meant.One student stood up and answered, "I'm naked ! I'm naked!"我们的物理教授千方百计引导我们讨论阿基米德的排水原理。他告诉我们阿基米德去公共浴池洗澡，他进入池子，发现水涨高了，溢出池沿。他对这一发现十分激动，跑到街上高叫：“Eureka，Eureka！”教授问我们谁知道他喊的是什么意思。一个学生站起来答道：“我光屁股啦，我光屁股啦！”18.A man who had been married for ten years was consulting a

36、 marriage counselor “When I was first married，I was very happy I'd come home from a hard day down at the shop，and my little dog would race around barking，and my wife would bring me my slippersNow everything's changedWhen I come home，my dog brings me my slippers，and my wife barks at me” “I do

37、n't know what you're complaining about，”said the counselor“You're still getting the same service”一个结婚十年的男人正在请教一位婚姻顾问。“刚结婚那会儿，我非常幸福。我在店里劳累一天回到家，我的小狗会绕着我跑，汪汪叫，而我的妻子给我拿来拖鞋。现在一切都变了。我回到家里，我的狗给我拿来拖鞋，我的妻子对着我汪汪叫。” “我不知道你在抱怨什么，”婚姻顾问说。“你得到的服务还是一样的呀。”19.A highway patrol officer stopped a speeding m

38、otorist. "Don't you know what the blinking lights and siren mean?" he demanded."Yes, sir," replied the driver. "Then why didn't you pull over immediately?" "I would have, officer, " the man said. "But last month my wife ran off with a policeman, a

39、nd I was afraid you were bringing her back.一位公路巡警截住了一个超速司机。“难道你不知道闪烁灯和警笛的意思吗？”他责问道。 “知道，长官，”司机回答说。“那你为什么不立即靠边停车？” “我本来想这样做的，长官。”那男子回答说，“但上个月我妻子和一位警察私奔了，我是害怕你把她带回来。” 20.Workman：“MrBrown，I should like to ask for a smallrise in my wages I have just been married” Employer：“Very sorry，my dear man， but I

40、can't helpyou For accidents which happen to our workmen outside thefactory we are not responsible”工人：“布朗先生，我想请您给我加一点工资。我刚刚结了婚。” 雇主：“非常抱歉，老兄，但是我无能为力。对工人在厂外发生的事故我们概不负责。”21.Seth Smith was reckoned the laziest man in town Sotired had the authorities become of contributing to his supportthat they dec

41、ided to consign him to a living tomb Accordinglyhe was prepared for burial The hearse was an old ramshacklecountry wagon As the strange cortege moved along some old residentasked，“Who is it？” “Why，Seth Smith， who is too lazy to get anything to liveon， so we are going to bury him alive” “I'll giv

42、e him a bushel of corn，” said one“And I will，”said another Slowly raising his head， Seth asked：“Is the corn shelled，neighbor？” “No，you must do that yourself” Gently replacing his head， he said：“ Drive on， boys，drive on”塞思·史密斯被公认为镇上头号懒人。长官们实在懒得再供养他，便决定把他送进一个天然坟墓里去。于是他被准备着去埋葬，灵车是一辆摇摇晃晃的乡下旧马车。正当这列

43、奇怪的送葬队伍在行进时，一些老街坊问道：“这是谁啊？”“唉，塞思·史密斯，他懒得没法活了，我们这就去把他活埋。”“我来给他一蒲式耳谷子吧，”一个人说。“我也给，”另一个说。 塞思慢慢抬起头来问道：“谷子脱粒了吗，街坊？” “没有，你得自己来。”他缓缓把头放回原处说：“接着走吧，孩子们，接着走吧。”22.Three turtles decided to have a cup of coffee. Just as they got into the cafe, it started to rain.The biggest turtle said to the smallest one,

44、" Go home and get the umbrella."The little turtle replied, "I will, if you don't drink my offee.""We won't," the other two promised.Two years later the big turtle said to the middle turtle, "Well, I guess he isn't coming back, so we might as well drink

45、his coffee."Just then a voice called from outside the door, "If you do, I won't go."三只乌龟决定去喝咖啡。它们刚到咖啡店的门口，就下起雨来。于是最大的那只乌龟对最小的乌龟说，“回家去取伞吧。”最小的乌龟说，“如果你们不把我的咖啡喝了，我就去。”“我们不喝，”另外两只乌龟答应说。两年后，大乌龟对中乌龟说，“好吧，我猜他肯定不回来了，我们可以把它的咖啡喝掉了。”正在这时，一个声音从门外传来，“你们要是喝了，我就不去。”23.4-year-old Begin and his co

46、usin scrambled (攀爬，争抢) for toys. His mum told him: “ You are older brother because youre older than your (cousin) sister. You should give ground to her. ” Begin thought a little but maintained(坚持) : “ My sister must give ground to me when she grows older than I.” His uncle around overheard and said

47、: “Such a thing hardly occurs.”四岁的贝京和小妹妹争玩具。妈妈对他说：“你大，你是哥哥，要让着小妹妹点儿。” 贝京想了想，坚持说：“等妹妹长得比我大了，她也得让着我。”姨夫在一旁听了说：“这种情况相当罕见。24."Doctor," she said loudly, bouncing into the room, "I want you to say frankly what's wrong with me."He surveyed her from head to foot. "Madam," h

48、e said at length, "I've just three things to tell you. First, your weight wants reducing by nearly fifty pounds. Second, your beauty could be improved if you used about one tenth as much rouge and lipstick. And third, I'm an artist-the doctor lives downstairs."“我想让你坦率地说我到底得了什么病。”他从

49、头到脚打量打量她，然后大声说：“太太，我有三件事要对你说。第一，您的体重需要减少大约50磅；第二，如果您要用上十分之一的胭脂和口红，您的美貌将会改变。第三，我是一位画家医生住在楼下。” 25.The Astronaut Pen During the heat of the space race in the 1960s, the U.S. National Aeronautics and Space Administration decided it needed a ball point pen to write in the zero gravity confines of its spa

50、ce capsules. After considerable research and development, the Astronaut Pen was developed at a cost of approximately $1 million U.S. The pen worked and also enjoyed some modest success as a novelty item back here on earth. The Soviet Union, faced with the same problem, used a pencil.在二十世纪六十年代，美国和苏联正

51、处于太空竞赛的白热化阶段，美国航空航天局决定研制一种圆珠笔，以便在太空舱重力为零的环境下仍然可以书写。经过大量的研发工作，花费了大约一百万美元的成本，太空笔终于研制出来了。那支笔果然可以在太空书写，在回到地球后，作为一样新奇的小玩意儿也确实吸引了一些目光。而面临着同样难题的苏联，则选择了一支铅笔。26.George comes from school on the first of September."George, how did you like your new teacher?" asked his mother."I didn't like h

52、er, Mother, because she said that three and three were six and then she said that two and four were six too."9月1日， 乔治放学回到家里。“乔治，你喜欢你们的新老师吗？” 妈妈问。“妈妈，我不喜欢，因为她说3加3得6, 可后来又说2加4也得6。”27.The zoo built a special eight-foot-high enclosure for its newly acquired kangaroo, but the next morning the animal

53、 was found hopping around outside. The height of the fence was increased to 15 feet, but the kangaroo got out again. Exasperated, the zoo director had the height increased to 30 feet, but the kangaroo still escaped. A giraffe asked the kangaroo, "How high do you think they'll build the fenc

54、e?""I don't know, " said the kangaroo. "Maybe a thousand feet if they keep leaving the gate unlocked.动物园为刚引进的袋鼠建了一个特殊的八英尺高的围墙。但是第二天早上，人们发现这动物在围墙外面蹦跳着。于是围墙高度增加到十五英尺，但袋鼠还是跑了出来。动物园经理甚感恼火，又叫人把围墙高度加到三十英尺，但袋鼠还是逃了出来。一个长颈鹿问袋鼠：“你认为他们会把围墙建到多高？” “我不知道，”袋鼠说，“如果他们继续开着大门，可能要修到一千英尺吧。”28.Sir William Thompson was very deaf but he did not like people to know this One evening he had invited several friendsto dinner， and while they were sitting at the table